Husband and I live in the same home with his dad. His dad’s natural personality is narcissism, all he cares about is getting his coffee, newspaper, donuts cookies (he’s diabetic type2) and his MONEY. His dad is 72 & was married for 24yrs until 7 months ago when she broke her hip and then 2 mos after broke her other hip. She did EVERYTHING for him I mean EVERYTHING. He had a VERY mild stroke the drs said they aren’t worried about the location of the stroke all he needs to do is keep walking and he will be 100%, well he wanted to be wheeled around in a wheel chair all the time even at home especially when he realized he was getting attention from other people. Now he CANT walk without falling or assistants. He divorced his wife 7 mo ago and told the day time caregiver (old friend of his, I thought I had it made with Sue she did everything for me I guess I was wrong). He stays in bed all day everyday, he has had 6 home health physical therapies and 1 outpt therapy stopped after 2 visits, showers every 2-3 months, won’t eat what is given to him but maybe 2 bites then tells the dr I don’t cook and he is withering away on Sandwiches (yes I stopped cooking for him), he can’t even write (as I said the wife did EVERYTHING for him), in the past month he has had 11 bowel accidents in the bed and on the carpet because he can’t walk fast enough to the toilet and he is ok with that because there is always someone to wipe his butt he has even told me after cleaning him up I’m not done I’ll just lay here and go on the towel (I don’t say it but I’m like what the F***) and poops on the carpet. When he was in the hospital a few months ago for pneumonia he has told drs and PT therapists “my WONT power is greater then my will power, when my husband & I go out he says just make me a care package and leave the front door unlocked (I am again what the F***), when I reach my limit and blow my top, he pulls on my husbands heart strings over these past 7mos he has put a big guilt trip on my husband (his dads now ex-wife was my husbands stepmom) so his dad tells him your mom gave me the gift of life YOU!!! She died when my husband was 15mos, my husband does have his moments of blowing his top at his dad, he hasn’t seen the dr in about 5mos and hasn’t done his lab work, he has had had 5 falls in the past month, he has cashed out 3 life insurance policies totaling over $100,000.00 for total of approximately $10,600.00. PCP says he has dementia on top of his type 2 diabetes and other things. He will not go to a neurologist to confirm it and to see how far he is in the dementia. He will not bring someone that is licensed qualified to help him because he doesnt want to pay. His friend that is helping in the day time he short pays her so my husband and I pay the difference and she is about ready to walk out the door and never look back he has ruined their friendship. The hospital and PCP has reported him to APS for neglect of self care. I have told the Dr the other things he has done including the life insurance situation, the decisions he is making are incompetent decisions and is actually putting our daytime caregiver, my husband and I in big jeopardy of bad repercussions, he has done other things not listed. APS doesn’t know everything he has done, he sounds competent but you can see on their faces they know he is lying. I don’t talk to him or look at him, give him his crap and leave the room. I almost lost my state job of 15yrs because of him and still on a thin line and he knows it he says it is not that hard to take care of me. He refuses to try to try.
WE KEEP a daily log book of EVERYTHING, said, done, food and we have pictures.
Do drs only report certain things? Has anyone gone through this with APS? Are there others steps of APS? Is there other ways to get proper help? Can we get in trouble if we move out? Where is the caregiver protection?
I am so dumbfounded of how the system works when it is right in front of their faces.
Dumbfounded
His is a manipulative old reprobate and you need to protect yourself, even if it costs you your marriage. This behavior is beyond, beyond acceptable.
Your husband's dad obviously has mental illness, people don't poop on themselves and think it is all good unless they have some serious mental issues.
He is not going to change it is up to you to make the necessary change.
I agree, you need to step back and tell husband you can't do it anymore. His father, his job. You job is in jeopardy. If the home is his Dads, leave and contact APS and tell them there is a vulnerable adult. That your livelihood is now in jeopardy. If husband is not for this, then maybe its time to leave. It might be what is needed for husband "to see the light". This man is not old and should still be able to live on his own. My DH is 73.
is there anywhere caregivers can get help.
thx
dumbfounded
But it won't happen without a game plan. Even if you both start saying no.
Dad has diabetes & dementia (post-stroke & possibly alcohol related also). As you already know, no point trying to reason. He can't.
Pre-action plan:
Leave some pre-made sandwiches where he can reach & go out with your DH for dinner (or cafe, pub whatever). Have a proper chat away from Dad. Are you on the same page?
Next will be trying all the services available to you that can help - Area of Aging, APS etc. Ask how to get a Social Worker or Case Manager.
"I don't talk to him or look at him."
That right there is abuse.
Provide the care if you are prepared to, or refuse to provide the care if you are not prepared to. But don't do this.
I recommend your DH hires outside caregivers to visit your father 3 or 4 x daily and provide support with ADLs. Seeing as FIL won't agree to pay for this at the moment, I suggest your DH keeps punctilious accounts and recoups the money in due course - either when your FIL can be persuaded to agree, or when he's past the point of managing his finances.
You stay away from him, at least for as long as it takes you to recover somewhat. Your FIL's care is legally your FIL's responsibility (at least for now). Next, it will be your DH's responsibility. It is not your responsibility and can't be yours without your consent.
How the system works... What, exactly, are you expecting the system to do? Physically pick the man up and stuff his head in a CT scanner? APS visit. They interview him. He answers their questions. He may be a [several interesting words deleted], but they have no evidence that he is non compos mentis and without that they can't do a thing.
And for God's sake stop subbing the friend/caregiver! Thank her effusively for her loving care and forbearance but get rid of her. She's part of what's propping him up but she can't do enough to take the burden off you - explain to her that it's essential that everybody stops enabling his poor decisions. Surely she'd be relieved, wouldn't she?
See All Answers