My mom with Alzheimer's has started having more urine accidents while we are out and about. She won't go to bathroom before we leave ALF; says she doesn't have to go. When out, if we do find a restroom she urinates before reaching toilet or urinates all over her clothing if no toilet available. I've shown her how to use incontinence pads but she keeps telling me she thinks they are for her feet. Any ideas on how to get her to use pads? She denies having accidents and so is very resistant to even listening to me about pads. I will be putting together a 'go out kit' to keep in my trunk that will have a change of clothes for her but I am hoping for ideas for prevention of this embarrassment for her.
My 95 yo mother was incontinent since the age of about 75. She wore the Depends 24/7 and always carried an extra one if she had to go places.
When she was in an afh, I was asked to not call them diapers but instead call them 'women's briefs'.
I would recommend you just swap out the undies for the briefs, when she's not in the room. No discussion, no explanations, no arguments, just do it. IF she knew what the pads were for (her feet? really?), she could likely handle it, but pads tend to bunch up, which can lead to leaking, and I honestly don't think they can handle full on urination, despite claims - a little leakage, sure, but a full load? During a UTI, mom was night time wetting the bed. That was after being toileted before retiring to bed, AND wearing not only MAX briefs, but with a MAX pad inserted into the brief.
For your peace of mind and in the interest of comfort and staying clean and dry, swap the undies out. She questions them, just nicely "remind" her she's been wearing them for years! It can't hurt to have any "emergency" pack in the car, change of clothes, spare briefs, etc.
She will have no choice but to wear them.
Pads probably are not absorbent enough alone anyway and they do minimal for bowel incontinence.
She throws a child-like temper tantrum any time I explain this to her. I understand it must really suck to get old and must really be humiliating for someone to know he/she requires "diaper-like" garments to function (of course we all know by now the term "diaper" must never be spoken).
Nonetheless, this causes an enormous amount of stress because she doesn't want to speak of this at all, and when I do she gets extremely egoistic and defensive, claiming she doesn't need it, and "You're just trying to control me. You're not my boss."
Of course, I'm not trying to "be her boss". I'm just trying to protect my property and save her reputation and avoid embarrassment for her.
If she insists on peeing all over herself and her own clothing and embarrass herself on her own time in her own space and property, that's her business. I advise, but never try to control her life. I wouldn't want anyone trying to control me either. But when it comes to my property, I'm not required to let her destroy it just to satisfy her own ego, and while I tolerated these accidents for a while, I can no longer do it. It's destroying my relationship with her.
It's a situation in progress. She's a proud and arrogant woman. Always has been. She just can't seem to come to terms with her urinary incontinence issues. There are many great suggestions/tips here on this thread that I'll try.
I bought some for my mom, they have them in light & extra padding. Discreet and very comfortable.
NO ONE should be forcing ANYTHING on another person, for ANY reason.
She's not "getting away" with anything. Clearly she doesn't even know what the pads are, thinking they're for her feet.
Once again, RIF (Reading Is Fundamental). You wrote: "she should be placed." OP's original post says: "...before we leave ALF..." So, where are YOU proposing she be placed?????
It's not tolerating. Would you feel the same about a child who isn't potty-trained yet? Tolerating it OR understanding this is how it is. REAL life.
I have a cat who has "issues" and I have to "toilet" her, aka on regular intervals put her in a cat playpen and wait for her "business" to be done. There are still times I don't catch her in time. She is NOT an elderly cat. So, would YOU deal this Ms Animal Lover, or would you throw her out with the trash? I'm sure few people would put up with this, but she's a sweet loving girl who has issues. I will NOT throw her out or subject her to living miserably in the shelter for the rest of her life.
These are REAL people we're talking about. Those who come here to ask for advice CARE about the person and are not about to abandon them and leave them to rot in their room for the rest of their life. There ARE ways to get around this without your harsh methods.
Also, she lives in an ALF, not in the home. She HAS hired help...
There's no need to hire someone else, just remove all the underwear and put disposable briefs in their place.
When you are getting her ready to go out, pack extra pads so that if she make a bathroom run, you are prepared. Talk to her about - remember last week, you had to change all your clothes? (If you think she remembers).
It's really causing a lot of stress for me having her in my home. I'm always worried about the furniture and my car. She seems not to understand or she doesn't notice that her clothes and nighties smell like urine. She's totally dismissive of the Depends I bought her. I'm going to have to be more firm and insistent. I'll use some of the tips I've learned here.
For my car, furniture, and her guest bed, I use the XXL puppy pads that people use for dogs. The look and smell nice, they're absorbent, and it will cut down on much of the anxiety you have that she's going to destroy your things.
There are some that thin material but the pad can hold a lot. Good luck.
Blowing out a 'thong' style underwear in a nice restaurant was the end of it for me. He was mildly embarrassed, but still wanted to stay to eat--just move tables.
Well, the staff had to move everybody ELSE and I had DH take his dad out to the car. I stayed behind and helped clean up. Then tipped everyone who helped $20 (this was 18 years ago--nowadays I would tip $50!!).
I bought a box of depends, and threw out all his thongs. He was mad, but never said anything. DH said I was being over-the top with this and I pointed out to HIM that dad had sat in poopy pants in HIS car, which required a major cleaning. If HE wanted to do this, he was on his own with his dad.
We think so much for the safety and care of our LO's, but I can tell you that this one incident (and there were many more) probably ruined the lunch experience for every patron in that restaurant.
Not giving them a choice makes the choice. It was the saddest part of the EOL care for FIL. By refusing to wear the depends, he made the choice to not be allowed to go out to eat. (The whole family was on the same page on this).
I'm sad to this day that FIL's stubbornness made his last 6 months of life fairly lonely.
embarassment passed. Just dont use the diapers; Pink pull ups fit well look nice and work.
My husband recently had his prostate removed for cancer. He wears the overnight pull up version of Depends for men. He places an overnight pad inside while he is working since he has very limited continence at this point in his recovery. He has not had to change his clothing once in the 6 weeks since surgery. He makes trips to the restroom while at work every 2 hours and only needs to change the pads, not the entire set-up. At night, he wears the same set-up and has not had any leaks for over 6 hours.
It is not fair to restaurants and patrons if the seats are wet and not wiped clean.
Don't start calling them diapers.
Unfortunately product not adequate for need, so professional advice sought, suggestion was booster pads & clean-up kit to go. Again "I don't need..". So again, new boundary, again no car. Round two. Stuck there.
So that's where I exited. All transport must be with Aides.
(While that sounds harsh, mobility & behaviour issues were also big factors).
I believe 97yroldmom Is correct. It is something for the OP to adjust to - the new normal.
However, this isn’t a problem with mom. I want to gently suggest that this is a problem with your being in denial of moms situation. I’m sorry. I know you are working so hard to do for her. Time to reassess.
“very resistant to even listening to me about pads” so you have learned she has lost the ability to remember that she has accidents.
“this embarrassment for her”. What about you? She has already forgotten it’s ever happened.
She is probably only embarrassed in the moment.
Don’t leave the facility w/o her wearing incontinence underwear. If that’s too confusing for her to only wear then, have her wear them all the time. If she is having accidents with you, she is probably having accidents when you aren’t there. This issue will not reverse itself. You are just kicking the can down the road by ignoring that she has reached a new level.
If this is all too stressful for you and mom, might be time to rethink any outings until she has fully transitioned to protective underwear. If she has an aide to help her dress, ask them to have the underwear on her before you arrive. Don’t put yourself through this worry each time you go out.
The good thing is that once YOU have made the transition you will soon notice it is no longer a big deal to her.
She needs incontinence underwear, not pads.
Replace her regular underwear with "fancy pants" or whatever euphemism you use.
There is regular underwear with built in protection (the brand I see a lot is called Speax; there Depends and Teva which are disposable.