I live with my grandmother along with other family members including my mother, her daughter. We’ve been struggling trying to get my grandmother to use the toilet in the bathroom. She uses a commode in her bedroom and does number two, even though she walks with a walker and can get to the bathroom fine. She does not have dementia, although she has other mental health issues. She wears adult diapers but this doesn’t keep her from doing number two in her commode. Sometimes she does this with the door to her bedroom open. She empties it in the bathroom toilet daily. We’ve all talked to her about not doing it anymore. She always says she can’t smell it, and that she has to do it because it takes too long to get to the bathroom. But my thoughts on this are that she is doing this as a way to control as much as she can. She makes it seem like we’re abusing her when we refuse to empty it for her, but I don’t do it because I believe she doesn’t have to use it for number two. Are we being too hard on her or is it reasonable to expect her to go to the toilet in the bathroom?
I agree wholeheartedly with you and all of my comments on this thread reflect that.
I know your grandmother is not your client. She is abusing the bedroom commode and has let it replace using the flushing toilet in the bathroom.
You are right and should definitely talk to her about it. The other family members living in the house should too.
hug!!
i hope OP, you can find a good solution!!
as for abby -- yeah, that's what i was saying too -- that sometimes the commode is a necessity. i have friends whose parents simply must have a commode. i also know people who use cups in their bedroom (for number 1) - but that can be problematic too, falling while you stand and hold a cup.
oh boy.
i'm wishing us all to find good solutions!!
Good luck.
although i agree with you that it's disgusting to have a commode in one's bedroom...
:(
i think sometimes it's necessary.
some LOs reallly have a hard time walking to the bathroom --- especially at night. many elderly people fall at night, trying to go the bathroom.
then:
sometimes, the only way is to try to use the commode.
hug!!
:( oh boy. it's not easy getting elderly...and we will experience it one day too, maybe.
Back in 2011, my mom suddenly became anxious about everything. She seemed the same as usual otherwise. My brother said she was having a "pity party" and told her to cut it out.
To make a very long story short, at the encouragement of her new geriatrics doc and geriatric psychiatrist, we had a thorough panel of neuropsych assessments done. Not "tell me what day it is and who is the president?"--4 hours of paper and pencil testing--that's what a neuropsych exam is.
It turns out that my mom had had an undetected stroke and had the reasoning ability of a 6 year old. Mom wasn't capable of living on her own any longer, but she couldn't explain what was going on.
I'm glad you see the need for assessments.
Living with your family is a privilege, not a foregone conclusion grandma is entitled to. Part of the privilege is helping out and not expecting to be waited on hand and foot because "she's old". Providing she doesn't have dementia, she knows what she's doing and can empty her own commode loads. I'd die of embarrassment before expecting my kids or grandkids to do that for me. Period.
As time went on and she became more unsteady with her walking, I wanted her daily routine to be as stress free as possible. So the commode stayed in the bedroom. Three times a day, morning, lunch time, and bedtime, I helped her change her pull-ups, including cleaning her, and making sure she had no pressure ulcers. At first, I was uneasy, as her son, cleaning Mom's behind, but it quickly became part of the daily routine. If she had an accident at any other time during the day, off to the bedroom we would go to change again. She would sleep through the night, so sometimes the bed would be wet in the morning. That's where multiple bed pads came in handy. I made sure there was air freshner in the bedroom, and the commode was always cleaned up immedately after each use. I agree with the comment trigas made that it is part of the job description.
The commode is there so that they don't risk a fall by rushing, so that they don't panic about soiling themselves, so that they're not wandering around the house at night if their vision and/or mobility aren't great. Emptying it is nobody's favourite job but neither is it any big deal.
And maybe your grandmother has other reasons too that make her feel uncomfortable using the bathroom. For example, if it's a busy family house, maybe she dreads a knock on the door when she's in the middle of business, so to speak. But of course I don't know what her reasons are - has she said?
No one should have to live in a house that stinks of piss and sh*t.
You are right about it likely being a control issue. It happens more often than people think. My mother who does not have dementia but uses a walker was doing the same thing for a while. She has to walk past the bathroom when she leaves her bedroom so there was no reason to walk past it to use the commode located three rooms away. Then I would be expected to clean it up at once.
This stopped when I threatened to throw the commode away and she can crap all over herself and I will do nothing to help her.
The pooping in the commode stopped.
I understand that you live with your grandmother and it being her house she will be the one calling the shots. Not on this though.
All of you tell her plainly that you will not be cleaning up her sh*t anymore and that the lot of you will move if this disgusting nonsense with the commode continues. Then it will be her all alone with her crap. Trust me, she'll start using the toilet.
A good friend of mine had a similar situation to yours. Her grandmother on her father's side lived with them when she was younger. Her parents both worked full time, but grandmother had people with her all day long in the house. She was never alone. Homecare aides (I was one) in the mornings and one of her daughters in the afternoons. She used to wear a pull-up but really did not have incontinence issues.
The last one to get home from the workday was her DIL. The minute this woman set a foot in the door grandmother would crap and pee herself to kingdom come. Then the poor DIL would have to clean it all up. The grandmother saved it for her. She also hated her. Even her DIL changed her work hours and started coming home at different times, the minute she walked in the house it was poop-a-palooza.
Until one day she just lost it and refused to clean her up. She left her sitting there. Her son wouldn't change her claiming he couldn't (which is ridiculous) and my friend refused to. Several hours went by and no one would do it.
The grandmother got up, walked to the bathroom and cleaned herself up.
The crapping herself silly the minute my friend's mom walked in the house abruptly stopped. The threat of being placed in 'a home' helps that too. Try it with your grandmother.
To address your need for her to use the toilet - have you tried to just remove the commode? If the problem is as Beatty has mentioned then perhaps placing the commode over the toilet (they make splash guards especially for this purpose) may resolve it.
Also people tend to be fairly regular in their bowel habits and go around the same times every day, perhaps you could direct her to the bathroom at around that time "just to freshen up!" and nature will take it's course.
My first guess is funtional. If the commode is higher & has armrests it will be easier to stand up from.
Standing up is easy when young. When older, can be hard to very hard. Bad knees, stiff hips, balance issues when dealing with reaching to clean & fixing clothing up, fear of falling.
I have seen people unable to get up from a toilet many times.
Who is telling you that she doesn't have dementia?