Aunt distressed due to unkind words. What should I say?
I posted this 4 hours ago under "Relationships" and got no response so I don't think people are seeing that. Here is the problem. Someone told my Aunt that I was telling "everyone" that she was "demented" (I would never use that word). My Aunt is suffering from some spells of confusion and has done some strange things. We believe it to be signs of early dementia, confirmed by a nurse and social worker. These spells were reported to me by my dad who is living with her, my sister who is now staying with her while my dad is in the hospital and by some caregivers who are following up with her after a couple days in the hospital. Her social worker (who was one of the people reporting this) told me she has to go to assisted living. So I told her POA that he may need to step up in the near future beause of this and I detailed what had been going on. I don't understand why someone would hurt my aunt like this. It really could have been anyone the POA told about this. And it seems he has spoken to several about it. He was surprised to have been the POA and did not want the job. But the real problem is that now she is very upset with me. I guess I need to tell her that her spells of confusion are concering? Maybe this is for the best as she may need to take medicine to slow down the progression. I really did not want to be the one to tell her. (She is not really our responsibility but had suddenly become our responsibility since she suddenly moved in with my dad. She has no children.) I was thinking of saying first of all that "I love her and deeply respect her and that she is extraordinarily sharp (which is true). But it's been noticed that she has spells of confusion. And maybe it's a UTI that we can get checked out, but if it isn't then it's probably good to be aware of it and maybe seek medication or a diagnosis." Does that sound like what I should say? Or should I just let it blow over? She does have a pretty good memory so it's not like she will forget it. It's the spells of confusion where she does some really nutty things (and once a dangerous thing) that are the issue with her. And she recounts these episodes with no apparent worry about them.
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4 hours is not really that long to not get a response. Right now its about 11am EST. 4 hours ago I was in bed as was most of the US and Canada. So no one up to reply to ur post.
I do remember your post concerning Dad in the hospital and Aunt still in his house. First, as a POA the person should not be telling anyone about Aunts dementia other than people who will be involved in her care. Second, Aunt may not have repeated it the way it was said to her. She probably realizes something is just not right and won't admit it. To go to an AL she needs to have money.
You can tell her your sorry but Demented is not the word you used. That you are worried that she is showing signs of Dementia and that she needs testing to rule it out. Labs will show any physical problem. Could be something as simple as low potassium. Then explain she cannot live there anymore. That if Dad comes home he can't take care of her, and she can not care for him. That u feel she would be happy in a nice AL having her meals cooked for her. A nice place to herself. Socialization, activities and entertainment. Sorry, we cannot care for you, we will have enough on our hands with Dad. Harsh but true.
I had to sign off on being Mum's Executrix as well.
This is in BC Canada.
A long time ago Mum was POA for a friend, but was removed, because of meddling by the sons. Soon the friend was under the public guardian. Fast forward 20 years or so, the friend died and the Public Trustee calls Mum to say you are the Executrix. Its been almost 3 years and the estate is not yet settled.
I ask because of a conversation I remember having with my mother. She was asking me to help her with a list of health complaints for the doctor - things that I noticed were going on. When I mentioned her memory wasn't as sharp anymore, she jumped on me "I DO NOT have dementia!!" I just stared at her and said "mom, I never said or even suggested dementia. But your memory hasn't been sharp lately. There are other reasons that happen besides dementia."
It could very well be that whomever relayed your legitimate concerns about your Aunt's memory never, ever used the word "dementia" or "demented", or even insinuated such, but that's what your aunt perceived the conversation to be. Especially if dementia is something that your aunt fears is happening or might happen.
Unfortunately, this is going to come down to a "he said, she said" scenario. If you feel the need to apologize, just leave it as "I'm sorry if anything I said hurt your feelings, it was most certainly not intentional. I am just concerned about your well being." And in the future, if you have any concerns about your aunt's health, maybe speak directly to her about them, rather than try to go through a middle-man, so to speak. At least that way, you have absolute control over how your thoughts are being conveyed to her.
Also, it's not necessarily the God's honest truth if a social worker, nurse, or caregiver says that a person has to go into assisted living.
Your aunt does not live alone. She lives with her brother. She has outside help who come in (caregivers). Granted agency-hired caregivers are obligated to report every little thing back to the agencies they work for. The result of having social workers in a situation is usually a push for a care facility. You might not know this, but social workers receive incentives for placements into care facilities, so keep that in mind.
Speak to your aunt's POA. Maybe they would be agreeable to changing it over to you because clearly this person has zero discretion if they go around referring to your aunt as 'demented' and it gets back to her. You'd do far better by her I'm sure.
Tell her POA to resign from the position if he doesn't want it. Then you can involve APS that you have a vulnerable Aunt with nobody in a position to help her.
This must be very frightening for her. Being so very old and not having put a care plan in place and not having anybody that wants her. No guilt, I get it. It's just sad that people don't plan for getting old and expect some family member will step in without ever asking them or speaking about it. It's selfish and manipulative.
You said her nurse and social worker confirmed memory issues and that she was recently in the hospital - did they test her for a UTI then? Does she have a primary dr or in home health nurse that can do a urine sample?
If you do not think she has been tested for a UTI and feel this could be the cause of her issues and have no nursing/dr contact for her then I would try speaking with her and tell her you have noticed some things and it could be something as simple as an infection and want to help her (I wouldn’t even speak about the “if it’s not”a UTI - let a dr test and then let them help guide this if it’s not an infection). I would try to get her strictly on doing a simple urine test - even if you have to do so by saying something like “I had a friends mom or grandma recently have the same thing happen and it was just a simple infection”. Best wishes
You need to rule out anything physical with Aunt causing the problem with Labs. Low B12 will cause problems. Thyroid, diabetes, low potassium, dehydration, these and more can cause Dementia like symptoms. If she can afford an AL, she can afford the proper testing. Mredicare will pay for most of it.
Actually, your dad being in hospital and possibly not able to return to the home may help you with dad and aunt. Talk to aunt now about her brother being sick and the doctors are saying he might not be able to come back home. Also, she has private caregivers who have concerns about her being alone all day now and they might report her being alone for certain periods of time when they are not there with her. Tell her that whatever dr says about dad might mean they will both need to go to a place to get 24hr care. See how that goes.
If aunt and dad have enough money to pay 24 hour care, then use the money. If either of them does not have the funds, I would try to transition both of them to a facility for care and for safety issues.
If you could get them into the same facility, they would both be better off. Someone familiar every day around them. This might also make it easier to be POA (who has med POA) for both of them and you could handle paperwork for both...or ask brother w/POA if he will do it and you'll help him.
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