My dad's house is in horrible shape. And he doesn't see it. It's in disrepair inside and out. I've tried to help as much as I can, but it always ends up in a big argument. I used to go clean when I knew he was away from home...he wouldn't even notice. Now he's hardly ever away from home and I can't "sneak in" and clean while he's away. I've offered to clean and he says no because it gives him something to do...but then when I go over again, nothing has been cleaned. When I do clean it only last a day or two IF that! What can I do? Nobody gets along with him because he "knows it all." I'm at a breaking point and today is the day I go over to his house. My stomach is already in knots.
Is your father suffering from immobility, or is it merely his decision not to leave his house very much.
Is your father dependent on your for care?
How old is your Dad? Can he do his own shopping and cooking and is he mentally incompetent.
Is this unclean living condition new? Is there hoarding issues here?
So many questions.
I myself would not be involved with a non-cooperative senior who wishes to live in these conditions. I would be certain they had emergency number for care should they require it, and move on with my life. It is seriously difficult to do POA and Trustee and Guardian job for a COOPERATIVE adult, but for one who is not cooperative it is impossible.
Were conditions such that my father was living demented, unsafe, in danger, I would call the APS and ask for wellness check. If they contacted me to do POA or guardianship I would ask that the state take guardianship. Do know that if you do this you do not have a say in placement, in where or when, in assets management, and etc. The State does.
If competent I would leave Dad to manage, take him to lunch or coffee if he wished to go, and would bow out.
If incompetent I would put this in the hands of APS and trust the outcome to them.
As you have already observed, there is truly NOTHING you can accomplish here other than to upset both HIM and YOU.
If you want to take out the trash or put away groceries, fine, but don't talk about that either. And DON'T throw out anything without asking his permission. *
How often do you visit?
When someone says he'll do it himself or she'll do it later, it means one of two things. 1 - they can't bear the fuss and kerfuffle, the noise of the vacuum, the general bustle; it's stressful and it makes their head ache. 2 - they may or may not recognise that they can't do it themselves, but either way all the same they don't believe anyone else will do it properly, and "if a job's worth doing..."
When you say "disrepair," could you give half a dozen examples? What issues and risks are we talking about, here?
*To clarify - if HE has already put something in the trash, it is fine to take it out because he has implied his consent by placing it there. But say there's a milk carton on the verge of detonation in the fridge door, and nobody in the world would consider it viable as a foodstuff, it still isn't okay to ditch it without asking.
When I say "disrepair" I'm talking about cracks in the walls, soiled carpet, trees that need trimmed, etc. Things he won't let me hire anyone to take care of because he doesn't see the need to spend the money (his money that he has plenty of). I take care of his bills, banking, etc.
People are very, very sensitive about their possessions and their home and their routines sometimes, and you meddle at your own risk.
My dH just started vacuuming one day, the couches, the pet fur. No one stopped him. Lol.
Other times, we were told that we had done enough, and we should go home.
This was just prior to my loved one being taken out of his home, his wife in the hospital.
I would never be able to do this again. Extended family fought it all the way, saying there was nothing wrong.
While the name implies that it is for children only, it goes above and beyond that. It is a small attempt from me (one that has lived with generations of hardcore hoarders), to you (learning to deal with a LO's illness) so that you may find peace stepping away.
Clean the carpets, bathroom and minimize everything. Only thing is you have to hope after all of your hard work they don't revert back to it. They may not even see this or be aware of anything being out of place, that's if that have lived like this for a while.
Clean the windows, plants, air everything out. You need a team of people. Have them pay or it and hire a cleaning woman so things don't revert back to their normal.
Next stop Dollar Store -- Pine Sol, dust mop, dust pan and brush, sponges, you name it. Organize everything and you do a walk-through. Some older men retire and wear the same shirt everyday, especially if there's no woman around.
He needs someone, assuming he lives on his own to set up a system for him and follow up. These things happen especially after a loss. It may be important to him but this could escalate. Get him some plants to care for and trash barrels, etc.
Make it easy for him, hold his hand, sit him down and tell him you love him.
If it isn't that bad, then take an objective look. Has it gotten worse recently or has he always been that way?
What does the outside look like?
As long as you are cleaning for him, he will continue to make a mess and not clean up. You coming over and cleaning behind his back is not a sustainable option. I understand his unwillingness to allow you to clean as cleaning can be an excuse to breach personal barriers.
I like the "hire a cleaning service" once or twice a month. My mom had a cleaning lady that came in once a month, however, my Mom's place really needed cleaning each week. Understand you might have to pay for it. However, if he starts to realize that he really is okay with the service, then he might be willing to pay for it himself.
How about the outside?
She loves her 'stuff' all around her. EVERYTHING she owns has value to her and she gets absolutely despondent when she sees something thrown away. It's not worth her sadness and drama to throw out stuff, so other than the birdcage lining, she throws away pretty much nothing.
IMHO, it's not worth trying to clean to your standards. Mom has a clear walkway and room for her walkers and that's all she cares about. This bugs US, but it doesn't bug HER, so we've just chosen to look the other way.
She would not let anyone clean, even people she hired to help her out, a neighbor who would check on her or even us. We all had to stay in the room so she could see where we were at all times. Believe me I was not interested in stealing any of her stuff because I worked my whole life and had no need to steal her things. She would not throw out any. She even kept dirty paper plates. It all came to a head when it was discovered she had a massive, massive bed bug infection. I had to bring her to my home with just the clothes on her back but that still carried bed bugs to my home . They were in her purse and on her shoes. Luckily we caught this before they spread on my home. We had to dispose of lots of furniture, clothing, etc from her home. We had her house fumigated. Another fallout from this infestation is the company we hired to provide 24 hour care at home refused to come back. I had to take her to my local Kaiser emergency room as she had extreme sepsis infection in both legs from the bed bug bites.
This year as we were cleaning out the house after she died to sell I found lots of dead cockroaches. It was horrible.
I don’t have an answer on how to get your dad to cooperate with letting someone clean up but be sure to watch for these infestations as I have read that is one of the signals of worsening dementia.
At the end of the day, we each want that until the end of our lives.