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How old is your Mom? Mine is 95 and although I will miss her once she passes, no one gets to stay here forever. Her sister, my Aunt, is 105 and wants to go very badly. I'm glad your Mom is also your best friend. Mine was never that, and it's ok since I have other excellent friends that I cultivated over the years. This is now what you will need to do. I wish you peace in your heart on this journey.
Unfortunately there are no miracles when it comes to our aging and eventual passing. We would all live very long, healthy lives if there were. My mother was also my dear, beloved friend and her passing left a hole in my heart. But that’s the circle of life. You may benefit from grief counseling as your mother progresses through her final stages of life. I wish you peace.
It's selfish to wish your mother with dementia would continue to live like this! As a Christian, you should take solace in the fact of an afterlife and know your mom will be FREE of her limitations once she passes.
I once spoke to a deacon in the Catholic church who told me he prayed daily for his mother with dementia to die and to be with God. That very day I began the same prayer for my mother who was also out of her mind with dementia and begging to see her deceased mother, father and siblings. It was horrible to witness her decline.
We all love our mothers, and with that in mind, we should want to see their misery come to an end. Pray for THAT miracle to happen rather than an impossible and awful one to take place instead. Let mom eat whatever she wants and get some enjoyment during her end of life journey.
Rely on your faith now and know that God is with you and mom now and always.
I lost my mom at age 99, even at that great age and her battles with dementia and frailty it was too soon. And yet at the same time when our minister started talking about her reaching her 100th birthday I told him no, please God NO 🤗
My much loved MIL died age 99 years and 9 months. I had the same experience of several people saying 'what a pity she didn't live to 100', and me saying NO. She died in the NH in the night, and I drove down from the farm smiling and saying 'she's FREE'.
My mother is the center of my life as I'm her caregiver and she is the center of my family as I'm an only without a significant other or children. When she passes, I will quite alone and utterly and absolutely devastated; however, even so, you don't want her to live with the scourge that is dementia. She may experience fear, anxiety, dissociation, loss of the abilities to move, feed herself, even toilet herself. Let God take her when it's her time. Don't wish for an extended stay.
You mean all Christians don't believe in miracles? I, personally, have witnessed many, so it baffles me that a professing Christian would not believe in them.
I would encourage you to pray for strength, peace and wisdom for your situation.
As far as wanting mom to NOT die, do you say this because she isn't a believer? If she is, please be very mindful of what you wish for her, dieing isn't the worse thing that could happen.
You are still grieving the loss of your dad, and now your mom isn't doing well. I am so sorry for what you're going through, but as a Christian you know that God will never leave you nor forsake you, and He will give you the courage and strength to deal with whatever lies ahead. You know it's not uncommon at all when one spouse dies that the other spouse dies shortly after, especially if they've been married a long time. But if your parents too are Christians then you know that they are in a much better place or are going to a much better place, so that should hopefully bring you some comfort. I would recommend that you seek out some grief counseling to help you walk through this difficult journey. If your dad was under hospice care, they offer grief counseling for free for family members for a year, so please take advantage of that. There is no reversing dementia, and it will only get worse, so I would just make sure that your mom is eating whatever she wants and you just need to enjoy whatever time you may have left with her. Death as you know is part of life, and you have nothing to feel guilty about. What you're feeling is grief instead and that is understandable, as you recently lost your dad and you know that you're slowly but surely losing your mom. And to answer your question...Yes I still believe in miracles, and have seen many. However sometimes our miracles don't happen on this side of heaven. I pray that God will give you His strength, peace, rest, and comfort as you walk this very difficult journey with your mom.
Guilt isn't appropriate. You are not a felon, but a loving daughter. You did not cause this sadness and grief and you cannot fix it and guilt requires both. So guilt is off the table. Now we are in the realm of the other g-word which is grief. That is normal and is to be expected and accepted and to be melded to celebration of long lives well lives, and an end to suffering. There are many grief groups if you require them, or a private therapist to help you give voice to feelings. Enjoy the days you have. It would be a shame to waste them sunk into grief which will come to us ALL quickly enough. It does a parent no honor to think we are left LESS for having had their life-long love. It does them honor to give thanks and appreciation and to pay back all of life for the gift of them.
If there are miracles then they lie in the realm of the gods, not in our own abilities. It is a sort of hubris to think that we could make a miracle that precludes loss when the world is made by any god of creation to INCLUDE it.
I definitely believe in miracles and hope you’ll have faith to see that your parent’s have both been blessed with long lives, your father has peace now, and your mother needs and deserves this same peace. I certainly didn’t want to lose my parents either, but considering their torment with medical conditions that had no cure, it would have been selfish of me to expect them to stay on this earth when they longed to leave. Your guilt is misplaced, you’ve done nothing wrong, this is the normal and inevitable cycle of life coming to each of us. Please give yourself the gift of acceptance. Don’t badger your mother about food, simply hold her hand, and enjoy her company as you can. I wish you both peace
Sorry you are going thru this but there is no miracle when the brain is dying. No special diet or pill will stop or reverse the effects of Dementia. My Mom passed at 89. Her Dementia journey covered about 6 years. The last year she declined fast. I prayed that she would be taken home. She knew she would be going to a better place. I lost my Mom long before her passing.
Why do you feel guilty. You did not cause her dementia. We all do our best and may fall short but we did enough. Yes, we may have lost patience but most of us are doing jobs we are not equipped for and with no help. We are all mortal. We are all going to pass. Its called life.
I think you should talk to your minister. If Mom is on Hospice, they should have a minister affilated with them. Also, grief counceling.
I am Christian and do believe in miracles but what you are praying for will not make you feel any less distraught. My mother passed away exactly 4 months ago and I miss her so very much. She was really only in the throes of dementia for the final 6 months of her life but I would never wish that on anyone or their family members. My mom caught mild COVID in early November but ended up with severe Covid delirium. By the end of November, she had done a deep dive into dementia and lost her ability to walk, was incontinent and had difficulty swallowing. She remained in a complex medical setting until the middle of February and once the hospital staff had determined she was not improving and nothing more could be done, she was placed in a nursing home. I spent every day with her and some days she appeared fairly lucid and other days, she struggled to remember my name. She was never aware that she couldn’t walk anymore and so when she told me she had been out walking or swimming she truly believed it. I praise God for this. She never fully realized how incapacitated she was. I cried every night driving home from either the hospital or the nursing home and my prayers as I drove home and before I went to bed were to “Please God, end my mother and my family’s suffering”. My prayers were answered on Good Friday. My mom went by ambulance to the hospital and she suffered a brain seizure. By Easter Sunday, she was placed in Palliative Care and on the following Friday, she died. I mourn the passing of my mom and I felt some “guilt” for asking God to end all of our suffering but since reading the forum discussions here, I realize two very important facts: 1.) it’s not guilt I feel, it is grief and 2.) I am very blessed for both having my mom as my mom and for God so kindly and lovingly answering my prayers. I am truly sorry for so many on this forum who have dealt with a loved one’s dementia for several years. It is a devastating experience to observe/live. I wish peace for you as you continue along this journey with your mom. God bless everyone on this forum! “There go I but for the Grace of God”.
That being said - sometimes the miracle can't or doesn't happen here on Earth. God has blessed us with so many doctors and so much knowledge on how to heal the human body. But there are still some things that we cannot fix here on Earth. Sometimes the only freedom from disease is to pass to God's hands and enjoy that new body and complete healing.
I know how hard that is. My dad passed 7 years ago and he had a "curable" cancer. The problem - the "cure" was so bad that his quality of life would have dropped to almost nothing - and 'if" it worked it could have been several years of living in excruciating, unending pain - to get maybe a 1/3 of his quality of life back. My dad made the choice that he didn't want to continue suffering even more than he already was - just for possibility of some improvement and continuing to suffer more the rest of his life. The doctors gave him a year. He was with us less than 3 months. But that 3 months was peaceful, his pain was managed, and we all got to spend time with him - letting him know how much he was loved.
Losing someone you love is hard. My grandmother has stopped eating and drinking much lately. We can see what's coming. She doesn't want to eat. We can't force her. So the inevitable is coming.
You are grieving. It often feels like guilt - but you have nothing to feel guilty about. The human body has so very much capacity. But it has its limits. Doctors had learned how to cure so many physical ailments. But the brain is new territory and there is little to be done to fix dementia. As dementia progresses - it gets harder for the person it impacts. But also for those around them.
I think sometimes our body's know before our brains do. And sometimes for those of us watching - we think we can hold death off. But sometimes reassuring the person that they are loved, that we will be ok without them, is the best way to ease their pain.
I hate to break it to you but your mom is going to die. As a Christian you know that part of living is dying and you live the best life that you can so that you CAN reach Heaven. Rather than guilt you feel sadness, grief, remorse and all the other emotions that go with life. But guilt is not or should not be one of them. Obviously your mom did a very good job raising you and she was a good mom. (I read so many posts here and not everyone is so lucky, YOU can thank God for that) Your mom will always be with you. She will be that voice in the back of your head when you wonder what to do. She will be with you when you fix "her" stuffing at the next holiday. Tell your mom thank you for everything she has done for you and taught you and tell her that you will miss her. And tell her it is ok to go "home". As a Christian you know that is what we are put here on earth for.
I remember very clearly sitting next to my Husbands bed about the week he died. I sat often with him and talked and I told him I would be alright and I was crying. Then it suddenly hit me. My tears were selfish ones. I was going to lose him... I was the one being left... I was sad.... It was all ME, ME, ME... He had been surviving, I do not want to say living because dementia is no way to live, for 12 years. This is not the smiling, happy, intelligent man I met and married so many years ago. This was a shell. He would not have wanted to live this way if he had had a choice. That thought changed my way of thinking. Oh it hurt when he died. I thought I was prepared but it felt as though someone had ripped my heart from my chest. He was free. Let your mom go free. 🙏🙏
I have to add this...If you do not have Hospice helping you now please call one and get mom on Hospice you will get support that you will need.
Grandma1954, I do hope that you know that getting to heaven has absolutely nothing with living "the best life you can so that you CAN reach Heaven" but is instead about accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. John 14:6 says....Jesus said, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me." And Romans 10: 9-10 says... "If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For it with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved." NO WHERE in the Bible does it say that you can only get to heaven if you are good enough. as we are not perfect thus we will never be good enough. Instead it says in Ephesians 2: 8-9 " For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith, and this is not from yourselves, it is a gift of God, NOT BY WORKS,(my emphasis added) so that no one can boast."
You may think we have been a little harsh here. But you will get thru this so much better if your except that Mom will not be with you much longer. Pray not to keep her with you but to release her from this horrible desease. Give her peace. She will be whole again. No pain, no Dementia. Allow your faith to get you thru.
As an atheist myself I don't believe in miracles, but I think that were I a Christian I would accept that "to everything there is a season....". If you are Christian then you would believe that your loved one will go to "heaven", and to peace, comfort, and an end to suffering I would hope. And I would hope that would comfort you as you celebrated a long life and much love, and moved on with the sort of life your loved ones would wish for you.
Just my humble opinion, and I am so sorry for your grief.
Make sure Mom gets plenty of hydration (water). The Mind diet is good and if she will eat some fish that is great. Ultimately calories are important so don't be too strict with the Mind diet at this point.
Mom suffered from dementia for about 20 years. For breakfast every morning she got 1 or 2 eggs, bacon or gluten free sausage, gluten free toast with butter and a little jam and fruit with blueberries. She didn't eat much for dinner but her breakfasts were hearty.
"The MIND (Mediterranean–DASH Intervention for Neurodegenerative Delay) diet is a combination of the Mediterranean and DASH (Dietary Approaches to Stop Hypertension) diets. The diet is based on 10 healthy food groups and 5 unhealthy food groups, and some research suggests it may help reduce the risk of Alzheimer's disease and slow cognitive decline"
This diet is to help reduce the risk. Once Dementia sets in, the progression is not going to be stopped. At a point in Dementia, even cognitive helping pills don't work. You have a healthier person but a brain that is dying.
Please come to terms with the fact that we all die. It's so very sad when our parents are fading away but we have to accept it and enjoy what little time we have left with them. It's OK. No matter what you do, you will not be able to extend her life. You have nothing to be guilty about. Love her and love yourself.
Get some Hobbies Like gardening or a gentle dog . Find a therapist or support group . Your Dad Just Passed there are Grief counselors . people with Dementia can Live a Long time . Try to Make some friends even If it is a farmers market, art class or a Hiking group Meet up .com has social activities .Sorry for the Loss of your Dad .
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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I once spoke to a deacon in the Catholic church who told me he prayed daily for his mother with dementia to die and to be with God. That very day I began the same prayer for my mother who was also out of her mind with dementia and begging to see her deceased mother, father and siblings. It was horrible to witness her decline.
We all love our mothers, and with that in mind, we should want to see their misery come to an end. Pray for THAT miracle to happen rather than an impossible and awful one to take place instead. Let mom eat whatever she wants and get some enjoyment during her end of life journey.
Rely on your faith now and know that God is with you and mom now and always.
Like already said, you are grieving over your father’s death and your mother’s changes . Grief counseling may help you .
Just keep Mom comfortable rather than trying to save her . Let her eat what and when she wants . This is what is best for her .
I would encourage you to pray for strength, peace and wisdom for your situation.
As far as wanting mom to NOT die, do you say this because she isn't a believer? If she is, please be very mindful of what you wish for her, dieing isn't the worse thing that could happen.
I am so sorry for what you're going through, but as a Christian you know that God will never leave you nor forsake you, and He will give you the courage and strength to deal with whatever lies ahead.
You know it's not uncommon at all when one spouse dies that the other spouse dies shortly after, especially if they've been married a long time.
But if your parents too are Christians then you know that they are in a much better place or are going to a much better place, so that should hopefully bring you some comfort.
I would recommend that you seek out some grief counseling to help you walk through this difficult journey.
If your dad was under hospice care, they offer grief counseling for free for family members for a year, so please take advantage of that.
There is no reversing dementia, and it will only get worse, so I would just make sure that your mom is eating whatever she wants and you just need to enjoy whatever time you may have left with her.
Death as you know is part of life, and you have nothing to feel guilty about. What you're feeling is grief instead and that is understandable, as you recently lost your dad and you know that you're slowly but surely losing your mom.
And to answer your question...Yes I still believe in miracles, and have seen many.
However sometimes our miracles don't happen on this side of heaven.
I pray that God will give you His strength, peace, rest, and comfort as you walk this very difficult journey with your mom.
Now we are in the realm of the other g-word which is grief. That is normal and is to be expected and accepted and to be melded to celebration of long lives well lives, and an end to suffering.
There are many grief groups if you require them, or a private therapist to help you give voice to feelings.
Enjoy the days you have. It would be a shame to waste them sunk into grief which will come to us ALL quickly enough. It does a parent no honor to think we are left LESS for having had their life-long love. It does them honor to give thanks and appreciation and to pay back all of life for the gift of them.
If there are miracles then they lie in the realm of the gods, not in our own abilities. It is a sort of hubris to think that we could make a miracle that precludes loss when the world is made by any god of creation to INCLUDE it.
If an adult, reach out via your faith leader for grief & life councelling.
Why do you feel guilty. You did not cause her dementia. We all do our best and may fall short but we did enough. Yes, we may have lost patience but most of us are doing jobs we are not equipped for and with no help. We are all mortal. We are all going to pass. Its called life.
I think you should talk to your minister. If Mom is on Hospice, they should have a minister affilated with them. Also, grief counceling.
She was really only in the throes of dementia for the final 6 months of her life but I would never wish that on anyone or their family members. My mom caught mild COVID in early November but ended up with severe Covid delirium. By the end of November, she had done a deep dive into dementia and lost her ability to walk, was incontinent and had difficulty swallowing. She remained in a complex medical setting until the middle of February and once the hospital staff had determined she was not improving and nothing more could be done, she was placed in a nursing home. I spent every day with her and some days she appeared fairly lucid and other days, she struggled to remember my name. She was never aware that she couldn’t walk anymore and so when she told me she had been out walking or swimming she truly believed it. I praise God for this. She never fully realized how incapacitated she was.
I cried every night driving home from either the hospital or the nursing home and my prayers as I drove home and before I went to bed were to “Please God, end my mother and my family’s suffering”. My prayers were answered on Good Friday. My mom went by ambulance to the hospital and she suffered a brain seizure. By Easter Sunday, she was placed in Palliative Care and on the following Friday, she died.
I mourn the passing of my mom and I felt some “guilt” for asking God to end all of our suffering but since reading the forum discussions here, I realize two very important facts: 1.) it’s not guilt I feel, it is grief and 2.) I am very blessed for both having my mom as my mom and for God so kindly and lovingly answering my prayers.
I am truly sorry for so many on this forum who have dealt with a loved one’s dementia for several years. It is a devastating experience to observe/live.
I wish peace for you as you continue along this journey with your mom. God bless everyone on this forum! “There go I but for the Grace of God”.
That being said - sometimes the miracle can't or doesn't happen here on Earth. God has blessed us with so many doctors and so much knowledge on how to heal the human body. But there are still some things that we cannot fix here on Earth. Sometimes the only freedom from disease is to pass to God's hands and enjoy that new body and complete healing.
I know how hard that is. My dad passed 7 years ago and he had a "curable" cancer. The problem - the "cure" was so bad that his quality of life would have dropped to almost nothing - and 'if" it worked it could have been several years of living in excruciating, unending pain - to get maybe a 1/3 of his quality of life back. My dad made the choice that he didn't want to continue suffering even more than he already was - just for possibility of some improvement and continuing to suffer more the rest of his life. The doctors gave him a year. He was with us less than 3 months. But that 3 months was peaceful, his pain was managed, and we all got to spend time with him - letting him know how much he was loved.
Losing someone you love is hard. My grandmother has stopped eating and drinking much lately. We can see what's coming. She doesn't want to eat. We can't force her. So the inevitable is coming.
You are grieving. It often feels like guilt - but you have nothing to feel guilty about. The human body has so very much capacity. But it has its limits. Doctors had learned how to cure so many physical ailments. But the brain is new territory and there is little to be done to fix dementia. As dementia progresses - it gets harder for the person it impacts. But also for those around them.
I think sometimes our body's know before our brains do. And sometimes for those of us watching - we think we can hold death off. But sometimes reassuring the person that they are loved, that we will be ok without them, is the best way to ease their pain.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
As a Christian you know that part of living is dying and you live the best life that you can so that you CAN reach Heaven.
Rather than guilt you feel sadness, grief, remorse and all the other emotions that go with life. But guilt is not or should not be one of them.
Obviously your mom did a very good job raising you and she was a good mom. (I read so many posts here and not everyone is so lucky, YOU can thank God for that)
Your mom will always be with you. She will be that voice in the back of your head when you wonder what to do.
She will be with you when you fix "her" stuffing at the next holiday.
Tell your mom thank you for everything she has done for you and taught you and tell her that you will miss her. And tell her it is ok to go "home". As a Christian you know that is what we are put here on earth for.
I remember very clearly sitting next to my Husbands bed about the week he died.
I sat often with him and talked and I told him I would be alright and I was crying. Then it suddenly hit me.
My tears were selfish ones.
I was going to lose him...
I was the one being left...
I was sad....
It was all ME, ME, ME...
He had been surviving, I do not want to say living because dementia is no way to live, for 12 years. This is not the smiling, happy, intelligent man I met and married so many years ago. This was a shell. He would not have wanted to live this way if he had had a choice.
That thought changed my way of thinking.
Oh it hurt when he died. I thought I was prepared but it felt as though someone had ripped my heart from my chest.
He was free.
Let your mom go free.
🙏🙏
I have to add this...If you do not have Hospice helping you now please call one and get mom on Hospice you will get support that you will need.
John 14:6 says....Jesus said, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."
And Romans 10: 9-10 says... "If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For it with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved."
NO WHERE in the Bible does it say that you can only get to heaven if you are good enough. as we are not perfect thus we will never be good enough.
Instead it says in Ephesians 2: 8-9 " For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith, and this is not from yourselves, it is a gift of God, NOT BY WORKS,(my emphasis added) so that no one can boast."
Accept reality.
Just my humble opinion, and I am so sorry for your grief.
Make sure Mom gets plenty of hydration (water). The Mind diet is good and if she will eat some fish that is great. Ultimately calories are important so don't be too strict with the Mind diet at this point.
Mom suffered from dementia for about 20 years. For breakfast every morning she got 1 or 2 eggs, bacon or gluten free sausage, gluten free toast with butter and a little jam and fruit with blueberries. She didn't eat much for dinner but her breakfasts were hearty.
This diet is to help reduce the risk. Once Dementia sets in, the progression is not going to be stopped. At a point in Dementia, even cognitive helping pills don't work. You have a healthier person but a brain that is dying.