Does anyone have any idea how so many of us ended up with such difficult moms? What the hell happened?

Oh my oh my goodness, I thought I was a unique individual LOL if you find the answer please please share!

Let's face it, most of us are a byproduct of sex.

There was no thought or consideration for the long haul.
Hence, the ugly attitudes towards their children.

I remember when I was 8 years old my mom told me, yet again, that I should never have been born, I looked her right in her face and said I never asked to be here and if I had a choice it wouldn't have been you.

That has always been our relationship and at this point, probably will always be our relationship.

I had 2 older brothers that were the cats meow. So, I am completely good on giving her the one surviving sons phone number. Yea, I'm the only one that has talked to her for the last 20 years, I refuse to be like her. I love her and will help her but I will never be able to give her a place in my home. She is dangerous toxic and I have to be careful with her all the time. Sad, but it is what it is.

I think women deprive themselves of what could be wonderful relationships by being jealous, resentful and hateful to their children.

My MIL is so friendly to her son but takes all of her anger out on me. She just wants to die and be with her husband and resents what is done to make her life better. I've started making my husband care for her and I stay away.

Today, sitting with 92 yr old aunt (vascular dementia) at her ophthalmologist appointment, I read her a couple of the questions from Aging Care as I do from time to time.
Yours was one I read. I only read the subject, “Does anyone have any idea how so many of us wound up with difficult moms? What the hell happened?”
without skipping a beat she said “They had kids “.

note. She has no children but helped raise 13 nieces and nephews.

I don't think that dysfunctional or narcissistic mothers are new. How we handle them has changed. Fifty years ago, it was pretty much unheard of for anyone to talk about dynamics in the family, certainly not in a public forum. I have friend who comes to mind, she is 10 years older than I. Our mothers could have been separated at birth they are so similar in personalities. Her parents are both gone now. Her father was abusive and hit his children. It wasn't until both parents were gone and they were selling the parents house that the neighbors admitted to her that they heard things from the house when they were little, and kind of new the father was abusive but just never said anything. That's how it was. You didn't say anything. Your siblings didn't say anything. The neighbors who heard the screaming and crying and shouting never said anything. It just wasn't something you did in polite society. You minded your own business. Now, people are so open they post what they had for breakfast and have no qualms posting their families secrets all over social media. It's an entirely different society from 50 to 60 years ago.

So perhaps its not that it's new, per se. I think we are just talking about it more and doing so we are realizing we are not so alone in this. Perhaps all of that repressed rage, anger and depression has been passed down from parents to children over numerous generous and none of us knew it because no one ever talked about it.

We’re not having Christmas anymore not after last year my mom birthday is two weeks after Christmas so I gave her gifts for each occasion she told me it was the worst Christmas and birthday ever I went for a walk and when I got back all the gifts were given back to me who can top that

I am 60, and grew up in the Air Force, till I was 16,I have one brother 2 yrs older, an a brother 10 yrs, younger. And a sister 12 yrs younger,
And Yes all 4 of us from the Same, Mother,& Father.
We all had a very ,
Strong, Relation Ship, which we all had a ,
Very Good Childhood,
No Regrets, and Could Not Ask for any thing to be different. Good Structure,
& Well Cared for in a Loving & Respeted ( Each Other ) Family. As was Our, 2 Daughters.&There Children.
Could't Be Happier.

Newsflash! Mothers are people! Just because a person has given birth or signed adoption papers does not make them a good, caring person. There are all kinds of people in the world, some nice and some not so nice, and you don't get to pick your mother. The situation has always been and always will be.

Eeveryone will tell you "it's the holidays, just sick it up". NOPE!
Let your husband know that you will be driving in a separate car. Give everybody else holiday greetings and MIL.

GI've your husband a nod, get your purse and coat, excuse yourself and lie if you need to do so.

Walk out and go home, to a friend or your own family to celebrate. There is nothing written in stone that you HAVE TO stay with anyone you don't feel comfortable with or know they don't want you around.

Our daughter had a somewhat similar situation only hers was being back home (we've lived out of State for 20 yrs now) and is an RN. She would let Mom know that she was on call so what are the holiday plans (she had to be within 15 minutes of the hospital). Mom would tell her, she'd let the charge nurse know, get everything arranged.

THEN SHE WOULD GET THE DREADED CALL. The time has changed because one of the 2 cousins had time issues with the baby daddies. Or, we're celebrating tomorrow because...... She rarely had holidays with the family because she was on call or working.

Aafter she finally got her 10 years in with the County for her retirement, she decided to move to be near Mom/Dad. We may not celebrate Thanksgiving on the actual day or Christmas because we celebrate accordingly to her schedule. Daddy even changes his vacation days to do this.

Sure, we'd like to be with family but daughter is more important. It's just the 3 of us, but we have so much fun playing stupid games, watching college football, she/daddy drinking wine. We enjoy each other and screw my family who I would go all out like Mom would when we were kids to make the holiday memorable for everyone. Formal dinner with best china, crystal and flatware. Plate chargers, sparkling juice (have alcoholics in family), kids table. Looked like Norman Rockwell. Made them play games before dinner and after while I cleaned the kitchen. No presents were opened until I made hot white chocolate milk. 1 gift was opened at a time so we could all enjoy the look on the receiver's face, laugh or whatever. Yes, the kids had to wait too and were generally last so they would learn proper manners and then have all the fun they wanted while adults talked, laughed and enjoyed each other's company.

My family would ask me to have all the holidays at our house because they would have so much fun. If there was a squabble happening with someone and they refused to come, fine that's their choice. No harm, no foul.

I would always ask that if they had a friend or co-worker who did not have family, to invite them to our holiday. I would always have a gift for them too. Mom always did this and I took that mantle from her.

You've put up with this for so many years, give yourself a rest if your husband won't help the situation. Just do the proper thing and then excuse yourself, go home, take aspirin, go to bed and relax. If your husband says anything, tell him that this is the way you are handling the issue(s) UNTIL he stands up and goes to bat for you.

Midkid,
I know how you feel about you MIL. My husband is Jewish (if you have Amazon Prime....watch the Marvelous Mrs Meizel) and I'm not. Never had an issue with Nanny or Gramps, LOVED THEM. Nanny went to Julliard and should have been a concert pianist. She and her sister were always dressed to the 9s, but Nanny could tell you hilarious "blue" jokes without changing from prim/proper to Mrs Meizel. Her sister would be SHOCKED and always would say "Phoebe, how could you"?
If any of you grew up in the Detroit MI area had know or heard of Weinkleman's, that's my husband's family (great-Aunt/Uncle).
Things started out great with MIL, but turned about 5 years into our marriage. My husband does not mince words. I told him I couldn't handle his Mother's treatment any longer so he could go to her house for High Holy days etc without me. My husband told his Mother and everybody else in the family where they could place their opinions/treatment of me. That I most likely know more about Jewish history/faith than any of them. That I'm his wife and they will treat me as such or he will no longer be part of the family.
Guess who everyone turned to when MIL was sick with liver cancer, 3 guesses and 2 don't count. I was at the hospital everyday or called her when I could not be there. I took over the RN's duties when MIL was at the point we knew it could be any moment. I talked with her the entire time, none of her family would touch her. Why are you talking to her? I was raised Pentecostal and was doing what we always did with the I'll and dying. When I knew it was time for her to go to her family, I told everyone to say their goodbyes. I stayed behind, talked with her about things and then told her it was ok to leave and go to her Mom, Dad, brother and sister. She passed not too long afterward. My step-sister in law, our daughter came back into the room. The men (customary for oldest son to make arrangements) went to the funeral home. My SIL told me it was time to leave...NOPE. I will stay until she is taken to funeral home. She was shocked daughter was holding her Grandmother's hand (don't touch the dead, hence the purpose of shroud). Daughter told her that she was going to hold her hand until she's taken away. SIL was more than shocked. I called my Mom and she came to sit with us too.
In the end and thanks to my husband, my MIL was very accepting of me and life ended with us being friends.

Part of the answer could be that years ago people were not as conscious and knowledgeable as far as mental and emotional issues and therefore the need to seek help.

Even now many people refuse to open themselves up to the possibility of seeing a therapist to sort out issues originated in their past that may be negatively impacting their current lives, now imagine 30, 40 years ago! People were not really familiarized with terms such as bipolar or narcissistic syndrome, ocd, anxiety, dementia, etc. People didn’t even know about self help books that address dysfunctional behavior and toxic relationships with relatives or with others.

I am by no means implying that therapy and books are the panacea for all, far from it. What I’m saying is that there used to be a significant widespread ignorance when it comes to emotional and psychological health.

I think people used to deal with the same situations we deal right now as caregivers, taking care of difficult parents, burnout, etc., yet they just took it as it was and dealt with it. There was no website such as this one where we all can communicate and share experiences, making each other aware that we are not alone and that there are MANY of us dealing with similar situations. Actually before I joined this site and started to get informed online I had no idea that, for example, there was a huge “wave” of children caring for narcissistic parents.

I’m certain that we all carry emotional and psychological baggage from our childhood and young adult years. Being aware and conscious of that is key so we are also aware of what we need to work on in order to have healthier relationships and interactions with others. In the past people had very limited access to what now we have abundance of.

I know for experience that it is it is extremely important to be able to recognize behaviors that originated in some kind of illness, such as depression, dementia or even Alzheimer’s, instead of blaming the person exhibiting the behaviors and resenting them.

Lastly and sadly, I don’t think we are “done” with a generation with extreme mental and behavioral issues, I believe WE have all the potential to be the next ones! :( Remember we are not exempt from dementia or any other ailments, and we don’t know how we will deal with the generalized decay that comes with aging. All we can do is prepare ourselves better for those not so golden years, and, since we have more awareness, start working on our own psychological issues now, so hopefully when we get to our later years we won’t be a such a puzzling burden for someone that might be the next one wondering how did they end up with such a messed up generation of loved ones to care for!

As we speak, mine is holding Christmas hostage. No, she’s not sick, she is in AL and I should be punished for that. So she’s decided not to come, we’re all adults it’s not a gift thing it’s a get together, see great grands, and just be a part. No pressure no expectations we all grew up a long time ago. She’d said she was going to come Christmas Eve, spend the night have Christmas dinner with just husband and I. No, not doing it.

Women had a tough time in the 30's and 40's. They had JUST gotten the right to vote, but the mentality was still very much that women were beneath men. I heard my Dad and his friends put females down often in the 60's as I grew up. He'd say we were weak, stupid and uninteresting. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy, since we weren't allowed to play or learn a sport or help with fixing or creating anything, at home or at school. Women were banned from doing road races, going in weight rooms or gyms, or attending shop class. We were shown how to play each sport only one time per year and we had to wear dresses while we did it.
So I can imagine how few outlets women had 30 years before that.
Besides, my Dad was not a better parent than Mom. He was perpetually annoyed and angry. ANY question we asked, whether it was "Dad will you help me with my homework?" or "do you know what time it is?" the answer was always the same. He'd repeat the question back with a tone that suggested it was the dumbest and most annoying question ANYone had ever asked. We never got an answer, so sometime in the first grade, I just quit asking. In fact, I quit talking altogether since anything I said was an imposition on my parents.
I tried telling Mom about my day at school a few times when she picked me up, but got no response from her.... not even a nod or a "that's nice." She made NO attempt to sound interested. Eventually, I quit talking to all adults, and then to people in general. It started a cycle of social ineptness followed by backlash, then more withdrawal, and more backlash.
Mom's room was adjacent to mine, so, on Saturdays, I had to listen to her complain to her friends on the phone for hours about what an imposition we were and how she couldn't wait for us to grow up and leave.
Both my parents are narcissists. They don't even consider each other, much less anyone else.
They're also both compulsive liars. They lie about things they don't even need to lie about. It's habit.
And denial is how they handle all problems.
Mom despised me growing up because I would sometimes call out their lies and inconsistencies. They made so many rules for me to follow, all with threats of punishment both now and eternally if I didn't follow their rules. It was crazy-making to see them, and other adults, breaking their own rules daily.
My brother would always go along with their lies and pretended to go along with the rules, saying "Yessir" and "yes, ma'am" to everyone, then doing whatever he wanted. Adults thought he was great til they got to know him. He and Mom seemed to have a pact: "cover for my lies, and I'll cover for yours" so she favored him and still does. He was constantly making poor choices: vandalizing property, stealing, cheating at school, and Mom would lie for him. He tried to pin things on me sometimes, and no adults ever protected me from him so I spent much of my childhood hiding in the attic or in a little brick house I built in the back yard where i could read books or talk to the animals.
By the time I got to age 10, I had pulled out most of my hair.
Then my brother shot me in the leg and claimed it wasn't on purpose even though he had pointed the pistol right at me. At age 12, he blinded me in my right eye, which I spent thousands of dollars on during my adult life, trying to see.
What saved me from my family was the book "I"m OK; You're OK" and then books by Leo Buscaglia and Wayne Dyer.
Now, my brother is 63 and addicted to pain pills and nicotine, as is his wife. They fight constantly.
I didn't take on any addictions, and put myself through college. So, even though Mom still favors my brother, the rest of society now likes ME better.
I know nothing about Mom or Dad's upbringing but what I do know is that conditioning is VERY hard to overcome. We ARE our parents in so many ways, and they are THEIR parents.

Struggling1, question, are you a middle child because the shrinks are right about that and it's been confirmed to me by my therapist(s). I know why my Mother is the way she is.
Her Mother was a weekend alcoholic. She would have to go looking for her on the bar strip, get her home, clean her up and in bed before Dad got off his late night bus driving shift. If Grandma was drunk, the house wasn't clean, meals cooked Mom got the razor strap. She was the whipping post for all the wrongs. She suffers from depression and was OCD before anyone knew what that was. She made sure all 3 of us girls knew how to cook, bake, clean house, laundry etc to take care of Dad and our brother should anything happen to her. We had a wonderful childhood because she put everyone before herself. She would hold money away so we hand 3 new dresses each school year, birthday presents and Christmas. She went to work to pay for my braces and eye glasses and great vacations to Disneyland. The depression came out when Dad left her after 38 yrs of marriage. She never felt she was important. She retired as a Bank Officer over Commercial credit files. She was forced to retire. That was her life especially after Dad left her. I was always trying to prove I was as good as my siblings, but I was never noticed or good enough. I learned that I have suffered from depression since the 3rd grade and didn't know that was the issue. I became my Mother. I get to the point with things if they're not done like I want them, things like loading the dishwasher. I'll even rearrange friends dishwashers so dishes will be washed more efficiently and not have to be washed again. I cleaned a friend's corningware by hand, scrubbed with Comet and scraped with a tooth pick. She said it looked like it came out of the box. Always return items better than borrowed...MOM!!. I was the 1 who had to help take the wax off the floor and polish after the new layer was done. I couldn't go to college to become a teacher because Dad said women only go to get their MRS degree. I was the only 1 who had the desire to go out of their 4 kids. I married a wonderful man and have the BEST daughter and their best grandchild because I raised her the same way Mom did us, but she can't cook. She went to college and became an RN while her cousins did drugs, have different baby daddies. My brother had 2 great sons, but he is now having problems with them as adults, no drugs etc just not being adults. He has a granddaughter he/wife haven't seen in 4 yrs. My husband came from a very wealthy Jewish family, he lived your life. Had everything money could buy, housekeeper, but that didn't matter.
My Mom couldn't understand why she had 2 who were problems when they hit teen years and 2 who lived up to expectations. I told her she could only raise us, teach us but once we could use our own brains and live our lives, she no longer had control.
I AM MY MOTHER AND I KNOW IT. I see her every morning when I look in the mirror, but I have a good marriage, we've had ups/downs, but nothing like my sisters. Mom always trusted me, told me I had always been her favorite. I am now taking care of her because she had trust in me. No matter how many times she spanked/grounded me she's the best Mom I could ever have had and I thank God everyday. She was our rock and the glue. We failed her. I'm sorry you didn't have a life that you can look back and see happiness.

I always wonder how my Mother ended up like she is. At 90 she is mean and nasty to me but nice as can be to anyone else outside our home. I hear all the time how sweet she is from other people.Then and as soon as we are in the car again nothing is good enough for her. Always has something nasty to say about the person she was just acting like was her best friend. I don't get it.

Givingup1 and SueC1957
My heart goes out to you both ,I but you were the the best mom's in the world! 💔

Old age and the silent generation happened. No elder say EVER - "It's great to be aged."

I've been there and done that..
You CAN do this! I did! Both are passed now,.. After they go,..
you'll see it wasn't all in vain... Hard to see it now,.. but continue to serve and
be as understanding as one possibly can... time is shorter than it may seem now.

My mom is 80 with mixed dementia. She was never easy to live with, but now, that I have to care for her, she is unbearable. She was spoiled.
She never worked outside the home and dad gave in to her every whim. She was always so critical of me, an my immediate family but it's hard to take when I am bending over to take care of her.
I balance her, work, being a wife and mother. My brothers come by once in a while to visit but they can do no wrong.
At one point, she got so mad that I didn't bring her her meds in a medicine cup, that she yelled that she hated me and always did and that she had never wanted to get pregnant in the first place. It was all my dad's fault I was here.
Yikes! talk about no filter! I do realize that's it's the mental damage but it still hurts when I'm like the 24/7 slave.
Only cares about her needs. Period. It's funny that she is the mean one but I feel guilty for even complaining about the bad treatment of me. I fight off depression daily.

I'm going to try a different take on this than some of the other answers. At this point in our lives it be better to look forward rather than back. You are not the person your mom thinks you are. You are the person that you and the people who love and respect you think you are. Do what you have to do for your mom, but make sure you are living the life you want as much as possible. You can only control and change yourself, you cannot control or change her. Best wishes. Just know that I know exactly what you are talking about.

An early poster thought that difficult mothers were the result of women working rather than staying home to raise children as God intended. I’d like to suggest the opposite: most of the ‘difficult’ mothers were stay-at-homes in the 50s and 60s. With smaller families plus the improvements in pre-prepared food and in household appliances, their workload was well below that of earlier generations. ‘The Ballad of Lucy Jordan’ said it well. ‘Her husband, he's off to work And the kids are off to school And there were oh so many ways For her to spend her days. She could clean the house for hours Or rearrange the flowers’ - or just go around the bend. However the women that liked it that way were pretty keen on ‘it’s all about me’, looking good and being looked after. They still are!

Dear Abby and Ann Landers. Many of our mothers were taking advice from two twin sisters who couldn't even get along well enough to speak with each other.

Then there was Dr Spock. Mothers were taught to put their children on a strict schedule and ignore their children when they [their children] were crying.

It was the generation where many of the moms had to go to work outside the house. WWII, Korean War, etc. I am sure many of you will disagree with this, but, God set up the family unit with the man working to supply food and women to have and raise the children. When this is interrupted, the results are not good.

Such a good question. I am dealing with my mom who just moved into AL. Yes she is getting old and yes she is starting to have dementia but the nastiness is off the charts. My memories of childhood seem to be good but I am wondering if I have repressed something. Her sister, my aunt put her children through hell also when she moved to AL. I thought the greatest generation were supposed to be so stable and hearty. It's really sad that it has become a chore just to be around her. I know that sounds horrible but it is the truth.

I think perhaps because society allowed it, in the WW2 generation, without ramification.

Back then is very difficult to say something negative about a mother. The 50, 60 and 70s was the era of mother worship....whether or not they deserved it.

Even colleges discriminated against women by refusing to admit them to medical schools or in majors with career paths considered better suited for men.

So a lot of parents felt it was okay to deny their daughters an education.

That no longer happens to women. Women are expected to go to college, today and if a parent is capable of paying for all their children, but refuses to pay for a daughter, it is considered abuse, today.

Also, today, if a mother emotionally and verbally abuses a child or refuses to pay for college for a daughter while paying for sons, they may get a visit from child protective services, if the child complains to a school counselor.

I recently saw a women here posting that she would haunt her children, if they did not abide by her wishes, regarding a particular situation.

I do not know how old she was, but I do know that recently at my daughter's school a 12 year old complained that her mother was always threatened to haunt the child, when she died, if the daughter did not abide by the mother's controlling wishes.

The child complained to a school counselor and soon the mother had a visit from protective services.

They informed this woman that threatening to haunt a child is frightening to the child.

Child protective services informed this terrible mother that Haunting is meant to terrorize and make someone feel unsafe, they said. It is also a method of controlling the child.

All of the above acts, today are considered child abuse, thus this woman was informed, by child protective services, that here behavior was not considered good mothering and was abusive.

As for me, why on earth any mother would want to make their child feel unsafe or insecure is beyond me.

However in the WW2 generation controlling one's children by frightening them was considered okay.

Therefore, I think a lot of WW2 generation mothers were given carte blanche to be abusive and controlling and they still remain so.

If you have one of those mothers, I am sending hugs your way, and if you feel the need to walk away from the abuse, you will be doing nothing wrong.

In fact today many psychologists suggest that a daughter cut ties to a continually abusive mother.

What really makes me sad, though, is that some younger women, who had Narcissistic mothers, have not learned anything by living with an abuser. Instead, they also similarly abuse their own children.

The up side is that today, it is not as easy to get away with it.

I know what you mean...it seems all the mothers we baby boomers have are nuts! However, my mother’s dementia is causing all The meanness and selfish behaviors, not to mention the violence & cursing. She was a good, caring & loving mom when I was growing up. She was interested & involved in my school...was PTA President! Helped her parents when they got sick & old, took care of my Dad when he got sick...she got up numerous times in the middle of the night every time I called her if I had a bad dream or my blanket fell off....After my father passed, we became joined at the hip & went every vacation together. She never dated anyone or was interested in another man...she spent most of her time helping my grandma....so you see, the evil selfish needy narcissist she is now is totally dependent on me or my paid private caregiver to wash & dress her, diaper her, put her on commode ...she don’t walk or stand either. Every once in a while she demands she CAN walk & unbuckles her wheelchair & ends up falling down on floor...I could go on & on....but you get the picture.

I am not sure that the majority of 80 year old mothers are spiteful, narcissistic, etc. There certainly are tons of such mothers. And also when a person becomes elderly the brain shrinks. Eventually when the frontal lobes shrink, a person loses the ability to monitor their behavior and can't behave politely. Lots of us have spiteful thoughts that we don't share, but we hold back because we don't want to hurt other people's feelings. But demented people don't hold back. So I think that if we are caring for an ill, suffering, cognitively impaired older person, we will be exposed to anger, depression, fear, irritation--all unpleasant emotions.
My own mother had a very nasty temper. She wasn't narcissistic, though. (I'm 76 so maybe my mother belongs to the previous generation.)
Perhaps you are encountering many people who share your negative childhood experiences, and so concluding that this is the norm. I think it's comforting to find other people who share your experience so you can realize you are not alone. That's one of the reasons I love this website. Care taking is a stressful experience--even with the most reasonable and well-meaning mothers (spouses, children, parents, etc.) There is always the pain of failure and loss. The loved one is ill, not getting better, demanding more than we can give (or we are demanding more of ourselves than we can give.) Plus you may be working full time days as well as nights having to deal with unpleasant tasks such as changing diapers, giving insulin injections, cleaning bodily fluids. I didn't understand any of this or how common it is until I began to care for my husband. Then I began to learn that many of my neighbors were in the same situation.
Narcissism is never ok. But a parent has power over their children--and narcissists will never accept blame. So anything the narcissist does is always ok. I have heard that narcissism is partially caused by early childhood experiences of neglect and rejection. As a result, the child learns to "put up a wall" to protect the self against any threats to self esteem. But you can't receive love or relax and share your vulnerability with other people if you are stuck behind the wall of your defenses.
To conclude, I don't know if there is a social reason for poor mothering. Maybe it results from stress or abuse--whether from childhood or from economic and/or social injustice in later years. I hope you derive some comfort from realizing that you are not alone, and that no one deserves to be abused or mistreated.

I think that a lot of women were suppressed & as they age the govenors have come off of their mouth which explains now - they were strangled by what society concidered the norm .... mom stays home & cleans/cooks/raises kids while dad goes out every day into 'the world' which explains then

Women were angry at the world for giving them so little fulfillment so were bitchy to their kids - many didn't even get much choice in who they could marry & their 'true love' wasn't who they ended up with so were frustrated in many ways

However they planted enough rebellion to allow the baby-boomer generation to change much like the pill, getting a higher education, living on their own before marriage etc to become the norm - now nobody thinks twice about a lady dr or dentist, going hundreds of miles to a university that has the programme that is right for them but for their generation it was unthinkable -

There would be a lot more of us just as bitchy & frustrated as our moms but we went out into the world & did something we wanted to do - so as many have had bad past relationships with them .... also try to look at what they dealt with - maybe ask your mom what opportunities she past up or was denied having a chance at

For my mom it was no having piano lessons because older brother wasted his time on his, not being able to go to art school [got her B. of Fine Art at age 47], she was secretary for a man but really more of a PA but had to give up that job as my dad moved for highering his education, she wanted to design clothes -

Have you ever asked your mom what she would have wanted as a profession? this may surprise you! - so think about it & maybe ask her next time you talk to her

Dear Struggling1,
Hi this is a comment on a posting earlier from Struggling1, I am one of the few you have spoken about having angry spiteful mothers, your article was amusing as well as horrid, I am full aware of what you are/or have went with such a mother. I often wonder sometimes why I stayed around and took care of her with caregivers as well as myself with my husband for the second shift of each entire day one end until it came to placing her in an assisted living facility before I ended up in the hospital/or dead myself (so said the social worker from the hospital) from the hatefulness that endured on either of us, I found a place I saw that gave such great care for people that have these diseases (dementia/alzheimers)and my mom has been in their since 2017 going on 2 year now. She seems to have made a 90 degree turn around from what she was with me, although I know there are some times she gets mad at the assistance ladies on different things that need to be done. All I can say is unfortunately you have to get away from her/him in order to survive yourself in order to either take care of them with caregivers in house or in a facility. I visit my mom twice a week now/ I bring her all she needs (snacks, reading material, videos for her TV/dvd player. The only thing that isn't fair to us who have to endure the payment that would pay 3 households rent/mortgage to keep our parents in 24/7 care for the rest of their lives, their come many of depression inregards to am i going to have enough money to keep this going and cant find any assistance that will pay or help with the payment enough to be comfortable. Many regards to you I hope you get or have gotten the help you need for your mom.

I think it has more to do with the way life was in the 40's, 50's then into the 60's. Life was simple and predictable. There were certain norms that were accepted as solid things that were always in place not to be changed. A whole generation of people solid in lives of simple security and tradition simply stayed in that time without moving on and exploring other possibilities as the world exploded into the winds of change. Our mothers and fathers are simply back there somewhere in a different world that they don't want to let go off. So anything new or something helpful that technology has brought about to make life easier is looked at as if it was Alien thinking. You're the Alien now and your dealing with historic thinking. So you get the push back because your Mom just doesn't understand her world anymore. They snap because the ego seems to still be alive and does not want to look stupid and clueless. My mom isn't like she used to be and right now her constant crabbiness is a mix of all kinds of feelings surrounding loss. Our Moms are loosing their minds in degrees and they often know it. The world isn't what it was and they are left behind. It's all just maddening for them and they get cranky. So you might consider your Moms past, her life losses and what she is loosing now. It's my belief that they kick and scream inside and it all spills out. So look at the bigger picture if you can. It's hard I know but there are reasons for their behavior as their brains change. It's really hard so be kind with yourself too! Its a hard journey I can see it coming with my mom and I'm not liking what I see. It's just hard.