My aunt died within three months of being admitted to an expensive $5000 per month assisted living facility. She was well when she was admitted, but caught the flu from other patients. She had fulltime home assistance, but that was not good enough for her children, who wanted to sell the house in Santa Cruz full of antiques. I consider it elder abuse to remove an elderly parent against their will.
instead of judging your cousins, sympathize with them. Clearly you’ve never been in their shoes. You have no idea just how hard it is to make the decision to place a parent in a care facility. You weren’t the one managing her care, her children were. She may have had full time care but do you have ANY IDEA how much that costs? And how much work her children still had to do? Probably not.
I see, you are here to vent. Well that’s ok but don’t spar with posters here to give you advice.
You sound angry. Have you thought of getting some counseling to teach you to cope with your anger and resentment?
I am sorry for the loss of your aunt. Let go of your anger towards your cousins as it’s really none of your concern how they managed their mother’s care & “the house in Santa Clara” is water under the bridge. Her kids probably has to sell to have the money for AL.
I sense you would like to have had the financial resources for your mother as well. A lot of us do but we just DON’T.
I hope your are ok working through your grief.
My mom is extremely lucky to be able to afford the 24/7 care she needs and remain in her own home with advanced AD. After 5 yrs of varying degrees of in-home care, she has finally started to accept the fact that someone else is always there. Don't get me wrong, my mom is not rich by any means. She and my father were teachers for 30+ years, so she receives a pension rather than SS. But my father (God rest his soul) did three things before he passed: (1) He made sure the house was paid off, (2) he set up a LTC insurance policy for my mom, and (3) he took less of his pension while he was alive, so it would continue for my mom after his death. Between my mom's LTC insurance and two pensions, she is able to pay for 24/7 in-home care ($500/day adds up quickly!). Food, utilities, incidentals, Medicare premiums, etc. are paid from savings; but, honestly, everything else ends up costing WAY less than the in-home care.
What's my point? I think my point is this: All of us need to figure out NOW (when we're 40, 50, or 60) how we want to live out the last years of our lives and how WE are going to pay for it, so our loved ones don't end up fighting over these decisions when the time comes. If the money just isn't there for in-home care, then come to grips with it now while you're still able to form rational thoughts. Figure out a plan that is reasonable and put it in place!
My two cents.
So sorry for your loss; my condolences.
Is it possible that your Aunt's family saw decline in your Aunt that you were not privy to? If they were the ones overseeing her care, they may know that she was not safe in her home anymore.
In my family's case, when we have to remove MIL from her home, you can bet it will be against her will. She refuses to consider assisted living, a SR apartment, or any nursing home. She just wants to "stay in this house" - consequences be damned!
She really shouldn't be living on her own at this point, but the family keeps trying to do all we can to keep her there (in spite of all she does that thwarts our efforts!) And to the outside world, and extended family - it looks like it's all great. And she will be quick to tell you she is doing "Just fine on her own" - but that is simply not true.
So while it may seem cruel and unfair to "remove" someone from their home, honestly, sometimes the person leaves us no choice.
Their children try to think of a solution. They look at different places. One that has Good Care and a friendly happy atmosphere. They show their parent different places. Yes it's expenses. They discuss with their parent about selling the house to pay for assisted living.
The parent moves. At first, it's an adjustment getting use to a new place. The children help with moving. They visit sometimes to talk to their parent, plus speak to the care team about the care.
The caregivers there tries to encourage the parent to make friends. The parent goes to where the activities are. After some time, they make friends.
Of course, there are good days and bad days. And good moods and bad moods. Every situation and person is different.
There are people out there with dementia who can't think think straight because dementia deteriorates their brain. So their children need to decide on good care for them.
I'm sorry for your loss. May you find comfort.
99% of the elders are going to say they Want To Stay In Their Own Home, of course, but then it becomes impossible to do so........unsafe, unrealistic, unmanageable without the children stepping in to do EVERYTHING for them so they can maintain their 'independence' which is just a facade.
Parkinson's is a long old haul. How are things going in general, how long have you been your mother's caregiver?
I'm wondering if there is something in particular that's troubling you at the moment, or a whole set of somethings. Can we help? I know you do know we are not paid hirelings recruiting on the sly.
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