We have gone through almost a dozen caregivers in the past two years. We have interviewed probably 100 in total, and each one of the person's we have chosen has interviewed well, with all background checks, etc, coming back with flying colors. They tell the story of commitment and long term desires to help. Yet, with each and every one, within a couple of weeks (and in two cases a single day!), they jump ship. I just don't understand the logic of accepting the assignment, after a complete understanding of what the daily routines, hours, etc, would be, and then telling us that it just isn't what they thought it would be. Or, they don't do light housework (even though discussed in the interviews). Or, they become a 'no show', and we are left empty handed. Just today, we are experiencing the ultimate (in my mind anyway), as this person actually moved in to mom's house, as she commited to the "live-in" assignment. After just one week, she sent a text message late in the evening stating that she cannot deal with her own emotional issues . . . and she has not been seen or heard from since. Mom is at our house, and the caregiver left all of her personal belongings that she had brought to mom's house. Are there really that many unreliable caregivers out there? Our interview process is pretty extensive and detailed so there really cannot be a reason for anyone to say that they just didn't understand the job requirements. Not that mom is even all that 'difficult'. She isn't debilitated in any way. She had dementia and needs someone to watch out for her, and take her places since she cannot drive.
i totally rectified that s**t and we done pretty well the remainder of her time with me but i have no sympathy for the occasional b**chslap that life deals her to this day. the law certainly wouldnt permit an employer to do it.. lol
But i also think if certain type of facilities are available to u at your door steps then no one would go to the independent living centers or the assisted living centers .....
But i also think if certain type of facilities are available to u at your door steps then no one would go to the independent living centers or the assisted living centers .....
I am going to do extra prayers for the right person to come into ya'll's life....I know I am not powerful enough to make that happen, but please know I do understand, and hope you get some one whom you trust, is reliable, and is willing to work... I certainly am not in this for the money...... would love to get a raise, but won't ask for one.... would love for it to be her idea.... just something to let me know she appreciates me... she says she does, and I believe her. but I do ALOT for the money I make.... prayers for you and your family... and give mom a hug from me and tell her it's from "one of those people".....
To Tev, just to clarify, we are paying above the local average for services. We specifically did this so we could get the better people. And, although mom is not 'abusive' to anyone, she does have the obvious issues and frustrations that are encountered with dementia. She still wants her independence and does not understand why we require "this person" come to the house and spend time with her. And, my observations of 'going through a lot of caregivers' comes not only from my experience, but from others within my support group. They all said 'get used to it', as even one member went through 38 caregivers in 5 years, with her own mother. The reasons given by my caregivers for leaving were all issues that had been discussed in the interviews, which is what frustrated me the most. "Can you do light housekeeping?" YES, ok so why are you leaving me and saying that you don't want to do light housekeeping? . . . Are you currently seeking other employment? NO, Ok, so why did you work for me one day, and then tell me you accepted another job that you had applied for? . . . "Do you have experience with dementia patients? YES, Ok, so why are you now saying you didn't know she had dementia?. . . We even had one woman who, after accepting the position as a live in, say that her husband and kids will be so excited that she got a job. . . ?
We have always been very up front and clear in our job postings, and very extensive with scenarios and questions in our interviews. I think a lot of people are desparately out of work, and that hurts the 'real' caregiving experts like yourselves.
Maybe instead of bringing someone in, you could send MIL out ... to interact with others and to have a different kind of stimulation. I used day programs for my husband for about 4 years. (His dementia is a little beyond that now.) We experienced 3 different programs, and I can tell you that not all programs are created equal. And, yes, there tends to be a fair amount of macaroni art in all of them. Sorry, Hubby does not do macaroni art, so the best program for him was the one that did not insist all participants do everything together. That program did not allow any tv watching, but did sometimes have video programs, such as nature programs or a participant's travel pictures.
While we were using the best program (3 years) here are the things I thought were worthwhile:
Having another adult comment on "what a fun new shirt you got on vacation!". We all can use a little attention!
The chapter-a-day program. My husband loves being read to.
Travel programs, highlighting a recent or past vacation a participant took. This might be a few personal photographs and a short film obtained by the activities director about the Grand Canyon or a local attraction.
Show-and-tell about participant's hobbies, etc. Hubby loved a talk about bee-keeping. The former bee-keeper was not able to do much of the presentation himself, but the activities director was great at building a program around him.
Getting a helium balloon to bring home on his birthdays and program anniversaries. It is nice to be celebrated a little by others!
Occasional professional entertainment. Hubby hated sing-alongs, but liked some of the other programs.
Occasional field trips.
Other activities such as cooking and card-playing and jig-saw puzzles were available but not of interest to Hubby.
Personally, I cannot say enough about the value of adult day programs. A good one is extremely worth finding, in my opinion. And better, while it is feasible, than only stay-at-home support.
Also, regular Senior Centers are worth looking into for very early stage dementia patients. Unfortunately we live in a "young" community and the nearest Senior Center for us is at the other end of the county. But Hubby did enjoy their book club, where members all read the same book and had a discussion once a month. And through the center he joined a senior bowling league which became the highlight of his week. We also went on a few outings, such as a bus to a local dinner-theater matinee. (I escorted both my mom and Hubby. Nice to not have to drive or deal with the arrangements. Just show up, get on the bus, have a nice lunch, and see a funny play.)
Another thought I have is to break out the various help you need and hire "specialists." I have a homemaker who does regular cleaning and changes the bedding each week. She is from an agency specializing in serving people with handicaps and she relates well with Hubby, but that is incidental. Her main focus is on cleaning. Now that he can no longer participate in adult day programs, we have a personal care attendant coming in. Her focus is strictly on helping Hubby. She likes to keep busy and she does laundry and light housekeeping when time is available, but mainly she helps him do daily exercises, sees that he takes his pills, helps him bathe, and keeps him company while I work from home. She is also from an agency. She has 12 years experience but Hubby is her first dementia client. I was a little worried, but it is working out fine. I also try to arrange for them to go on brief outings together, such as to the science museum and the local botanical conservatory. His health hasn't been up to a lot of this, but the things they have done have been satisfactory.
Perhaps instead of trying to find one person who can do everything to your satisfaction you'd have more success finding a few people who each focus on certain duties.
In the business world, if a given job defeats several good workers, the suspicion is that there is something wrong with the way the job is set up, rather than with the workers chosen for it. I have no idea if that applies in this situation, but it might be worth a hard look. Are there ways that this job could be broken up or redefined to still meet objectives but increase the chances of success?
NewportOC, bless you for your hard work in trying to ensure the best quality of life you can for your mother. She is extremely lucky to have you on her side. I wish you great success in the frustrating job of hiring/arranging appropriate help.
Your suggestions are very helpful as additions to our already extensive interview process. The one piece of the larger dementia puzzle that I have yet to grasp, is regarding the following:
There appears to be, in my own observations, experiencing our caregivers, and in discussing with others in my support group, a sector missing for the individuals and families caring for a person with "early onset" dementia. As I stated originally, mom (actually mother in law), is 80 years young, she is in extremely great physical condition (we take her to exercise class every day), she has absolutely no "real" physical disabilities (her back hurts when she doesn't want to do something), and she pretty much can put her breakfast and lunch together with a little supervision, and needs no bathroom assistance. But, she cannot drive, and is still subject to the obvious memory and anger/frustration issues associated with dementia. She truly believes that she is perfectly fine and does not understand why we keep bringing these people into our home, and why she cannot go back to her own home alone. The caregivers we have encountered seem to be seeking clients that are debilitated or immobile, regardless of how detailed the ad or the interviews are. They don't have the gumption to take her out and actually DO things. To make her think and interact. They all want to sit in front of the television. . . Which is what I hate most in our home. Literally, on a national search, I find no programs or facilities that cater to the "day care" of those that are actually able to engage in activities more stimulating than macaroni art or just watching tv. She is at least 3-5 years away from that. In the area in which I live, the number of families that could benefit from a daycare format for the early onset dementia loved ones would be pretty significant. Has anyone else encountered a similar frustration?
Here are some suggestions to possibly weed out non preformers.. do THEY ask questions, like..... about meds, diet, fall risks, how long the person has had Alz., is your mom present when you interview, or do you have them meet her? How are they around her... do they smile when talking to her, do they touch her with genlteness, do they talk to her like she is a person, not just someone with AlZ, do they try to have a conversation with her, and how does that move forward? These are some of the things I would look for in the future.... as Carol said, not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver....this person must be vigilant, quick to pick up when assitance is needed.... for instance... I may be in the kitchen fixing lunch and hear M talking to S... I stop what I am doing and go see if S needs assistance to the bathroom, is needing to be redirected because he is rearraging the pictures again... ect...
I don't know if it is possible for you to be present for a day or two or even three to see how this person is doing with your mom and the duties you have asked of them...you will pick up if this person is performing for you, or really involved with your mom....
I am sorry this has been so difficult for you.. but as Carol suggested, possibly you will have to go thru an agency... wish I could be there for the interview, to give you a thumbs up or down.... I know ,I have been with my present family for over a year, and do not want someone coming behind me that will not give the proper care...
Also, you may ask questions in regard to what they would do in certain circumstances... such as, if Mom is being difficult, how to you help settle her down, or if Mom is reluctant to take a shower, how do you go about getting her to shower, or if Mom is not wanting to eat, what would you do.... make a list of questions..... no harm in that... if this person does not have quick and solid answers, thank them for their time... and let them go.
If you have any more questions, please ask.. There are other paid caregiver on this sight that will help by giving you suggestions also.... Some of us do really love our jobs,and the people we take care of... so my prayers are with you to find someone to help out with you Mom that is loving, compassionate and honest.... hugs to you...
You'll find a lot of people (well, let's say you already have seen this) who think this would be a good "gig", but they aren't right for the job. So few people are really good with aging elders, which is sad. That's one reason so many people go to assisted living. At least they have people around. I wish you luck in your search. Maybe others on the forum will have some tips.
Carol