Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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Umm ... in English? (Unless you are all comfortable in another language.) I hope that doesn't sound flip, but the way to tell them is to tell them.
Are your children in frequent contact? Are they aware of what shape their father is in? What part of the situation might come as a surprise to them?
What kind of placement are you considering for him? Would you like your children to get involved in helping to find an appropriate facility?
If it is at all possible, I would suggest a family meeting. If one child can't come because of distance, consider a speaker phone for their participation. Gather some materials beforehand, such as pamplets about the kind of dementia he has, information about placement options, a list of the medications he is on, a list of the doctor appointments he has had, the things you have done to try to remedy the situation, etc. Try to be very matter-of-fact about what he has done to you. Make it clear that you know he is not acting in his right mind and you are not blaming him or punishing him. You simply need to do what needs to be done. If you think this might be a difficult or confrontational meeting, perhaps you can involve a professional, such as a social worker, to help facilitate it.
Of course you want your children to understand and to accept and support your decision. Keep in mind, though, that it is your decision. You would like their blessing but you do not need their permission.
I sincerely hope that your children rally around and support your decision and also support their father in any way they can.
Come back and tell us how this works out. We care.
You need to tell your children up front what happened. Alzheimer's changes personalities and can make the most gentle person act aggressively, out of fear. This signals a time for outside help, preferably a memory unit where the staff knows how to handle this stage of dementia. Your children should understand this. If they don't, they need to talk with the doctor about it. You can't be put in harms way. Take care of yourself now, please! Carol
I am sure your children will understand. Hey if they don't like it then maybe they can take over. Well we all know that won't most likely happen. At least they will get the message and you will still be able to see him at a nursing home or your adult childs house.
You will need help if he continues to live with you, so muster up your strenth and get it over with and tell them the truth and your feelings.
It's like you said, you have 'adult' children. They're not babies anymore that you have to protect, so just sit them down and explain what's happened to their dad's behavior as a result of the Alz. They'll understand when you tell them that for your own safely you're going to have to make other arrangements for him. Reassure them that this doesn't mean you don't love their dad, it's the disease.
I was going to comment - but first read everyone elses comments. The first one - jeannegibbs - said it all in the first post; the other 3 also backed the first up. So I think it's all been said already. Good luck!
Agree - Dangerous is dangerous by definition, there is no real way to sugar-coat it. I have found that those who are not personally involved with a question of caregiving find it disgustingly easy to 'shrug it off'. Why not? You are handling it, NOMB. In fact, I have had the experience that if I use strong language to try to empress them, they 'get their backs up', get more distant and still do not get invested (denial?). Discomfort, that is, the uncomfortable aspects of caregiving, is one thing which can be dealt with, bodily injury when something as valuable as your eyesight may be involved is another. Disagree with naheaton - possibility is that they still will not understand, if they do, fine but this is another unfortunate side effect of their not being personally invested (has not happened to me anyway). You must follow your own lights and do what you must.
MindingourElders said it best. I hope you follow her advise before anymore harm comes to you. Your husband has no idea that he is hurting you or anyone else that might get in the way. Regardless of what your adult children think or say, you have to protect yourself.
Desperate: I guess you are desperate.... for common sense. Either he goes or you go. It's that simple. Tell you adult children what happened and tell them that you are leaving.
I can well understand your reluctance to make a hard decision like this though - I mean, compared to a lot of contributors, I do not really have it that bad, at least mom does not have dimentia or alz, she is just cripple, cantankerous, and disagreeable, but I have already told her that in our tiny little cottage, if it comes to the point where she cannot get to the bathroom, or I have to start changing diapers and giving injections, I will not be able to physically handle that, having my own problems, so she will have to go to a nursing home, but until that day actually comes, I know (back to the point) that if I am the one who has to make the decision, I would have all sorts of guilt not only from myself, but piled on me by her, too. Your situation is also complicated by the irrelivant opinions of your do-nothing relatives. So, as I said,I can well understand your reluctance to do this, but also as I said, my own safety is not as involved as yours is. What has to be done, must be done. Protect yourself first, if something serious were to happen to you, who would that benefit??? Common sense has little to do with it, it is just a matter of facing a reality you did not ask for.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Are your children in frequent contact? Are they aware of what shape their father is in? What part of the situation might come as a surprise to them?
What kind of placement are you considering for him? Would you like your children to get involved in helping to find an appropriate facility?
If it is at all possible, I would suggest a family meeting. If one child can't come because of distance, consider a speaker phone for their participation. Gather some materials beforehand, such as pamplets about the kind of dementia he has, information about placement options, a list of the medications he is on, a list of the doctor appointments he has had, the things you have done to try to remedy the situation, etc. Try to be very matter-of-fact about what he has done to you. Make it clear that you know he is not acting in his right mind and you are not blaming him or punishing him. You simply need to do what needs to be done. If you think this might be a difficult or confrontational meeting, perhaps you can involve a professional, such as a social worker, to help facilitate it.
Of course you want your children to understand and to accept and support your decision. Keep in mind, though, that it is your decision. You would like their blessing but you do not need their permission.
I sincerely hope that your children rally around and support your decision and also support their father in any way they can.
Come back and tell us how this works out. We care.
Take care of yourself now, please!
Carol
You will need help if he continues to live with you, so muster up your strenth and get it over with and tell them the truth and your feelings.