Anyone else caring for both parents? Dad is 94 had a stroke, mom is 86 barely able to walk, can't remember, disorganized, and basicaly doesn't want to care for dad, just wants me to step in and do it all. I can never do enough, everything they have is literally falling apart, there is simply not enough time in the day to take care of their home and mine, and there is so much junk everywhere. I could and do work all day mowing and raking gumballs and trying to clean and organize sheds and fix floors and walls that are falling down, we have put new floors in the house, new breaker boxes, and it's still needs so much, so I can be about to drop from the heat and work, covered in dirt and sweat, and say I need to sit down and eat and drink some water and cool off, and she will say, wait come here I need you to look at something. So I go to her and it's something else to fix, my God, it never ends. I am so sick of Dr.s and pills, there are so many pills, and everytime she or dad had a slight pain, they have to go to the Dr. and the doc gives more pills, when do we lose the understanding that we are not going to live forever?
Anger, then guilt, anger, then guilt, its a vicious cycle.
Contact a social worker in your area and see if local churches will come and clean out sheds, do minor repairs, etc. There is one church in my area who does this for elderly people ( and more of them need to step up and help those who need help!) My parents will run me ragged too - I just walk off and ignore the complaints. Told them, if you want this done, then hire someone to do it!
Please try to get some help. Burnout is real! Then who takes care of you or them? I know the story of caregiving consuming your entire life.
That is what has happened to you. Caregiving has become your whole identity. Trust me as long as you’re in the middle of it you will be blinded by it.
Step away to get a new perspective. You need a break. You are aware that you need a break or you would not have reached out.
Get help wherever you can get it. Call Council on Aging. Call their house of worship if they belong to one. Some churches have ministries that prepare meals for others when needed. Volunteers that take them to doctor appointments and so forth.
Can they afford to hire outside help? If so, help by arranging to get that started for them.
Listen to others on this forum. Wise people on this site. They helped me in my time of need.
(Sorry to joke a little), but we get hurt by our own compulsions to: do right, finish the job, save the day...ect.
That's been my experience, anyway.
It's ok that you're burning-out, cuz it has to happen sometimes for us to say: 'enough!'
You're not guilty of anything, (but I understand the way we got there). Something drives us to prove we can fix it & fix it quick...right away, & hardly complain. Yeah,...that sucks tho.
Welcome to guilt-free living! From now on, just don't hurry, don't feel responsible, (takes practice), & get ready for a few things to fall apart around you,... while you have a beer.
But seriously...they must be placed ASAP, in a good faculty friend. Best wishes.
So along with everything else above you must have killed someone or something?
Someone named Cindy Laverty wrote an article updated on the site here in August 12, called How a "fix it" mentality Leads to Caregiver Burnout. It was so good. You should find it if you type it into the search above.
This just cannot be made right, and the fact that you are willing to sacrifice your very life to it won't make it good either. Please begin now to discuss with family the necessity of placement for your own health and well being. Join the land of the "inadequate and severely flawed humans" limping along out here doing well as we can, but acknowledging limitations and that we are not Saints.
I never really understand the guilt thing. I just don't. I know my limitations, what I am capable of and what I am not. Yes, I might wish I were a better person, but I do the best I can with what I've got.
Your parents could likely enter ALF together, and have several rooms together. But whatever the circumstances, you owe it to yourself to have a life. This is the only chance you will get for that, you know. I won't even tell the tired old Eagle and Eaglets story again, but the duty of care you have is to your husband, your children. And you owe love and respect to your parents, and providing them the best care you can without sacrificing your own life. If you MUST feel guilty or depressed occassionally then by all means, curl up in the fetal position and allow yourself to mourn all that is unfair in life. Remembering that only the good grieve over tragedy. The narcissists and the psychotic personalities don't are at all.
Now, my dad was difficult and very stubborn. Even though he loved me, he used to latch out verbally. I got emotionally distressed and extremely tired. It was very rough for me telling my dad that he smelled like urine, and he got angry. I had to force him to take a shower. I ended up calling the in-home agency to help him. I promised him not put him in a nursing home.
Crying at night helped at night to release my stress. Take a deep breath helped as well.
You have the floor...😁
You sound like a decent, caring person and very normal in the guilt/anger cycle.
I care for both parents, and have similar personal issues.
My folks are the same ages, and in somewhat better shape than yours. I do have siblings, who although they mostly don't get why I'm burned out (I'm not working and live "for free"), they step up as best they are able sometimes.
That being said, if I were in your position, I would start with hiring a caregiver. If that doesn't give you some much needed relief and assistance, take the steps to have them placed in a facility. It is not a failing or deficit of character on your part.
Caregiver burnout is finally being acknowledged, and there are organizations to which you can turn. Start with alz.org
I wish you well.
Dad: I saw his decline into dementia. Mom was drinking heavily, verbally abused him, refused to care for him. I had to place him in Memory Care facility in early 2017. I oversee his care there - visit weekly, receive all of the phone calls that he's fallen, needs more Depends, etc., and I handle all of the billing and long-term care paperwork.
Mom: Still lives at home down the street, alcoholic, smokes, refuses to care for the house, herself, or take any responsibility for my dad. She calls me multiple times a day. Yesterday I had to place her in a mental health hospital. This is her fourth stay there in a year. Sadly, she will probably be home next week. She uses a walker. She refuses to consider ANY other living arrangement and at this point she's not far-gone enough for me to force her out of the house.
Mom is only 77 and in this shape. Dad is only 81 and in this shape. I've had a front-row seat to the sh*tshow for a decade (which is now 20% of my life), and probably still a ways to go.
I still have their house and belongings to dispose of at the end of it all. A house that is not being maintained and will have to be sold as a fixer-upper.
I run a small business. My last day away from work was Labor Day - I've been working 7 days a week. My own house is a mess. I can't keep this up much longer.
ive been doing thus for 5 yrs. i just cant imagine doing it for a decade or more. you are a very strong person. i truly pray things get easier for you, somehow.
Begin to look into Medicaid applications if necessary.
If either are Veterans you might be able to get some help from the VA contact the Veterans Commission office in your area they can do some research to help determine what can be done to help out. (Do not pay for this service, there are people that will charge)
It might also be time to talk to an Elder Care Attorney to determine next steps as far as POA?, Guardianship? lots of other things to clear up.
Find them the appropriate level of care and move them.
They were hoarders, we dumped, dumped and dumped. The two of us spent 12 hours a day, tossing and sorting. In a week we have it cleaned out, painted and up for sale. In the meantime we placed them in AL. We sold it in 5 days.
We knew that we would have to move them to FL and we did in July.
Neither my brother or I are equipped to be caretakers, so there was no discussion, they were going to be placed in a home.
I will help them, but I am not going to give myself up for them. If it were my mother the same would apply. I see no need for me to pretend to be Florence Nightingale.
Why not consider placing them in AL, your mother is not going to change, it is up to you to change you. Your thinking, your emotional mindset, there are tools available to combat anger and guilt.
Start by putting yourself in the drivers seat, them in the back seat. My Best.