My 86-year-old father with dementia falls a lot and it is wearing out my frail mom. She is finally willing to let him go for better care and to give her some rest. He is often very agitated when detained at the hospital, so I foresee that this will be a challenge. I wonder if any one has experienced a good result when delivering their parent to their "new home". When he sees that we have taken his things and made this his place, he'll feel tricked and abandoned. What ideas have worked for you?
The care home was tiny (private) house and she thought it was a bed and breakfast.
What I mean by this is that if the dementia is very bad he may adapt better than you think.
And if the dementia is not bad at all he will be angry, but will understand there is no choice, and may adapt. (As my brother said: "It's a bit like being young and in the army; I don't like it but I make the best of it")
If however the dementia is come and go, better and worse, middle stages and all over the place with good and bad days I think this will be very tough indeed.
The place may suggest no one visit for a week. This will be tough as well. I think it is touch and go with that but they have found over time this sometimes works best.
I am so sorry. This is so tragic. I don't see what else you can do for if care of him kills your Mom where is he then?
For me, I waited to crisis to happen. Mom then went to the hospital and the doctor said she could no longer live alone. I already been looking into MC place and found one near me. I moved mom's bedroom and few other belongings into her apt. Lots of her pictures, favorite chair and TV.
I moved mom from the hospital to MC. The transition from the car into the MC was challenging and traumatic, but it had to be done. Now she is active and has a new friend, and well taken care of.
We put his recliner, bedding, phone, and his hats on the wall so that he feels like its his home. It has worked so far. Oh he still thinks sometime he will get out of there but it won't happen. He sometimes calls it his apartment.
The best thing we did for him. Other wise it was watching RING cameras to see what he was doing 24/7. He does get agitated but they have meds on hand that helps relax him.
Prayers that you can safely put him somewhere.
With time and patience, and perhaps medication as needed to manage stress, he will adjust as best as possible. And he will forget and be more present with who is around him.
My client, in memory care, has excellent relationships with the care providers (either aides or CNAs).
Visit as often as you can. Although most care facilities will say to NO visit to allow parent / loved one 'to adjust.' That is a personal call.
IMPORTANT: have his furniture, pictures on the walls that he will recognize (as best he could/might) to make his room 'look like home.'
He will feel as he feels and you can do so much to support him, and your mom. Change is hard for everyone, esp when aging, disability / dementia is involved. It is a very sad time and giving him space to vent is important. Let him get out his anger and whatever else he feels / expresses. You do not need to react to it. It is best if you encourage it - so he knows he is heard and he gets his feelings out. It will give him a (small) sense of personal empowerment - to feel respected and heard - by you.
Do not go into stories ... of where he is.
As necessary, say it is temporary for 'tests' - then change the subject.
Do not try to convince him of anything. There is no logic here when talking to a person with dementia. Instead, do active, reflective listening. "I hear you. You are feeling xxx" then stop. Hold his hand, give him some non-verbal comfort. Just be with him where he is.
Gena / Touch Matters
She started having severe falls because of the drugs. The people in these places do NOT care about your loved ones and will lie to you to make it sound like everything is ok. She went into the nursing home able to walk and talk and still give the most wonderful hugs. What they did to her was despicable.
Find help in the home.
My brother, with dx. of probable early Lewy's dementia made the choice for himself. His diagnosis made him hurry me in to take on bills, POA and Trustee of his Trust, but he loved his last little home, and his neighbors kept showing up saying "Stay home long as you can; we will help". I lived at the other end of the state and he was a SOCAL boy, not leaving it.
At first he tried. But he could no longer drive. He knew his balance was terrible, hated depending on neighbors and knew they would soon tire of him. And he knew he would soon need ALF to go on to MC if his Lewy's progressed. So he made the hard decision himself and we sold his last little place. He was always responsible. To the very end.
Until his death from Sepsis he did nothing but get better in his ALF. He went to movies, chatted with his cottage mates, cut roses for the tables, enjoyed the beautiful grounds, and he rested and relaxed free of worry, free of bills paying. He said that for him it was much like when he was young and went into the army. Everything was all arranged and he didn't necessarily love it all, but made the best of it all.
Our loved ones are such individuals. And even when they aren't the persons we "knew" they still are individuals as unique as their own thumbprints.
However, everyone is different and sometime you have to do what is best for you. If he is angry now that may not change But you and your sweet mother will get some relief. What is the difference between him being angry with you are with someone else? Take care of yourself and your mother.
Blessings to you all.
Make the room his own. You can say it is "for now" if you think that better. For now while.. Mom gets over her 'cold' or... something.
When volunteering, I met some amazing people. One lovely lady was no longer able to manage her DH's much worsening Parkinson's symptoms at home. He had not long arrived to MC. His recliner was moved into the MC lounge & photos/personal items placed in his room. His wife would come & watch TV with him in the evenings, as per their normal routine, then say she was off to bed (& leave). Staff said he initially was distressed & looked for her but then got used to his new environment. Seemed to feel safe. No longer wanted to leave.
I wish you all the very best for this hard transistion.
Before we got to that point she fell at home getting out of her bed at night & broke her hip. We were in the process of interviewing LTC facilities when she passed away in her sleep at rehab.
Perhaps first talk to your dad’s doc about meds for agitation/mood before he goes to MC. He probably will never be happy about it but you tell him he can come home when he can perform his ADLs for the doctor. Then you’re not the bad guy. I wish him a peaceful transition, with realistic expectations.
1. found the right place
2. hired persons to move familiar furniture/furnishings in to said place having them place items in similar set up as home. Placing chair in a similar spot according to tv, bed in a similar direction when entering the room etc.
3. coordinated with hired persons and staff which day it would be
4. took mother on a day trip ride with lunch and something easy to do
5 returned "home" stating "great to be home. I'm so glad to be home. This is so comfortable to be home"
Hope this helps -blessings to you
in terms of “tricks”, the room had all of her things. I even had the same bedspread, pictures and personal items that were in my home. I tried to make it so familiar that it would make her less frightened. I hung many pictures and put the names of each person on the frame so she could see them and know who they were.
It is not easy. I wish you the best during this difficult time.