Has anyone moved their loved one across country or have any input on this?

This is just a guess, but is your sis the hands on caregiver and your brother is not sharing those duties?

Parents, especially those with dementia have a tendency to dislike the child who is doing the bulk of the caregiving.

Before I committed to this, I would go to mom's house and give sis two weeks of respite. See if you can do what she does.

I will only say this b/c a lot of people are going to agree with me:
Don't do it.
If you must move Mom, move her to an assisted living facility near you, but not into your home.

At first, it seems like a great idea. Almost immediately you will find your life enveloped and consumed with elder-sitting. Even if your mom is in the best shape (and she's not) you are bringing upon yourself a complete change of lifestyle.

You have no idea what you are signing up for.

HOWEVER, this is just my opinion. You can certainly do what you feel is best, but an incontinent, wheelchair bound dementia patient requires 24/7 care.

Good luck.

OH boy....

I haven't moved old demented folks acros the country but may have to in the next couple of years. It depends on the level of their needs. It could be done in a car, an RV or a medical transport  service for some big$.

Keep in mind elders don't like change, especially with dementia.

Also your mom might be manageable now but this  only goes one way. It will get much harder very soon.

Take a few days and read the bazillion posts on this site about caring for elders in your home. Most don't describe pleasant experiences, many portray living h*ll, but some have been successful.

Study this long and hard. I'm responsible for my failing parents. I discovered this site a while back and learned a lot.  I may have to move one or both to a facility near me but I will not move my folks in with me and my wife.

Colberry, that is sweet of you wanting to move your Mom into your home. Are there any other family members at home with you who could help with Mom? Would Mom be able to afford to hire a caregiver to give you at least one day off each week? Or a caregiver for overnight duty in case Mom is in a phase where she cannot sleep at night?

Barb, above, had an excellent idea about you going out to be with Mom for two weeks giving your sister and brother a much needed break. Then you can see how 336 hours would be caring for Mom. Caregiving is extremely exhausting especially if an elder has memory issues and if you need to transfer Mom from the bed to the wheelchair.

As for Dementia, read these articles to get a better idea what kind of journey you will be facing: https://www.agingcare.com/alzheimers-dementia

Please read this article and the comment that follow it: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/living-with-elderly-parents-do-you-regret-the-decision-133798.htm

Oh, if your Mom is on Medicaid [different from Medicare] then Medicaid stops at the California State line. Mom would need to apply and be accepted in your State.

My biggest question would be what your sister thinks. Does she feel it is a good idea? I found myself wondering why your mother didn't like her and wondered if it is because she is a caregiver or she is a daughter or if they just don't mesh. Do you think your mother would be happier with you. Another huge consideration is if you would be happy with your mother living with you. You wouldn't want to end up trading your happiness for her happiness, particularly if your mother is likely to not be happy.

I think the idea of assisted living near one of the children is a very good idea if your mother can afford it.

I didn't move my mother across the country, but I did move her a few states away. She is becoming used to it now, but we've just traded her anger and hatred for my brother with anger and hatred towards me.

I agree with Barb that if your sister is the caregiver in the current equation, and your mom says she doesn't like her, just know that YOU will be the one she doesn't like when you are providing 24/7 care.

Bottom line is she is probably NOT going to be "happy" anywhere. That ship has sailed. She needs to be safe and cared for and you should look for moments of contentment and happiness and treasure those.

It would be a HUGE change for everyone. Change isn't always bad, but it is stressful. Keep that in mind and plan for a period of time for each of you to decompress after the change, if it occurs.

Can your mother transfer herself from the bed to a wheelchair? For me that would be a deal-breaker if she can't.

My mother moved in with my sister. Mom had dementia, used a walker and sometimes a wheelchair. She was not incontinent. Two of us each took Mom for a long weekend each month and a third sister stayed with Mom one evening a week. Two of us shared a week when caregiver sister and her husband took a vacation.

In general this worked well. The three of them got along. But mother fought taking a shower each and every week. She became more and more home-bound, even canceling hair appointments. Her health began to deteriorate and she couldn't transfer from bed to wheelchair. We placed her in a nursing home. She'd been with sister 14 months. It was sort of her "assisted living" experience.

We were all amazed at how much Mother blossomed in the NH. She willingly took showers. She loved having people around, especially men to flirt with. The trip to the hair dresser was just down the hall. She went to almost all the activities. (Our mother?? Going to crafts???) She had 4 or 5 visits from family per week. She was content.

In some ways living with my sister was great for Mom. In other ways the NH suited her better.

Here are some things to consider:
Can she transfer easily from bed to wheelchair to toilet to recliner? (My mother was a two person lift in the NH.)

Did you have a good relationship with her while you were growing up? (The past tends to creep in, with dementia.) How about more recently? This should not be one last chance to earn your mother's love.

Do you have a plan for respite? One person cannot, I repeat CANNOT do 24/7/365 care alone and retain her sanity. Figure it out well before the move.

Have you read any articles or books about dementia? Personally, I think that is essential. Know what to expect. Dementia always gets worse. Always.

How accessible is your house? Are there stairs (inside or outside)? Can you rearrange or remove furniture to accommodate a wheelchair? Will she have good space of her own, in addition to her bedroom?

I think BarbBrooklyn gave excellent advice: Go to California and do the caregiving, ideally for at least two weeks. And as Midkid suggests, check out assisted living near you. Even if you don't move her into one now, you may have to later. Be aware of what is available.

Please let us know how your decision process goes! We care.

Are you married or single? Do you have children? Do you work a full-time or part-time job? Is your home setup for an old person to live there? Is it ADA accessible? Will your mother have her own bathroom?

Have you thought about the fact that California is a much different climate than Georgia and that she may not like living with so much humidity?

I completely agree with Barbara that before you do anything, you ought to give your sister at least two weeks respite and take care of your mom to see what exactly your brother and sister are dealing with. Your mother's dementia will only get worse and her needs will only increase.

I also agree with everyone who wrote that many old people are just not happy and there isn't anything to be done about it. If you think you will make your mom happy by moving her to Georgia (or you moving to California) you are fooling yourself.

Some great advice here. I moved my dad from one state away to mine because no family lived near him. Now he first moved to independent living and then later on transferred to assisted living. If your mother is already in her stated health condition, it would be better for her if the funds are available to move her to assisted living. She will not only have care, but meals provided and socialization which is important. If she lives in your home...how will she be around others? Are you willing to take her to a senior center? If you intend for your home to be her whole world then you may feel trapped. One thing for sure, your live will never be the same as you know it whether it's in your home or in an ALF. You need to read up on it, go stay there for a couple of weeks and realize you will get the brunt of her "moods" as primary caregiver. Question why you are doing this and go in with plans and both eyes wide open. It is a Herculean task and not to be taken lightly.

I just did this. I moved my mom from SD to NC and my life became very miserable. Very different climate-she hates NC and it's humidity, very different living arrangement-active mobile home park to a quiet neighborhood, from living alone to living with me and my husband. All of us were miserable. Her dementia was worse than anyone was aware of and she accused us of theft, driving her crazy to get her money (she has none), and trying to kill her. My health went down hill, racing heart, high bp, weight loss, all from stress of caring for my mom. The 24/7 Care was too much. She made too much money for Medicaid and we (my siblings and I) couldn't afford to give the financial assistance needed. Luckily I was able to find a small, privately owned, and affordable assisted living place locally to move my mom into. Based on my experience, I'm STRONGLY suggesting you NOT to move your mom in with you. I had a good relationship with my mom before and it eroded to where I didn't want to be around her. She's in a safe and secure place that is close to me and I can visit often. Everyone is much happier. My mom is very healthy other than dementia and could easily live for another 10-15 years. I barely managed 2 months and my health was at risk. Don't do it. Explore other options. Visit her as suggested to see what she is really like, but even that isn't a true picture. The move will be very hard on both of you. Make just one move and move her into assisted living or NH.

Midkid58 is 100 percent correct. I moved my mother (same age & issues) from NY to South Carolina and I was a caregiver 24/7. After a year my mother moved to assisted living. Everyone is much happier and it's a much better situation. Her total expenses are $5000 a month and fortunately she had the resources to support them.

Agree with the others. I've overseen my Mother's care for 30 years. Even moved next door to her when I retired. As needed, moved her nearby to Assisted Living, then Memorycare as she is now 96, has severe dementia, wheelchair bound and now blind. I have two sisters but they do ZERO for my mother. My retirement is taking care of her (My Full-time Part-time job). If you move her in, be ready for your life, 24/7 to be coping with all of the problems of ageing. And...there is no thanks from anybody, not your mom, not your sisters for whom you have lifted any burden off their shoulders, and it is EXPENSIVE too (even if you mom has the funds for AL). As for a trip across the nation, I took my mother (with my husband to help) to see my sister in Maine - she was early 80's then. It was VERY difficult for her, for us, with all the new airline problems of travelling. Your mom needs a fine Assisted Living Residence. Use the services of a Senior Living Advisor (free). Also, be sympathetic to the family members who have taken on the responsibility of caregiving your Mom. Until you do it, you have no idea. I like the previous posts where they suggest using your vacation time to go and stay with her and relieve your siblings. My sisters have NO idea - because they don't want to have any idea. And, they do not want to do a thing for their mother - not even visit her. My husband and I take good care of my mom. I also have created fun activities to do with someone in her condition. - I won't have any guilty feelings when she passes. I know I did my best, and despite her awful challenges, she is a pretty happy person .... even more so now with the severe dementia.

We moved my MIL across the country TWICE. Careful planning and we had to go first class so as not to burden others on the plane. Direct flight and using the airports wheel chair service helped. It was a Pain believe me and I wish we did not have to do it on top of OUR moving ourselves as well. But no-one in the Family stepped up and offered to help us. All I can say is if you have another family member who has not really helped ask them to help. Not that it will work because it seems there is always one person or couple stuck with the whole chore. Needless to say we did not get ANY help at all. And my husband is the youngest. Burden fell totally on us. Others were Worthless. Just waiting for their take of the inheritance. God help them. It takes everything I have not to just loathe them. Judgement on earth won't make a difference in the end they will get Thiers. Or at least I Pray they do.

I agree with the respite idea, but be cautious...There is a honeymoon period and a couple weeks may be just enough time for you to think "I got this!" Talk to your sibling caregiver, and share concerns...but don't move your mom. She will continue to get worse, and you may need to place her in skilled nursing or a memory care unit away from you all eventually. It is hard to separate the logic from emotion, but you have to. I don't think it would be in your mom's best interest to move her in her condition. Talk to her Doc. Talk to your family. Don't listen to your heart, make a logical decision based on facts. It will be the best for everyone. If you HAVE to move her, utilize as many resources as you have available, and definitely be sure all that her health insurance and services are in place/confirmed before she is moved. Good luck and God Bless.

What is your mother's financial situation? Does she have a plan for long term care? Is your mother living with your sister and brother because she wants to conserve her assets, or because she does not have any assets? These are big considerations whether or not you move your mother into your home. My mother lived with me for four years and had modest assets. She utilized these assets to attend an adult day care program during the day, which she loved. It worked out well for her to live with me and my husband, but she had mobility problems due to a brain aneurysm/stroke many years ago, and she was walker dependent. She started having problems with falls, and we had to call 911 to help her get off the floor, because she was obese and we could not lift her. We finally decided assisted living was the best solution. After two months in assisted living, she fell and broke her hip and became wheelchair bound. She lived in assisted living for a few years -- paying out of pocket because Medicare and insurance does not pay for assisted living -- and we were counseled to place her in a nursing home when she had depleted all but $20,000 in assets. So, then we found a nursing home for her, and worked with the social worker to apply for Medical Assistance this year, and after one year in this nursing home, she is finally adjusting (emotionally) to this change. She is 81 years old and has dementia. She needs 24/7 care; cannot ambulate; cannot transfer from bed to wheelchair and vice versa without a Hoyer lift and two+ people assist. We were wise to move her into assisted living as we began to experience signs of her loss of functioning. When she lived with us, we even had home care aids come to the house a few days per week. When we began to notice her incontinence, it was a "sign on the wall" that we were unable to provide the care she needed in our home, although this is what we had hoped to provide. We also wondered if it was possible to move mom to another state, in the event we want to relocate when we retire. My husband is ten years older than me and is retired and wants to move to North Carolina. I have 5 more years to work (I am a social worker in a hospital). We don't think it is feasible to move to North Carolina right now, and take mom with us, and find another nursing home there. She is finally adjusting to her facility now; trusting the staff; and we have no idea what resources are available in North Carolina where we would live. So, for now, we stay in Maryland until mom passes away. I agree with the other writers that perhaps more time in California giving your sister and brother respite may be best for your mom, given her condition. My sister in law did this when my mother in law was alive. My mother in law lived with her daughter in Maryland, and her other daughter (who was an RN), lived in Florida. As "mom" became more needy for care, the sister in law in FL made frequent trips for several weeks to provide respite to the caregiving sister. Of course, we were also around to help. My husband and I helped the caregiving sister frequently. My mother in law was blessed. She died at home with Hospice care, and family members around. Peace and wisdom to you and your family.

Absolutely not! I wouldn't even dream of doing that to no one no matter who they are. Just remember, you yourself will one day be old, would you want someone ripping you out of your home and taking you a cross country into an area you don't even know, or worse yet out of the country? Just ask yourself this before doing this to someone else. You think your demented mom is confused now, just try to take them on a long trip far from home and see what happens!  It's bad enough to have to even move a demented person across town let alone across the country or even across the world if you think about it. Again, if you think she's confused now, just try to move her far from  her home when you do that. In fact, proper authorities are trained to look for just that as a sign of elder abuse, pulling them away from everyone and everything they know is exactly what they look for because this is just a warning sign of elder abuse against a vulnerable adult believe it or not. Don't do it, just don't unless you want people looking at you when something happens

I completely and totally agree with those posters who are saying "don't do it!" In theory, moving mom into your space may seem like a noble, admirable and wonderful thing to do, but as others have said, there's a 99.9% chance you'll soon be miserable. I am a 24/7 caregiver for my husband. He is bedridden and incontinent with no desire to help himself. Yesterday, I posted on this site a long vent about how miserable I am. Even if you have or had a wonderful, loving and happy relationship with your mom, that all goes away when she screams at you, most often for no reason. I also agree with moving her to assisted or even skilled care. For us, it is not financially possible for me to place my husband. He is very mentally aware of what goes on, and he would be miserable anywhere but in his own home even if placing him could quite possibly save my mental and physical health. If you can possibly place your mom, do so. If you feel guilty, visit her daily. You'll soon recover fro. the guilt and realize you did the right thing.

Start with a list of pros and cons from many items listed here. I moved dad 4 states into my house. 1. He did not like tax changes. KS taxes everything including retirement from another state. 2. Check on Medicaid if on in Calif. 3. Availability of physcians and transportation. 4. If working, how understanding is your company. Mine wasn't. 5. Temp was drastic change but rarely out. So that was not nuch issue for me. 6. Help. Will she accept. Mine won't partly because of OCD. The rest he doesn't trust. You will not have a minute to yourself even days when you dont feel like it yourself.
Go slow and dont rush into something you may regret. I applaud for wanting to do but this decision is mjr for both.

In 2011, my Dad called from Florida to tell me he'd had 3 minor car accidents and could no longer drive. When I told my new husband at the time, I cried, and he had no idea why. Now he knows. He and Mom were mid 80's at the time. I moved them to Colorado (I'm an only child) and found them a senior apartment with 2 bedrooms a few miles away from me. At the time, neither of them had dementia, needed walkers, were incontinent, etc. Even having them living in their own apartment caused a lot of extra work and headache for me; taking them grocery shopping, to doctor's appointments, etc. 2 months after moving here, Mom developed ulcerative colitis and nearly died, being hospitalized twice over a 2 month period. On Christmas Day at midnight, she was having an umbrella put into her heart due to blood clot situations. I spent that Christmas at the hospital with my new husband and the folks. A couple of years later, Dad fell and broke his hip and that's when everything changed. Rehab would not release him back to independent living, and due to having a catheter, he really needed a skilled nursing facility, but what about MOM? By then, she had recuperated from the UC but was showing significant signs of dementia. By no means ready for a SNF, but no longer able to really cook or grocery shop on her own, etc. I wound up getting both of them into an assisted living facility *ALF* 1 mile down the road from my house. I had to furnish it, and then figure out how to get rid of all their stuff in the apartment and move Mom in with him a couple of months later. Dozens of trips to the hospital, hundreds of visits to the ALF and the rehab, dozens upon dozens of calls and visits to doctors, specialists, urologists, hospitals..........exhausting and endless. And all this on top of a full time job. Dad passed in 2015 but Mom is still alive and kicking at almost 91, still living at the ALF in a smaller unit. She has progressive dementia, chronic neuropathy, vertigo, is completely and totally incontinent, and to say she's mean and ugly is a gross understatement. If I had her living with me, I'd probably swallow a bottle of pills with whiskey and call it a day. There is NO WAY I could even care for her if I WANTED to! How would I give her a shower in my standard shower stall? How would she get her walker (soon to be a wheelchair) around my house and up the stairs? How would I change her Depends over and over again every day? She has no idea what day it is, or how to use the phone, or to do anything much but COMPLAIN 24/7. Do you want this for yourself and your family members? Just changing the bed linens every day after your Mom wets the bed will be enough to drive you crazy, never mind the one million other annoyances involved with dementia, incontinence and old age. This isn't about 'love', it's about SURVIVAL! You can love your Mom and do lots for her while she's living ELSEWHERE, and that way, you can preserve what's left of YOUR sanity!

Think long and hard before making a rash decision which sounds good on PAPER. Reality is another matter entirely. At an ALF, you pay THEM to care for your Mom, to entertain her, to feed her, to clean up after her, to change Depends, to shower her, to hand out medications (which in itself can be a part time job!), and to provide social stimulation that you CANNOT.

Best of luck, you will need it.

I thought residents were required to be continent to live in assisted living?

I, too, wonder about your mother's dislike of your sister. Has she expressed this dislike to you and told you why? My mother would have preferred to live with my brother but he neglected her medical needs and let her starve and live in unsanitary conditions. She did not understand, at that point, what was best for her. We had to move her but it was very hard on her. She sleepwalked and several times tried to leave home to 'find him'. She cried and was stressed and had anxiety attacks for almost 6 months. People with dementia are very stressed by new surroundings. I wouldn't move her unless she is in danger.
Also, I have to agree with those who point out the changes this will bring to your life. Can you have her supervised 24/7? People with dementia can leave stoves on, eat things they shouldn't, accidentally hurt themselves or your pets and not 'remember' to do something about it, get lost looking for the bathroom etc.

Well I have been 24/7 caregiver for my 89 yr old mother with dementia. She earns too much money for medicaid but not enough to cover costs of a nursing home. I am her only living relative and can't work and health deterI o rating but don't have any other options. I see many of you are in much better situations and should be grateful and not complain...

Yes, My wife and I moved my mother from California--at mom's request--when she was 93 and with dementia and outlived all her friends (except two neighbors who were very good to her)
By the way, it doesn't matter how far the move is as long as it is on a different street.
Anyway, it was the hardest 27 months we have ever had, before we had to give in and put her in a nice care facility where she lived another 15 months.  And Mom was really in good spirits and always easy to get along with.  Still very hard to do, since we took caregiving seriously.
I pretty much agree with every word of the previous comments. Many of which reflect our situation and are very accurate.

A move is a move is a move whether 100 miles or 1000 miles - unless close enough to keep same dr then the distance doesn't matter - people with dementia have a harder time with this so the earlier you can do it the better for them

I moved my mom 250 miles to a nursing home [diabetes, incontinent, blind, dementia etc] to be closer to me - it was the best thing I could have done for her - I see her much more frequently & keep an eye on her care personally -

After I finish writing this I am off to see her then dad who is at another facility - whole afternoon + but I spend my time WITH them not GETTING TO them - they get great care & I sleep well knowing that they have good care - sounds small but it is huge in keeping your sanity

I echo all the sentiments here. Just don't do it. Work with the other siblings to find her a nice place -- key aspects being safety and care. Yes, almost all elders with advancing dementia develop an "attitude" towards their caregivers, its all part of the disease and losing control of their own abilities.

Hi Colberry ... just a few thoughts on moving your mother, as my mother was recently moved out of state by my stepfather and the aftermath was unexpected. He moved them in with his son and the son's long-time girlfriend.

Their attachments are subject to change. As my mother declined, she didn't know my stepfather, told my stepbrother 'there's a man in my bed!' Shortly thereafter she didn't know who my stepbrother was but attached to the girlfriend.

One especially hard thing about the move is that emotionally engaged family members were suddenly 1,400 miles away; travel is expensive, so caregiver support was nonexistent. It was all on my stepbrother and his girlfriend.

My stepbrother died, then care for his sickly/cantankerous father and my mother was all on the girlfriend.

My mother is now in a nursing home.

Good luck with your decision. In a perfect world, you could relocate to where the support is and manage her care WITH BACKUP.

I moved mthr from one eastern state to another in late stage 5 dementia. I never brought her home but she went straight to memory care which knew how to tend her. Like others have said, she blossomed with the social scene, even though she was a grumpmonster from birth (see my avatar!).

I already have a life, and she deserves on separate from me too. It's a respect issue. If I'm wiping her hiney 6x a day, I am not as likely to see her as a person but a chore. The paid home has worked well for 5 years, and I think she has had 2 folks from her home town come visit- probably more than she ever had to her house. But people she does not know have also come to visit- I've sent the 4h kids over, the girls' club, and a church youth group who are now her regular visitors.

My advice: Don't bring her in to live with you. Put her in a home where she/the family can afford to keep her. Ga is probably cheaper than CA. Our memory care offers respite visits, so you could potentially "try" two weeks before making a family decision, based on what MC says, not mom.

I moved myself over 1000 miles. Oregon to Texas. It took my son 6 years to finally get me to move. I refused to move unless we were honest with each other. No bossing me around. I needed and insisted on privacy. I made the move. I thought I could never be happy moving from my beautiful Oregon. It can be done. Honesty and sincere love is a must. My son moved from a large 2 story home to single story home😁 with a guest home. I pay rent and utilities. My home in Oregon sold full price in less than 30 days. Prayer and deep family love us necessary

My sister against the advice of medical professionals, transported my parents from DE to OK (where she has been living since 1984) and within 3 days they were both dead. She went on to steal all their money, continued collecting pension checks without notifying his pension provider of his death. She stole all the furniture out of the home and had it shipped to her home in OK. I am the eldest daughter who took care of both of my parents by myself since my sister moved to OK in 1984. Now, she has everything and both of my parents died within 3 days of one another. I reached out to every agency in the state and no one helped prevent this tragedy. I contacted at least 24 lawyers and they wanted retainers in excess of $10,000. My sister had both of their death certificates falsified to reflect her address in OK instead of DE where they resided all their lives. Dad was in Heartland Hospice house and she had him sign papers (don't know what they were) when he was in and out of consciousness. She has committed fraud, abuse, neglect, undo influence, extortion, theft and I was met at the home by detectives who presented me with a subpoena for "murder in the second" by my sister. The crime spree started in DE and went all the way to OK. The detectives say that they cannot pass jurisdictional lines. My parents were together for 65 years and she threatened them that if they did not go to OK they would be separated and dad would have to go to the hospice house and mom would be put in a nursing home. That was not true. She stuffed my 200 lb. quadriplegic, blind mother in the back seat of my dads' car and she died an hour into the journey. She left her body in a Baltimore Hospital, did not notify any family members and continued her journey to OK. She evaded police all across the country. Despite the fact that my dad had heart disease, diabetes and prostate cancer, he died from an untended to urinary tract infection where sepsis spread and he died from septic shock and multi-organ shutdown because Donna fired Hospice and no one was taking care of him. She had him transported to her house in OK where no one was there to care for him. She continued to clean out the house and run from bank to bank before she stuffed my mom in the car to try to get her to OK to be reunited with her husband. She literally is responsible for both of their deaths and stole everything from money to all their possessions which she now has possession of in OK. Where do I turn? Deb

I moved myself over 1000 miles. Oregon to Texas. It took my son 6 years to finally get me to move. I refused to move unless we were honest with each other. No bossing me around. I needed and insisted on privacy. I made the move. I thought I could never be happy moving from my beautiful Oregon. It can be done. Honesty and sincere love is a must. My son moved from a large 2 story home to single story home😁 with a guest home. I pay rent and utilities. My home in Oregon sold full price in less than 30 days. Prayer and deep family love us necessary