My mother has had multiple strokes, and has been in and out of mental hospitals, and was kicked out of a group home since. She has outbursts where she calls my 3 kids names, threatens us, etc. She forgets everything she does and says and then expects my children to want to be around her. One time, she thought we took her phone charger and put it in a bathroom drawer. I showed her it was a hair clipper cord, but she insisted we were lying. She became so distraught I took her to a crisis center to see if she needed her meds adjusted, I stayed the entire time until a nurse told me to leave. The crisis center transferred her to a hospital where she told them I dropped her off there because I didn't want her. They released her at 1 AM and called me and I went and got her. But because she told them I abandoned her, I had an Adult Protective Services investigator come to my home. Now, every time she gets upset, she threatens to tell people things that aren't true. Another time, she was using her cell phone when it stopped working, and it wouldn't turn back on even after I charged it, I tried everything, but I found out she told my sister that I broke it. I got her a new phone but she can't remember how to use it. I work from home and was on an important training call and she started sobbing extremely loudly from the other room because she couldn't remember how to use it. I'm exhausted and live in fear. I never know when or why she will be set off. She became very upset on my son's birthday because I told her she couldn't keep eating cupcakes after having two. I am applying for help from the agency for aging, but I don't think she will be approved because she's still able to dress herself most of the time etc. Her doctor wants home health to come out, pt, ot, psych nurse, multiple times a week. This is going to affect my work and I'm scared I'm going to be fired, and we will become homeless. My siblings refuse to help and I'm at my wit's end, what can I do?
Next time she is taken to the hospital you talk to the Hospital Social Worker and make it VERY clear that she can NOT be discharged back home that it is unsafe for you and other members of the family.
Is anyone POA for health or financial affairs? If she is not competent it is probably to late for her to assign POA. Someone would have to become her Guardian. If this is something that you will not do then another family member, if they refuse she would become a Ward of the State and the State would become her Guardian. (you may want to discuss these options with an Elder Care Attorney)
So it’s worth a try to tell her that you need quiet time during work, and to corral behavior that scares the children, if you want to give her a second chance with you.
Or you could take her to the er, indicate she is an unsafe discharge, and there are children in the home. They will have to keep her until she is placed in an snf.
"In response to my siblings, neither will help whatsoever...because she was abusive when we were young."
And why would they want to help her? You must now recognize that you have a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship with her. You are under no moral, ethical or legal obligation to care for such a person. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Keep working with social services. The next time she acts out take her to the hospital and refuse to pick her up. The hospital will hound you but you just stop answering their calls, just keep saying "no", that she's an "unsafe discharge" and DO NOT go get her. DO NOT become her PoA. You can't do it, you should not do it and you must protect your family and livelihood. Let the county acquire guardianship of her.
The term unsafe discharge is what you will say when they want to send her back to your house. "Sorry, I am not picking her up. She has more care needs then can be met safely in my home and her coming back here is an unsafe discharge."
Let her rant and threaten. Unless you actually abuse her, you have nothing to worry about.
APS has to respond to complaints, period. Mandated reporters have to report complaints, period. Don't be fearful of this truth, it could work in your favor. You can say this is nothing compared to what she does in the privacy of my home and it is no longer safe for my children or her and I can no longer meet her care needs, period.
Listen, hospitals are great for making BS threats about what will happen if we don't dance to their tune. They are only trying to NOT do their jobs, if they can dump her back on you, they don't have to find a facility to meet her needs. Ignore them and repeat, She can't come back to my home, it is not safe as her needs CAN NOT be met here. She needs a facility and if the state needs to get emergency guardianship, that's okay.!!
I found that getting myself educated to my rights and speaking with confidence changed how I was dealt with. When I spoke with obvious confidence the hospital started doing their job.
Spend some time asking questions here, we have all been through the hospital nonsense. Research your state laws on POA and use that information to say, she won't assign and I am not willing to accept the responsibility of being her legal representative.
Telling the hospital no is always met with pressure from them, so know this and know that you are not legally obligated to be your moms caregiver. You CAN SAY NO!
You can do this! Heads up, it will be hard and the hospital will threaten you, she will threaten you, APS will show up again but, you don't have to take her back in to your home.
Great big warm hug filled with strength. You got this!
"In response to my siblings, neither will help whatsoever...because she was abusive when we were young."
You allowed your mother into the inner sanctum where your children are. You didn't see the boundary. Have you considered seeing a therapist yourself so that you can identify and create healthy boundaries? Through her abuse, your mother made it a point to destroy your ability to do this yourself. She's still doing it and now you're allowing your children to be exposed to the same treatment. You won't be able to "fix" your mother or her situation or make her happy. You're not responsible for her happiness. May you gain clarity and then peace in your heart.
Your first priority has to be to your kids and yourself. So please forget about PT, OT, and psych nursing because they aren't going to help anything. Your mother cannot receive the level of care she needs at your house anymore. She needs care facility placement. Please don't get talked into homecare because it's not going to work for your situation. I've worked homecare for almost 25 years. Trust me when I tell you that when a person is as bad off and out of it as you describe her here, homecare will be no help.
Please speak to her social worker (I'm sure she has one) and insist that they find her care facility placement.
You can still help her by being her advocate.
She needs skilled nursing care available at all times. She is not able to benefit from PT, OT, etc. due to psychiatric symptoms. She likely needs to be in a locked unit, even once she is stabilized on psychiatric medications.
None of her needs can be met well enough in the community for her safety.
You and your children need to be safe in your own home, and she cannot return.
As a community nurse and former APS worker, this is a situation that would 'have my hair on fire', as the saying goes. You and your children could benefit from counseling. The anxiety of living with her has caused fear for all of you, and you deserve care and comfort.
Have you talked to her doctor about the outbursts, memory issues, and that you are trying to work from home, raising small children? Since he is offering you a little in home medical assistance, definitely ask for the psych nurse to visit. You would then have some documentation that may address her mental status and avoid having to deal with APS in the future. Medical record would help you out. The visits from other in home people could be tried after psych nurse - it's very possible her having some visitors can have a positive effect for her. On the other hand, it might set her off...but at least you would have medical people there who would witness and document for you.
You should also talk to her doctor about best way to get her to rehab with a move to a nursing facility. (Much easier to go from hospital to rehab to NH than from home in most cases) Just tell him everything you said here and let him know her mental status, your kids and your job just aren't working together anymore and that you have tried hard. Some drs are like caretakers and help you, while others are like non-caretaker siblings and will never see/understand your job.
While I was living at home, I lost a job. Then I landed a new job and had to take time off to go to these meetings with these APS folks and other people who were involved. It was a real nightmare. I had other responsibilities like work, school and raising a child. One thing I can say about APS is that they can be pretty stupid at times. Instead of getting the contacts involved with a patient's care and gaining access to medical records as proof of said illnesses, they keep investigating the caregiver.
In your case, I would start looking for a nursing home for mom. I don't mean to sound redundant, but sometimes it comes down to your life or theirs. It is not worth losing your job over, so do the necessary thing and start protecting yourself.
But I am of the opinion that it is our duty to care for our parents that (put food, clothes and roof over your head). This is the social contract we've had as Humans for eons.
So, I now have a few questions.
Why? Are your siblings not helping because it is their duty too.
Did the social contract get broken with them...?
If she really is as bad then someone needs to be the leader. That means you or a sibling needs to get the POA. Go get a lawyer. I believe you that she as gone off the rails. POA means you get to make the choices. I am all for keeping a elder family member at home as long as you can. But there are points when more help is need or do they need to go to some place better and safer for the care giver and the person needing the care.
And Yes in some states if you have been caring for your mom your legally responsible.
You need to talk to a lawyer.
So Yes your morally responsible to care for your family members.
An with a POA you get to make the choices that protects the whole family.
I wish you better days ahead. If it take a Village to raise a child, it takes a Village to care for a elder.
"...with a POA you get to make the choices that protects the whole family " correct, and in this scenario the OPs mom should go into a facility so that she and her innocent and vulnerable children are protected.
You have done all you can do, she will not get better. The next time she goes in the hospital, do not take her home, she will become a ward of the state and they will find her a place to live.
From what you describe she is beyond helping, don't destroy you or your family because of her.
Take care of you!