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Your first responsibility is to your spouse and children if applicable. Especially if you don't own a guest house and have a nurse to care for him. These are all things that should have been worked out years ago. We are all getting older and we should all have a plan and that plan should not include imposing on our children and potentially destroying their lives. You are absolutely not being selfish 10 months is more than most people would stand for. Of course, without knowing much about his disposition and special needs if any, 10 months may have been a very long time, I hope that isn't the case, no matter what it's time for a change or you would not have made this post and I certainly would expect your spouse to understand this. I'm sure you did not sign up for this when you married him / her. if you have read any of my posts, I'm sure I sound severe, but my barometer is what would I do to my children and I would absolutely never impose upon any of them. I want to give to them not take from them. I did not bring my children into this world to have indentured servants later on. I wish you the best.
1st, NO, YOU ARE NOT BEING SELFISH! 2ND, We do need more info. That being said, I have had my FIL in our home X11 years now, and I too am fed up! But every situation is different, and had I known what I know now, I would have definitely done things differently for sure! Please tell us more, and I would be happy to share my story with you, but I don't want to skew your responses. It is a great place to vent and get good insight, Great people here!
I had my dad with me for 15 months while also taking care of a son who has autism and seizures. I could not do both and the stress got too much for me. I do not feel guilty at all about my father now living in an assisted living facility near me which is much more appropriate for his needs. Neither of my parents took care of their parents and that is how I won the argument with my dad that he had no right to feel entitled to my taking care of him 24/7. I still am in charge of my dad's finances, doctor visits, etc., etc. but my husband and I and my son have our own space to breathe and be a family.
Generally, selfishness has nothing to do with it - what you are probably experiencing is the dawn of reality. We all have lovely cuddly ideas about opening up our arms and our homes but in very short order the romance wears off. So you'll get nothing but sympathy from me: could you say a little more about what the situation is?
What is it with OP's who ask questions and never come back with the aditional info we ask of them, all in the name of trying to hepl? GRRRR, what a waste of time! Quite passes me off if you didn't notice! Lol!
Excuse me but I have been a little busy caring for above mentioned FIL and dealing with some other personal issues. Have not had time to respond, Did not realize this blog would be so judgemental. Guess I will keep my concerns to myself.
Ok will try to summarize the situation: FIL is 100 years old; very good health aside from balance (walker dependent) and visual limitations. No dementia though some recent minor changes. . My husband is only child; we live 800 miles away; frequent trips to visit FIL had become more frequent (no family vacations for past 5 years) FIL had been living alone in own home until he fell and broke his pelvis, needed 24 hour supervision for recovery. Rather than put him in facility in his locale, we moved him to our home for convenience, better care and cost. Really thought he was on his way out after the fall. TLC from us; three meals/day; change in diet to stabilize digestion....healthy as a horse today. We are in our 60s; planning to retire soon and move closer to my extended family until now. He can dress, toilet and ambulate without assistance (needs bathing help). BUT needs 24/7 supervision due to balance and insistance on doing exactly what we tell him not to do for safety reasons. We have baby gates up at night to keep him from wandering around house in dark; many conversations about rules etc. Very manipulative and controlling; all meals etc on his schedule or he gets mad. His bedroom and bathroom are on main floor adjacent to family room so we have essentially lost the use of that room and bathroom. Cannot leave the house together; cannot entertain; have to coordinate all of our required activities (work/meetings etc - I have dropped out of several organizations where I played a key role due to scheduling conflicts). We have three grown children in various parts of the country who are very supportive but cannot come relieve us. Husband won't put him in a facility. Will hire home health care when absoultely necessary (very expensive) (Did I mention all this happened at the exact same time that my dad was hospitalized and subsequently died - in another state; my mother is not well; I have had to - and want to - be with my family off and on during the past 10 months) Am sure there is much much more, but perhaps that gives you some background for my question. Marriage was already a bit rocky - now is kind of in fragments. Sanity is.....???
staceyb, I agree with you about posters who seem to disappear after posting. But, good grief girl, 20 hours is not disappearing! I think you are out of line to complain about not getting instant responses.
ekpd49 -- marriage was a bit rocky before FIL moved in? I can imagine this hasn't helped a thing. Have you sought marriage counseling? Do you intend to? Is the marriage worth saving? You have grown children. Presumably you have been through a lot together. This straw that is breaking the camel's back of your marriage -- could it be a wakeup call that it is really time to work on that relationship? Could something good come of this?
I don't imagine your sanity is at its most stable right now. Your Dad died. Your mother is ill and needs some of your attention. Those facts in themselves would be very difficult to deal with. And just when you need a steadying and supportive hand as you mourn and cope, you have another person to deal with and your marriage goes from rocky to tatters. Oh you poor dear! Seriously, the stress level here must be off the chart.
I suggest not doing anything permanent right now. Too much stress to decide things calmly. But what if you took a three month break from the entire situation? (Could you arrange that at work?) Vist your mother for a few weeks. Go off and visit one of your children. Go back and see how Mom is doing. On to another child, etc. Dealing with his father alone may be eye-opening for your husband. Being separated may give you each time to consider the value of your marriage and what you want to to about it.
jeannegibbs - Thanks for the support. Don't think the 3 month plan would float - who would care for FIL when spouse is at work? (Have already been gone out of town quite a bit to deal with my family).. Can't afford outside help that often. And he would never get any time to himself (FIL follows around like puppy dog or hollers to him to play attention). We haven't even gone out to dinner together in 10 months so getting away for counselling isn't going to happen. Kind of in denial right now, but as the holidays approach I just want my house back so my kids can come home and have something normal. The smiling rosy cheeked grandpa in the Christmas pictures, joining in the cookie making and gift wrapping is NOT the scenario here. Absolutely do not see how any of you have been doing this for years. Honestly stacyb - 11 years. I would have shot myself in the head by now!!
ekpd49, Your mother is sick. What would your husband think about her coming to live with you? I raise this as a discussion point, not as suggestion.
Who would care for FIL when hubby is at work? And he would never get any time to himself? That is kind of the point. Let Hubby experience what you experience and see if he still insists FIL is not going to a facility. His plan only works if you do the role he has assigned you. Is this a role you are comfortable with? Doesn't seem so.
Ek, what are FIL ' S finances like? Are you being paid for caregiving? (I'm assuming you are not working outside the home, if I'm wrong correct me). Are you using FIL ' S funds to pay outside caregivers?
You state your husband won't permit his father to go to a lovely well kept Assisted Living facility, but DOES allow his wife to be driven to the brink of insanity and divorce. Hmmm. I think I'd take that as an invitation to go visit a lawyer to talk about what the terms of the divorce would be.
Does your husband realize you are unhappy with this situation?
I have posted here several times and not gotten back right away. I am 53 my sister died 2 years ago I take care of mom and dad , work full time as a RN and now I'm on chemo for my psoriatic arthrits .i think the OP was just fine and let's try to be kind , give a little we Are under stress and can only do so much in one day . Stacyb ,we need to take a deep breathe and center our chi ,I think you were out of line. It was less than a day . Heck I've posted and haven't been back for 2 weeks .. I'm busy stuff happens.
Now for the Op , you have a lot on your plate . Have you contacted the senior services center for respite? My mom goes to,senior day care while I'm at work or just for a day off from her from me. You should contact the senior services in your area and see what they can offer you in the way of help. I can send you hugs and prayers please keep us posted !
You must feel desperate. I'm so sorry, what a terribly stressful period of life this is for you.
Number one, no you are not being selfish. It is not selfish to feel all kinds of things - frustration, resentment, a sense of injustice, for example - in your circumstances. It isn't anybody's fault or intention, but the way your families' history is panning out is Not Fair. You have every right to raise objections.
But, so, what are the options? Given a completely free rein, just for the sake of argument, where would everyone be living in your ideal scenario?
P.S., no, I don't think that you are being selfish (is someone suggesting that you are?)
You are trying to balance the needs of your other family members, your FIL, your husband and your own well-being.
I'm very curious about two things. You say that bringing FIL to your home got him better therapy, less cost after his fall. I don't know how that works out, because wouldn't inpatient rehab (therapy 2 day some places) be paid for by Medicare? I know that the rehab that my mom got inpatient was a whole different animal from what she'd gotten at home.
You seem to be very concerned about your husband's well-being. (He would have no time to himself?). It seems to me that you could stand to be a little MORE selfish at this point.
Caregiving is a balancing act. FIL is 100. A friend of my mom's passed recently, at 106. Can you do this for another 6 years? Think of how to make it bearable and do - able for 6 years. Is that Al, respite care, Adult Day care? You state you want to move? How about moving closer to your family, into a small apartment. Dad can go to an AL nearby.
It sounds as though FIL moving in was a decision made hastily when it looked like he was near death. That part of the equation has changed, and your plans need to change as well.
I agree with Jean Gibbs, and I must say I have found this site to be a very warm and fuzzy place and I think if you continue to read on, you will agree with me. These people actually take the time to listen and we are all in the same boat to some degree. Your situation sounds extraodinarily difficult and I believe it's time for you to either have a sit down with your spouse and pour your heart out, or as Jean says, get away for a little while. be creative there are usually ways around things if you try hard enough. like someone said to me, sad as it is fil will not live forever...none of us will which is why it is vitally important to live our best possible life. Hopefully your marriage will outlast this sad situation. try to remember that your children and your husband are your first priority.and you should be your husband's first priority. I didn't make the rules, but I plan to live by them.I wish you all the best and I will pray for resolution that suits you and yours.
after reading all of these other posts, I realize my problem is much more simple then I'm letting it be. A wise man said it won't be easy but it will be simple. Daddy has long term care insurance that will pay up to $5,000 a month. mom would have benefited greatly with her Alzheimer's, but the insurance doesn't kick in until after three months. She was so happy with all her friends in that facility, but she died 3 months after she moved in. My dad selfishly did not want to give her up even though she asked him to let her stay when they visited the facility one time. he would simply just take her for short drives, and then take her home and tell her to be quiet and sit still all day everyday. its not really his fault because he was elderly himself and completely unable to care for her. he allowed my husband and I to almost kill ourselves trying to take care of her and all the family businesses.One person mentioned that possibly a family member could come in and be paid by that insurance, but they will not pay a family member. they're pretty shrewd as I'm sure there were so many abuses of the system...family members down on their luck possibly even drug addicts sucking up all that money for their own selfish needs while neglecting their elderly relative...I can absolutely tell you when my dads mother became elderly and needy, he made sure she had no assets in her name and despite her repeatedly begging to move in with us... He had four brothers who would have gladly shared the burden, but he simply told her she was old and needed care he did not want to or need to be bothered by it. He and my mother had 55 great years together...mostly because he stood up for himself and did not allow anyone to get in his way. His answer to all of that was you are old now I still have my life to live and I'm not going to spend it taking care of you. that grandmother died in a state facility. he never once even spoke to my mother's father, once he became ill with Alzheimer's. Daddy could not be bothered with that. that will be a good argument for me to use when I have the talk with him. his dementia continues to worsen, it has been suggested that my husband and I don't even tell him we are moving. I'm considering that as well. the thing that is taking us all down is guilt. Somehow daddy was able to dodge that bullet. I guess you could call him selfish but he lived a first-rate life.I don't like the word selfish,however self-preservation comes to mind and seems more appropriate. btw, when I had my bone marrow transplant, daddy never came to visit me once in the hospital. Anyone who has been through that procedure knows how miserable it is. It would have been a 25 minute drive for him.
ByeBye, I apologize for the snarky response,I honestly didn't see that you had only just posted your question, but the question was extremely close to my own and it hit a nerve with me! Sorry for jumping the gun! Many know that my FIL has lived with us X 11 years now, and it is a very difficult situation. We had only just lost both my parents to horrific illnesses, and my husband's Mom too, all within a 14 months span of time. We were still grieving, and he immediately moved in with us. We honestly didn't have time to think things through. He was 74 at the time, and he is 86 now. Initially, he was only scared to live alone, as he had never beenalone in his life, wwhich I understood, but to be honest, we should have hadhim live in his own nnearby apartment, and we could have helped him to be independent, and learn how to interact with other people his own age. But 11 years later, he is very weak and frail, a serious fall risk, and we dare not leave him alone for more than an hour or two at most. Our life is not our own. Where we used to entertain, listen to music, and enjoy our lives, now we are tethered to the house and him, and he has sucked all of the joy from our lives. He is controlling, unappreciative, and rude. Things I never knew before hand. He just wants to sit in his TV room watching old Western movies and the news, says he is happy doing so, says he isnt depressed, and expects to be waited on and thinks up ways to send my husband on errands every day. It is getting old, and Yes, I want my Life Back! We will continue to care for him until we no longer can, but things will be changing, as I have every intention of having a Vacation with my husband, and he Will be paying for the Respite Care, as he is unable to be alone despite what he thinks. I am looking into Respite where he can stay for 1-2 weeks in an Assisted Living situation, and he will have to adjust, as hopefully it will become a more regular occurrence. It is very difficult living with someone who never even for one day ever cared for his own parents, not even when they were ailing, as his only sister did all of that. So he doesn't understand the importance of my husband and I having time alone together. He is very selfish. I hope you are able to work out a situation where you don't have to give up what are your biggest income earning year's, socking money away for your own retirement, and, your marriage. Think long and hard about your own future and desires!
bye-bye, this site is here to give honest reactions to each other's situations. We are sad to think you were offended. Your life is hard enough. Please see the love and concern beyond suggestions and ideas that we have. You don't have to change a thing, but sometimes other people looking in can see things that you find hard to accept. Change is hard. You can keep everything the same but sounds like you really don't want that either. I pray for your strength to try something one shift different. Life has a way of resolving things for us if we dare to step bravely forward in some way: minuscule or major.
You might even try a marriage counselor or go to one for your own growth.
Byebye, you are not selfish, but your dad sure is! Why do some people think that getting old entitles them to ignore decent moral behavior toward others? Why would anyone think this is OK on their part? (I'm not talking about dementia, but about elders who are competent).
I want to apologize for being off-topic with a couple of my answers. I'm still learning how this website works, and it's usually the middle of the night when I can't sleep and I read these posts. to make my opinion very clear you are absolutely NOT SELFISH to want FIL out of your home and to want your life back. I hope it's not too late for you and your husband. it is extremely trying on a marriage as well as your health to feel as though you are suddenly on a runaway train when that was never your intention. It's frightening and it can make us strike out at the people in our lives who we love and trust the most its only human. I hope you can find some resources in your community that can offer you some respite. You deserve it you only get one chance at this life. is there any chance you could have a heart to heart talk with fil?
Your not being selfish. I too have had my FIL move in with us over a year ago, and my wife cannot bear the thought of AL for him. He sold his house (stopped being a home after my MIL passed) and the majority of the sale is in an account for his future care. He has alzeimers starting, tons of health issues but doing reasonably good. But as I really want him to experience more in his last years as I believe he deserves it (AL has tons of activities/my home it is TV/computer eat sleep, repeat) my wife is content with that. My situation is only going to change if FIL has (1) Fall (2) medical issue (3) does something that he gets hurt doing, and MAYBE it will change. My marriage i believe is suffering as well. And my own dad has cancer again (2nd time in 5 yrs) and I want to help, but need to be there for FIL. So I can relate!! Good luck, but never forget you DO deserve a life as well.
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No.
Why did your FIL move in with you? What was the expectation at the time he moved in? Was this supposed to be temporary?
What are the feasible alternatives for FIL? Could he live alone? Group home? Assisted Living? Does he need skilled nursing care?
What is your spouse's attitude on this issue?
We are in our 60s; planning to retire soon and move closer to my extended family until now. He can dress, toilet and ambulate without assistance (needs bathing help). BUT needs 24/7 supervision due to balance and insistance on doing exactly what we tell him not to do for safety reasons. We have baby gates up at night to keep him from wandering around house in dark; many conversations about rules etc. Very manipulative and controlling; all meals etc on his schedule or he gets mad. His bedroom and bathroom are on main floor adjacent to family room so we have essentially lost the use of that room and bathroom.
Cannot leave the house together; cannot entertain; have to coordinate all of our required activities (work/meetings etc - I have dropped out of several organizations where I played a key role due to scheduling conflicts).
We have three grown children in various parts of the country who are very supportive but cannot come relieve us.
Husband won't put him in a facility. Will hire home health care when absoultely necessary (very expensive) (Did I mention all this happened at the exact same time that my dad was hospitalized and subsequently died - in another state; my mother is not well; I have had to - and want to - be with my family off and on during the past 10 months)
Am sure there is much much more, but perhaps that gives you some background for my question. Marriage was already a bit rocky - now is kind of in fragments. Sanity is.....???
I don't imagine your sanity is at its most stable right now. Your Dad died. Your mother is ill and needs some of your attention. Those facts in themselves would be very difficult to deal with. And just when you need a steadying and supportive hand as you mourn and cope, you have another person to deal with and your marriage goes from rocky to tatters. Oh you poor dear! Seriously, the stress level here must be off the chart.
I suggest not doing anything permanent right now. Too much stress to decide things calmly. But what if you took a three month break from the entire situation? (Could you arrange that at work?) Vist your mother for a few weeks. Go off and visit one of your children. Go back and see how Mom is doing. On to another child, etc. Dealing with his father alone may be eye-opening for your husband. Being separated may give you each time to consider the value of your marriage and what you want to to about it.
You are not selfish.
Kind of in denial right now, but as the holidays approach I just want my house back so my kids can come home and have something normal. The smiling rosy cheeked grandpa in the Christmas pictures, joining in the cookie making and gift wrapping is NOT the scenario here.
Absolutely do not see how any of you have been doing this for years. Honestly stacyb - 11 years. I would have shot myself in the head by now!!
Who would care for FIL when hubby is at work? And he would never get any time to himself? That is kind of the point. Let Hubby experience what you experience and see if he still insists FIL is not going to a facility. His plan only works if you do the role he has assigned you. Is this a role you are comfortable with? Doesn't seem so.
You state your husband won't permit his father to go to a lovely well kept Assisted Living facility, but DOES allow his wife to be driven to the brink of insanity and divorce. Hmmm. I think I'd take that as an invitation to go visit a lawyer to talk about what the terms of the divorce would be.
Does your husband realize you are unhappy with this situation?
Now for the Op , you have a lot on your plate . Have you contacted the senior services center for respite? My mom goes to,senior day care while I'm at work or just for a day off from her from me. You should contact the senior services in your area and see what they can offer you in the way of help. I can send you hugs and prayers please keep us posted !
Number one, no you are not being selfish. It is not selfish to feel all kinds of things - frustration, resentment, a sense of injustice, for example - in your circumstances. It isn't anybody's fault or intention, but the way your families' history is panning out is Not Fair. You have every right to raise objections.
But, so, what are the options? Given a completely free rein, just for the sake of argument, where would everyone be living in your ideal scenario?
You are trying to balance the needs of your other family members, your FIL, your husband and your own well-being.
I'm very curious about two things. You say that bringing FIL to your home got him better therapy, less cost after his fall. I don't know how that works out, because wouldn't inpatient rehab (therapy 2 day some places) be paid for by Medicare? I know that the rehab that my mom got inpatient was a whole different animal from what she'd gotten at home.
You seem to be very concerned about your husband's well-being. (He would have no time to himself?). It seems to me that you could stand to be a little MORE selfish at this point.
Caregiving is a balancing act. FIL is 100. A friend of my mom's passed recently, at 106. Can you do this for another 6 years? Think of how to make it bearable and do - able for 6 years. Is that Al, respite care, Adult Day care? You state you want to move? How about moving closer to your family, into a small apartment. Dad can go to an AL nearby.
It sounds as though FIL moving in was a decision made hastily when it looked like he was near death. That part of the equation has changed, and your plans need to change as well.
You might even try a marriage counselor or go to one for your own growth.