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My boyfriend of 2 years the other night told me how he worries a lot about his best friend who struggles with degenerative health issues, and talked about how ideally would want all 3 of us to live together. Seems he at some point promised to support her and care for her when she has health issues. But he NEVER mentioned this EVER to me when we’ve discussed our future plans. I feel so blindsided. I didn’t want to come off as insensitive so I didn’t pry just that I was very surprised. Then he said “well of course your opinion matters. All I know is I am in love with you and want to grow old with you.” I just feel like no matter what I say, it will seem insensitive to Mary and her health issues and his commitment to help her. But at the same time, this is a big commitment on his part and doesn’t seem compatible with the relationship plans we’ve talked about. I know I need to have another talk but want to be delicate and not seem insensitive to Mary. Please see below for more context on the friendship and more details that may help/impact your feedback. Thank you in advance for your help and guidance!


*More background
I am 34 and have been dating my boyfriend Matt (42 years old) for 2 years. Before dating, we met in grad school in Boston and were best friends for 4 years. His other best friend was a young woman, Mary (31 years old), who he lived with in Kansas. She was the one that urged Matt for years to tell me how he felt, and was so happy when we finally started dating. I knew she struggled with some health issues and was on immune-suppressing medicine to deal with it (degenerative issues that affect her joints and some chronic pain issues). A couple years ago, Mary broke up with her boyfriend so she decided to take a travel work contract and move to the East Coast, a few hours away from Matt and I. Matt would visit about one weekend a month and often I’d tag along. For the 1.5 years of our relationship, Matt and I lived in Boston in our separate apartments and did usual relationship things like traveling, meeting each other’s families and planning our future together. Then COVID happened…our city announced there would be a lockdown. Mary had just broken up with her longterm boyfriend, so Matt left Boston to go stay with Mary (in case she got sick, this way she wouldn’t be by herself in case got COVID). After a few weeks, I left to join Mary and Matt and have been here ever since. It has been very difficult being a couple, and living with a third person (the apartment is small, and have little privacy). But I always felt very grateful to be here and to Mary for welcoming me. I also took a lot of comfort in the fact this was a temporary situation and Matt and I soon would get our own place.


The other night Matt got emotional about how scared he was about COVID because he knew if Mary contracted it she likely would get very sick and potentially could be fatal coupled with her other health issues. He said he wants to “always make sure she’s okay and not alone and struggling.” I probed to ask what he meant by that logistically, and he said he was happy with the current living situation with all 3 of us. And ideally we’d find a place with her, or at the least she’d live closeby. It seemed he had made a commitment to Mary and be her caretaker when her health gets bad.


But he’s NEVER mentioned this to me EVER, and we’ve had a lot of conversations about the future. And a surprise because before COVID, she seemed fine living independently, with only a 1x month visit from Matt. She also moved far away from her hometown, friends and family to this travel work position, so she only has Matt as potential support geographically close by.


It’s noble he’s made a promise to help a friend, but this feels like it goes WAY above and beyond the usual. And the type of living situation and caretaking he’s talking about with Mary is incompatible with what I want for us. I just don’t know what to do next. Thank you for your help

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There's a reason why he wants to caretake Mary. And I think it's that she rejected him long before the two of you became an item. The story I'm telling myself about this is that she used her disease to dissuade him, making him believe he wouldn't want to be involved with someone who had health issues. So now, with covid vulnerability and geographic changes, new possibilities exist and emerge (in his mind only?). I would start educating myself about ethical non-monogamy and start having clear discussions with both of them. Because it sounds like the communication coming from only him about this is unconscious and impulse driven and a set up for pain. There's a term called "PUD" in the polyamory world. "Polyamorous under duress". When one person in the relationship goes along with the other's desire to have more than one partner but doesn't feel great about it. It's a trust issue and it can work, but many ground rules and respectful boundaries need to be in place.
He sounds unskilled in how he is going about trying to set up this arrangement. Emotionally immature. Find guidance if you are curious about exploring it. But don't take on all the heavy lifting for something HE is proposing. That is his job. He should grow up and reckon with what his fantasy would mean for everyone. Do YOU love Mary enough to do this?
If it feels icky, just get out.
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h and P.S., there is no need to be delicate in your next discussion. Just say, “this won’t work for me.” No delicate explanation needed." MEPOWERS is right...
If this is not good for you , do not do it... No explanation necessary... tell him "Thank You, And The Best For You And Mary". I cannot do this "

clean and short no hard feelings.
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What you should do is get tested.
Pelvic Inflammatory Disease
Causes
Many types of bacteria can cause PID, but gonorrhea or chlamydia infections are the most common. These bacteria are usually acquired during unprotected sex. PID can occur from having unprotected sex with multiple partners. PID is an inflammation that can go undetected and untreated. It can also render a woman infertile.

Mayo Clinic describes how inflammation can lead to autoimmune disorders, and degenerative issues.

Just the messenger here. You can shoot me now.
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Seems your boyfriend has made a commitment to this friend as if she was close family. I applaud that he promised to "help" her, but that needs to be addressed more fully. Does this mean caring for her long term if she needs 24/7 care in a shared dwelling? Since he could never provide "round the clock" care by himself, does this mean he expects you to provide care as well? What types of care is he going to do: housekeeping, meals, transportation, hygiene...? How do you feel about doing these kinds of care? Does this mean paying her medical bills (which could be exorbitant)?

You may also need to discuss what kind of life you expect to live together if it is a "forever relationship." Children? Extended family? Couple time without others? Please consider that this is a series of discussions that will help you both to decide if "forever" is indeed what you want together.
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Tell him good riddance & go find someone who cares about you. His plan for you is to become his girlfriend’s caregiver. Not a good plan for you. He also sounds like a professional con man...
Hugs 🤗
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Sounds like Matt fell in love with Mary & doesn't know what to do now. He also loves you, I guess, but maybe he loves Mary 'more', if that makes any sense. If it were me, I'd pack up & leave b/c it's just way way WAY too much to expect you to be part of such a ridiculous arrangement where he's 'caring' for his best friend who doesn't even sound so dreadfully sick, if you ask me. Leave him to her, and go find yourself a man of your very own. Who wants YOU and ONLY you, and to devote all his time and attention and caring to YOU.

I'm sorry you were blindsided like this.

Wishing you the best of luck moving on and away from this mess.
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Before you do or say anything, sit down and have a long think, then sit down with BF and have heart to heart talk. Why if you two were making long term plans did he never tell you even mention to you, hint or say anything about what he promised another woman? And if he didn't tell you this, what else has he not told you.

It's one thing to take care of spouses parents, quite another to take care of you BF's female friend. My gut tells me this won't work. Relationships with just two people are hard enough. She moved away from friends and family, why; why wouldn't her family take care of her?

Sooooo many questions, not many answers.
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Here is what I am reading: He is taking advantage of your good nature. His lies are not honorable like you are making them out to be. Please take a step back and see what is really going on here. Your first mistake was moving in with them. Please make that your last mistake. Find someone who actually respects you rather than playing you.
As far as Mary goes, good grief, she has options of moving back closer to her family. Also, she should get vaccinated so he doesn't have to get all emotional with worry about her catching covid . YOU certainly don't owe her your future. That would be a hard no from me.
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I'm sure Matt is a good guy. He sounds very loyal and caring. It also sounds like Mary is a very nice woman. The problem is that you are 34 and you want marriage (and possibly children before you are too old to have them). That is simply not compatible with assuming ongoing close-up and personal care for another woman. You do not say exactly what Mary's degenerative health issues are, but it does not sound like they are necessarily life threatening...and at age 31 she will hopefully be around for years to come. There is no way he (and you) can assume this level of care and commitment for another person who is not your child.

Does Matt have a problem saying "no"? He may have just made some wild promises that he now feels he cannot back out of. So unfortunately it is up to you to lay down whatever ground rules you choose before it is too late. Know that your desires are not unreasonable at all, and that if he really wants to commit to you he will work to come up with alternative solutions that all of you can live with. Good luck!
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I’m not jumping to conclusions, just being aware of possible problems. You can decide if the other suggestions being made are at all relevant.

You’ve been ‘dating’ Matt for 2 years, and he’s 42. That’s quite old to settle down to a first marriage. You’ve known him earlier, but perhaps not so well. What has his relationship history been in the past? How long have his relationships lasted? Have you ever spoken to past partners? It might be worth checking. This is an important decision for you, and the more information you have, the better.

My DH2 was a first marriage for him, age 50, but we knew a lot about each other’s pasts before we both decided it was workable.
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Um, no. This is his way of trying to show you the door. You don't say if you have been having relations with this man (although I assume that), but I know too many men today who will have a marital type relationship with no commitment (actual marriage) with a young woman for a few years, and then move on to the next one. Finally, when the guy feels he is too old to play the field any longer, he may finally marry one. It sounds cynical, but it's kind of the way things work today. He can leave you at any time without looking back. My advice is to move on and consider it a valuable life lesson.

This guy basically wants you to take care of his friend. That takes some chutzpah. He's the one who made the promise to her. He is the one who should be making all the sacrifices if he is truly sincere. Somehow I doubt it.
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Yes it’s weird, but it may not be the end of you and Matt. There are plenty of posters where husband wants his dear old mother to move in, and wife doesn’t want it because she can see that their marriage will never be the same. Husband often gets called a Mommy’s boy, and other insults. If wife doesn’t agree to the threesome, sometimes the marriage does break up. Sometimes it doesn’t, because husband changes his mind. There may be a bit of bitterness, but it is likely to fade as mother’s needs increase and husband gets a better idea of how it would have worked out.

Rather than reject him as husband material, perhaps you could say no and wait and see how it works out. If you then leave and he stays with her, you have your answer. If you stay, remember that there are male/ female friendships that are very strong, but they aren’t all that common. Propinquity makes a lot of difference to physical attraction, so that’s one more problem than Mommy.

However my daughter ended up regretting having hung around for 6 years with a guy who couldn't make up his mind. Don't waste too much time on this.
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2021
MargaretMcKen, this situation is WAY different then some mama's boy moving his domineering mother in and she starts butting heads and competing with the wife for his attention.
LauraBeth's boyfriend wants her, himself, and this Mary person to live as a 'thrupple'. Everyone's an adult and can do what they what. If she's not a freak who wants to get down like that then she needs to leave the boyfriend and not give him another chance. If he's into that lifestyle then him and Mary should find a third person who is too.
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It is unusual but not unheard of.
The first thing YOU need to do is decide if this is an acceptable arrangement for YOU. If not then you have to say so and given that you probably have 1 option, move out.
The ball is then in Matts court. Is Matt going to keep his promise to Mary ? Or does he accept that you can not handle the situation and tell Mary that she needs to have someone else as her caregiver. That is his decision to make.
IF you can handle the situation there are a few things that you ALL should do.
Have a Contract drawn up. Strongly suggest a Lawyer one versed in Elder Care.
Outline the scope of caregiving. At what point will either he nor you be able to care for her.
WHO will do the caregiving? This is Matts friend the burden should be on him but we all know that it probably will rest on you.
How much will you both get paid for taking on this role?
Will you (or Matt) have POA?
Does Mary have family ? If so will they step in at some point? If you have POA will family be a problem?
Is there a possibility that at some point would Mary need a Guardian? Would either of you become her Guardian?

As for housing...
I would look for a place that has an In-Law suite or at least 2 "Main bedrooms" (aka formerly known as Master bedrooms) AND at least one of them on the first floor and handicap accessible.
As far as purchasing it, you will need a lawyer with 3 unrelated people going on the title.
If renting, look for the same
Splitting household expenses by 3.

Personal opinion this is not a situation that I would want to get into
You might want to turn the tables on Matt and ask how he would react and deal with the situation if you had promised a male friend the exact same thing.
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You know what to do next. Either take her in and be the primary caretaker, or step back from the boyfriend. Both may sound terrible, but walking away will be far less damaging to you in the long run.

I'm sure he's insisting he'll do all the grunt work of caretaking, but that won't be the reality. He'll want you to deal with bathroom/bathing tasks and it'll snowball from there. Ask the women on this site who got delegated to care for their Mother in Law. They're the ones stuck with most of the work, and when they get fed up, the husband calls his wife a heartless witch.

You indeed were blindsided. It's not so much him wanting to help someone as it is feeling the need to be everything for this 'friend' and not you. Whether he knows it or not, his heart is not 100% with you. I'm sorry it's like that.

You seem to be in different places when it comes to this relationship. You're hoping to build a long-term future with him. He is not thinking the same. He's wanting to put your future together on hold for the 'friend'. You're not as important to him as he is to you.

He needs to know how you feel about this and make it very clear that you're not on board. If he's willing to walk away from your relationship to care for the friend, you have your answer and need to go.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2021
Yeah, this appears to be the writing on the wall.

Thanks for spelling it out so clearly.

I don’t think the OP would consider being happy in a situation like her possible future husband has suggested.

She’s clearly disturbed by it or she wouldn’t be posting a concern about it.
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Good point about whether Mary has even been consulted about this plan, I had the same thought.
I imagine the restrictions that she has faced over the past year really brought home just how vulnerable she is and will be and he has maybe been brooding about it for a long time. Maybe they did make a pact in the past, but that's no different than all of those who promised a parent that they would never allow them to go into a nursing home. Unless there are details of abuse and dysfunction we don't usually tell those people to run for the hills, we tell them that with age comes the wisdom to figure out how to honour the spirit of the bargain if not the actual promise.
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I agree, CW.

The other thing I don't think anyone's asked is: what does Mary think about this? Has she even been consulted? I don't think we can assume that she's going to be any too keen on Matt's indefinite involvement in her life. He may feel (at this juncture, anyway) that true friendship demands his all, but that doesn't mean she's asked for it, or would even welcome it.
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I don't get why so many of you are judging this man based on a single conversation.
He has a long history with his friend and expressed concern for her future, his solution is way off base but doesn't make him a con man or any of the other things you all have labeled him, it just makes him very misguided. If the OP wants a relationship asking him to choose between them is not the way to secure it, honestly telling him that this idea is not acceptable and then working with him to find a more realistic way to support her makes more sense to me. It's only if he digs in his heels and insists that it becomes problematic.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2021
I don’t think that I would have to hear a man tell me more than once that he wanted another woman live with us. It doesn’t matter if it’s a single conversation or a dozen conversations, I would never agree to it.

If you were the OP what would your initial reaction be to that conversation?

I seriously don’t know how else the OP could have taken this conversation.

A friend is one thing, having a friend immediately live with a couple after they marry is strange.

Women want to marry independent men. Not a ‘momma’s boy or a man that is connected that closely to his friend.’

He’s either committed to his future wife or he isn’t.

I am a person who sees gray areas, not so much in this case.

He can absolutely show support to his good friend without her living with them.

The OP doesn’t say how the friend feels about all of this. She may not even desire to live with them. If she would want to live with them, then it’s truly strange.

Anyway, I don’t think any of us is judging them. It’s an observation of the situation.
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You have described this as a friendship between your husband and Mary. She is his best friend, not yours. If you have a good male friend, ask your boyfriend how he would feel if you invited that guy into your life together. He has asked your opinion and you know your opinion. You don't like it. She can live close by, like he suggested, but not with you, and he can continue the friendship and help her manage her health care, but you can tell him you would not be comfortable with him being her full time carer. Not out of jealousy, but rather for the sake of a deepening relationship between the two of you. Then depending on his answer, you make your choice on what to do next. I really don't like that Mary is either allowing or encouraging your boyfriend to choose her over you by depositing herself between the two of you.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2021
Oooooh, nice idea! I wonder how he would respond to a ‘good friend’ who happens to be a guy live with them.

He may get a better picture of how this isn’t a great way to start off a marriage.
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Hi LauraBeth,
I am a patient with Early Onset ALZ, diagnosed almost 5yrs ago. I got married way to young at the age of 20. Agreed to move from the Midwest, back to the East Coast. Once we moved back East, all hell broke loose. My so called wife had more boyfriends than the 14 yrs of our fake marriage. Over the 14 yrs, like you little issues kept popping up affairs by my fake wife, her cross addiction to alcohol and drugs. I kicked her out the door and told her I'd had enough.
I went out and met a woman who shared my faith and practiced it. We were friends for two years when I asked her if she'd like to go out on a date. On our first date, I asked her where she'd like to go on our Honeymoon. She immediately answered Australia. We dated for 2 yrs. Life does get in the way, I changed jobs about 9 mos., before we got married and didn't have enough time off to be able to go to Australia. We did have a great honeymoon. coming up in June my DW and I will be married 25yrs, include dating time 27yrs. Three kids.
Please stop and think about how third person seems to be taking first place in your boyfriends life. Now, if you all agree that this third person belongs in your lives, well, that is your decision and no one else's. Please stop and think about what is the best thing for you to do, then don't look back.
I am now in my early 60's. Divorcing the fake wife was the best thing I ever did. In spite of my diagnosis 5 yrs ago, we are very happy, never had a fight. We still hope to get to Australia, while I can still travel. My DW and these three children are the greatest gift I've ever known. My hope is that you are able to come up with the right answer for yourself and have a happy life.
God Bless you,
John
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AlvaDeer Mar 2021
JF, I love how you put that "please stop and think about how third person is taking first place in your boyfriends heart". That is BEAUTIFULLY put. And it sure says it all.
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LauraBeth, I'm pretty sure you already know what's going on here.
You aren't the only woman in your man's life. Matt has an open-ended relationship with his 'bestie'. If we were taking bets here, the good money would be on this relationship having been going on for a very long time. One or the other being single or even married doesn't affect the relationship they're in. You said he's happy with the arrangement of the three of you living together. There it is.
My friend, you are part of a 'thrupple'. At some point Matt and Mary (if they haven't already) will approach you about taking the relationship to the next level which is a menage de trois. I think you know what I'm saying here.
If you agree and are into that sort of thing, it's not my place or anyone else's to judge you. If you're not then you need to break up with your boyfriend and get the hell out of her house fast. Let them find some other woman interested in being a sister wife.
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LauraBeth,
Are you in love with a con artist and the two of them are a team?
Your situation does not sound sustainable.

I am guessing that if you look very closely, the finances are also a bit skewed in this relationship, and you may have other complaints not yet expressed.

I think that you might feel a lot better about yourself if you just end the relationship. You don't need the drama this man brings to your life.
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Two’s company. Three’s a crowd.

The cute television show with John Ritter, Three’s Company was entirely different. They were not romantically involved with each other.

You already know in your gut that this doesn’t sit well with you. Follow your instincts on this situation.

Of course, you aren’t being insensitive to Mary. You want a traditional ‘man and woman’ marriage.

Forgive me, but I had an image of a crazy reality show (Sister Wives) flash across my mind as I read your posting.

Have you ever watched that stupid show?

Can you imagine making plans with three people in the house?

Your possible future husband will always want Mary’s opinion on important issues because she wouldn’t be a guest in your home. She would be sharing your home PERMANENTLY!

My gosh, it can be hard enough making decisions with only two people!

I would think that Mary would start to feel like a third wheel after you married.

Did your boyfriend tell you how she responded to his offer of the three of you living together?

Why on earth would he discuss it with her before discussing it with you?

🚩 That’s a RED FLAG if I ever saw one.

My instincts would tell me to move on.

This isn’t about your insensitivity, nor jealousy or insecurity.

This is about him being insensitive to YOU! It’s also about him truly not having a grip on reality if he thinks that you would be happy in this situation.

I would wonder if there are any other secrets that you don’t know about and you would find yourself housing anyone else in the future.

Find someone that will be devoted to you. You deserve to start off your marriage privately.

Remember that three is a crowd.

Best wishes to you.
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2021
You nailed it with 'sister wives', NeedHelpWithMom. My guess is the two of them have been in an open-ended relationship for years and want to become a 'thrupple' with LauraBeth.
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Sounds like you're already "the other woman" in his mind.

Cut and run.

Fast.
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MAYDAY Mar 2021
plain and simple....in writing..
hope you can do this... QUICKLY...

you can give him "support" by saying I am praying for you two...
just know you do not have to be the caretaker of a woman, that a man you like ,wants to or thinks he needs to care for...
they are not your issue....
I would not want to live with a man who is "taking" care of a woman who is NOT a real relative...ie: mom, grandma, sister, aunt, cousin, or anyone with a "grand" or Great-Grand" in the title.
For some reason, he needs to take care of her.... That is good. YOU do NOT need to take care of THEM... Unless you want to..
Good Luck... I wish all 3 of you the best.
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Oh gosh,,,, they have COVID..

YOU HAVE BROKEN HEART DISEASE....

What to do now?... Yup... it's easy to say get ooooouuuuttttt.

But now your feeelings haave beeen compromisseeed...

34... are you looking to have kids? is this part of the issue? I just met someone who had a kid at 49 years of age... How did she do this? Very hard..... I told her she really wanted this.. and I know how hard she worked to get this little person.. :) At your are it is hard.. been there done that.... Is it right for everyone? not sure.... but my kid doesn't want marriage or kids... do I say this is right or wrong? NO, It is not my choice..
I also no a wonderful woman who wanted a child... and got her.. the delivery was not the best.. but those 2 gals are fine... no dad in mind...
mom and daughter are great.... !! happy even in these times... but they are fine...
so, it is possible ... whatever you want.... and if it's the man you want... well,,, there are others, but if he is the one.... for you... try again..... to get him... if he cannot see just the 2 of you.... re-route your thoughts brain and heart...
the conclusions come out the same... ..

well know you did your best, wish them the best... Thank them ... just thank them.. no hard feelings... just bless them.... him, her, and you......
pray pray pray... perhaps it will go your way.
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You found a caring man, but his heart is taken.

Cut loose.

Just maybe, later, he will see a way to be a friend to Mary without being her full-time caregiver... but even IF, it may take too much time.

If you are looking for the full package: partner, marriage, babies - you may need to decide now. Settle for a piece of a part-time partner only... or cut loose to give room for more.

I hope you find the right path for you.
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The commitment Matt made to Mary is the one made at the altar "For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to death do us part." In other words, Marriage. Since he is already married to Mary, I don't think you want to commit bigamy.
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I think you said it all when you said this type of caregiving is not compatible with what you want for your relationship. It’s just not what you want or need for your life. And it was kept from you - it’s wasn’t as if he was already in a caregiving situation, or transparent about his “promise” whether it was a parent, child or friend - male or female. You were not part of this promise nor were you asked. And he sprung it on you after you moved in and gave up your apartment with Covid as some sort of excuse. Don’t let anyone make you feel as if you are being insensitive. He’s the jerk here! As someone who is happily married, I would never make big life decisions without discussing things with with my spouse. And prior to getting married we laid everything on the table. If you were my daughter I would tell you move on from this situation as soon as possible. Like yesterday.

Oh and P.S., there is no need to be delicate in your next discussion. Just say, “this won’t work for me.” No delicate explanation needed.
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Ummmm, no. As my daughter says, this is “bonkers-pants”. Get out of there as fast as you can.
Go couch-surf, if you have to. Do not waste one more minute in this situation.
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You're in a harem of sorts with a good man trying to be all things to all people. Frankly, I think his true love is Mary.

If this is not what you envisioned for your life, then you move on. It doesn't make you a bad person, nor does it make him one. It just is a case of incompatibility as this particular point in time.
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2021
Matt probably loves both of them. He wants a 'sister wives' living situation. Matt and Mary are obviously people who don't believe in monogamy. They should look for someone else who's into that sort of thing to be the third in their 'thrupple'.
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I had a male best friend growing up. We did everything together (never dated). He got married before I did. So it’s natural our time together was greatly diminished since he was married and he put his wife first (just and as it should be). I later got married and when he and his wife come to town every 5 years or so we all go out to dinner. We will always love each other, he was like a brother to me. But how do you think his wife would have felt if I called him everyday or asked him to come over? It makes sense that you can’t be as close as you once were...you both have partners and different lives.
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