I'm not even sure how to ask this question...Just like a lot of us, I grew up with a childhood I wouldn't want to re-do...any way fast forward 60 years ( ugh) I finally figured out I wasn't alone, there are tons of us out there dealing with horrid situations of a nasty, miserable to the core mother.
If you read a lot of the threads we are in our late 40's, most of us are 60! Seems like there is an entire generation of us who are dealing with the ramifications of angry hateful spiteful mothers. Was it in the water? WW2 issues, they all can't be born with dementia!? Were they born with mental illness? Was this a social environment learned behavior? How did this happen?
When/where or why did narcissism become a way of life back then? How was it ok?
That pretty much set the stage for the rest of it, don't even ask about teenager time. I couldn't go to college, I was gonna get knocked up and waste the money. Then I met and married the " drunk, the loser"- we are married 40 yrs. He has bad legs, thusly "the drunk" walk and the loser twist. I then had 2 kids- should have had only one-"SHE is just like her father", my son walks on water in her eyes. So ya, ok, by now you get where I am going...but where did this generation of parent come from? Why did the men stay?
FYI, I really am not looking for the answer to how mothers can be jealous of their daughters. I know my mother has low self-esteem and self-worth! I do wish that my dad would have seen it! Sigh:(
I have seen situations like this over and over.
You’re very intuitive to pick up on her feelings. Yeah, sometimes there are underlying emotions that they don’t even understand at times. It’s very interesting, isn’t it?
I think many times we are too quick to judge. We are all guilty of it at some point.
So in many ways those who desired more in their lives were unfulfilled and some of them unintentionally took their frustrations out on their daughters who are living in a different world.
They didn’t know how to process their emotions. Psychology was not as common. There were no support groups like today. Daycare wasn’t available for their children. They were expected to be homemakers.
I recently heard someone say in an interview that they were able to completely forgive their mom because she had been an accomplished jazz singer in her day.
Then she married and had her daughter. She missed singing. Her daughter understood that later.
This woman was so incredibly interesting. This interview was on a public radio show about food and how people connect with food.
She decided that she wanted to help people open up about their secret desires. So she did something kind of radical or what might be considered strange by most people.
She talks to complete strangers at restaurants and fast food places and asks if they will join her at her table to share a meal. Weird right? Hold on, most people tell her yes!
It kind of reminds me of how people open up to bartenders and hairstylists.
Anyway, she gives them her phone number. She meets with them from time to time. She encourages them to follow their dreams and many have and have told her that her random meeting for lunch changed their life! Isn’t that fascinating?
She was inspired to do all of this because her mother was unfulfilled. I think she has an amazing heart and truly is making a difference in this world.
My mother is not a narcissist, but she is very passive aggressive and hell bent on getting her way.
She is extremely critical and often child-like. Her grandchildren do not want to be around her because she will inevitably say something shi++y, usually a back handed compliment. She told one granddaughter that "She had the cutest little blonde mustache." Out of the blue she told me "Your smile is pretty. Your teeth aren't so white like other people's." (side note - I have dark teeth from tetracycline and have always been self-conscious about it. Both my sisters had the same problem and have their teeth capped and now have beautiful WHITE TEETH smiles, which she complains about). I could go on and on with a list of inappropriate things she has said.
If you try to do something nice for her, she will make you regret it. One sister gets sucked into the guilt every couple of years. One year she took my mother on a cruise. She returned home swearing she would NEVER do that again!
She and my other sister are taking my mom to a Symphony Christmas program in Atlanta and spending the night at the Ritz, going to a fancy restaurant, etc. I chose to stay home and have my dad spend the night with me. I expect my mother will complain about it all saying the music was too loud, the food wasn't very good, the bed was hard, etc.
When it is just one on one with her, she can be fun. Something about being around several people and she will pour crazy from the bottle.
She was her mother's caregiver. Her mother criticized EVERYTHING about her from her weight to her housekeeping. But her mother worshiped the son who was her baby boy and who rarely visited.
Maybe you only treat her that way? Do some research and if you see yourself in the description, you can overcome this personality trait, acknowledging that you behave that way is the hardest part of healing.
Yes, science keeps people alive beyond quality of life, we are nothing but guinea pigs for them. That's where we come into the equation, we don't have to accept their poison.
I am 58 and have come to the realization I spent most of my life trying to make my impossibly narcissistic mom happy and me unhappy.
I went to therapy to learn boundaries and that is impossible with her in my home.
I found a good home for her and she is going there next month.
I deserve to have a life, so do you my friends. Take it now before you loose any more of it.
" ___ has ruined my life" " Im taking every pills in this house" on and on..but those are quotes- constant, daily, and just a few of her favorites. That leave me to believe that when time does come, Mrs. Miserable might finally find some solace. I spent most of my entire life trying to make her happy, it didnt happen, so maybe that will.
I never got any professional help. I was fully convinced "it" was me, I was "the reason"- there was something not right with me and never opened my mouth, due to embarrassing myself, more than my mother could do. That was one of her favorite tools- embarrassment. My first job, she called my boss to pick up my paycheck so I wouldnt buy drugs. WHO bought drugs???? Got an idea how long that job lasted? ( turns out, the real problem was dropping me off and picking me up, so if there is no job....) Puppy love thing I had going, she walked in- we were playing records sitting on the living room floor and she said "oh, you havent pulled your pants down yet? THAT was all over school by 8am....so ya, Im thinking that whatever she has going on in her brain, just might find some relief to finally be done with it. If that is the case, Ill be happy for her. As for me, trying to make her happy was drilled into my head, so despite her best efforts to make me a miserable mini-me- I think it will be ok.
My entire life growing up my mom used guilt to manipulate me into doing what she wanted to to do, for her. When she would get mad or depressed she made me feel responsible to make her feel better. It took me decades to make peace with our past. But now her being in my life 24/7 has brought so many of those old feelings back. I now have to care for a woman who NEVER, ever nurtured me. In fact she was abusive.
This is the worst thing that could have happened to both me and her.
I have no advice, just empathy.
Well, maybe I do have a little bit of advice. Several years back after my mom had her stroke I saw this freight train coming from miles away. I knew the time would come when she would need care and I knew my siblings wouldn't do shit and it would be on me. I read this book called "How to take care of your aging parent when they didn't take care of you" (pretty sure that's the title, I've since thrown it out so my mother couldn't accidentally find it!). My take away from that book is that the situation will be hard, but you can choose to re-frame the relationship dynamic by realizing they are not the same person. She is not the domineering one in command. She is vulnerable and afraid. Basically, making peace with it, again, for the final time.
I like to think that my "reward" will be that when she passes, it will be okay for me to be relieved, and I can feel good that I did the right thing and took care of her when she could no longer do it on her own. My grief will not be the same as it was with my dad. I hope that made sense.
Your post made sense! It's tough being the caregiver for the one who not only didn't care for you but actively disliked you and abused you. I always felt like the thorn in Mom's side; an unwanted nuisance, a bother, her competition for Dad's affection. Back in my forties I sought therapy to deal with my "mommy issues." The therapist suggested inviting Mom to one of our sessions, which I did. Mom refused. In part, I suspect it was a generational thing that she mistrusted psychotherapy. Not only that, Mom didn't want a third party brought into our messed-up mother-daughter dynamic. She knew she'd be "outed" for her manipulation and resentment, and that wouldn't do.
What really helped me was to recognize Mom's personality disorder for what it was: a form of mental illness. There was no fix. She'd never change. And as long as I allowed her to call the shots, our relationship would never change. I had to be the one to change. For one thing, if she hurts me, I don't let her see my pain or anger. She loves to provoke a bewildered look or tears. That's her instant gratification, on top of manipulating me to do what she wants. No one but a sick person does that.
Even though Mom puts on a front of self-confidence, she really isn't. She's afraid. Afraid of losing control of the narrative. Afraid people will see through the false self she's constructed and see the person she really is. It's sort of like making a speech in front of a huge audience and imagining them all in their underwear. When I think of her vulnerability, it gives me courage.
So that's how I've "reframed" the relationship. She's no longer in charge of my emotions. I've become a warrior princess. The slings and arrows hit my armor and fall off. When she does the guilt trips, I ignore them. I've gone so far as to say "I don't feel guilty Mom, so you can drop the guilt trip already. I haven't done anything wrong." The look on her face is priceless. Her worst nightmare: She's Lost Control. Oh, Noooooooo!
In the meantime, I've gone low contact. Mom doesn't live with me but lives in a memory care unit. Even though she has dementia, her self-absorption and manipulative behavior are still quite pronounced; in fact she's worse than she was prior to the onset of dementia. So I go see her for brief visits occasionally. Long visits usually end poorly. Short is best.
As the months and years go by, I've mourned what I never had with Mom and never will. When Mom passes I honestly don't know how I'll feel. Some relief, probably. Some regret. Sadness that we never had the mother-daughter relationship I longed for. So I do the best I can for her without sacrificing my sanity. I'll never make her happy. That's impossible. But I can make sure her needs are met and she's cared for properly.
I think how you've framed your response to your mom is sound. You're not alone in this. (((Hugs))))
This has altered my relationship with them, and not for the better.
I am sorry to hear about your issues with home care.
It is true, I hear this story a lot. Many homecare people are dangerous or inept.
I do not know what to tell you to fix things. But, it is a common complaint.
I am so happy to see that you have reached this place in your life. Amen to everything you said. My narc mother passed in December and the first thing I felt was relief. I still feel it. A huge burden has lifted ((((((hugs)))) to you and all of us.
It now my turn to give back to those who reached out to us and let them know THEY got thru to me. I say that with love and affection to a bunch of people so battered and emotionally, physically and financially beaten, split marriages, ruined careers!
THESE are the people who dragged me into daylight from a dark place. I am the proof that we do still- despite others actions- STILL have the guts to be human, to care, to give a dam about a total stranger face down in the mud!
To all who took the hurt, thank you for your best, thank you for being honest, being real, putting your worse life moments out there, you are amazing and I for one will always be here for those who still havent found light in this tunnel.
I am glad you are at peace! xoxoxox
My mom always told me "never have children" because she got stuck as a housewife and dad refused to let her work outside the home. My MIL always told my DH he was to blame that she was not able to leave his dad and move back to the old country.
Yet - these two had mothers that were great. Perhaps they did too much for their daughters which made them entitled B$&ches?? These grandmothers have always treated us with respect and kindness and just kind of enjoyed watching us turn out into the people we are.
Could it be alternating generations? I wonder what my son will say about me!!!
Thank you for sharing, everyone.
I'm a daughter of privileged 84 yr old, difficult-as-can-be, impossible, mean, old, narcissistic woman who has dementia and who blames everyone and anyone for everything. And if she can't see anything that's wrong she'll come up with something, that's for sure. She will find someone to spew venom all over also.
It is only getting worse, so feel very lucky to have a sister to share the load.
Best wishes everyone.
Thanks for sharing your stories and for listening to this one.
One more thing while Im being honest- for years, given this relationship....I figured out the reason I was taking this crap was waiting/hoping to fix (something in her) to get this into a mother daughter thing, especially being an only child. I was living, almost in fear of the shoulda woulda coulda's when she died. The mess I would be, when time ran out to fix things. Well, dahhhhh! Thats gone too. She prefers to find injustice in kindness, doesnt trust care and compassion. She is lazy, wont shower or care for herself, prefers to be naked ( yup, I said that) and at 91 yrs old- 340lbs, its an eye full. I have to fight with her to get her into a shower, every 6 weeks or so. She smells! Hair all over the place, just ugh! She will turn down every invite so she does not have to do one dam thing and the flips the miserable switch b/c other accept invites and go. So, when her time comes, I intend to have her dressed to the nines and send her off to eternity, my way.
Some parents withhold approval to manipulate their children into doing more and more for them, keeping them running for the carrot just out of reach. It's also a power trip for them.
You are good enough. You always have been. You will never, ever, get your mom's approval, because once you get it, she's lost her power over you. Go find your own carrot and love yourself. You can't change your mom, but you can change yourself.