I had no idea my 82-year-old mother had began a process to starve herself to death in October. On Thanksgiving, she passed out and fell, severely injuring her foot. No one told me about that either. Her husband got her into bed where she continued to starve herself and deprive herself of fluids.
When I visited on December 23, she'd starved herself for close to a month and had stopped drinking. She was in bad shape. I was completely shocked that she was doing this willfully. Even so, she refused to go to the hospital. Afraid she was depressed and not in her right mind, I got a caseworker involved.
She still refused medical care until the caseworker finally talked her into going to the ER on December 27. She was, of course, admitted. Her ankle was broken from the fall and she was only semi-conscious and seemingly close to dead from starvation and dehydration.
During her first week at the hospital, it seemed like she was on the verge of death in a stupor. Numerous doctors said she'd die within a week or less without a feeding tube.
I wanted them to put in a feeding tube in, but her husband wouldn't agree to do that. I began a legal battle as doctors said her husband was mentally incompetent. The IV gave her some hydration, and she came to a bit and was able to refuse a feeding tube.
An MRI revealed that she'd had two major strokes, one of which might have caused her fall. A doctor convinced me that these strokes, along with her broken ankle, which couldn't be surgically repaired, would greatly decrease her quality of life. So I quit fighting for the feeding tube and decided to honor my mother's wishes. Grief consumed my every waking moment.
On January 4th, my mother's IV was removed, and we waited for death to come. A few days later, a doctor warned that her organs were failing and it wouldn't be long now.
I rushed out and purchased a funeral plan for her.
My mother had been in the hospital 15 days and was on the verge of death and in a semi-coma on January 10 when the hospital decided to boot her out as she'd ran out of insurance. Even nursing homes wouldn't take her. Instead of letting me know, they sent her home, via an ambulance, with a relative who's not immediate family.
I was, and still am, aghast. I can't even express what heartache and grief this decision caused me. I'd wanted to take her to my home.
Today, January 12th, it seems my mom is back from the dead. That relative who took her home decided to hydrate my mother. I learned that she has been giving her tea, pop, and applesauce. When I visited her, my mother was talking and was more lucid than I've seen her in a while. It seemed miraculous and shocking.
Now I'm wondering what will come. Death? Or will my mother recover even though she has sustained extensive organ damage? I have been grieving these past few weeks, and I came to accept the loss, but now I feel kind of up in the air and confused. I'm afraid to be happy about this development as she still may die due to the way she'd abused her frail body. This whole thing has put her, me, and other family members through certain hell.
Both my mom and grandma have been in similar states. Mom was semi catatonic for a while. She wasn't unconscious but she couldn't be roused to full alertness for more than a second or two. It was so bad that family flew in from all over the country for the end. The hospital wanted to send her to a SNF. I decided to take her home instead.
Grandma entered the SNF in pretty good shape, she had a fracture. She also left in a semi unconscious state. It was impossible to rouse her at times. So much so that I thought she was dead. They wanted to send her to a hospice house. Not just hospice at home, but a hospice house. Where people go for their last few days. I decided to take her home too.
Both of them pulled out of it. I did the same for both. They wouldn't eat or drink. The traditional death spiral for the elderly. I nag them to drink nutritional drinks. Every 5 minutes I would stick a straw in front of their mouth. Maybe 1 out of every 10 times they would take a sip. For weeks, if I got a 8 oz nutritional drink into them over the course of a day, it was a good day. But you know, they started drinking more and more. It topped out at 3 nutritional drinks a day before I stopped giving them more. Now both are pretty much eating normally again. Both are in fairly good shape. Mom is in better shape now than before this happened. That was 2 years ago. If grandma could walk again, she would also be back to normal. But with everything and the resulting loss of bone and muscle mass, I don't think that's going to happen at this point.
For both of them, dehydration was the thing that cause the loss of cognition. The brain goes haywire when there's not enough water. So taking care of that was what address the big problem. Once that was taken care of, the rest took care of itself. It sounds like that's what your relative did for your mom. I wonder how many people die in facilities simply because no one takes the time to make sure they eat and drink enough. That's how my grandpa died. He starved himself to death. He simply loss interest in eating and drinking. The same as mom and grandma for a while. Looking back, I could have probably saved him.
I wanted so badly to take my mother home too, but a relative managed to get control of her. The hospital arranged what they said was an "informal" meeting to discuss my mother's care. I couldn't get there as there was an ice storm that day, but my mom's third cousin, a drug addict, attended and managed to talk them into letting her care for my mother.
I believe my mother's body is far too damaged for her to pull out of it, but she may linger and suffer for much longer. She didn't forget to eat--she did this purposely because she wanted to die. I think she was depressed due to my brother's death two years ago.
I often think that I could have saved her too had I stayed in touch more and found out earlier, but I had some major health issues myself.
Perhaps it would be best to take one day at a time, and leave the processing for when you have an overall perspective that you can't possibly have now while it's all still happening.
Is the caseworker still involved? What was the outcome of the legal action you took to remove your stepfather's decision-making authority? I suppose what I'm asking is: who is now in control of your mother's choices, your mother or somebody else?
Today, my mother was back in semi-coma mode. She couldn't speak to me when I visited, but I guess she was talking early this morning and told her caregiver that she would die this week. Her caregiver said she also consumed some Jello today.
A caseworker is involved but I've only heard from her twice through this entire ordeal. I didn't pursue legal action as there was no time to. I also can't afford costly legal bills. The state was talking about getting a guardianship but never pursued it either.
Her husband is still in control of her medical choices. The relative who took her home, which is my mom's third cousin, also has a great deal of control as she's caring for my mother. I fear she's hitting my mom's morphine as she's a known opiate addict. I also believe that she's keeping my mom alive longer by giving her fluids so that she can continue to access my mother's morphine, which is given via a drop on the tongue.
I also fear that she has been exploiting my mom and stepfather financially and she's handling my stepfather's finances. So this has been hard to deal with on top of everything else. It's something I need to talk to the caseworker about.
If you have a DNR written and hospice, hospital , in my case, dismissed us. and sent momback to her board , and care.
If your mom survives, then ask the doctor for evaluation for pallilative care and/or hospice care. Perhaps they will come to her at the home.
Keep talking with mom, if she can get up and walk do that, if she likes music, play, play her favorit movie, and family n friends come around and talk with her. HUbby needs to be evaluated too. Maybe he is getting dementia, and cannot bear the thought that his wife needs help... Get him to see the doctor as well....
Baby steps, one day at a time. Make them their favorite food. Perhaps you can visit senior care centers or apartments together with both of them, get a free tour and lunch. Make them happy
Other answers are more appropriate.
GEt hospice on board.. .They will monitor the morphine. ASK HOSPICE TO STEP IN AND EVALUATE HER... GO THROUGH HER DOCTOR AND ASK THE DOCTOR IF SHE A CANIDATE. IF NOT THEN PALLIATIVE CARE.
While I agree, starving oneself to death isn't an optimal way of going about it but should she arrive in hospital in critical condition again, at least if her wishes were written out in a legal affidavit they might be carried out.
It must be so hard to understand the depths of despair she must have been feeling to wish to end her own life and I am sure she didn't realise just how much it would impact your life, depression and grief are such a terrible experience for so many, especially after the loss of a child, even a grown one. It is such a sad sad situation, and I am truly so very sorry for your loss.