My dad is 96, limited eyesight, doesn't like TV, or reading. He's ADHD and I can't fill his day with enough activities. HELP.

It sounds like your dad does get out and that you have some great support in caring for him. Friends and neighbors who pick him up and take him places. You mentioned that you take him home after dinner at 8:30 so I'm assuming that he lives alone?

And you mentioned the things that he won't do, things that he can't do. You tried the adult daycare. You tried encouraging him to paint a room and to peel vegetables, mop the floor and do the laundry. I understand that he needs to feel needed, I totally get that, my dad was the same way. But maybe having his whole day structured and full of tasks isn't possible. You've tried all kinds of ideas and none of them have worked. I'm sure you will get all kinds of suggestions here, that's what's great about this site, but if his eyesight is poor and he isn't willing to try new things I'm not sure where you go from here. I don't think he needs to be entertained all day long and even if you could find a day's worth of activities for him would he enjoy them? If your dad refuses to use a cane or a walker and his balance is iffy you have to take that into consideration too.

I wish I were more help but help's a comin'! And you!! A baby at 47!! Wow!! You really do have your hands full, don't you? Try to relax. If your dad finds himself with free time it's not the end of the world. Asking for advice here was a great idea, you'll get all kinds of suggestions but your dad doesn't have to be occupied every minute of the day. I wish I had some solid suggestions for you but between the poor eyesight and the balance issues and things he's already rejected I don't have a clue what might engage your dad. But no more ladders and leaf blowing the roof!! That's asking for trouble.

What about getting a dog? Seriously, that dog would keep him busy as nothing else would. Training, feeding, washing, walking, grooming, brushing, playing, and just being a good companion..etc... Your dad sounds awesome and needs to feel useful. A dog, even an older adult dog, rescued from the shelter, would be plenty to keep him occupied. If that isn't possible, I don't know what to tell you. The man is doing more in a day than most people his age do in a week already! Oh, and if his sight is failing, what about audio books? Let him do all that he still can, even if he doesn't do it well and you have to go behind him, or help him...like with the vegetables. This is a tough one.. maybe others will have better suggestions..

I usually agree with you, but I don't know about the dog idea, SA. A dog for someone with balance issues and poor eyesight would be a total trip hazard. Dogs and cats can really be all over you when you're walking. And what happens when the dad goes? Dogs like that are often taken back to the shelter, which isn't fair to the dog AT ALL. Only consider a dog if it's your dog for the life of the dog.

I agree that sometimes we can't make our elders 100% happy. HoTardE, your dad is very, very rigid in his outlook, which means probably nothing will make him happy. He's not happy where he is in life and you can't change that. You can't make him younger or give him his eyesight back. You can't get him to understand that he's EARNED some downtime, even though he has. My armchair psychologist self tells me that he's not really happy with the person he is. That his 'enough' is never enough, so he's always got to be doing more. But I don't know how you fix that at his age. I grew up in a military family and my dad (a retired Chief Master Sergeant) was the exact opposite of your dad. Once he retired, he liked nothing more than to sleep and relax he wanted everyone else to wait on him hand and foot. He was like Tom Sawyer, getting everyone else to whitewash the fence for him.

So I'm with Eyerishlass - you've done a LOT and you should (unlike your dad) give yourself a pat on the back, relax, and say, "Good job". You're already doing more than half of the people on this site to keep your dad happy. You don't have to do more. It's your dad's issue, not yours.

It's wonderful that your Dad has reached 96. What about having someone read to him or listen to the radio or cds? My Dad, WWII vet, helped out at the local Senior Center putting Meals together for the drivers to deliver until he got ill. He was very much like your Dad. He received awards every year for his volunteer help. What is the problem with his eyes? If he is only taking a baby aspirin..Wow..maybe he is a candidate for cataract surgery? It sounds like he gets a lot of social contact and that's great. Hope you find solutions.

Could he dictate his memoirs of his life in the military? Is there a local VA hospital that might have special vet programs?

Public and state libraries often have "books by mail" programs, that can include large print and/or audiobooks -- you have to register for these special services. Another idea if there is space: Hydroponics (growing stuff indoors). Your Dad also sounds like he'd be an excellent volunteer somewhere, or even a greeter or docent perhaps organize his lifetime papers into a family archives. Genealogy can be quite absorbing and there is adaptive technology to interface with the likes of Ancestry.com. You have a different type of challenge than most of us with 90 plussers. But truly as exhausting but more in the sense of your nurturant nature wanting to keep a vibrant soul stimulated by life. To a certain extent, just like a teenager he does have to find his own relationship to life, he is relying upon you to figure things out for him with his ego's exacting requirements. I wonder if an eldercare social worker would have more ideas? Good luck with this, you are wrestling with some of life's biggest challenges and you obviously love and are rising to the occasion. Try to step back for a few minutes and see your father as a player in a movie rather than taking 100% responsibility for his psyche. I know you will do that anyway, but just try to take an objective view for seconds at a time. You may discover something you cannot see by looking.

Blannie, I get what you're saying about dogs that jump around, get in the way, drag people down the street... Not good. I feel you. Yeah, maybe that's not such a great idea...

I'm stumped by this. What about an indoor garden he has to take care of? Or a Beta fish? House plants to care for?

But yeah, I agree with you, Blannie. You can't make someone happy if nothing satisfies them.... If you know you've done your best and the elderly person just isn't happy anyway, well, what can you do? They're just going to have to stay unhappy, sad to say...

Thank you all for your suggestions.....I have been reading others questions with the answers they have gotten, and together with your answers i am going to think of more things for him to do......he was a great dad, and I am sad he is feeling abandoned... I have the best situation in that his house is only 2 streets away. So I can take him back home after he comes over When my siblings have him, they have him 24:7 so they don't do it alot...it would be nice if at at 95 museums , botanical gardens etc would give discounted or free tickets. I am going to call...being a Depression child, $ is scarey for him. He is not wealthy, but very comfortable and could afford to go places. His eye sight
is diminishing, but he won't admit how much..it hurts him socially because he pretends to see but doesn't know he is standing in the entryway, who he is talking to, can't read a menu, can't see the movie on the screen, ...eye sight diminishing is his problem
To end this with a funny story...he started complaining that his electric bill had gone up and had ours gone up? My husband asked him how much it went up and he says $.05 ! he is very serious and was about to call and complain..
But he would cross the street for a dime if it were on the ground...so to spend money is hard for him and that also is a problem...thank you again for your suggestions...

I'd say at age 96 that he's doing quite well. When eyesight is limited, turn to sound.....music, books on tape, CD's with sounds of birds,waterfalls, waves, and trees rustling. Things I love to hear. Keep up the company he has. God Bless you too!

Actually like the idea of a dog. Understand all the safety issues. But if you can find something older that would just sit at his feet. An elderly lab would be good but you would have to be prepared to take over. Could he manage the care and walk it three times a day. He's independent so is going to continue till something happens. But take the ladders away. He can keep the leaf blower. maybe he can blow neighbors leaves too. Can you separate the laundry into loads so he can continue to help with that. How much are your kids prepared to help? It's good that he goes to all games but can they take him on long walks. if you will inherit all this assets do you have a problem paying for tickets now? Of course if N/H becomes inevitable Medicare will take everything as there is no living spouse. I am sure others will have good suggestions.

You are doing great!

Your dad seems to be receiving lots of care and activities for a man 96. He seems driven to do things his way, so I would do what you can but not stress over trying to entertain him or keep him busy.

I would ask his doctor to get an OT to come to his home and teach him how to be as independent as possible with limited sight. Have him fold clothes/perhaps put them away if he can see well enough with using his sense(touch).Perhaps a PT or exercise person to have him safely exercise in a chair each day.

The refusal to use a cane or walker will likely lead to a fall(s) --if he hasn't fallen yet. No man likes to use either, but I asked my father to think about how a broken hip would restrict his movement and perhaps mean he would be stuck in a nursing home the rest of his life. Needless to say, my father had a high IQ was a construction worker all his work days--knew the walker was a small price to pay if it kept him on his feet. Your dad will have to make some concessions to his "enemy" (military mindset) old age. He is putting up a good fight against the enemy but all the elderly know that in the end old age wins out.

Don't think you need to entertain them. I found just being with my dad gave him lots of peace of mind. My dad had a daily routine which included mass on tv, prayer, taking a nap at 3 pm, doing some exercise from his chair, reading his 3 daily newspaper, drinking his favorite tea, discussing the news with me ... Before his Cateract surgery, he would listen to books on tape. Being military, get a tape of books on generals or battles of the US Army. He might be interested in them.

Good luck.

As a mother of a son with ADHD, start supplying him with Mountain Dew. That extra caffeine slows the person with ADHD down, doesn't speed them up like those who aren't hyperactive. In fact, that's one sure way to tell if your kid has ADD/ADHD... caffeine. Unfortunately for me, our son hated carbonated drinks, so bummer.

Goodness, I can't count how many people responded with the suggestion of books on tape, when the person already said (twice) that the father wouldn't listen to them for the fear that he would fall asleep and felt that would equate to laziness! I am also low vision. I had planned to spend retirement years reading and am facing having to listen to the books instead of reading them. I fall asleep, too (also do it when reading visually) so quit suggesting it for him, already! I think if he could get a trained service dog that would be more a solution that some of you seem to think. Such a dog is trained not to be in the way, and could also go on walks and guide the man if it is trained for the visually impaired.

Ho - you haven't said what I can dish in has cause your father's vision problems, so I'm going to surmise that whatever it is, it isn't correctable and it will continue to deteriorate. All else I write here is based on that assumption.

Sometime in the near future, your dad will not be able to see at all and will not continue to be home alone. When? Maybe his ophthalmologist could predict that for you. Considering his bent for independence, it seems to me that you will need to have someone living with him full time at that point if he is to remain at home.

Looking ahead, he may very well need to be in a nursing home or skilled nursing facility. If he owns his own home and you want to protect that from the MedicAid 5 year lookback, having a family member live with him for 2 years to prevent the need for him going to a nursing home would most likely allow you to conserve his home and not have the system take it for his expenses. You would have to see a Medicaid knowledgeable eldercare attorney to make sure it is setup correctly, and you would have to have doctors certify that he shouldn't be living alone (which kind of seems like a no brainer, except for your father's belief that he's OK by himself), and I'm thinking maybe your 19 year old may be willing to take on that task.

How many bedrooms does your father's home have? You could put your 19 year old in one bedroom and another caregiver you find in an additional bedroom, someone who does live in care whom you find through the Department of Aging or maybe even through one of the churches your father attends.

Now, how would you get your father to go along with this? The answer seems so simple to me, as an outsider looking in, that your father is the kind of person who will bend over backwards to help someone else. If he believed that your 19 year old and another person from the church really badly needed housing, your dad may be super inclined to assist. Of course your child and the caregiver (who COULD be someone who needs a roof over his/her head, and may be willing to assist your dad just for room and board) would be "IN ON" what was up with your dad but never ever reveal it to him. Your dad's grand child living with him for 2 years would satisfy the home protection requirement and the other person, the caregiver if you will, would basically take all the pressure of the 19-year-old, who would just more or less be supervising the care. But between the two of them and their needs, they could keep your dad relatively busy why your dad could be thinking he's doing them a service as well as doing it needed things for them as long as he can.

Now, I can hear that you may already be saying to yourself that this is not ethical to lie to your father. ln my own case, having been a direct or indirect caregiver to 9 family members or friends, 8 with different forms of dementia and one with me Gehrig's disease, I can tell you that I and other members of this forum find that we often must fib to our loved ones for their own good, due to their stubbornness, their inability to appropriately assess their condition, or a myriad of other reasons. This goes by a variety of names, I call it therapeutic lying. You can google it and you will find how often it is used in care taking patients, just out of sheer need to care take them safely.

I would also add that after 40+ years in volunteer animal welfare work, this does not seem do you need to be an appropriate time or place for a dog. Unless the dog is a seeing eye dog, there will be problems and the likelihood of placing such a dog with a 95 year old is negligible. The training is very costly and when they match a dog with a patient, they need to plan for it to go on for a number of years. If your dad were more cooperative or competent to be able to fulfil certain tasks, a regular dog might be an option. But seriously, if he can't adequately peel a potato, how could he appropriately care for a living being. I might change my mind about this if he had his grandchild and another adult living with him. Volunteers who work at shelters rehabilitating dog for placement could choose a calm, older dog that may be a perfect fit for your dad if he would even like a dog and if he has help caring for the dog. ln such a case, try to find a medium/large dog with a shortcut for easy maintenance.

sorry for these corrections, my android voice recognition is faulty:

(P 1) ... you haven't said what EYE CONDITION has CAUSED

(P 5) ... take all the pressure OFF the 19-year-old
(P 5) ... keep your dad relatively busy WHILE your dad could be thinking
(P 5) ... as well as doing OTHER needed things for them

(P 6) ... one with LOU Gehrig's disease (ALS)

(P 7) ... volunteer animal welfare work, THIS CASE DOES NOT SEEM TO ME TO BE an appropriate time

(P 7) ... medium/large dog with a SHORT COAT for easy maintenance
_____________

I should have said that my suggestion for a medium/large dog is so that when the dog would be standing next to your dad, your dad could feel the dog's head. As your dad just becomes more and more impaired, tactile considerations will become paramount to allow him to continue feeling as if he is part of the sighted world.

Can he polish silver or brass items? Shiny is god for the visually impaired. Don't have any? Go to Good Will. How about polishing shoes, breaking down cardboard boxes, shredding paper, stirring a compost pile with a pitchfork, fishing on the shore at a small local lake (we have one at a local park). Just trying to brainstorm. Also, call a local center for sight and hearing. My cousin was able to get some machines that magnified text and reversed images from black on white to white on black. Made it easier to see.

The idea above of getting young people around him could keep him entertained. College students have some time and need money. They also have interests that may stimulate your dad. The point about making your dad feel that he is helping others seems like a good one too. Can you find some students that would come as often as possible (2 hours a day?) and have planned activities with dad? The idea about genealogy is great. Could you get someone to ask questions of him and record all that he can remember? Then record and organize the information? You could get a great memento out of that. The project could continue endlessly, as his decline progresses the same info could be gone over again and again without boring him. Since he likes to do yard work, could you get someone to "assist" him with the yard work, he doesn't have to know that the real reason they are there is to protect him and it doesn't matter how much leaf blowing does or doesn't get done. Maybe a "chauffeur" could take him here, there, no where just to occupy his time. Someone to come and walk with him, as he is able. I know college students might not be around indefinitely but if you have several and each is doing something that they find interesting and getting paid for it you might be able to satisfy your dad until he passes into a phase that is less demanding for you. Another group of people that might be able to do these types of things are seniors. Maybe you could find some at the senior center or churches. (They might even volunteer.) My point is just finding a group of people who would come see dad on a regular basis to occupy him. You could even make a master schedule and keep the slots as full as possible.
P.S. Even if he peels most of the vegetable away, that's okay. :-)

I forgot to say that I think the idea of your 19 yo living with dad is a good one. He could supervise the people coming to spend time with your dad. He might even have some friends that would be willing to help out with some activities for your dad. Bless you for all you're doing!

My mother sounds as if she'd be a good match for him.She thrives on organization and is most happy and relaxed with schedules soooooo
I put her charge of "inventory". She keeps track of what I have in Kitchen and bathroom and what I need or will need soon.
As she enjoys the news so we always have something to discuss.If there's a big news story HOORAH! she is busy for hours and we exchange opinions throughout the day on developments (though I have explain often).
She enjoys organization so again I let her plan out cupboards of food,storage and like for greater "efficiency".
She keeps "fit" using my 3lb barbells and Wii games of bowling, golf etc.
We also also enjoy these so everyone is happy.
Cane: she will not use it.She is 93 but feels it makes her look old.
There are unobtrusive tech devices you can install that will alert you to falls in the house; mats, sensors and the like.
Reminders: again a million gadgets offering voice and/or alarms that "remind" our parents what to do or not to do when we are not around to monitor their activities.
I have 2 rescue pits.They take turns visiting with her when I am busy elsewhere in the house. It's company for her and they love the attention.I should add that they are well trained and quiet around her. One has taken his job very seriously and accompanies her around the house alerting us to any unusual situation.He clocks in for breakfast, takes break after lunch then watches TV or sits on the porch with her until dusk.He too has found a job and loves it.
She keeps track of their grooming needs, vet appts., and potty/play schedule.
In the summer we have a garden; she washes Etc.then helps bag or ready our produce for canning or freezer.It's seasonal work but it's a job.
She enjoys a trip to thrift shops as it frugal living and many items jog her memories which in turn leads to more interesting conversation for us both.
I hope this helps.

10/4/13 again thank you for all the responses...they have given me some good thoughts to share with siblings...he has macular degeneration, and alot is not liking to not know how to do something....thank you all for your suggestions.
Hopefully your answers will help others too....