This is my first time on a caregivers site. I moved my Dad here a year ago when his wife had a health crisis brought on by his bad behavior and craziness. He's 95. He lived with us for all of 2 weeks before he found needing help on our stairs to be "dehumanizing" so we found him a nursing home close by. He hates being here. He wants to go back to NC. He always has terrible stories about the nursing home- but when I communicate with staff it turns out I only know 25% of the story. The truth is he is mean, vindictive and wouldn't tell the truth when he can think up a lie instead. In the year he has been here he has only called when he needs something, wants me to fix something or bring him somewhere. I try to be there at least 3 times a week and my husband does the same. I have told him that as soon as Medicaid pays his nursing home bill I will take him back to NC. This month things with him have gotten worse. As his health improves his behavior gets worse. This week I have hung up on him 3 different times. He calls me to tell me crazy stories that he knows will make me crazy. He called me 3 times in a few hours with different reasons for why he is still doing the one thing he knows makes me crazy- and laughed like hell when I finally lost it and yelled at him. Today I told him I was not having anymore crazy conversations with him and he should call someone else and I hung up. But how can I not answer the phone when I'm the family member here? I've been the devoted daughter, always taken him out, seen him every weekend. And I'm done. I can't do crazy anymore. I'm not going to see him this weekend. I found a therapist- it's not enough. Today I found myself looking up how much medication I needed to take to kill myself. I thought maybe I'd reach out here instead. My husband doesn't understand why I let it get to me. He says my Dad can only make me crazy if I let him. I have no one else to talk to. I don't know what else to do. It took his wife 7 months to get all the information we needed for the Medicaid application. This could take another 6 months or a year before the bill is paid. Right now there is almost $150,000 due. And it's in my name because I signed all the papers to get him into the nursing home. I am at the end of my rope. I hate my life with him in it. I was getting by until he decided that this week was "let's see how much we have to piss off Jen till she sends me back to NC" week. I don't know if this is the right place to post this. I don't even know what to ask. I don't know if there is anything anyone can say to make me feel better or see light at the end of the tunnel. I have a feeling everyone else handles this so much better than I ever will.
I don’t know why his wife feels she can dictate when he can return to her. Text or call her saying paying the bill is not your responsibility and things are not working out and send him back to her.
You don’t need this headache!
This is what desperation does.
She just needs to NOT take all of his calls or see him so frequently.
Even though she signed is she really responsible for the cost of his care? Hopefully someone might come forth with that answer.
What a spot to be in! Not worth your life, though.
My husband is wonderful but they don’t see as much as we do so how can they understand like we do? I get that and want to be fair to him. I feel awful if I am frustrated and take things out on him. I do apologize when that rarely happens.
Can you tell the wife that you tried to help your dad and he isn’t being reasonable so back he goes? Why is this heavy load all on your shoulders? So sorry that you have to deal with this. Take care.
"I have a feeling everyone else handles this so much better than I ever will."
Honestly, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry or that.
Nope! They don't. *Everybody* just pedals as fast as they can.
I am so glad to read your follow up comments. I have a feeling you will come through this pretty well. Hugs.
I'm a bit late to this thread. Others upthread gave you great advice so I won't repeat it. I was so relieved to read the thread that you're now protecting yourself and feeling better! Continue on not taking his calls and not responding to his actions or words.
Please keep us updated or don't hesitate to vent. Lean on us. {giving you a big ol' bear hug}
I too am glad to see her here. It is nice to see her answer everyone and keep checking in. That is a rare and kind quality.
My mother has me and my brother. When he called with a little sniffle, she was all over it. "Oh, your brother is sick. Poor him. He shouldn't do anything. Just rest in bed. Poor boy."
With me, even when I was coughing my head off right in front of her, "I need you to drive me to go buy xyz (some random totally unnecessary things that could wait a few days.)
Focus on you for awhile, it will strengthen you so you can build some reserves.
Regarding this alleged debt you describe: I'd immediately consult with an attorney to find out your rights and defenses. Maybe, they are wrong about this.
I wish you all the best and bless you for being there for your family. Call a crisis center and seek help, because there is always help for situations like this. Please post about what you are able to find out. This is a great place to come for support and ideas. I learn something here everyday.
Please read the posts here, every time you feel like giving in to your father’s demands. You don’t need to do this, and certainly not alone.
Sticking my neck out here. Has his wife’s crisis passed? Why is she not keeping him in a facility near her? Does she have all her mental faculties? If she needs assistance in decision making for her husband’s care, there should be resources in her location. She is still his wife, after all. Why was this all dumped on you? Spouses have obligations here. Just my initial thoughts.
That being said, he’s in your locale now, but he doesn’t have to be your monkey, not your circus. As one whose sons have made it clear they do not ever intend to assist me in any way, not even a visit, a few house repairs, I know we are on our own, in our old age. Hub’s daughter doesn’t bother to call, has her own mental health diagnosis. And I’m not wanting to deal with her issues. As a stepmother, I see why the previous wives didn’t deal well with her.
So, as soon as the bills are caught up, move him back to be close to his wife. There was once something there, as they got married. Let the professionals do what they do, and reclaim your life. I don’t mean to suggest going no contact. But if that’s your only option for your own peace, nobody here would counsel you to sacrifice yourself for a parent.
I believe in taking care of family until they cross the line where your mental and/physical health declines, well your dad cross that line. Just because he is your dad doesn't mean he has the right to verbally abuse you and that is what he is doing.
But you have more power than you think you do. He needs you, you don't need him. Do what others here has said, "stop taking his calls."
Once Medicaid comes in and pays the bill I would buy a train ticket or whatever I had to and send his butt back to NC and tell his wife to put him in a NH there and that you are done with him.
Remember just because he is your dad doesn't mean he has the right to treat you anyway he wants. Take back your power!
Most of us are not trained in dealing with the situation that we find ourselves in, but we do the best we can with what we have, and that is all you can do and did.
Stay strong--you can get through this. We are all here for you.
Hugs!!
Caregiving is a long difficult road, and we're happy you have found the support of others here on this site. Some of our most dedicated users have already reached out with some great advice and support for you.
However, there are limits to what untrained members on our site can provide.
As they have noted, it is necessary that you take care of yourself. Please reach out to experts for additional support and the help you need 24 hours a day at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
Call 1-800-273-8255
Here are the facts about the right amount of meds: It does not exist. If you take a huge amount, you will vomit and aspirate, not absorbing enough to kill yourself.
Then you will have failed at that too! So please do not even entertain that idea anymore. You are already doing better deciding to reach out to the caregivers who have been where you are, burned out.
It may be that you will need to go No contact with your Dad. Your therapist can help you, because for some caring people, it will feel like a withdrawal from a drug after not having to endure the chaos of it all. You will, however,start to feel better!
Your own ideas of not calling or taking his calls are exactly right! Take it easy, and do not feel bad if you cave in, slip up, or even miss feeling so bad. You can do this!
Actually, you can do this by practicing not doing anything for awhile.
Attend some kind of support group that suits you.
Spring is arriving, take that walk around the block, and keep posting here!
It is called SPRING BREAK!
You can't change him and I understand it gets to you. That is the caring gene you have within. That's why I mentioned the above. You do not need to take his calls. Perhaps you could start by allowing yourself one each day and taper off from that. He sounds like a terrible role model of a father. I understand the importance of family but not to the point of being abused. You are clearly being verbally abused therefore lessen your exposure to that behaviour.
People here handle situations in all sorts of different manners and have the same with behaviors of those in their lives. Your life is valid. You made a positive step by seeking help here. I hope others will offer guidance. I feel that answering his calls is a huge irritant and unjustified. Please attempt some steps to find the you that will gradually be who you want to be.
You are right, you have to wait until the NH gets paid. You can't pay that.
Here's the thing, he enjoys making you crazy and you know that. He gets his kicks by hurting people, that's how you ended up with him. He is obviously mental, he needs a geriatric psychologist to put him on meds that calm him down.
You do not have to take his calls, period. You have done the best you can and it isn't good enough for him but that doesn't mean you dance faster, it means you move away from his sphere of hateful narcissism. If you don't know what narsisistic is, please do some research, it helped me understand a great deal about my parents and their behavior. It will help you understand. You have nothing to feel guilty about, stop beating yourself up and wanting to end your life because of this male, it is time to disconnect, at least for a while if not permanently. The NH will let you know if he has an emergency or if he NEEDS something, what he wants doesn't even matter at this point, so no need to talk to him. You could tell him that you don't want to hear from him, that just made my dad call all the more to prove he was my boss I guess, didn't work i didn't answer his calls and I didn't return them either. You can just decide that you aren't going to take his calls for a week and let him figure it out, I would block his number personally.
I wish I could take you in my arms and give you a big hug and tell you that you matter, whether he sees it or not, you matter.
Take a break and figure out how you will keep him at arms length from here on out, he doesn't deserve your devotion any longer, he doesn't appreciate it and has ruined for himself forever, give your husband the love and devotion you want to give your dad, he will appreciate it.
Step back, breathe, block number and set boundaries, then wait a week to talk to dad, 1st ugly word, hang up and repeat above. You can do this.
I was trying to think of what I wanted to say to the OP, but you said it better than I could.
You will get more responses.