My sister will not allow the hospital or nurse to provide siblings information on my dying mother's health condition. Now she wants us to schedule 1 visit per day per sibling. The doctor said my mom is dying, we want to go see her before she dies to say our good bye. My sister the POA wants the siblings visit restricted to only one per day. There are six of us, she may die anytime. Can she do this?
Given Covid, I can see why your sister may not want a deluge of family.
Regardless of Covid,
If your sister has been a primary caregiver, you should respect her. She knows most about your mom’s wishes and daily routine. She is probably trying to keep the environment as calm as possible for your mother.
You should also think of your sister’s feelings. Her nerves are Certainly rattled.
Having been around multiple people at end of life, I can also say I would not want crowds of people descending on me in my last days. Commotion, noise, chaos, crying, and even apathy would probably all be displayed.
If you have all been visiting regularly this should not be an problem.
I totally get where your sister is coming from too! I was caregiver for my Mom for 1 1/2 yrs.
As the primary caregiver I was mentally & physically exhausted all the time. My mood was up and down and the last thing I wanted was family coming whenever they wanted and over-staying their welcome.
Your sister is trying to find and keep a peaceful routine for her household and taking care of herself throughout this stressful time. Respect her wishes even if they seem rigid.
God’s blessings on your journey~
As far as the updates on medical - you sister is in the wrong. While she has medical POA - you all deserve updates on a regular basis. Maybe the Hospital or Doctors office has a social worker that could help intervene on your behalf?
5 other people coming and going for the days until mom passes can be quite hectic for sister. Extra commotion, talking, etc that perhaps she just can't handle right now. It is also disruptive to the patient - changing the normal daily routine and activity around them. Sis also would have concerns about bringing covid into the home.
People are very limited to patients who are at the very end of life in hospitals. My brother passed in July not covid, but very unexpected) - his wife allowed in at the very end. Two siblings allowed in for a very brief period. Many folks got no visitors at all when it was covid related. Sis could have concerns about bringing the virus into her own home. Six siblings could create an issue with everyone staying far apart.
Maybe talk to her about 2 at a time for brief period - ask her to set a visitation time frame. Ask her what any of you can do for her.
But you would be selfish and stupid to ignore her valid concerns about how much stimulation your mother is able to cope with.
Maybe ask if it could be made to work if you visited in pairs and kept the noise down. And keep the visits short.
I'm very sorry for what the family is going through, I hope you're taking care of one another.
If your mom is wanting to see people she has the right to do so and your sister must allow this if she is following the legal guidelines set forth in a power of attorney.
The only way you would be able to get information on your mom's health is if you are listed on the power of attorney, HIPPA release or your mom gives permission to the doctor for them to speak with you
Where is your mom? If she is in a hospital or nursing home they should know the legalities and allow your visits. If she is living with your sister then I would recommend reaching out to an advocate to intervene and speak to your sister on your behalf.
I am so sorry you and your siblings are going through this! Keep us updated!
My mom has Dementia so it is very important to stick to routine, If not she can become agitated & unruly. My Mom’s Dr. ordered a nurse & therapists to come to our home 3-4 times a week, 1 hr for each...that was a total wipe out...
In caregiving I have become temperamental & moody.
My Sister told me I have a bad attitude, Smh. I told her until, she cares for Mom from the moment she opens her eyes in the morning to when she closes them for sleep at nights, (if she sleeps), she had no room to judge my temperament.
When ppl ‘step in’ that have not helped care for the LO it can offset the routine..even if on deathbed. There’s still care that needs to be had.
Abide by your sisters wishes.. she probably could’ve used the help to give herself a sanity break when your Mom wasn’t on her deathbed.
Sorry, but there may even be a bit of resentment from your caregiver sister but otherwise she’s being totally reasonable.
GodSpeed...
I am guessing mom is on Hospice correct? If so the Hospice Nurse can inform your sister of signs to look for that indicate death is much closer. Maybe at that point she could relax a bit more and allow more visitors BUT it also depends on her family and who she is living with. Do you and all your siblings self isolate? By allowing all of you into the house would she be putting her immediate family at risk? Would she be putting herself at risk if she is sole caregiver? Would she be putting mom at risk if you were all in the same room at the same time?
I am sure that you would want to remove masks. I am sure you would want to give mom a hug and a kiss. I am sure that you would want to sit and hold her hand. EACH of these contacts places your mom at risk, places your sisters family at risk and places each of the siblings at risk.
In my experience as an RN, most dying patients have a type of "death plan" that they follow. Those that need to say good bye to everybody will wait until all good byes are accomplished. Those who need reassurance that their tasks, pets, loved ones will be cared for will wait until they can get those reassurances. Folks that need special religious ceremonies - last rites or visit from a pastor - hang on until those are finished. Some need to have privacy and wait until everybody in the room leaves. There is one other "type" that your sister may need to know about... some people want all their loved ones gathered around when they pass on. Please feel free to show her my response and talk about how to accomplish this.
Talk with mom about what is important to her when you visit. If she is alert, she will tell you what is important to her. If she is comatose, tell her you love her and that it is OK to let go.
Even if she can't, it would take way too long to do something about it legally.
Maybe she thinks it would be too much on your mom to have everyone show up at once.
You should visit as soon as you can.
We are all so different. I’m heartbroken that I can’t see my LO while she still recognizes me, but I AM overjoyed that since she’s recovered from Covid, I HAVE been able to say that I loved her and would see her again as soon as I could. Then her residence entered lockdown for a second time.
If she is saying only one visit per day, that is another matter and means that there is a possibility that some of you might not get to see Mom and tell her in person you love her before she passes.
Is this a new rule? Have you all been helping care for Mom and visiting all along?
Please try to empathize with Sis too. This is a tough job physically and emotionally. She may be trying her best or she may be showing resentment at carrying the full burden. Figure out which one and act appropriately. Sis will be here long after Mom is gone. We all should know how precious family relationships are and that they can be fragile in times of stress. We all make mistakes and misinterpret at times, so try to give Sis credit for care and be supportive.
Your option here is to get her to reason with you. What is her explaination of the 1 sibling per day thing?? regardless of how ill or fragile your Mother is 1 person pre day seems obsurd.
or contact Social services to see if they will intervene.
Take her to court.
Or live with it.