I noticed that a lot of us care givers are concerned about our loved ones. What about taking care of ourselves? I put off my physical for 6 months just taking care of the bills piled up from the 4 different facilities and moving expenses. I was depressed, angry and hurt. Why me? However, I continued a “oh is me” attitude. Finally, one administrator said “you have to take care of yourself too.” After leaving the facility I drove straight to my doctors office and made an appointment for a complete long over due checkup.
I also call the Alzheimer’s hotline and had a 30 minute conversation with a counselor. She said I have to set my boundaries, take care of myself too. I had no boundaries whatsoever and let my husband do and say whatever he wanted to. That was before he went into a memory care facility. He is still doing it. When I talk to him it is when are you taking me home? Why am I here? Now I realized that I count too. I must, I have to consider my own sanity and health. My husband is being looked after and Cree for but no one but me is looking after me! I hope that makes sense.
Has anyone been in this situation where they put the Alzheimer’s person before themselves?
Add to that the fact that the lady was NOT easy going. She was loud and demanding. Like, I'd have my arms literally full of things she asked for and she would ask "where's the such and such that I said I wanted." She was also a dead lift when she fell, incontinent, and fought me on everything. She was always a "my way or the highway" type of person and ALWAYS got others to bail her out of whatever she got herself into. Therefore, she figured I'd get her out of her medical situation - which was not within my control.
The lady got other people on her side that I alone should be doing more. She was never going be cured.... which is bottom line what people really wanted. But there was a weird dynamic going on that if I wasn't going to cure her, I could "at least" tend to her.
My health suffered tremendously. Lost sleep, mental stress, physical lifting/pushing/pulling. There were times when I neglected myself so much that (looking back on it) I cannot believe no one could see it. I had to place the lady in a facility because I could no longer care for her. She's now getting the care she needs. It's been years. I am still trying to recover physically and mentally, but cannot. I fear the stress has taken many years off my life, meanwhile the lady I cared for has lived to be quite old. Oh yes, and her family still resents me - even though I tried so hard as an unpaid, unappreciated volunteer. Please take care of yourself.
You are very right to consider your own health and well being now and remind yourself that there are TWO people here that require loving care: you and your husband, not 'just' your husband.
Now that he's been placed in Memory Care, you have more time to yourself to see to your own care and well being, so that's a good thing. I am an only child to a 95 y/o mother with advanced dementia who lives 4 miles away in a Memory Care ALF. I have been her sounding board for the past 10+ years she's lived close by, and I've managed her entire life the whole time. I've suffered a great deal of stress and emotional pain as a result, but most people don't understand that. ALL they see is HER dementia and HER issues, etc. It's somehow my obligation to do all of this for her, with no questions asked, until the day she dies. In fact, there are those who will say I 'should have' taken her in to live with ME for the past 10 years which was never an option. I'd have died long ago had that been the case, and then where would she be? Anyway, yes, I do understand about putting a demented loved one before ourselves.
Please take good care of yourself now, and keep your visits to DH down to a minimum if they are going to be riddled with anxiety and him begging to come home. Keep him distracted as much as possible, and bring snacks along for the visit. I always keep my visits to under an hour and bring lots of photos/videos along of her great grandson for distraction. Remind him he's at the Memory Care under doctor's orders and can come home when the doctor says he can, and not before. Period.
Wishing you the best of luck with this new chapter of your life.