Not a question, just whining on my part.
This is going to be long, so I am sorry for that. I do not have an outlet for my concerns and frustrations...yet. This isn't all of it and it's going to be a random jumble of issues.
My MIL passed away rather suddenly last year. My FIL moved in with us. Since that time, I have become his primary caretaker. It became obvious quickly that he could not be left at home alone. I've had to practically quit my job to care for him. None of his children want to admit that there is something wrong. All they say is he's old, it's how old people are.
I've worked with geriatric patients in the past, in a regular nursing home, a memory care setting and with developmentally disabled geriatric patients. I am no expert, but I do have a little background.
Anyway, what I'm seeing and experiencing with him is this:
He follows me everywhere (except the bathroom) and will stand in the way of what ever I am doing. He starts out each day pretty with it, but as the day progresses he either gets quieter or starts pacing waiting for the mail to run and then for my husband to get home.
He asks the same questions over and over, even if he was the one who took care of the task (i.e. checking the mail). He naps/lays on his bed on and off all day and was getting up all night. I got that corrected with Flomax and melatonin. He has an obsession with sugary things-just got a pre-diabetes diagnosis.
But what I find most perplexing is this. He loves going to the local big box store. The last 3 times I've taken him he has, slapped someones cart hard, followed one of the cashiers with his cart and whispered something in her ear and today, started toward a person standing in an aisle like he was going to run them down. He even sped up his shuffle gait. I pulled the cart away and he laughed and said he wasn't going to hit them. He was inches away and I stopped the cart.
More behaviors that are driving me insane:
Open food and drinks everywhere. I didn't have mice til he arrived.
He will pet my cat and then slap her for no reason.
Has showered 2 times since the beginning of December. There is no issue with bath safety, he has handles, a chair and a practically zero threshhold shower.
I can not communicate with my husband because he is always hovering. I can't write a note to my husband because he will read it.
He has 3 other children and they have all faded away. Lots of promises to visit. They contact me to find out what is going on, but I'm tired of it. I refuse to tell them anything if they aren't going to make an effort.
He has not been diagnosed yet, that appointment is tomorrow in the form of a annual wellness check.
Again I'm sorry for the giant blurt-out.
Even if FIL is standing in the room. So what., dicuss in front of him.
Best Wishes
Mild memory issues or other mild cognitive decline were being managed by the couple. But without the spouse to compensate, the holes appear.
Many people lose their spouse. Why did your FIL move in with you? Rather than stay in his own home to adjust & learn to cope as a widower?
Grief may be playing a giant part here.
I'll read further & check back.
Yes you CAN communicate this to your husband. Or at least start. 'Hon, I have to talk to you about your Dad. Later.. tonight'.
Dad's not in your bedroom, right?
Give notice that you are quitting this caregiving gig and that his father needs 24/7 care in a facility . Living with this elderly man is so disruptive that you can not even get 5 minutes to talk to your husband. So in home hired caregivers is also off the table.
. If your husband does not understand , go on vacation by yourself , let him take care of his Dad and experience what you have . Honestly you don’t need to convince your husband of anything in order to quit. You have the right to quit caregiving at anytime. This is not your responsibility. This elderly man’s POA ( if he has one ) is responsible to get care for this man . So long as you are the caregiver , they think the problem is solved .
Continue to ignore the relatives who want you to give them updates . You don’t work for them either. Come here and vent anytime.
Some people seem to have a tolerance for the behaviors of the elderly with dementia. I sure don't, and I can really relate to what you are saying. The only thing I found I can do is substantially reduce my time around my dad. I just can't seem to learn patience around the behaviors. His are a combination of dementia behaviors but also mean and narcissistic, making it harder.
Also, I'm not sure what it is, but the elders with some dementia do seem to love going to the big box stores.
I must say that the other children are the wise ones in my humble opinion, because they know early on that they cannot and will not embrace hands on care for their elder. You say you have worked doing this care. I did also, as an RN for many years, dealing primarily with elders. This made me know with strict certainty that I was not up to hands on caregiving.
The shadowing you mention, along with other things are for the most part of the mild end of what you can expect ongoing.
When one takes on caregiving they move from being a DIL or a son to being caregivers/caretakers, and in that sense the "enemy". The one with restrictions, boundaries, limits and suggestions as to what you should eat, where you should be, when you should shower, when go to bed and etc.
The other children, not saddled with the burden of care, will remain the favored and favorite children.
You do not mention any agreements with FIL about your welcoming him into the home.
Was there any stipulation as to the amount of private time you need?
Is he capable of obeying any rules you set up?
Was there agreement as to who would keep up his room, how often he would attend to hygeine and what care would he need attending that?
Was there financial agreements as to shared living costs in which he helps pay mortgage cost, caregiving costs, food, and etc?
Was there agreement as to how often the FAMILY will reassess whether or not this is working for one and all (and if it is not working for ONE then it is not working).
I am sorry, but as I said, what you are seeing now if on the mild end if you have read here at all on Aging care. We have seniors removing incontinent wear and peeing on the carpets. We have seniors escaping and becoming lost. We have seniors constantly falls, and lashing out with abuse. We pretty much have it all.
I think that you and husband need now to sit down and assess this situation.
If this has been a mistake then now is the time to admit it and to get a thorough assessment.
I do not even know if you have POA for placement of this gentleman. It seems a whole lot of carts were put before the horse and traffic's at a standstill.
I wish you good luck.
I am sorry, but I think there was perhaps some magical thinking, or just not enough thinking moving into this. It doesn't sound as though it is working, and if it is not working NOW in these earlier stages, then it certainly won't be working as things progress.
I wish you the best. And please remove all animals from the home now. They didn't take this on and don't deserve abuse as a result of it. If other family members cannot temporarily house them they must be rehomed.
I had to leave family members (in denial) over continence to LIVE it.
3 change of garments,
2 bags of dirties,
Worn out carers but a breakthough of denial at last!
He has heart disease, lung disease, mobility issues, arthritis, depression and diabetes. Wow, this is quite a lot for you to be dealing with.
I hope that you are starting to see the writing on the wall for this man’s future.
This situation is only going to become more difficult as time goes by. It’s no wonder why your in-laws have taken a pass on being involved.
All the more reason for you to start working on your plan to escape this nightmare.
Stay focused on placing your FIL. DO NOT consider pushing yourself if other people pressure you to care for your FIL. Not only will this delay getting proper care for your FIL, it will also keep you in this miserable situation.
Easier to change your behavior.
"I can't provide care for your father any longer. You'll have to make other arrangements."
I would say this tomorrow, if front of the doctor. Let your husband do ALL the care.
You say that you don’t have a question and that your posting is only a “whine.”
My goodness, you have lots to whine about. If I were in your shoes I would be past the whining stage. It’s past time to have a serious discussion with your husband. Talk to him ASAP!
You say that you aren’t able to speak with your husband due to your FIL always being there. You say that you can’t write a note to him because your FIL will read it.
You just wrote a wonderful description of your situation to this forum. So, text your husband the same thing that you texted us!
1) You can’t leave your FIL alone. That means you’re a prisoner in your own home.
2) This man is always in your way due to his shadowing your every move. So, you don’t have any privacy except for when you go to the bathroom!
3) No one is pitching in with your FIL’s care. You aren’t SuperWoman! You aren’t capable of doing everything for this man and still care for your own needs. Even if you were capable, this isn’t your responsibility.
4) It isn’t safe for you or your cat to be around this man.
5) You can’t take this man on errands anymore. Sooner or later, something is going to happen that you will regret. Sadly, people will blame YOU for whatever happens because YOU were the person who decided to have him accompany you on your errands. People aren’t going to question him. They will question YOUR judgement
6) This is going to take an emotional and physical toll on you if you continue to do this. Please start to value yourself as much as you are valuing others. Your well being counts equally to everyone else.
7) While it’s true that no one brings dementia, mental illness or any other health issues upon themselves, it doesn’t mean that you should have to make their problems ‘your’ problems.
8) As far as your in-laws go, you don’t owe them any explanation for how you feel. Nor, do you have to report any updates on their father’s condition to them. If they aren’t willing to be an advocate for their dad, then they shouldn’t be able to receive information from you. Tell them that they need to address their concerns to your husband.
9) Make certain that you and your husband have access to your FIL’s medical records. Discuss everything with the doctor. You can write down all of this and forward it to the doctor before your appointment if you like. This way the doctor has a head start on your FIL’s situation.
10) I don’t know what your financial situation is, but if you have additional funds, spend those funds to book a hotel room. Allow your husband to see firsthand what you have been dealing with!
You have done far more than your share. You are a kind and generous soul who deserves to resume your life. If your husband doesn’t see things in this way, maybe you are spending your life with the wrong person.
Your husband can either agree to go to counseling or he can take care of his dad all by himself. I guarantee that he wouldn’t waste a lot of time on his dad and would look into placement for him. Placement is truly the only option at this point.
Wishing you all the best.
It seems like the FIL is making ALL the rules in your house just by his bad behavior. Case in point you can't talk to your husband in private because FIL is always there or reads whatever note you are writing?
The time to move him out of your house is now. If hubby isn't on board take the cat and go to a hotel for a week. Let him stay home with dad alone. I bet he will come around very fast after that.
Getting to the bottom of what is really going on is important because with a diagnosis then the family cannot tell you it's all old age, and if they want to keep ignoring it then you can put a plan in place and what you say goes because he is under your roof, if someone doesn't like it, then drop him off at that persons house. If your husband doesn't like it, then tell him he has to stay home and watch him. Best of luck, let us know how it goes.
I strongly suggest your husband accompany him to this appointment (you, too). Make sure you discretely pass a note to the staff to give him a memory and cognitive test because of his worrisome behaviors. They may not automatically give him this test just because it's a wellness check. Don't leave that appointment with them doing this test -- they will be happy to do it. Make sure your husband is in the room to see him take the test. He will probably be shocked.
No one gets to "assume" you into a caregiver's role. You can quit/retire anytime you want, on your terms. Stop waiting for people to "be on board" with it. You are burning out, you need to step away permanently, asap.
You can maybe make it "easier" to accept by first hiring a companion aid for him. Daily, like 4 or more hours per day. He pays for it out of his savings. This will buy you some breathing room to start looking at other options, like Adult Day Care or AL/MC. Do not agree to pay for any of it.
Who is your FIL's PoA? Is it your husband?
The way to do that is he has to start being left alone with caregivers or put into adult daycare. At night, you lock him in his bedroom if you have to so he can't wander. You cannot allow this to continue because it will get to the point where you will be taking him into the bathroom with you.
Let him throw as many tantrums and refuse as much as he wants about going to adult daycare. Force him. Also, he is at a point where you should stop taking him to public places like stores or restaurants if he's disruprive. There comes a time when the only appropriate place to take a person like your FIL who from what you say obviously has dementia, is to their doctor's appointments.
The rest of the family being dismissive about how serious and hard you FIL situation is very common. Family members will minimize the seriousness and even try to gaslight you because by keeping in denial it keeps them off the hook for having to take on any of the caregiving duties.
It's time for you and your husband to look at some facilities to place your FIL in. He needs to be moved out regardless of what the rest of the family thinks. They can take him in if they object to placement.
In the meantime, you lay down the law. He will eat when and where you say. Put locks on the refrigerator and cabinets. There will be no more him taking anything he wants any time he wants.
As for the refusal to shower. No one has to live with a dirty, stinking, disgusting person in their house. No one.
Now, I did homecare for 25 years so I know every possible care situation.
You want him to shower, use the classic tactic that I've used on many stubborn seniors as well as their family members.
It's either take a shower or you go into a nursing home because you will not be allowed to live here anymore.
Then get him placed. Enough is enough.
Richard
The cat has finally had enough of his confusing behavior and hasn't gone to him at all today.
Yes, I strongly suspect dementia. I've been told that my MIL told people she felt he had "something going on" mentally. When she was hospitalized briefly before hospice, the hospital staff said that they would not release her to him, if they lived alone. When he recently was hospitalized for a fall and pneumonia, the nursing staff fought him every night to leave his lines in (he tore them out several times). The said "he has short term memory issues".
As I spend more time with him little doubt is left in my mind about what is going on.
My plan (since no one seems to want to address this with me) is to place him.
I've been lurking on this site for maybe a month and I am so happy that I found it. It's nice to have someone that hears what you are saying, probably has already experienced all of this and just "knows".
Thank you for letting me vent.
I'm happy that you've found this site. You will find a lot of good advice and support here from people who have been in your situation.
You are right to make a plan to have your FIL placed. Please don't let anyone talk you out of it because many will.
siunds like your husbands siblings dumped him on you because you have experience in the field.
Either he or you need to leave, make that clear to your husband.. I hope your husband chooses you.
He needs to see the doctor or Neurologist for a diagnosis and you need plan B for his care. This is not "normal old person behavior" as the others who don't want to be bothered with him are telling you! Obviously.
It's absurd to me that you cannot speak to your husband about HIS father, especially that you've been saddled with his care and management. Take dh into the bedroom and lock the door! Give FIL a sugary snack and tell him to sit in front of the tv for awhile. Tell dh you can't go on like this. Hire an in home caregiver on dad's dime, too, to give YOU respite.
I'm sorry you're going thru such a thing. Best of luck making yourself heard and getting FIL placed.