I moved into my Mom's home after she had a near fatal car accident. I took care of my Mom's EVERYTHING for seven years as she got progressively worse with dementia. It was full time for me between caring for person, the house and other matters. I did this completely alone in a semi-rural location. Not near family or in a long standing community. My mom had moved states just before the accident. I didn't intend for it to go on so long but it just happened somehow... My brother and sister had problems in their lives that they could not help (a child with cancer, an alcoholic husband)
Due to my sister's insistence, my mom moved to an Assisted Living Memory Care about five months ago located near my sister in yet another state. Her point was that I'm not going to be able to care for her alone at home as the dementia was getting worse with incontinence, wandering, UTI's and hallucinations. And the socialization would be good her. We were in a rural location so getting to medical care and people to help is difficult where we were. My sister has her in-law family around, a good job, husband (in recovery) and children. I caved and agreed to it.
I was so busy getting through the days before. Now that I have some time with just caring for the house now. I feel scared that I don't have energy to restart my life! It's like I got off a treadmill and feel so exhausted. I think it's burnout rather than depression. I feel like the only do basic things to get through the day. I feel sad about the progression of the disease that I could not fix. I feel so guilty for moving my Mom to Memory Care.
People ask me "So now what are YOU going to do now?!" As if I'm some racehorse that was just waiting to bust out the gate but I feel like an old tired mare.
I can't go back in time to my old life before I moved to help and care for my Mom and the house. I'm not the same person. My old friends don't really understand and have sort of dropped off or I can't relate to their more petty concerns. I don't have the energy and have lost skills to return to the old work I did. I have such heavy emotions too. We still have my Mom to care for even though she is at the facility. I think I will have to move to near my Mom and sister which will AGAIN be a new place I have never lived. I don't feel bright and like anyone would date or hire me. Setting up and living alone in a little apartment sounds so hard to do. I am 52 single woman. And we still have the house to deal with.
Does anyone have advice on how to restart and rebuild their lives in midlife after full-time caregiving at home for years?
What a beautiful thing you have done. Something that is truly a triumph of love.
Your sister also is to be commended for her cool head and caring insight. She looked at the big picture for not just your Mother but also for you.
Families aren’t always like that.
But now, we’ll, things are different and it’s time to move on.
Recognize that your time with Mother was an escape from the world, and being a caregiver can be so gratifying. It’s a kind of “high”.
You are the one riding in on a white horse to save the day.
Now, it’s just another Tuesday.
Thats a big change.
But you can always be proud of your unselfish gift of care to your Mom.
Get a new hair do.
Paint the walls, throw out old junk and start fresh.
Its time.
I spend my days making sure mom is ok. Navigating the HELL that is her insurance, trying to untangle the condo.
PEOPLE DO NOT GET HOW THIS SAPS YOUR SOUL.
Its not complaining ~ it’s reality!
They freely tell me that I need to take care of myself. What am I going to do with my time?
I feel like I walk around with a pasted smile and say things like “ my choice is to take care of my mom. Or, yeah looking forward to the next chapter”
WHAT? How can I start my business against when I’ve got overwhelming responsibility?
to those that are inclined to ask me about siblings…. Please remember that not every family is blessed to have cooperative family. Sometimes siblings are NOT the best people to have around when dealing with financial situations. Or personalities between some sibs and parents are clashing.
I truly feel for you and myself!!
I wish I had the magic answer. My therapist mention to me a woman On TED TALKS. Called Kristin Neff. She talk about self compassion. It helped a little but I’m too wrapped up in the present to apply her principles.
BLESS US ALL!!
Dealing with the house is a big job in itself. Is it urgent? or can you take some time to adjust? ((((((hugs))))) You will get through this.
But I want to say that, once she was in care, even at the four month mark, I was still jumping every time the door she used opened. I was still waking in the night, certain I heard her calling my name. I still had moments of panic, like, if I wanted to accompany my kids to something, what would I do about my mother. I was still hyper-vigilant, glancing out my windows in case she went outside and started to wander away, or putting away dishwasher pods, etc, in case she started eating something that wasn’t edible. I don’t know if dementia made your mother nasty (as it did mine) but I was about a year, before I could relax, sleep through the night, and feel like myself again.
Caregiving takes a huge toll, physically and emotionally. If you have the means to coast longer, please take good care of yourself, until you feel you have the strength to move on.
Self care is important, good nutrition and even 10-30 minutes gentle exercise, like walking.
And time, realize you don’t have to do anything right now, just enjoy freedom, when you ready or willing do plan A and B. A, what would you ideally do in your life? Plan B maybe more realistic? What did you enjoy before caregiving? Can you find any job even few hours, surely skills you had are not lost?
Change is not such a bad thing,
Im a 54 yr old single guy caring (doingveverything) full-time for my 84 yr old mom with late-stage Parkinson's and dementia. I get some (16 hrs per month) respite care through the county; another care giver comes m/w/f for 3 hrs day and I get 2 days off a month from family.
The time she will need to go into a facility is close and I feel exactly the same as you do. I guess the only help my story could bring you is to let you know that you are not alone.
Is there anything that you dreamed of doing before?
A class that you wanted to take?
A new career that you wanted to try?
A hobby that you wanted to restart, or begin?
Is there an organization that you feel strongly about that needs or wants Volunteers?
Does the Animal Shelter need dog walkers? A Foster home?
Find you first.
Start slowly and see how it goes.
Is there a trip that you have had in the back of your mind? Spain?...Italy? ..France?.. the Northwest of the USA?.. the Southwest? Alaska?.. Scotland? A Cruise? Start planning
I say all this but do not do anything "drastic or major" right away. This is like any of the Major life events that "they" say you should not make any changes. The top 5:
Death of a loved one.
Divorce
Moving
Major illness or injury
Job loss.
Any of these can lead to health problems, emotional problems. Talking to a Therapist is not out of the question.
I looked in the state of my residence, where I was born and raised. I was not able to even get an interview. I applied to adjoining states and did get an interview and was hired. I had to be willing to think outside the box. I moved from a major metro area to a small town of 25,000 or so.
I spent a year there, I was not happy, and then was able to move back to my home state and was in my next position for five years. Now I am onto the next, just this year. I am hoping this will be the job i retire from. Each move got me closer to what I had lost before the caregiving.
There are so many jobs out there. You need to find the courage to be willing to go to a market that is not as competitive.
I did it, so can you. And you are ten years younger than I was.I
Contact your Work Force Center, they can provide all sorts of resources to help you. It is NOT a hopeless situation.
give yourself time. Also you have a valuable knowledge of how to care which may be a gift to share by being a resource to verbally share your knowledge with other caretakers.
My husband died 3 months ago and I at an absolute loss how to get a life for myself back. I feel as though I have no life at age 82! This is the weight of doing all the work and thinking for two people all these years but I have some good days and my neighbors are friendly and generous with me and it makes me feel I can get a life going sooner or later.
Do whatever you feel more comfortable doing. Take care of yourself too!
I ja
There are great wellness resorts for you to consider too............are you ready to explore them? Google, "Wellness Resorts." Happy Trails!
OP you wrote:
“My old friends don't really understand and have sort of dropped off or I can't relate to their more petty concerns.”
i understand you.
that’s part of the reason many of us are in this forum: here we feel understood. we’re going through the same things.
it’s very true: if you haven’t cared for your elderly parent, you really don’t know what it’s like.
—
what advice would i give you?
you helped your Mom from 45-52.
7 years. as a woman, very important years.
years to get married, start a family, build your career.
——
first of all, you must be very stressed still from all the caring (7 years non-stop).
in addition, it continues! she’s in a facility, and you want to continue helping, maybe even move again for her!
——
secondly, please don’t sacrifice your life. you’ve helped ENORMOUSLY. you gave her extremely important years of your life (age 45-52).
please OP,
don’t sacrifice your life.
you’re very kind.
be very kind to you. you cannot, should not, i think, live ONLY for your parent/s.
we can help X amount of time. put a limit somewhere, beyond which you MUST focus on you.
before it was 99% your mother, 1% your needs. tip it the other way.
90% you, 10% your mother’s needs? 99%? whatever % you want. but now it must be balanced in your favor.
i’m telling myself the same thing. i love my parents, but helping them is really now destroying me. i must prioritize myself now. i have tried my absolute best. it’s now time to try my absolute best for myself.
you’re 52 OP. you have dreams/goals. go for it. your mother’s happiness should be = you thriving, blossoming, happy.
before it was:
her happiness/health made you happy.
now:
your maximum happiness/health should make her happy.
hug!!
bundle of joy :)
PS: don’t be in a rush to move.
saintseal you may never realize all the good you did, but you sacrificed a lot and it is more than enough. Try to begin trusting others to do the care. Try to meditate and connect with the real you again. Like a seed, it will slowly unfurl, and blossom. Start each day with a grateful thought, take tiny steps, be kind to your wonderful self- you got this!
After staying home pretty much in the the last 2 yrs, I found out I have to push myself to do anything. I agree, one day at a time, one step at a time. But you may have to push yourself to do it. This is the day I am going to...and do it.
You said your out in a rural area, maybe it would be better to move closer to Sis and Mom if there is nothing where you live. You said u and friends have nothing in common so new town new friends. But...you are going to have to work for that "new" life. Get a job, you will meet people. Even if its just eating lunch or going out for a drink with fellow workers its better than being home alone. I got to a point in my life that I did not go looking for friends as such. There are just people you just click with. Libraries seem to have so much more to offer than before because of Kindle. Ours, before COVID, had bus excursions. Great day trips and the people on these excursions were great. Volunteer. Church is a great way to meet people and volunteer. Maybe an exercise class. Not sure if its still done her at our High School, but night school.
I wish you luck. And update us on how things are going.
So the world is waiting for you to join it. Doesn't matter how you get out of the starting gate as long as you get out. You don't have to have a dog to go to the dog park. Admire people's dogs and you will meet all sorts of people who are potential friends and sidekicks. Indulge in a hobby or something you always wanted to explore ........... painting, writing, photography; learn a musical skill ... piano, flute, guitar; learn a new language.... Spanish is pretty easy to learn and practice and could take you places in the future.
The world is waiting for your presence. Get out there and make yourself known!
Good luck and keep us updated
Then think about where you WANT to be. Not where you think you will have to end up.
Is staying in your mom's house a possibility if you bought it? Could you live with your sister for a while so that you wouldn't be alone?
Would you consider working as a private-pay caregiver because you have so much experience in this line of work because of your mother. They pay can be very good if you work private.
What were your old skills and the job you did before caregiving? They may still be useful.