Anyone else commission a custom 'companion urn' for the cremains of both parents, one that will be kept in the home and not interred?
My parents had a passion for beautifully crafted wooden items, furniture and art pieces and were particularly fond of dark walnut.
I searched many sites for a unique urn and finally found a wood craftsman / artist in TN who makes some custom orders. They're beautiful, graceful vessel forms with sealable tops with finials, most with different woods incorporated into the pieces. Absolutely beautiful.
I reached out to this solo artist studio and the piece is now 'in the rough' and drying for a few months before completion. It's from solid walnut, a branching part of a tree with some burl action in the grain. He has a lightning-struck oak tree that's of interest as are woods from Hawaii, my parents' favorite vacation place. And since they retired to the SW, I'm also requesting the inclusion of turquoise; he uses chips or powder in resin to fill voids in the wood and will place a piece under the finial top of the lid, unseen once closed. All hand-polished to a smoothly finished shine.
Mom will be with us for awhile yet, we hope, and I'm discussing the urn with her. She's pleased with examples of his works and understands our intent to honor them both and keep them near us, until some day when we can travel to HI and do a ceremony to place their ashes in the ocean off their and our favorite island.
We couldn't hold a memorial for dad due to his adult 'kids' anger and dysfunction. Even after 42 years of marriage, they couldn't embrace their happiness and were so estranged that the young-adult grandkids on his side never knew the wonderful, huge-hearted man that he was, and they never knew mom at all. My surviving sib is toxic and we don't wish to have any of them at the eventual memorial service for mom & dad. My little tribe will likely be the only attendees, along with a few close friends; no other family will be informed. Not a one has reached out in the 2 plus years since dad's passing. We don't wish to invite mayhem into honoring these beloved parents, grandparents and great grandparents.
The anger in his family deepened when I released the Will; it revealed that only my daughter and I received personal bequests. I can't undo the estrangements. They wouldn't help me with the obituary and were then critical of my having done it, and they then tried to guilt me for my agonized MPOA decisions in taking dad off life support from Covid. I followed his wishes and it was his guidance that gave me the strength to do so. I involved everyone, arranged Zoom calls and all, but the decision was mine alone to make, based on dad's clear wishes.
The few of us that make up our close family unit will be relieved to have the much-needed closure of a memorial service and I'll be so relieved to finally have dad's cremains out of the temporary container and then have both of my parents at rest, nestled inside this beautiful urn.
Many more people are now choosing cremation and I wonder how others have handled the cremains and also the whole quagmire of estranged family members and the avoidance of negativity in final remembrance.
Those whom I could've once regarded as step-siblings were only angry and have provided no support whatsoever. I've never received any response to my heart-felt communications, they only wanted to see his Will. I hope that they also read his 'Letter to Family' and finally understood how very much he loved all of us.
Am I right to exclude his blood family and keep the memorial small and private, according to mom's stated wishes as well? This feels right and I believe that the 42 years of pictures would only deepen wounds, some that we'll make into a slideshow tribute, accompanied by some of their favorite music, and we'll include pictures of most all family members.
Since we all embraced and honored dad's Native heritage, I'll bring in a traditional hand drummer for 'Sending On' songs. They'd flip over this, not understanding.
Come that time, we want a peaceful final honoring of these two dearly beloved folks.
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Many families become intensely immersed in details that quickly become less than “peaceful”.
Might it be better to wait for mom to pass before the detailed preparations begin? Some people aren’t as pleased with this type of discussion as others.
A quick family story- my dad passed in 1985. My mom bought a headstone and had it engraved with Dad’s name and hers, the dates of his death and “19” beneath her name, since she was quite positive that she’d be joining Dad Within the next 15 years.
But she DIDN’T. So I had to get the stone re-cut when she passed at 95. Morale- some preplanning is fine, but too much preplanning can get tricky.
‘’My sympathy to you and yours in your loss of your dad.
My eldest granddaughter and I share a special bond, we just click that way. I did with my Grandma too. It took years before I ceased thinking of phoning her tell her of even the little things in life, like a batch of her recipe apple jelly turned out so well. I was inconsolable with her loss and am subtlety preparing my granddaughters (and will be with my soon-to-arrive grandson) for my own departure one day. It's such an honor to be able to pass along my love and a bit of wisdom to my beloved Grands. They rule my heart!
The urn that is being designed for your parents sounds beautiful. Just make sure it is regulation size in case over the years wishes change. One never knows years down the road if one will be able to go to Hawaii to the ocean. An urn box [columbarium] at a cemetery may be decided, so the size would need to fit the box.
As for a memorial, it should be what ever makes you comfortable. And a lot could change if the memorial is far into the future.
Me, I so would not want the hassle of dealing with your half siblings or the toxic full one. Since the former never seemed to except you as a sibling, just wanted to reap the rewards, I would say nothing. You go to HI when you can and spread those ashes. Your full sibling I may make aware. A trip to HI is not cheap so full sibling may not come anyway. The older siblings didn't bother with Dad before he died, I doubt will care after his death. They just wanted what they thought they deserved. Go with Moms wishes. Have her put them in writing so no one can say this is all ur idea. Have it notarized.
A private funeral is so much nicer because you can have likeminded people there and don't have to include the disrespectful, the unkind, the curiosity seekers, or the drama queens.
One of the strangest things ever was at my brother-in-law's funeral years ago. He died unexpectedly in an accident at 49, and since he was well-known and respected in the community, the church service was overflowing into the parking lot. At the gravesite, there was a short service with many of the same crowd there, at which time a woman who had been sobbing in the background rushed to the coffin while spewing passionate words and attempted to throw herself on it. (She was stopped by a funeral attendant, who led her away.) I figured she was one of the mourners that I didn't know - but who would do this? We found out later that she was a cemetery regular who invited herself to whatever funeral was going on, and this was her usual behavior. The cemetery people couldn't stop her because she wasn't breaking any laws, but she was thought to have a mental problem. It upset the family terribly, especially his children. After that, I'm in favor of funerals being as private as possible!
Oddly, my NPD toxic sib, the soul-dead 'Golden Child ' in our dysfunctional family system, was unable to grieve the sudden, tragic loss of her youngest daughter. For several months after, she attended the funerals of any young people she could find listed in the city paper; they were all total strangers. I think she was observing the parent(s) and trying to find some way to reach her feelings in efforts to grieve or be able to appear to. She finally got involved in Compassionate Friends and channeled this in a more healthy manner. To my knowledge, that's the only self-work she's ever done and has, instead, turned to drink and bitterness.
One among many reasons to keep it small and private.
I approached him about making Dh and my columbarium's. (Separate ones).
They are absolutely gorgeous and I have them stored in a closet, clearly marked. We will have them placed in a niche in a cemetery where many of my DH's family are buried.
We did pay my friend, but he would only take $200 for both columbarium's. One less thing for my kids to worry about.
We have also asked for them to have a little granite bench made that will reside near the niches. Just our names and a poem of some kind.
Our kids have had no 'issues' between them so far (since they all became adults, that is) and I hope and pray they continue down that path.
Cremation is no longer this 'how horrible!' a thing to do. My kids were initially not happy about it, but the daughter who is our executor, is a calm,, pretty flat-lined person, emotionally. She will handle this just fine. Not one of the kids feel comfortable in 'displaying' our urns, so we ruled that out in our will.
I do not expect any of my kids to keep out ashes. That is asking a little too much, in our case. Many people do keep the ashes in their home and that's fine, whatever works best for your family.
I do kind of wish the columbarium's would be displayed for a bit, but when we first got them, just having them in the living room kind of upset a couple of the grands and so I boxed them. If I could have gotten permission to scatter our ashes along one of our favorite hiking trails, I would have. But it's a against the law and we think being the 'family' cemetery will be a find second choice.
The urn is being made to the exact capacity needed, with some additional cubic inches to allow for two separate bags. I can't wait to see it once completed.
My grandkids, their great grands, knew Dad and have an ongoing relationship with Mom; they share(d) bonds of deep love with The Grandparents. I wouldn't expect them to take on the urn, but my daughter certainly will. I was married to a high-end, gallery clay artist and have quite a collection of works from various artisans, many that we had traded for and a few from my parents' home. The urn will fit into our eclectic home decor and like the swans piece, will stand as a piece of art.
When my brother passed at age 45, his widow and daughter (with whom we are close) had a primary brass urn and several smaller ones for immediate family and that ocean-themed urn has pride of place in our home. With Dad's cremains, I ordered three beautifully-crafted silver and stone hearts that I filled and are worn as necklaces. Mom's is on a stout silver chain and she wears it all the time, never has taken it off and she is comforted by having part of her beloved husband resting over her heart.
We're very comfortable discussing all of this and while Mom is in advancing dementia, she seems relieved to know the plans for their being together again, eventually. Mom may be around for a few more years, one never knows.
Thank you for the idea of hiring a company for the eventual spreading of the ashes; as much as I'd love a 3rd trip to HI, it's likely not feasible, sans my bro's family helping out; his widow owns a condo there. It's far into the future and all plans, apart from keeping the memorial private and a few other details, are fluid.
I truly appreciate the affirmation of keeping things peaceful and excluding the negators. My brother's service in 2000 was a mess because part of my family had secretly begun a probate challenge of his will and I never want a repeat of such dynamics; it's going to be hard enough.