I think my father is speaking negatively about me to other people. He is in the NH right now for physical therapy. I believe he has told others that I put him there and that he had no help when he was home which is a complete lie. Recently I saw one of his close friends and her attitude was different with me and this is not the first time. I think he has done this with his family as well. He has people feeling sorry for him. This is hurtful to me that he would do this but it is so obvious. I know I should not worry about what others think but why would a parent do this? Actually, this has been occurring since I was a child. Whenever we had company over, when I was little, he enjoyed talking about me to others in a negative way.
I got up took her to church. We then went to family lunch 8 people plus her. After stopped at the store then home. She went in and took a nap. I did some cleaning and started dinner. I over heard her tell her sister. "I haven't seen anyone all day. I think I'm alone here." At that point I made a point to go in the living room with her speaking very loudly. Dinner is almost ready. I've brought your drink and medicine for you. Did you have a good nap. Just so they knew she was not alone. She likes to tell people we are not there. She is never left alone. Someone may not be sitting next to her but always someone there. But this is normal behavior for her. I have called her on it a few times. I feel she is using it to get attention.
Up until now I just distanced myself from my Mom & Grandma who were the ones doing it. Then I let myself get sucked back in recently. I try to keep in mind it shows more about their character than mine. I also try to keep the quote by Bernard Beruch in mind, " Those who mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind". It's hard to not take it personally and not feel hurt by it though.
Wish I had some sage words of wisdom to help but unfortunately I don't. All I can say is the perpetrators can't live forever even though it sure can feel like they will, and it's up to us to not become like them.
Lisa
I'd say very little to him. He'll turn it against you
You've accepted the negative view your father had of you your whole life. You seem to have assumed that you were doing something wrong, or that you weren't good enough in some way. As you say, he hurt your soul.
Now, in middle age, you come to realize that his negative behavior towards you is in HIS head, not a fault of your behavior. That's a lot to take in.
Keep working at repairing the damage through therapy. And no, it's not dementia, but it IS mental illness.
It seems to me that someone who doesn't value their child's soul doesn't value themselves very much. The need to crush their child seems to arise from a deeply placed self-hatred.
Very sad
Yes, I have realized that none of this is my fault I hate that it took me so long to realize this and you are right.. I kept trying to prove I was good enough. I finally realized that his negative behavior was not my fault and that I’m not responsible for anything he does. I no longer have the energy to try to prove anything and I should not have to. Life is too short to spend it trying to please everyone but yourself.
" friends" have no wiggle room to get involved in any way.
" friends" often thrive on this and feed into the problem. Talk with the mental health professionals about this for guidance on coping with the " friends". Be sure father gets on going mental health care
And, for sure, be sure that you are getting emotional, spiritual support , grief support from an appropriate professional ( is, SW, Chaplain, Pastor, other counseling). Your self care is vital.
Anyway, we're all here for you, and understand 100%. Love and support to you.
If it helps to know that you aren't alone, then please know you aren't.
very much. More so this time of the year.
Thanksgiving at my home was the tip of the iceberg, as within 10 minutes of her arrival she showed her true colors by telling my family and grandsons how I took her house away from her, placed her into a (high end) AL facility, and took her money. My husband told her that he’d put her butt back into the car and take her home if she didn’t stop talking about his wife like that! Lastly, when I took her to a medical appt, she spurted out that she would forever haunt me and hoped I’d end up like her.
She causes me angst and I have come to despise her. I do not pick up the phone on every call, nor do I go see her unless she has an appt. I have a very supportive spouse and sister but we are so tired of her behavior, narcissistic attitude, and the fact she has created a toxic environment in our lives, and in the care home she is at. Next step is a mental health evaluation for her and adjusting her meds as what she’s taking isn’t working. And if that doesn’t work, she will be asked to move from her current care home.
I will also be talking with my doctor for guidance, I need to take care of ME!
I wish you the best, please know that you are not alone in this journey. This blog has been forever helpful to me in realizing I’m not the only one going thru hell with my parent. Hugs
A year ago we moved cross country to be closer to my son’s family who had offered help. Sold two family homes and bought one that we could share - so we would be available to help parents. Partner is ret RN, and our being readily available seemed a kind solution to ease them through the twilight of their lives (86 & 88yo) in a kind and gentle manner.
Dad had been diagnosed w MCI about 5 years ago, he was a brilliant engineer with a gift for conversation and a lifetime of always putting others first. But as he declined we began to see that mom wasn’t helping him (denial of his condition). Our move made her condition surface, and after a long wait to be seen by a neurologist, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Not too sure where she is on the timeline of decline - but - she refuses to accept diagnosis.
this last week we finally made the decision to move them both to a memory unit - as he is req more care than we are able to provide and she is always overwhelmed, threatening suicide.
My heart aches, and it all just seems so cruel… but I’m not the first to face this and we will get through it.
I have on occasion told her that while she says hateful things, she forgets them quickly - but they echo in our minds… so no - the day after a verbal attack, we don’t feel we want to be your close friend. I have not learned that ability to provide unconditional love to her when I see how poorly she treats her husband of 67 years.
I have recently petitioned for guardianship, and hear her tell my father “look what she’s done to us.” I calmly tell her I didn’t do it TO you, I did it FOR you. I am accused of stealing all their money and I say I am the steward over their money and am here to make sure they have what they need and are safe. Caring for my parents has truly been the hardest job I could’ve ever imagined… and having one who verbally disparages me to everyone she can just makes it more difficult.
“no good deed goes unpunished”
.......................Jeez! Let it go!
This is silly..
You do NOT have to be his answer, you have choices and you matter too.
We can only do our best and try to ignore outsiders who don’t understand.
Keep up the good work.
I have been told it is very common for people to speak badly about the primary person who handles their affairs. I think they resent not being able to take care of their business any more. Especially if one of their children takes over,
I always hope the people she talks to understand and don’t believe her. I believe actions speak louder than words. We can’t control what our loved ones say about us, so we need to prove them wrong. It is upsetting and hurtful but I don’t think there is much we can do about it. It’s part of the condition of being elderly. Basically, they have lost control of their lives and need to blame someone.
That’s us!
I'm sorry to say, but there is not much you can do with the elderly and their perception of pure nonsense. I found out that trying to correct the behavior is a waste of time and only made me more upset especially when dealing with someone super old and up in years. Put up boundaries. Lessen visits when you need to.