Brutal visiting nurse; Any advice?
Need to vent a bit, friends. I’ve been upset about this since Friday and it’s not going away. Where else to come but...here?
Husband has not been feeling well for two weeks. I brought a cold home from the daycare where I work and he got it. Because he is bed bound and immobile, he is still coughing and coughing. I obviously cannot get him to the doctor so I contacted my very unfavorite home visit physician agency. For some reason, they have put us onto a home healthcare agency. Their nurse has been out three times in a week. She is very outspoken about the way we live. She points out every lapse in housekeeping and does not approve of our animals. She says the presence of the animals could be contributing to my husband’s issues. She does it in a mildly threatening, derogatory way. The house IS messy. I KNOW this. But threats and insults won’t prompt me to organize it. I couldn’t imagine going into another woman’s home and doing what she has done to me. She doesn’t know our circumstances and doesn’t seem to want to know. She has told me I should quit my job so I will have more time to clean. She doesn’t have an idea of how the (little) money I make would be replaced. She doesn’t seem to understand that before I got this job, we couldn’t even afford a tube of toothpaste. The bank had preprinted overdraft notices for us. I suspect her next crusade against me will be my handling of the finances.
If she would, as the old Indian proverb says, “walk a mile in my moccasins”, I’d be more willing to listen to her. I know she most likely wants to help. She did mention that she’d been reported for her tactics previously. I can understand why. I feel like an absolute worthless fool when she’s here. My stress level skyrockets. She is also brutal and insulting to my husband. Last Friday, she as much as said she will report us if I don’t take steps to get the house organized. There are no bugs in our house; no mold and no rotting trash. Yes, it’s disorganized. But for six years, my life has been one trauma after another. It occurred to me this weekend that the worry over my husband has been constant for 16 years, since his stroke, a third of the time we have been married. This nurse doesn’t know and doesn’t seem to care about any of that.
I hesitate to call and ask for someone else. My husband needs care. So far, she really has done nothing for him. She said she would ask their patient coordinator for something for his cough but we are still waiting. Meanwhile, with his heart issues, I’m sitting here terrified.
Thanks for letting me vent. ❤️👍🏻
I don't suppose it would help to complain and request someone else?
I’m not begging her for sympathy and I certainly am not asking this relative stranger to feel sorry for me. But, when all is said and done, hubby still has the cough and still has not received any treatment. She is due to come out Wednesday and if she starts another rant, I’ll stop her in her tracks and ask her what the plan is for MY HUSBAND and not the house. That is, after all, why she is there.
Thanks!
PS I hope that this was a question, not just a need to vent that shouldn't get annoying suggestions in return. You have every reason to vent, and you have my sympathy. Some people should never get that little bit of power that makes them feel able to boss other vulnerable people around.
Tall your doctor about it, report the agency to the board.
1. Unless the conditions of your home are causing health issues and can be proved, non of her business
2. Report her to the agency
3. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO ACCEPT THE AGENCY REFERRED TO YOU
4. What Medicare/Medicaid plan covers your husband
5. Is this a State agency? They're only there to take your money/property, trust me
TAKE CONTROL BEFORE THE STATE DOES
As for the State coming out, I am not abusing or neglecting him. I can’t believe they’d come in because my house is disorganized. I am not a hoarder. There is no garbage rotting in my home. There are no cockroaches and only a very occasional mouse that wanders in from the field behind our house. Dirty sheets are washed every other day. Maybe not neatly folded, but they’re clean. She’d have no grounds. Windows with my dog’s nose art on them? Come on.
Just do something to find out what’s wrong with him! Please!
Isn't it a strange thing that she told you that she has been reported /in trouble before? Weird thing to be telling a patient and his caregiver. Kind of like the surgeon with the scalpel in his hand.... Saying.... Oh, by the way, I am being sued for malpractice because I killed someone..... Ready? Let's begin! Lol.
I would be tempted to put a large sign on my front door....
If you came to see me, come on in!
If you came to see my house, make an appointment!
I know you are doing the best you can. And that is the first thing I would tell her when she begins to harp on your house. And under my breath.... Geee! I wish you paid as much attention to your *patients* as you do the organization (or lack thereof) of my house!
Hope you giggled at least once.
Hugs.
Sparkles
We need to either get him better or decide whether he needs to go to the hospital before we worry about the dog/cat hair on the rug and the dishes in the sink. But I know if I say anything to her, she’ll have a snarky retort.
I’ll give it this week. He’s had a chest x-ray and blood tests and if she has followed up on those, we should have a plan by the time she comes out in Wednesday. If not and she continues to browbeat us, I’ll be making the call for another nurse.
Thank you again!
This Nurse is out of line. She is not APS or the Health Dept. Her job is to come in and care for your husband. Put in a complaint and request she not be sent back to ur home.
We too,had some awful nurses through the 3 and a half years that Mother was on Hospice and it just made a hard time even harder.
I had one that fell asleep at our table when she was going over Mother's medicines and another one that said she hated our cats and the last one we ever had,Mother and I dreaded her every visit.She looked for & created problems instead of helping to fix them and tried to stir up trouble.Neither Mother or I deserved her treatment so there was no choice but to call and ask for a different nurse again.
It bothered me to call and ask for another nurse,but it was even worse dealing with the ones we had.
She is intrusive, and has caused you a set back.
She has had too many chances, stand at the door, do not allow her to set foot in your home again.
Of course, you will call to make sure they send someone else.
May I ask, how it is you have allowed yourself to be intimidated by someone so blatantly wrong? This is so unlike you......from reading your posts all these years, you are a strong woman Ahmijoy.
Right now, I can only agree with what she says and show her I’m making an effort to take the best care of him possible which I am. We will just have to deal with whatever comes up next.
My mom's house is a true health hazard and I was not so politely informed that she can live any way she chooses, period. Was there any other concern?
I would contact her boss and find out what is happening with treatment for your husband. Being bed bound with a persistent cough is dangerous. Is she writing up that it is a dog hair reaction and not the truth?
If you wanted to be special sporty because she is being inappropriate again, you could have her come in the kitchen and grab a dirty cup out of the sink and turn to her and offer to fix her a cup of tea. I have a tough time letting anyone get in my face in my home about something that is not their business in the least. My snarky side shows it's face.
You do not have to accept her belittling behavior at all. She really needs to be reported that she is not being a resource for medical treatment for your husband, 1 day is to long to not address this lingering cough. You have the strength to get better care and treatment, it doesn't have to get ugly, you can very calmly thank her for her observation and ask what she is going to do to treat your husband.
(My mom is the 1st person to criticize someone else's housekeeping, this is a person that sprays fabreze on dog poop instead of picking it up. So, I always wonder if someone is critical of someone else's house. Hmmm, pig sty?)
Nurses do not diagnose conditions. Only MD’s, CRNP’s & PA’s can do that. So if you want him diagnosed that nurse can’t do it.
I was a visiting nurse and have seen many a cluttered home but it isn’t (wasn’t)my place to criticize. I just worked around it. Some homes didn’t even have soap for me to wash my hands (we brought our own just in case).
Its her duty to report if he home is so cluttered it’s a safety hazard but dishes in the sink and dog & cat hair on carpets did not constitute a true safety hazard.
If you feel he is not improving, then call 911and send him to the ER. You are in a difficult spot here due to his bed bound status & you are the one in control of whether he gets diagnosed correctly. This nurse can’t do an X-ray, all she can do is draw labs, listen to his lungs but even she can’t write an order for antibiotics but if she submitted sputum and blood cultures (which I hope she did) they will call hubby’s PCP for an antibiotic prescription once or if something grows. In your husband’s case I would try an antibiotic, an inhaler, Mucinex (plain old Mucinex not the”D” if he’s on BP meds). Get him breathing deeply 10x per hour so he doesn’t develop pneumonia. For a temperature, Tylenol.
There were plenty of cases where a visiting nurse is ordered specifically to assess the patient in their home and perform a safety inspection.
I only reported one household to CPS when the home of this particular patient was absolutely overrun with roaches - and I mean everywhere. I wouldn’t even bring my VNA bag in and when I knew I was going there I made a baggie of supplies and took only what I needed for the visit.
I called CPS when I made a visit later in the day and saw a 8 y/o coming in from school to a roach infested home.
I had to call. A child can’t be safe in that environment.
As I said, bottom line is that nothing has been done for my husband. And, this was the #1 reason I asked for help. I understand that she can not diagnose or prescribe meds. But, this agency must be in touch with a medical professional who can.
I am waiting for her visit on Wednesday. His blood tests and x-rays should have been looked at by then and hopefully she will have contacted whomever she needs to and will have some recommendations beyond washing dishes and windows.
Now, I'll get off that high horse I'm just so frustrated by the way you are being treated. I would encourage you to call and demand a different nurse now, I understand and appreciate your instinct to give her a fair shake but you have and she has not done the same in return, she and her agency are paid buy your insurance therefore she works for you and you do not need to be paying someone who is accomplishing the opposite of helping you. If the agency isn't able or willing to accommodate you get another agency. Just because this is the one you were set up with by the doctors office doesn't mean you have to use them, the doctors office should have multiple agency's they "work with" and they should be made aware that there is a problem with this one so the next over taxed wife isn't put through the same thing.
A good nurse is irreplaceable, decent nurses are interchangeable and a nurse like this needs to be cut out of your life, no worries, no guilt. They work for you, you have been paying for insurance one way or the other for years to pay for this service. On top of that having this added tenseness and your discomfort in the house is not helping and might be hurting DH recovery. I urge you to call now and have someone else come out this week test results and all. It doesn't matter if this nurse is exactly right in fact her approach just doesn't work for you and that's ok, yours and your husbands comfort and trust are key here.
I almost wish we could get him to the hospital to be seen by a cardiologist. I may seriously explore the option of having him use medical transport and make an appointment with a cardiologist. These home visits are fine if you don’t have a true medical concern. But if you do, I’m afraid they’re worthless.
I know when I used to shower Mom, I was no good for a half hour. I can't imagine having to clean up a large man (u have said he is big, right.) and changing a bed everyday. I am 69 and find I do not have the energy level I had in my 30s. I worked, had a child and NH and a 4 level split. No kids, same old DH but lucky if I can get one room cleaned completely and go on to another.
I'm just wondering if maybe although she means to be helpful she comes across as a bully and is, in part of her mind, aware of this. Have you told her she really isn't helping? She's a nurse, she's not a lifestyle adviser, and although obviously you have to see your patient in context it certainly isn't for her to tell you whether you should go out to work. For heaven's sake.
When she comes out tomorrow, I do plan to make sure she knows that DH’s health is far more important to me than the dishes in the sink. The house is NOT making him sick and that statement she made is completely unreasonable.
I spoke with the Nurse Practitioner’s secretary yesterday and she was totally clueless about what is going on with my husband. She was simply reading off the NP’s notes. Couldn’t answer any of my questions. No decongestant prescribed until I asked. All she said was that he has an enlarged heart due to the CHF. No suggestion to see a cardiologist. I’m going to have to take things into my own hands and find medical transport to get him to a cardiologist. He will Abe to be stretchered out, but it’s skmethjng I have to do. These people are all worthless and this house thing with the Visiting.Nurse is just extraneous bull crap.
We raised our BIG family in a tiny house. I mean, we were on top of each all the time. It just never was a good time to upsize...but we did the best we could. Everyday my house was clean for about 30 minutes and then the kids came home....my MIL used to come visit and she'd perch on the edge of the sofa with this disgusted look on her face.
No matter how much or how hard I cleaned, 7 people living in a 1700 sf home--there simply is not room.
One day after all the kids were grown and gone..Dh got home from work before I did and commented to me over dinner that he had finally realized that *I* wasn't the problem--it was the simple fact we had too many people in too small a space. By no means am I a hoarder, but let things go for one day and it will look like we've been invaded by aliens. Dh is a messy creature, for sure. I am sick to death of cleaning. But it has to be done.
The only person who EVER gave me crap about not having an immaculate home was my MIL and I would just sit there and steam about it.
And my 'me' time is usually spent on this site or roaming the internet.
Sounds like you must get a different visiting nurse. ASAP. She's not helping dh at all!
I am dreading this nurse’s visit tomorrow. I absolutely cannot wait until she stops coming. She has done nothing for DH. I had to call the physician’s service myself and ask for medication for his cough. She couldn’t even do that for him.
Thanks for sharing!
I took the advice of all of you who had my best interests at heart and called the Home Health Agency. I was very polite and respectful but told this nurse’s supervisor that we had to make a change and why. She was shocked when I shared with her that the nurse had told us she’d been reported previously for her attitude. There was no hesitation on her part to assign us another nurse. She apologized profusely.
I cant even adequately describe the relief I feel. I will, of course, continue cleaning the house. Grandsons are coming over tomorrow to help me shovel out the garage.
Thank you to everyone who posted support and advice. Once again, you’ve come through for me. Love y’all!
Hugs!!
Great job standing up for you and hubby. He deserves to be treated when a med professional is called in without you being torn down.
I wonder who else she harrassed and didn't report her. Always remember, they are coming into ur home.
When Mom had PT here they wanted to come at 8:30 am. Neither me or Mom were up that early. And I let her sleep. I told them that 10am would be better. I had to get her up, dressed and fed before they came. DH thought I should do it their way. Nope, my house. What is convenient for me.
I think this is why the first Visiting Nurse bothered me so much. This IS my home and she presumed to enter it and did nothing but berate and browbeat us. What she had to say could have been said in a much kinder way. Hey, I watch the hoarding shows! My home looks nothing like those! You’re right. My house, my rules.
Do NOt Feel bad about asking for someone else. Yes, you may get someone who is less compassionate, but it may be worth a try to find a person who is willing to try to understand your circumstances.
Glad you spoke up and found a nurse to suit your family.