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Slightly different , but kinda the same... One of my BFs has a medical issue, and every so often she mentions that she "always knows she can come and live with hubs and I" Uhh.. NO! I finally had to tell her that now that Mom is passed, Hubs and I are getting our feet back under us and have agreed that we are done with caregiving in our house. I will always support her feelings, and help her with her finances and making plans,, but no one else will live with us!
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JoAnn29 Mar 2021
Why would a BF even think that is OK. Moving in with her friend and husband to care for her. I have had 2 BFs for 60+ years and I doubt if they even thought this.
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LauraBeth, my gut feeling feeling is to pack and run, run as fast as you can. Unless you want to do the work of 3 shifts of caregiving each day later down the road, plus being chief cook and bottle washer.... while Matt and Mary enjoy whatever life has for them.

Something just doesn't sound right here.
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You know what they say, date for a year at least because people can't cover up their true selves for long. It sometimes takes longer. As soon as he started going to her house one weekend out of the month, I would have started wondering what kind of relationship did they really have. TG you have only been in this 3some for 6 months. I think you are seeing your future if you stay. You deserve more than this man can give you. You should be his #1. There should be no commitment to another woman. Really, if you go out is he going to take "friend" along because he feels guilty leaving her. You need your alone time. I would not want to start a marriage this way. I wouldn't like this kind of relationship. There will be a third wheel and it will probably be you.

You have gotten some good responses. Please think seriously about this. I think you already are questioning this relationship. Most of us are Seniors. We have grandchildren. We have been there.
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Yes, I agree it is noble. And I would be willing to be Matt's and Mary's FRIEND forever, and in fact would attempt to help them when and where I could. However, I do know my limitations well.I was a nurse. To do that job 24/7 and that would be what you are signing on to, would not be for me. That is that simple and clear in my mind, and it would not have taken me two seconds to tell Matt that. I am afraid that you have not had Matt be completely honest with you. You are two years into this relationship. I am certain he didn't want to ruin his relationship until he thought it "strong enough" to take this news, so that makes sense; however, you have likely wasted two years on finding a forever mate, and THAT is NOT FAIR to YOU.
So this is entirely up to you. I would be honest with yourself about what you are signing on for. Your life would not be your own, not now and not ever, and it would be an increasingly long, agonizing slow slide down. This is not YOUR good friend. This is Matt's good friend. I suspect anyone he thinks can do this life's work with him will be letting him down SOONER or LATER.
I would make it sooner. I would tell Matt that the future cannot be known. He is correct. This dear person could die anytime soon, or she could live many decades. But all that is a gamble and to live gambling in "hopes" of someone's demise would be truly ugly, but perhaps unavoidable.
I would simply tell him I have thought long and hard on this, and I know my limitations for certain, and that they won't change. That love isn't the answer and cannot fix everything, and that this wasn't your plan for a life together. It is charming he wants to grow old with you. While you live in the same area you can be friends, and in my life friends have outlasted loves anyway, so perhaps the best way to grow old together is to stay friends.
Wouldn't be for me. As I said, you have a decision. It won't be easy, but I think you already know you cannot have him with you at the cost of his friend, nor can you live with his friend in a three way "menage".
What a blow. I am so sorry.
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Oh good Lord.
He's not ready for marriage.
Or at least marriage to you, unless you allow this strange relationship to go on with him acting as a husband/brother proxy to her, which is why he's testing the waters.
Certainly he doesn't sound very mature or that he's given much thought to what ''growing old with you'' entails, or the level of commitment required.
Mary needs to be responsible for herself.
There's no reason he should have gone to go live with her if she was healthy when she broke up with her boyfriend-what would his presence possibly do to prevent her from getting covid? I think that was an excuse. If this was another male friend of yours who did same thing, what reason would you think he was doing it for? If you hadn't followed him, where do you think your relationship would be right now? Broken up because he decided to stay playing house with her full time over you?
So there's your answer.
It's nice he wants to take care of his friend. Weird that he's put you at the level of a roomie rather than life partner when deciding to commit himself this way. He may want to grow old with you, but do you want to grow old with Mary and her health issues?
He's 42. Too old to be so foolish.

Throw him back.
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Posted twice--I'm so indignant! LOL!
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Your boyfriend is enmeshed with Mary. Maybe not romantically, but too enmeshed for him to be available to you to marry. At 34, you have what hopefully is a long life ahead of yourself.

"...the type of living situation and caretaking he’s talking about with Mary is incompatible with what I want for us..." What you want for your life is what matters. You should not make decisions based on what your boyfriend or Mary wants. If it's not what you want then it's not going to work.

Life is too short to settle for less than what you want. It isn't fair to you, your boyfriend or your roommate Mary for you to be less than honest about what you want for yourself and your future. Start making arrangements for yourself to find your own place, move on with your career and do the things you enjoy doing. In time you will meet new people and new relationships can blossom.
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Laurabeth -

Pretend you haven't dated your boyfriend for 2 years...

If you just met him today,
and he told you what his life situation was,
and about his female friend who was in poor health and needed a lot of care,
and that he was looking for a girlfriend who would join and be a threesome to take care of the friend,

would you sign up?

That's your answer to your "I just don’t know what to do next."

If you wouldn't sign up for that today, then you shouldn't sign up for tomorrow, and the next day, and next week, and the next 10-20 years.

Tell him what you want for YOUR life doesn't match with what he wants for HIS life, so you two/three should part ways, and you wish him/them well.
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2021
Excellent and sound advice, polarbear.
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Several others have related similar situations of a potential husband insisting that a current GF accept his desire to care for his parents, throughout their life, subordinating any interest in his current GF.   

Here are some other posts you might want to read about how other men tried to maneuver a man/woman friendship into a triad:

https://www.agingcare.com/search?term=man+wants+fiance+to+care+for+his+father

The facts are somewhat different, but also similar, and the result is basically the same:  the woman subordinates her own interests for the individual for whom her alleged loved one brings into their twosome. 

I actually found myself becoming angry when I read your post; while I acknowledge that there are people who are born "carers", somehow I can't accept that your current manfriend is one.  Or perhaps he is, but it's gone beyond caring and slid into a  compulsion.   It's hard to believe someone really would have the audacity to ask a potential female companion for life to compromise and add a third woman in, even if she is disadvantaged.

While his alleged intents are laudatory, I would consider this an experience, an eye-opener, wish him well and find a different manfriend.   Threesomes are not good, unless you're specifically into that kind of relationship and choose it.   But in this situation there's not an equal playing field, b/c the other woman apparently (?) needs special care.   

And I assume you don't want to be a live-in Cinderella?   

Chalk it up to an early warning system, and move on.
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Don't do anything yet. Covid is still messing up everybody's perspective on the future. It's a terrible time to be making any kind of long-term plan and your boyfriend's feelings about Mary's vulnerability and the need for his (and your! - but let that pass for now) sacrifice will likely normalise as the situation does.

However. Back before, when you and he were doing the normal things including discussing your future and he didn't say a word about caring for Mary forever and ever... What shape were things taking?

I hate to say it, but it is possible that the bond between them was stronger than anyone realised and has now deepened further. It's *possible*. But I certainly wouldn't make any assumptions about that at this insanely stressful and disconcerting time in world events.
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Is there some kind of financial benefit that will go to your boyfriend if he agrees to tend to Mary if needed? Is she going to give him property or funds, if he cares for her? I’d explore if that’s the case and if not, then what is their real relationship. He’s ask your input. I’d gather as much information as possible before stating my position.
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This is your life. He is the one who is not putting you above all others. You can’t live a life with someone who makes huge gestures that affect your happiness and well being.

Good for him that he is a great “friend” but in my book not so good for husband material if that’s what you are looking for.

The implications of HIS decision are huge.

You know you can’t trust him.
Time to get back on track with your life and let them figure out their relationship.

I keep wondering...does anyone work? Any children here? What about extended family for all three of you?? Yada yada yada. So much to consider.

I’m sorry for your pain. Let us know how you are doing.
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"...talked about how ideally would want all 3 of us to live together." This is a hard no. He is unrealistic, doesn't know boundaries and is making a promise he most likely won't be able to keep to the degree he is romanticizing it. You'll never feel like his priority. How old is this "friend"?

All his close friends seem to be women. Weird. Has he no close males friends?

It is ok for him to be concerned about her. It is ok for him to want to "help" her in realistic ways, but he's a "Rescuer", which is not healthy. My BIL married a woman he "rescued". They didn't really get married for healthy reasons and their marriage has been rocky almost it's entire duration. IMHO this is not the guy to make a future with, and I would move on.
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