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My 93 year old mom with significant dementia has one helper who is successful at getting her out for car rides, going through the drive through, etc. Sounds good but lately it seems like she then has a rougher rest of the day. I understand the stress of getting out and being in a new environment. Should I tell the helper to stop taking her out?

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Responding to ladyj1949:
What haven't the GP, geriatrician, psych-geriatrician, hospital specialists tried? Since I posted the previous response a month ago, things have gone from bad to worse. Mother's 24 hour circadian rhythm has spun out to 36-48 hours, which is very trying for staff when she is awake, yet very concerning when she sleeps for most of a 24 hour period. She is impossible to wake, such is the depth of her slumbers. She has had a number of CT scans and nothing remarkable is detected.
Recently I asked members of this forum for any ideas about the constant tears, but no one had any definitive answer as to why it happens let alone what can be done about it. Believe it or not, I was grateful that there seemed to be no solution forthcoming. There is so much experience among members here that if no one has a solution, or even a direction to try, there probably is no answer.
Mother has reached the stage where she stares right through us, then says she hates the other residents, then uses her feet to propel her wheelchair over to the other residents where they either stare at one another, or have 4 different conversations between themselves, which make no sense, but no one listens to the other anyway.
Of the 20 residents in this memory care unit, 7 were taken out for Christmas festivities. I understand trying to settle them all that night when they returned was a nightmare for the staff. My mother did not help matters much either. After an out of routine lunch with my sister provided by staff, a few small gifts, some soft music, some private chit chat, she was more tearful than usual. She rolled out of bed a few times, slipped out of her wheelchair and grazed her head, and was generally uncontrollable.
Taking her out in the car would have been a whole world of pain for both her and my sister. It was simply not worth even trying. Fortunately mother has stopped asking now.
The only light in her life is the weekly visit when my sister takes the cat to the facility. Even then there are times where she shows no interest, does not even stroke the cat. One day she even shooed it off her lap rather abruptly. That is just not the mother we knew. She would rather cut off her arm than upset her precious moggie.
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Thanks, everyone, for all the great comments. I appreciate all of your thoughtful comments. It is really interesting to read all of your experiences!!
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That is going to have to be addressed at a few different times of the day. Then see how your mother reacts.
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Before giving up on the outings, you could try a different time of day, or shortening the duration of the outing and never back to back days. I would take mom and dad out when I knew that they were rested.
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It really depends on the person.  If you feel like your mom is confused or combative after returning from a car ride, then it may not be the thing for her.  Some folks with dementia do not like being outside of their comfort zone.  There is no right or wrong answer.  Do what you feel is best for your mom and her situation.

My mom is in the stage where she likes a short car ride and an ice cream cone, but does not handle a family get together at my house very well.  She gets confused and wants to go back to her apartment.
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It's good to provide consistency in Mom's routines. It is also good to provide opportunities for interactions with people and getting a bit out of the house. I suggest you consider limiting times of her outings to mornings and shorter in duration. Most folks with dementia do better in the morning and need to relax a bit in the afternoons.
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My Husband loved going for a ride.
He enjoyed walking through Sam's Club and Costco. Both have wide aisles and large carts for him to easily walk. (I would leave his usual walker in the car)
But when it got difficult to get him into the car safely and out safely I stopped taking him out.
I know he still would have enjoyed the ride but his safety was first.
Same with your mom if there is anything that is upsetting to her, a change in the routine or if it becomes unsafe the rides have to stop.
Can she take her for a walk? A ride in a wheelchair? Just getting out for a few minutes might help.
(If you are in a cold area and if she is using a wheelchair don't stress about putting on a coat the "usual" way, put it on backwards so the opening is in the back. This will protect her torso, chill is blocked by the back of the chair and a throw over the lap and legs will keep her warm enough for a quick walk)
Bottom line is ...you are the employer, if you don't want mom out for rides because it stresses her out and you have to deal with the fall out later then tell her no more rides, end of discussion.
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Even if there was a way of coping with the physical challenges associated with her inability to walk, her incontinence, her rapid mood swings and physical violence, there is no way we would attempt to take our mother for a ride anywhere. She gets confused when we wheel her out of the memory care unit and take her into the common area where there is a coffee shop, a distance of about 60 metres. Sometimes she gets confused just being wheeled to the dining room!
Usually after these events, most especially when she has been triggered by something as minor as a loudly banging door, she is very very difficult to settle. Does not matter the time of day, either.
She keeps saying she would love to go for a drive but her world has shrunk so much over the last 8 months we are convinced it would be too traumatic.
I rather suspect it is a habit request rather than a genuine desire to take a ride, a bit like wanting to go home but not able to remember what home is, or where.
Tornadojan, I would ask the carer to keep observation notes about each trip, note anything that might trigger an adverse reaction...say, raining, heavy traffic, people staring, loud music...and see if a pattern emerges. That pattern will tell you whether and when to stop the trips. I would love to be able to take my mother for even just a ride around the block, but the repercussions are too distressing for her, for us and most particularly for the wonderful staff who have to pick up the pie es when we leave.
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Ladyj1949 Jan 2020
Has medication been tried on your mother for mood stabilization? I ask because my recently deceased spouse had Parkinson's with lewy body dementia. He became combative and I had to place him in a nursing home. They put him on Dilantin to stabilize his mood swings. After a year I brought him home to care for him. He had periods of restlessness and he kept trying to get out of his wheelchair. Clonipine was added to settle him down. It worked somewhat but what really did the trick was seroquile, morning and night. He rarely had flare ups. He did sleep a lot but he slept a lot before the meds. At times when I talked to him he could answer me back.
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I think it's great your caregiver takes your mom out to enjoy a different scenery on occasion. My mother 94 loves to go out. She even asks me every week when we are going for a ride. She doesn't like to get dressed so i let her go in her night clothes and throw a coat on her and boots. I take her to a farmer's market and buy her ice cream. She loves that. We live in a tourist area so i drive her her all around the beach area to look at people, shops and the ocean. It helps me as well to get out of the apartment where there's only TV for entertainment. It does break up the day. Usually when she is very tired when we get back from a drive but she thanks me which makes it worthwhile. So maybe your caregiver could either just go for small drives or fewer times a week. Play it by ear. I think you can sense if it's a good idea or not by how your LO reacts.
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oyadancing Jan 2020
EssieMarie, you are such a good daughter! The thought of you going out with your mama in her night clothes, coat, and boots just tickled me and brought a tear to my eye. Such a good idea, and I anticipate having to have to follow your example eventually.
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93 Wonderful Bless her, maybe you can explain to the helper can she limited the outing time to maybe once a week, your mother has aged and needs her rest, we are like babies when we get to a certain point in our lives with age, we need more rest as we age, that will not make us stronger but it's helping us to be sociable but we still need rest or she can become so exhausted that she can start to become a fall risk.
😊Praise God for you and your mother, aging gracefully👍.
Keep her this way as long as her body can handle it, but also be fair to mom; she lived her life in retirement, Let her get some REST and not Burnout.
I think the caregiver means no harm, just trying to keep mom's pep in her steps😊. It just have to be explained what is being noticed. Mother may not feel comfortable telling the caregiver.
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My mother is soon to be 92. She has been in a nursing home for over 1 1/2 yrs. She has senile dementia. I think it started before my father died when she was 65. She had gone to the nurses station stating that she was supposed to go somewhere but she didn't remember where or when. They told her they would call me, since I am her health care representive. I talked to her and she was really confused. She said she a just gotten back from a plane ride to Tenn. The was in her imagination. I explained that she was going with one of my sisters to her daughter's house for Thanksgiving the following week. She said I needed to come get her and take her somewhere. I asked where and she said to her house. I reminded her that it had been sold but I could take her by it. I then told her that my husband had died very early that morning. She said never mind I probably had things to do. I told her no I would come get her. The nursing home was to get her dressed and ready. Couldn't get ahold of my sister so contacted one of my 7 brothers. He agreed to go with me. My sister later contacted us and said if we needed a place to go, we could come to her house and she would go get chicken to eat. When we got to the NH my mother was dressed but in her bed with the covers over her head. She told staff there had been 2 deaths in her family and she was sad. She also had a tray of food she hadn't eaten. My bother and I got her up and while getting her shoes on talked to her. I questioned her about the 2 deaths. She said, my husband and my father. Understood the was talking about my husband, but confused on the father part. Whose father, I asked. She said my father. We had to remind her that he had died 25 yrs. earlier. She said she wanted to go where he was. We both said he was in heaven and she said she wanted to go there. We reminded her that it was up to God when it would be time for her to join him. We took her for a ride which she seemed to enjoy. I take her for rides when she has eye, dental or heart appt. Every person is different in what they enjoy. My mom also ended up having a UTI that was causing some of her confusion. Some people it does add to their confusion. Each needs to be weigh and looked at.
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My mom, with advanced dementia, enjoys the ride & listening to music. She does not enjoy going into any building other than where she resides, so we no longer take her out for lunch, etc.
I'm sorry that she has a tough time after her drives. I would try a few things, like napping right after she gets back. But if it ruins her day, the ride has no value.
Bless you all.
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I used to take my mother out every day and now just 2-3 times per week. She does enjoy going out, but it seems to tire her more this past year. I would suggest taking her out once a week and see how she does.
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We may all reach a time in our lives when leaving the comfort of our home just isn't something we could or should do anymore. Until that time, however, I think it's important to get out and about once in a while. Get some fresh air, get some sun, get some exercise, etc. It should be enjoyable, though.

I wouldn't just assume that the helper should "stop taking her out." Find something that works that doesn't stress your mom out. Maybe there's a specific place she likes to go? Maybe its as simple as walking to the mailbox? Maybe tea on the front porch while watching the birds?

My point is... I think it's great that you have a caregiver who's willing and able to get your mom out for a bit! Work with your caregiver to find something that is truly enjoyable for your mom while your mom is still willing and able to try. A comfortable routine is important, but the trick is in finding what works. :-)
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Well, yes you should, if your mother is having a bad time for the rest of her day after one of these outings! What's the point in taking her for a car ride if it's going to create difficulties later on?? A comfortable and unchanging routine with no new places/faces or scenarios is best for a person who's suffering from dementia.
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