Can my sister have my Mother declared incompetent to make her own medical decisions?
Mother (age 85) has decided to have her 2nd hip replacement surgery in just under 1 year. The first hip was bone-on-bone, so having that done was very essential to her quality of life. She had a terrible time afterwards, didn't want to go to the rehab facility, moved facilities twice, refused PT, fought with all us kids (5 living sibs) and basically had a truly h*llish 8 months as she worked her way back from the surgery. It was hard on all of us who were trying to care for her....she FINALLY is now back to a kind of "new norm". She didn't need a walker pre-surgery, now she can't get around w/o one. Post surgery she fell many, many times, setting off her alert button and making life stressful for all of us. Even during all this, she was also seeing drs trying to get back surgery. Luckily, she was refused by every dr she saw, and she shopped around plenty.
Recently she saw the dr who did her knees and first hip. He approved her for surgery. We were all appalled, as A: he told us less than a year ago she wouldn't live long enough to need it done and B: the first one was so awful! 4/5 of the sibs are in agreement that this is a bad idea, given the last surgery, and though we are all on the same page as far as making sure she knows she HAS to stay in a rehab center until the doc lets her go and that she promises to be more compliant this time--my youngest sis is going to call the drs office on Monday and let them know she is going to fight them on this and try to stop it.
Mother is NOT incompetent, IMHO. She can take care of herself, manage her own bills and (sort of) take care of her apt. She's alert and aware of her surroundings, she gets out as much as possible. She lives in an apt attached to my brother's home, so there is always someone around to check on her.
I am not thrilled with the idea of her having another surgery, esp as her recent one was such a difficult and stressful process, and she will not be able to walk ever again w/o a walker, but she is relatively pain free and her dr is now allowing her pain pills for "palliative care"...so the pain isn't the issue. She just loves surgeries and all the hoopla that goes along with them. (She's had nearly 100 since she was about 30 years old).
My question is: can my sister have her declared incompetent to make her own medical decisions? I queried her as to why she's doing this (the sister) and she said she was afraid Mother would die from this surgery. Well, Mother does want to die and she has often said pre-surgery that she'd love it if she just didn't wake up. I don't think my sis has a chance in the world of stopping this surgery and she should just make peace with the fact mother is still in charge. None of the rest of us sibs are worried that Mother will die--we're actually shocked she made it through the past year. Sis is the youngest (50) and quite attached emotionally to Mother, also Mother slips her money as sis asks for it.( She is actually not even in Mother's will at this time, as she has taken well over $100,000 from Mother as "loans".) Speaking for the 4 sibs who think her surgery is a terrible idea, we still support her in it. Sis thinks if she stops this dr Mother will be OK. Not so--she will shop around until she finds a way to get what she wants. I want the sibs to all be one cohesive unit and not split into factions like we were about the last surgery--not the actual surgery but the post-surgical care.
Mother's basic health is atrocious, we're all shocked the dr okayed this. BUT, she's not unable to make decisions. Good ones? Probably not, but I feel that legally taking her autonomy away will just cause her to cut this sibling out of the family and cause more grief.
Any ideas?
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Check with your state's list of doctors who've been reprimanded, or faced some other kind of action because of incompetency, unethical practices, etc. It may be that this doctor is a quack.
When I worked for one particular medical malpractice firm, I became aware that there really are doctors who do operate without justification, just as in the movies! In this case the doctors were preying on indigent people, doing experimental surgery. ... straight out of something I might have thought only the Nazis did.
You could also check with the hospital with which he/she is affiliated to inquire as to the same issues. If the hospital gets inquires on a specific doctor, they may become suspicious and do their own investigation.
As I was reading your post, I was wondering if your mother enjoyed the drama and attention she gets during surgeries, and I think you've already suspected this. Alternately, with over 100 surgeries in 55 years, there may be an issue of hypochondria. I say this not to be cruel, but only to suggest some influences. I think most people her age would not be enthusiastic about a surgery.
I do NOT know if hypochondria, if diagnosed, is grounds for consideration of mental incompetence - perhaps just an imbalance.
Is this the same doctor who's "allowing" pain pills for "palliative" care? This raises a red flag right away. If they're narcotics, you might see if there's a way to determine as well if this particular doctor is one of those who freely prescribe narcotics.
I don't know if the AMA or the state licensing board or even the DEA could go after him if he's a "pain pill doctor", but it's worth a try, even if your mother would be furious with all of you if you do this. However, if it he is a pain pill doctor, he needs to be stopped before someone is seriously compromised.
You state her health is atrocious - what about her cardiac condition? That assessment will be made before surgery. Are their other factors that could influence the surgery? Have you contacted anyone in the administrative department or the head of surgery in the hospital where the operation will take place?
Sometimes working around the periphery can produce results that a direct approach can't.
As a family, we have decided to simply support her in this and let the chips fall where they may. Last year was absolutely horrible with her 1st replacement. I expect no difference this year, except maybe all of us kids are on the same page and she won't play us off one another as she did last year.
Deb-don't take the blame, sounds like you had no choice. It's really hard caregiving to our parents, we often second and third guess what we could or should have done differently. As long as they are calling the shots, we have to be respectful, but we don't have to LIKE what they choose.
Last year, on the day of her first hip replacement, her dr told me and my sis that she would not live long enough to need the other hip replaced. I'm sure she hasn't walked 150 miles in the past year, she's so sedentary. No way that hip is as worn out as the first. But it must be bad enough that the dr will do it. SIs told me that Mother is spending some time this week with her friend scoping out rehab places. She hated the one she was placed in last year, so she's making sure she loves the next one. It's all quite depressing to me.
I did ask my son (who is an attorney, but not in our state) about this and he basically said the same thing. Sis has no money to "waste" and actually, no support from the rest of the sibs on this. I am GLAD that it's that hard to have someone declared incompetent. I am not that many years away from this scenario myself! I know sis is just very upset that Mother is doing this against all of our "wills" so to speak. But, Mother is not incompetent, and no court nor dr would find her so. Wacky? Surgery crazy? Attention seeking? Yes to all 3, but not incompetent. Our hope is that she gets this done, behaves herself for the weeks following and is at least able to be as mobile as she is now, not worse off. She knows if she becomes wheelchair bound, she will have to go into assisted living. None of us has a home set up for that dynamic. Deb--yea, If she picks out her own rehab center maybe she will do better. She picked the "bad" one last year, based on a photo of one lovely private room that didn't even exist in the facility and was furious when she got there and was stuck with a semi-private room. This time she will tour a bunch of them and make a decision. Gives her and her BFF something to do, I guess.
Ironically, the sister who is kicking up the fuss is the youngest of the bunch and the least attentive to mother by far. My brother does the lion's share, I pick up the slack and the 3 other sibs show up every once in a while, when they think about it.
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