My father-in-law has Parkinson's and has a catheter due to having blood in his urine and blockage of the uretha. The blood has cleared up, and he will be having a procedure this week to see if the problem can be resolved. He is currently in a nursing home and is receiving physical therapy to help with balance and strength. When we visited him, he was crying to get him out because he doesn't want to die there. He has lived with us before for a brief period due to my husband being extremely concerned for their safety. Mother-in-law with Alzheimer's is living with her daughter 15 miles from the nursing home. It is no longer an option for my father-in-law to live with his daughter.
My question is how do we know if it is best for my father-in-law to live with us or stay in a nursing home? We will have a registered nurse with him for a minimum of 10 hours a day while we are at work. Has anyone else been in this situation? My husband feels like he is between a hard rock and a brick wall.
1. can you communicate with your father-in-law? does he understand your conversation?
2. Very few people pass away at home, usually in a hospital.If he is afraid he might be alone at his passing,gather the nurses that are
in charge of his care, with him and make sure every one knows they are to call you/husband at any sign your father-in-law is
declining. Do it in front of him to reassure him he will not be alone.
3.You and your husband need to talk about the impact it will have
on both of you. Coming home after work, tired and taking care of your father-in-law.
We brought our Dad home from the nursing home, it lasted 3 weeks, putting him back in the nursing home was devastating to
him and us. It has been very hard on usand our Mom.
Of course, dad has dementia and does not understand anything.
And does not remember 5 minutes anything you tell him.
I hope i have helped and have not added more burden. It is very
hard knowing the right thing to do. I would first try to reassure him that you will be with him at the end no matter where he is.
And most likely in a hospital and not at home. You & your husband are not doctors/nurses and can not give him the care he needs at that time, to make him comfortable.
Good luck to you!
1. they still have their marbles
2. are pleasant to be around (not demanding)
3. can agree to boundaries, and stay out of son/daughters personal business.
4. don't mind being left alone because they can entertain themselves.
5. don't mind the idea of a stranger looking after them when necessary.
Anyway, that's the short list I came up with.
There is an old adage that "It is easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission" I think this applies to your situation. Since you both work and must incur the expense of having an RN stay with him most of the day, the only difference would be that in the Nursing Home he would have 24/7 coverage. If he had a seizure or emergency during the night you would still have to rush him to the hospital so his passing might not be a lot less serene than if it occurred at the Nursing Home. The only way "bringing him home to die" would make sense is if he were receiving palliative care in a Hospice Program. So do not beat yourselves up over this. Your husband feels that he is between a rock and a brick wall because he has built that wall for himself. He is the only one who can knock it down. Help him realize that sometimes doing the right thing often feels crappy at the time but doing the wrong thing can come back to haunt us for many years later.
Stay strong, and get some medical advice, and then make that important decision...and move on from there.
Good luck!
Hap
When it comes to caring for an invalid family member, it is always a very sensitive and stressful process, as the sick person usually does not know or understand the entire situation and being the person, who understands the whole situation, can put you in a spot.
Perhaps, just hold him in your arms and let him feel your love for him and whisper in his ear that you love him very much and this is what you have to do for him.
Even if he does not understand when you talk with him, actions, sometimes, speak louder than words.
I wish you all the best and God bless.
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