She said she was bamboozooled into being in nursing home. Her husband died suddenly last yr. She still has 2 yrs left of long term care money
and she owns her own place.
Her only daughter passed.
Her step daughter in law put her in nursing home.
She wants me to take her home and leave her.
I'm not sure about leaving her or taking her.
It is VERY common for people to beg others to take them back home. It plays on our heart strings. But it is not usually the right thing to do.
You don't have any legal authority to take her home. She is where she is because she is not able to be safely independent in her home anymore and no one is able/willing to provide the assistance she needs. You have no idea if she has cognitive or memory impairment, or not. You need to stay out of things if you are not her PoA or legal guardian. I'm sorry, I know this is distressing. Re-direct the conversation when she starts to talk about it.
The thing is. No one can just "put" someone in a nursing home. The decision for Bobbie to be admitted must either have been Bobbie's own, or that of someone acting for her with the correct authority.
If Bobbie is mentally fine and wants to return to her own home she is free to do that. The key question is: what's stopping her?
It could be that she has physical care needs which can't be met in her long-term care setting, or it could be that there are concerns about her mental state and her ability to look after herself (or both, of course). If Bobbie were to say to the manager of the nursing home that she plans to leave, and to ask for help with arrangements for returning home, what would the answer be, do you know?
Is it easy for you to visit her?
Is your friend incapacitated? Does she have dementia? Is she a vulnerable adult who cannot take care of herself?
Why was she put in the nursing home to begin with? If she is of competent mind, able to do for herself, and has an outside person who can help her set up caregiving services in her home for herself, then she can petition the probate court in her town and ask for a competency hearing. If she is deemed competent then she will be able to change her POA to whoever she wants.
I actually had a client who did this. The man had fallen and had to go to "rehab" for a while. This was code for the family's putting you in a nursing home. He had outside help who filed the petition with the probate court for a competency hearing. He passed it with flying colors. Then he went home and remained there with help until he died at the age of 93 and totally in possession of his own faculties.
If your friend is still with it, help her file for a competency hearing with the probate court.
Step dad went into rehab after hip replacement. The rehab kept telling us he needed to stay there longer. when I took him for a follow up to the surgeon, He told me dad did not need to be there any longer. He told me to take dad home and then go get his stuff. So I did. I stayed with them for an additional 2 weeks then mom & step dad were on their own. Did fine for a while. After 6 months, he had 2 incidents where he had to be rushed to the hospital (severe UTI and sepsis) and I had to drop everything and fly to Oregon from Colorado to take care of mom while he was in the hospital. It was finally time to move them to Colorado. Three weeks after they got settled here, he had another severe UTI and was hospitalized where they found out he had stage 4 liver cancer. Five months of treatment, then in hospital again and sent to NH on hospice. He was doing so well after 10 days, he wanted to go home, against their advice, I took him home. It was a lot of work for me going over to help him & mom who has dementia. after a short period of time he took a turn for the worse, his last 2 days he had to go back to the NH because he couldn't even get out of bed to go to the bathroom. He passed away there.
My aunt was not able to live alone and was finally placed in a nursing home who was willing to take her with her history of being combative. she ended up loving it there, and was there when she finally passed away. She could not have been any place else because of the level of care she needed.
Nursing homes are not perfect places, but can also be a very necessary when family and friends cannot take care of the person in the home.
Can your friend really, really function on her own at home? If so, she can check herself out and all you would do is provide transport.
Last night, my sister and I left our mom, with dementia, in the hospital for one more night. She had a UTI and was a mess. When we left, she was mad, screaming at everyone, because she wanted to go home. My sister and I were just glad to get out of there and not have to deal with her on our own. She was mad and verbally abusive. When the time comes that she cannot go home again, she will be in a memory care facility. Thank God for these places, but a person who is capable of living alone, does not deserve to be stuck there.
If, however, you are not privvy to her mental needs, are not her POA, and are unaware of her needs, if YOU take part in this you could be charged under the law. You say her step daughter in law "put her in nursing home". If that is the case then she may have POA.
You should not take her home. There will be easily 75% of people currently in nursing home who will beg anyone to take them home.
So, no, you absolutely cannot do this. If your friend is of sound enough mind to pack up and return to her home then she is free to do so. If however, she "needs help" that is your first clue that you are dealing with someone who is unable to safely care for herself and function in the world.
Continue to visit your friend; when issues of "I want to go home" occur then encourage her to speak with her step daughter in law and tell her that you have no power to assist her in homegoing.
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