Any advice on restarting and rebuilding your life in midlife after full-time caregiving at home for years?

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Any advice on restarting and rebuilding your life in midlife after full-time caregiving at home for years?

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I moved into my Mom's home after she had a near fatal car accident. I took care of my Mom's EVERYTHING for seven years as she got progressively worse with dementia. It was full time for me between caring for person, the house and other matters. I did this completely alone in a semi-rural location. Not near family or in a long standing community. My mom had moved states just before the accident. I didn't intend for it to go on so long but it just happened somehow... My brother and sister had problems in their lives that they could not help (a child with cancer, an alcoholic husband)

Due to my sister's insistence, my mom moved to an Assisted Living Memory Care about five months ago located near my sister in yet another state. Her point was that I'm not going to be able to care for her alone at home as the dementia was getting worse with incontinence, wandering, UTI's and hallucinations. And the socialization would be good her. We were in a rural location so getting to medical care and people to help is difficult where we were. My sister has her in-law family around, a good job, husband (in recovery) and children. I caved and agreed to it.

I was so busy getting through the days before. Now that I have some time with just caring for the house now. I feel scared that I don't have energy to restart my life! It's like I got off a treadmill and feel so exhausted. I think it's burnout rather than depression. I feel like the only do basic things to get through the day. I feel sad about the progression of the disease that I could not fix. I feel so guilty for moving my Mom to Memory Care.

People ask me "So now what are YOU going to do now?!" As if I'm some racehorse that was just waiting to bust out the gate but I feel like an old tired mare.

I can't go back in time to my old life before I moved to help and care for my Mom and the house. I'm not the same person. My old friends don't really understand and have sort of dropped off or I can't relate to their more petty concerns. I don't have the energy and have lost skills to return to the old work I did. I have such heavy emotions too. We still have my Mom to care for even though she is at the facility. I think I will have to move to near my Mom and sister which will AGAIN be a new place I have never lived. I don't feel bright and like anyone would date or hire me. Setting up and living alone in a little apartment sounds so hard to do. I am 52 single woman. And we still have the house to deal with.

Does anyone have advice on how to restart and rebuild their lives in midlife after full-time caregiving at home for years?

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As a retired clinical psychologist, may I add that you don't need clinical depression to seek counseling. If you find a counselor who is a personality match for you, it can be very helpful. You can talk to someone who should have no agenda but to let you express your feelings, what you have learned about life and yourself. You needn't worry about being irritable, selfish, childish, sad, confused, disorganized, etc. etc. We all have those feelings but there often aren't too many people to express them to comfortably. Particularly, if you are somewhat isolated, it will be helpful to have someone like that. It sounds like you are lost without the heavy expenditure of energy and time you have experienced. That isn't too surprising when you think about it. This may sound silly but something like tai chi or yoga, suitable for your age, might be helpful, or even meditating. You might have a chance to just be and experience yourself free from all the demands you have experienced. The person who emerges may have clearer ideas of what she wants to do in the future. Would it be possible to stay near your Mom and sister for a longish visit to see how it seems to you? Good luck and give time and nature a chance.

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You have just been through a very physically and emotionally draining experience being the sole caregiver for your mother for so many years. And you are now "unemployed" and have lost your status as a caregiver. These are difficult emotions to deal with in the best of times. Be happy that she is now in an assisted living/memory care facility near your sister so that the day-to-day burden of her care is no longer on you. Your sister may have seen your burnout, and she saved you. Please don't think of it as "caving" or anything negative. And please don't feel guilty. There are advantages to memory care/skilled nursing facilities, such as skilled staff. And they provide meals, activities, housekeeping, laundry, etc., which leaves time for you to visit your mother without having these things to do. You can devote your attention to the visit and helping to oversee her care. It might be a good idea to move close to your sister and mother so that you can visit your mother often, and hopefully you have a good relationship with your sister. You'll be able to work as a team with your sister overseeing your mother's care. It is good to be near family. Do something enjoyable for a couple of weeks, take a vacation. Give yourself some time to decompress. Give yourself some space to redefine your life and goals. Seek counseling for your feeling of burnout, for help transitioning to another way of life, and even grief counseling for the reality that your mother's health is declining and that you are no longer able to care for her by yourself. These are the sadnesses of the human condition and things we have to learn to deal with. You are still young. In time you will regain your energy and motivation and will need to think about your own career and future. You may need to learn some new skills after such a long hiatus from work. Whichever state you end up in may have programs to help job seekers find good jobs and retraining. Think about jobs that will give you satisfaction and will be suitable for this stage in your life and responsibilities. All the best to you and your family.

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When I'm in your shoes I'm going to use the same process that worked for me after my (ex) husband up and left me after 24 years of marriage and being a SAHM.

First, take the pressure off of yourself to get your life re-established in a certain period of time. Rest. Then take the first small step - it may be doing some cleaning out and purging. It may be just looking at new places to live. It may be talking with a realtor about the house. Just one thing at a time and then step back again and process the options before making a decision.

What brings you joy? Gardening? Painting? Resurrecting old furniture? Do that.

You could add to your education in an area that interests you. There are credentials that you can earn that will help you in a job search. Paralegal? Personal Trainer? At home medical coding? Lots of stuff out there.

Ditch the fear of new things if you can. Don't listen to the naysayers.

((Hugs))

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Yo are not too old to build a wonderful new life. Start by just taking care of yourself. With Mom in a care facility you have retired from that job. Don't move there and start again. Start anew! Where do you want to live? What do you want to do? I took up scuba diving in my 60's!!

Your work skills may be rusty but there is a huge need for people with general literacy and competency for office work both at entry and managerial levels. Todays kids are so tech dependent that many of them don't know how to interact with people. Retail is always an option to start, as is any doctor's office or mid to large business managing communication (phone skills). This may not be what you did before, but it gets you started and gets you current work references.

There are loads of short training programs that can launch a career. If you liked caregiving, you can become a CNA with a short course. Private care pays well, although it is limited as far as increases in salary and/or benefits. You might also be appropriate to work for a private care company screening clients and employees, since you know first hand what is involved.

Best of luck, and don't rule out that there are people who will appreciate you.

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If finances are not an immediate problem, give yourself some time. You will adjust to your new reality. Please don’t just pick up stakes and move near your sister. It sounds like she has the care of your mother under control and you need the opportunity to let your changed circumstances sink in before you take the next step in your life’s journey. You are still young enough to get steady work and have an active social life.

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Good Morning,

If you are able, stick with the group--family, Church, YWCA. Basically, you need a handful of people who if you are not around people notice. You want to be noticed that you are missing if you don't go to whatever you decide to join.

Keep in mind, the family dynamics are not the same as when we grew up. I, too, am in m 50's. Today there so many divorced, single and blended families, find a "small" place in the best location you can find. Read the utilities "before" you move in. Realistically look at the place and say to yourself, "when I go to sleep at night, do I feel safe here".

There are also websites for people your age looking for "roommates" just like the college kids do.

Change can be good. The moves I feared and were apprehensive about turned out just fine. If they didn't I would move again.

Start cleaning out, keep good credit, join a Church, your local Y or buy a good pair of walking shoe. Put the radio on, open up the blinds and don't scare yourself. Don't watch any scary news or disasters on tv.

Right now is a very good job market. Every place is hiring. With the holidays' coming and I do say "Christmas" every retailer is hiring. I know you live rurally but maybe you could work online for a retailer from home since gas has gone up
just for a survival job to set your day. You need a "new normal".

Try a temp job from October through December. I have had a few instances in life where I had to start over. I have a lot of faith and Jeremiah 29 proclaims "I have come to give you Hope and a Future"!

Amen Sister...you will be in my morning prayers!

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First things first.

When was the last time YOU had a complete physical?

If more than a year, that's where I would start, if I were you. And I would tell the doctor *everything* you have described here. When was the last time you went to the dentist? Or the eye doctor? Had a mammogram? When we become caregivers, it is very, very easy to put our own health responsibilities and issues on the back burner. No time, no energy, sick to death of sitting in doctor's offices, you name it. It becomes almost a habit to ignore our own health needs and concerns.

If you go to the doctor and you get a clean bill of health, and you are still feeling so down and unenergetic, talk to your doctor about anti-depressants. You are very likely mourning the loss of the life you have known for a long time, and that is not uncommon. It might be helpful to talk to a therapist. Once you get into a better "head space" so to speak, the rest will come easier.

Good luck!

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Even though you aren’t a caregiver anymore, please find a caregiver support group. It will help! Also, find a therapist who can further assist you in getting back to life. You can’t do anything alone, just sitting in your home. You need help, and help is there…either in person or online. However you must seek it out.
Talk to your Dr, your clergy and go to Alz.org or National Counsel on Aging, they all should be able to get you in touch with help. Good luck!

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I suggest to explore Meetup.com to join groups with interest like yourself and connect up with people in your local area.

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You are not alone! Take one step and one day at a time! You are still young!

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:-)
Thank you for the support and encouragement.

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Saint,, one step at a time my friend. You feel like its too much right now,, but chose something this week to move ahead,, and the other steps will be easier. As to a job,, maybe you have lost skills at your old job,, can you take an online course or two to catch up? or do you have a thing you enjoy that could lead to even a part time job to get you motivated,. So many places are looking for help these days,, maybe not high pay but a "fun"job? I would love to work at a bookshop, or a gift shop, or volunteer at an animal shelter! Get out and meet people that way! The first step is hard,, but you will meet people. Some people join a church, or try to reconnect to old friends.. you may find thier "petty concerns" are more bearable now that you can drop some caregiving

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Thank you for your reply. The idea of an online course is good and doing a few things each day. And the idea of a fun job sounds doable rather than go back to the more intense career I had. *Maybe I can* switch up what I do in mid-life, right?

I felt bad about writing ‘petty concerns’ after I reread what I posted. I was thinking of a time an old friend that talked on about her hair color and I just thought: when will this end? — I want to invest time to maintain the friendships — but I have so much I really need to do! If I could go back in time, I really should have sought out forums like this or a virtual support group with people going through the same thing as me. But at first, I didn’t understand what was happening!! Five years ago, I had a geriatric psychologist get very angry with me saying clearly after testing Mom I had lied to him about her ability. I did try to protect her dignity and didn't want to influence his findings too much. Then when he calmed down, he was like, okay, wait, you are a frog in boiling water. And she shouldn't be driving and wrote a letter to her doctor. I was just responding to whatever the daily thing was like whack-a-mole.

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I think it was a GOOD thing you did to move mom to Memory Care. There comes a time when dementia becomes too much for one person to handle alone at home. My mother went into MC herself at 92 and lived for nearly 3 years there, with excellent care & quite a lot of activities & stimulation every day. She was always busy with lots to do, thank God, and I know the quality of her life was better there than it would have been alone with only me for company. #Truth. She lived to 95 and the parade of caregivers through her room during the final week of her life was a testament to how much she was loved by them.

That said, I feel like you need to see your primary care doctor now for a possible prescription for anti depressants. You've lost yourself in the midst of caring for mom for so long. You're feeling unwarranted guilt for her having a disease that was not of your making, nor something you could possibly fix. Old age & infirmity is not within anyone's hands to fix but God's. Death is an inevitability for all of us, no matter what steps we take to prevent it. Wishing things could be different, or that we could be Superwoman doesn't change the facts of how things are. You may need a bit of help now that you're alone and trying to process what's known as anticipatory grief. And guilt for sending mom to Memory Care for 24/7 care. Anti depressants helped me a LOT when I was anxiety ridden after suffering a traumatic event in 2000. They cleared up my thinking so that I was able to relax and formulate a plan of action instead of stay mired in fear, sadness & sleeplessness. There is no shame in asking for help.

Once your head clears up a bit and you're able to smile again, think about rebuilding your life, one step at a time. You're still young at 52; certainly young enough to make new friends, date, join a book club, go on a singles cruise, all sorts of things. BUT, when you're depressed and not thinking clearly, it all seems undoable and impossible. You feel too tired and lethargic to do anything at all. That's probably where you're at right now, after being the sole caregiver to mom for so long. Now there's 'nothing' and you feel all alone and isolated.

Here is a link to a book, After Caregiving Ends, A Guide to Beginning Again: Support, Suggestions and Stories to Help You Heal and Step Into Next, by Denise M. Brown, that may be helpful for you to read:

https://www.amazon.com/After-Caregiving-Guide-Beginning-Again/dp/B09M9M888M/ref=asc_df_B09M9M888M/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=564725475526&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3525066860004235113&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9052218&hvtargid=pla-1599454523985&psc=1

Wishing you the best of luck. Sending you a hug & a prayer that all goes well for you, my friend.

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Thank you. I ordered the book.

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I understand your feelings of emptiness now that your responsibilities have lessened. It hasn't been very long since your mom's move to memory care. I wouldn't suggest doing anything drastic right now, but rather to begin slowly finding activities, preferably with other people. Do you have a job or was your full-time + job taking care of your mom? We all like to feel that we are contributing, so if you don't already have a job, would you like to find one that you like and maybe even get a small apartment in the town where the job is? Make the rural home a weekend place to go. Small steps toward building a new life is what has to happen now. Give yourself a break. This is really difficult. Don't let yourself get overwhelmed with all that has changed. One thing at a time.

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Any advice on restarting and rebuilding your life in midlife after full-time caregiving at home for years?

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