Blood pressure spikes when my mom is around. For real! What to do?
Generally I am a healthy person, eat right, exercise, etc and have always had normal to low blood pressure ie 115/70. Just used the pharmacy BP machine and was shocked by 150/90 NOT GOOD. What changed is spending much more time -daily- with my mom than before and she is not easy to be around. Like manipulative with zero boundaries, but also super emotionally fragile and forgetful. When I leave her alone in my house she tends to go through my things and throws out things she does not like “to protect” me. Like 70 years ago some girl down the street had a brush like that and she was evil! Or my brand of dishwasher soap will
give me hives (It hasn’t). When I disagree with her ie “Please don’t put my BBQ on the curb,” she tells me I’m being abusive. That actually I should be thanking her for looking out for me. It drives me bonkers.
The good news is that if I take a break, go somewhere quiet and listen to a meditation the BP goes down to around 125/80.
Im stuck being a caregiver. Should I ask an MD for BP meds while I work on being less emotionally/physiologically affected? What do you do to get the stress out of your system? I swim and walk daily, so need to find another approach.
I've been on BP meds since before the age of 30, while still in the Navy. In 1997 I was diagnosed with PTSD by the VA and went on disability. MY DH and I moved to a retirement community in Florida when I was only 47; 1100 miles away from my toxic parents. Life was good. I was on meds and in therapy for the PTS. B/P was under control and then ... my parents went and followed us there! Yep, moved to the same community. My Narcissist father turned 80 and finally retired. Had to move them to independent living in 2013, and to a different one a year later. Stress level was so high, I was up to 4 different BP meds to try and keep it under control. In 2018, my mentally disturbed father (NPD/ASPD) needed a higher level of care and I had to find an ALF in a hurry. Social worker at the rehab was zero help. Day 3 at the ALF, we were having dinner with them for my mom's birthday and my nasty father was b**ching about everything and pissed me off. My BP that evening was 208/95. Crisis mode. DH called my doctor. I was ordered to a week bed rest and not to go visit my parents for 2 weeks. Let them settle in and figure things out. My therapist and doctors told me I was a stroke waiting to happen. I had to learn to say NO. I spent my whole life in the F.O.G., biting my tongue, and walking on eggshells.
Just a few months later my mother had a massive stoke, dying 10 days later. I was devastated that she went first. 64 years of marriage and 64 years of emotional and verbal abuse made her a broken, bitter woman. His narcissist behavior was what killed her. And I was stuck dealing with him (DPOA, etc.) for another 17 months. I tried Grey Rocking, VLC, etc. He was mentally disturbed but I was told he did not have dementia. My PTSD was in full flare-up, I found out I had liver disease, had a failed surgery that made my legally blind in one eye, and SSA mistakenly declared me deceased, all at the same. I had no emotional support from either brother. My father finally passed in 2020 at age 96. My health was so bad, I was afraid he'd outlive me too.
Sorry for rambling on. I'm doing much better now. I take my BP every evening, and it's usually good. I'm still on meds; currently Mycardis, clonidine, 2 diuretics, and Zoloft. If I run high, and need to bring it down quickly, medical marijuana works well. I can get the top number to drop anywhere from 20 to 40 points. My bottom number is always under 80.
My advice would be get the BP under control with meds if necessary. Get the stress under control by stepping back from your mother and caregiving. Give yourself care first, because if you have a stroke, you would be of no use to your mother anyway. Find ways to relax and activities that bring you joy. Let go of any guilt feelings, no need for them.
I am 68 now and lost years of my retirement. I have since divorced myself from all toxic relatives (my whole side of the family) so I am finally free.
Best of luck and take care of you!
I am very happy that you are doing better medically and psychological.
May peace and joy continue to flow in your life.
But this was for a family member NOT living with me.
Is Mom living with you? Or living elsewhere? I think this will make a difference to how you proceed.
Where I live (not US) I believe a Doctor makes the Social Worker/Aged Care Ax referral. Totally agree it so frustrating when showtiming covers over with the Doctor... but perserve. I can see why a Doctor wants to maintain & keep the trust of their client. They may need to build up trust before introducing a short cognitive screening test.
Sometimes a letter with concerns can be dropped off prior to an appointment. Or alternatively, brought to the appointment & raised tactfully there. (I've done both).
And yes, my LO was angry... I explained I was CONCERNED.
I got great unofficial advice from a Social Worker in 5mins over the phone, but was unable to make an actual appointment as no POA & no consent by my LO.
Again with LO's Doctor, I wasn't able to get far as no POA or consent to discuss BUT I COULD & DID discuss MY difficulties & received advice for that... which was;
* Stop helping.
* Call EMS for immediate danger: violence, new confusion, wandering from home.
* Contact adult protection services for serious self-neglect or squalor (unable to feed or bathe self, manage medications, signs of hoarding behaviour, home very unsafe, power cut or excess vermin).
I was able to see the Doctor alone & make a sort of *crises plan*.
That REALLY helped me!
#1 *stop helping*
Thankfully my Mom doesn't live with me.
also would be good for agedbook.
You do not need POA to get a social worker involved . Call your parents County Area of Aging . Tell them your concerns of how they think they are independent but they aren’t and you are burnt . Hopefully you don’t live with them .
I’m going to tell you what the social worker from the County Area of Aging told me. She said “ Stop helping , sometimes they have to fail in order to realize they are not independent “.
An evaluation might help with, at the least, LO accepting some paid home health assistance to come in.
This is important for us to know and you do not give us any details.
My sense: you are only stuck if you believe you are stuck.
If you continue on as you are, your health will continue to suffer.
You need to put yourself first.
Gena / Touch Matters
But - why should we let this happen and then just try to cover it up with blood pressure medication?!
We need to find ways to spend less time around the people raising our blood pressure.
If anti-stress medications would halp keep your BP more even, you could try those.
Do not take BP medicines for reactive spikes b/c your blood pressure can get dandgeriusly low when you are not agitated.
If taking care of your parents has effected your health in a negative way then you need to find another solution.
If they are living in THEIR home they can have caregivers come in and do some of the things that you have been doing.
If they are living in YOUR house caregivers can come in and help out.
Your parents pay for the caregivers by the way not you.
If there is an Adult Day Program get BOTH your parents involved so that they are with others and active for a few days a week. '
The doctor can order In Home Health that can come in and help both of them and that would be covered by Medicare. (There are guidelines so ask about the process)
Having your doctor place you on BP medication is like asking the doctor to put a bandage on a broken leg. It will not help solve the real problem.
My LO lived alone. Daily help needs were growing, blowing out past what family could reasonably do. No apparent insight.
I thought it was like a 'grey zone'.. as not in imminent danger, not a hoarder, mostly safe, taking meds ok, eating ok.. Although falls were a concern, not enough for an emergency takeover.
A Needs Assessment was done by a Social Worker. List of ADLs & iADLs. Levels: independance, required help, unable to do.
LO had declared I live alone independantly. But the SW ripped that down. SaId "You are living alone, dependantly. Heavily dependant on family".
This opened the way to discuss ways to lessen the 'caregiver burden' on family by introducing other supports & services.
Is it time to reflect on Mom's REAL level of independance?
Bathe, cook, grocery shop, take meds, get about in the community, keep appointments, pay bills?
Eg if you left next week for a 6 month round the world cruise - how would she cope?
If weather or location doesn’t permit walking outside, inside is fine eg inside a shopping mall. I have a friend who swims in the sea year round but I settle for a heated indoor pool in winter.
The comment about being 'stuck' has struck a chord with many.
Are you willing or able to explain why you feel stuck?
High Blood Pressure is known as the Silent Killer. See your doctor, get a blood test and they will advise you. You may need to try different ones to find one that works for you. Super Beet Chews (Amazon) also work wonders for high BP in organic form.
Also avoiding the trigger person is a good idea. Call your Primary doctor today for a blood test and don't risk your life.
I finally acknowledged that the only thing I feared more than my mother was my death. She is now in care.
She didn’t give a rat’s tuchus about my health (or feelings) so it was time for me to stop caring so much about her feelings. She’s safe, in an excellent home. I understand now that nothing I did would ever make her happy or fix the situation.
You’re in the ‘waiting for disaster’ phase but what if the disaster happens to you? Your life has value!
You should be asking a doctor how to go about getting your mother put in a memory care facility or AL.
Based on what you've stated here, your mother has serious dementia and cannot be left alone in your house or ANY house for that matter. She cannot be left alone anymore.
Taking care of her has become detrimential to your health. It happens.
I cannot stand to be around my mother for more than maybe 20 to 30 minutes at a time when she's behaving herself. When I lived with her my health was failing fast. When I'd hear her lumbering out to the kitchen in the morning I'd start sweating, I would have heart palpitations, and pain would start shooting down my left arm. I had acid reflux/GURD. I gained a tremendous amount of weight. Living with her and being her caregiver was literally killing me.
I can't believe this happened to me because I was a caregiver for 25 years. I've been in every care situation there is.
I hope you know that something like half of caregivers die themselves before the people they're caregivers for.
You and your mother CANNOT live together. She has to go. Start touring memory care facilities or AL facilities (depending on her independence level) then move her out.
I've recently started going to guided meditation classes. I was a skeptic going in and to be honest so far I haven't gone into a "meditative state" but some of the principles of meditation have helped me.
If your stress is triggered by a certain person then what you need to do is probably obvious but if you can't isolate from that person then I would concentrate on the healthy things you are doing. i.e. exercising etc. Blood pressure pills would be helpful maybe but you say your blood pressure is normal when you aren't around this person so I doubt you need to start taking them. They are not without side effects. Are you taking your B vitamins? Magnesium maybe? Deep breathing exercises. Do you know someone who could relieve you from your care giving duties occasionally?
Take care.
Back on a beta blocker and bunch MORE tests--end result? It was all due to stress.
I was seeing my cardiologist and she couldn't stress enough that I had to take care of ME, since nobody else could, or would.
I refused a 2nd ablation, b/c this was external-induced--same as your BP problems.
MIL died 3 weeks ago and I have not had a single 'episode' in almost a month.
And I wasn't even INVOLVED with her care. It's what she did to DH--the constant, unending stress that I would 'feel' myself. Also, Dh was not real nice to me during this time as he was stressed out.
I'm learning, slowly to take care of me. At 67, it's time, I think.
It took OB who simply stepped up one day and said "This is madness, we're putting mom in a home" And like the sheep they are, DH and YS just followed where OB led them. (Come to find out, he was having heart problems and was not in the mood to let his mother kill him with stress.)
Please do listen to your body!
I am reminded as I clean out her house and find things like drawers full of cardboard packaging, stacks of plastic fruit containers, collections of every electric razor my dad had for the last 30 years, etc...This has been going on for so long, I just never saw it because I wasn't pawing through her stuff.
I used to get so nauseous before going over to take care of her every day, that I couldn't eat, and I lost 20 lbs in 3 months. (Also it was summer, and she kept the house at 90 degrees, and I was doing a lot of housecleaning.)
I am on 4 BP pills a day. My mom has been in MC since October, but I still feel stressed because I feel guilty I don't go to see her every day. I am still working for her the majority of every day going over to the house to clean and take care of the 3 cats. Meanwhile, my house is a dump.
But I see this as a transition year that I have to get through. We're working to move my son into that house. We just have quite a way to go.
Making the change to get your mom in care will add to the stress for a while, but it is necessary and the work will level off eventually.
I am so jealous that you have a place to swim every day!
mother. I could feel them, and they were picked up by her BP monitor. I had a full cardiac work up, and they were attributed to stress and caffeine. My PCP said I must manage the stress, or the subsequent inflammation it causes in my body would affect my other health issues. So far I’ve tried and anxiety med, that’s not much help. I do sleep well when I take it.
I think your BP issue warrants a Dr visit, and I hope you can find a way out!
No one is stuck or trapped being a caregiver. There are nursing homes, AL, and memory care facilities all over the place.
There is also always the option of the 'ER Dump' when the caregiving has become overwhelming and it expediates the process of getting an elder placed.
Get away from your mother before you have a heart attack or a stroke from the stress of being her caregiver.
Yes, you should definitely see a Doctor, but rather than tell them that you need meds, why not let the doctor decide what you need?
As far as relieving your stress, everyone is different and finds their own way of relieving stress, depending on what makes you feel good. Definitely removing yourself from the situation for a while will help. Do something you like. Take a walk, visit with a friend, go shopping, or to a movie.
Sometimes a person has to take some harsh and drastic action to break themselves away from the caregiving situation. You do what you have to get out of it.
This is affecting your health and your one life. That is your priority, for when you are debilitated by a stroke your mother will be without your care; so why not address the issue before that point.
Meanwhile recent studies are showing that simply eliminating any added salt from your diet works as well as most medications for BP.
You cannot avoid much of it that is in food other than giving up (in my own case) those beloved Old Fashioned Potato Chips from Trader Joe's, but you can stop putting more salt into and on your food.
Be sure to get exercise. It lowers blood pressure for many.
Good luck. Only YOU can make best choices for your life and your health and happiness.
Time to get some help in the house just in case and to give you a much needed break.
Stress affects us in different ways.
My pressure certainly went up during stressful times. I have been able to manage it so much better now.
Mom died in 2021. I was her primary caregiver.
Don’t take your mother’s crap.
Are you getting respite ? How about going to a support group ? Why are you “stuck being a caregiver “? Do your parents have funds to hire an aide to give you a break ?