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This is a complicated topic. People view sex or intimate relationships in a very personal way. Not really a one size fits all kind of thing.
I can see how a person would want to be intimacy but no longer attracted to their spouse because of drastic changes in circumstances.
Regardless of the relationship with your spouse, good or bad. Please take time for yourself. You deserve it. As long as you have provided the best care that you possibly can, then you have done your part.
I didn't like to press her, because I felt that if Peppy75 had wanted to be more open about her own situation she would have been, but I wondered if the OP was feeling shame or guilt about not loving her man in the way that she always has done and was seeking confirmation that this is normal.
It's a terrible thing to look at the man you've admired since you were a bride and feel turned off by the changes in him. Can you still love him? I'd like to say all sorts of comforting and reassuring things about the bonds between a successful married couple, and the role of oxytocin in a secure relationship, and how you might focus on all the other equally important elements involved in loving someone, and how there is intimacy beyond sexual desire.
But perhaps the truth is that he is not the man he was, and she is mourning the loss of that man.
I wondered if I was too blunt, but we are anonymous on this site. There is no better place to be frank, so perhaps we should be brave about it. I do hope that Peppy75 is OK.
I’m thinking that someone needs to be blunt about this, and no-one else seems to be stepping up to the plate. The most usual situation is that men’s need for sex lasts many years longer than women’s need – not always but very often. Women are often very sexual at the beginning of a relationship and then it fades (though a new relationship kindles it again). A great book called ‘The Sex Diaries’ by Bettina Arndt (translated into umpteen languages) goes through this in miserable detail. The result is that men on their own manage often their sex drive with prostitutes or with masturbation, often to porn. This is how many or most widowers, prisoners and single men cope. Many men with a wife they loved but who had dementia would still go on with sex, balancing up the pluses and minuses. Sex can be “a deep intimate world”, as Liz says, but we all know that it often isn’t. Women in the opposite situation, suddenly single or with a husband with dementia, might find sex with a partner who is totally different, a whole lot more difficult, for both physical limitations and emotional reasons. And as Llamalover says, it is hard to find anyone to talk to frankly, and books might be better. Yes women do find it easier to ‘damp it down’, because the urge is often less strong. But wherever you are on the spectrum, a good option is to try to understand and accept your own body, and meet its needs without challenging your marriage or your sense of right, wrong and unacceptable. Be kind to yourself, your partner, your body and your heart.
I can see where that is possible. Sex is a deep intimate world unto itself with another person. When Alzheimer’s comes into the picture I could see where you might need to have to have a heart-to-heart with yourself about part of them becoming a new person, in a sense, and choosing to let that new person into that world. I can understand how it could be a turn off; that does not seem not unreasonable. On the other hand if it doesn’t bother you and you can welcome them in, then okayed to that too.
I don’t know your story but maybe you need to talk to someone about that for a little more clarity. Good luck and big hugs 🤗
Frankly, when patients become the problems they are with old age and illness and horrible body/mental behaviors, how could any sane, decent person have any sexual desires for that patient - I would find it impossible - and I sure as hell would not give in to requests. I would find a private, personal suitable alternative and just keep my mouth shut. No one's business but mine. These people behave horribly, say and do things that should never occur - steer clear of anything to do with sex or you'll feel really dirty and used. Just take care of yourself best as you can.
Perhaps it’s time someone said that you can lose desire for one person without losing a desire for sex – or a need for it either. Sex with a third party is a problem, and not just because of ‘morals’ - the other person becomes a better option in many ways, and you may not want to put your marriage at risk. A vibrator can help a lot if you are female, and you can get them discretely on-line. Masturbation is an option too. The remaining problem is having the energy!
When my DH became incapable of having sex, I turned myself off rather than upset him. He became afraid of having a heart attack and later that year did wind up getting a new heart valve.
Because I couldn't stand the thought of being responsible for him having a heart attack - I voluntarily tamped down my desire. I have no regrets. He did the same when his first wife was no longer able to provide sex to him.
It could be that your sex drive has lowered as you age too but the caretaking role removes the 'mystique' of the other person completely so rather than being a sexual partner you are now more a 'mothering' partner - most normal people don't feel sexual urges when changing a baby's diaper so humans may just be brain programmed not to be sexually attacked to another when they are doing that sort of care - this may be part of how humans have advanced over other species
If hubby has Alzheimers then you probably are not 23 years old - the amount of care needed means you have no energy for 'extras' - when was the last time you read a good book, had coffee while read the paper at a cafe, etc ... all things that you used to do but now don't have time/energy for anymore
Excellent answer. All of that so true. The time, the energy, the role change (eek! no!) Also our friend didn’t give us many clues as to what was exactly going on either.
I read thru most of the other responses and they are very sad but wise. My beautiful and handsome, meticulously dressed and smelling of lively cologne became a guy who needed to be changes and cleaned throughout the day and night and wore old tee shirts and sweats. There were moments when I could get him into his nicer clothes, shave him and clean and cut his nails, but the entire grueling schedule sapped ant thoughts of sexuality from me. I often hugged hi, held his had and kissed his face-in a motherly way. I would sit with tears running down my face, remembering our life together, trying to be grateful for the years we had. I do that bpnow that he has been gone for 6 months. I miss the intimacy and the affection of having a kind and caring mate to share life with. There are no words of wisdom I can impart. I can only encourage you to seek counseling and to care for your own needs as best you can. Know that there are people here who do care.
But what a heart-wrenching question, right? Especially if it seems that the one with dementia experiences sex as about their last and only source of happiness and dignity and self-esteem — none of which the caregiver typically finds in the experience. One more cruel joke?
The entire roll of a spouse changes. You go from a marriage with 2 equal partners to a "marriage" where 1 person is solely responsible for the welfare of the other as well as ALL the household chores and all of the financial responsibility. It also goes against everything that we have ingrained in us to not take advantage of a person who no longer has the capacity to consent to sexual activity. There may be a "desire", "urge" from the person with dementia and if that is the case and you feel the same desire that is great. If though YOU feel a desire or urge and the person you are caring for does not and you continued that would just like raping them. There HAS to be consent.
Personally after getting my Husband into the shower, putting his briefs on, getting him dressed and fed, doing 3 loads of laundry, clothes, soiled sheets then more clothes, worrying if the caregiver was going to be late again, getting the rest of the meals ready, changing him 3, 4, 5 or more times during the day,then at the end of the day getting him into bed...the last thing on my mind was sex. Holding his hand and calming him and maybe hearing him laugh as I kissed him good night was enough. I miss the hand holding and the laugh more than the sex. (Ok I might have just admitted that I am REAL old!) A woman in my Support group called us "Married Widows"
I think this is one of the reasons some (many?) caregivers of spouses do find companionship. It is nice to go out to dinner and have a 2 way conversation (that makes sense), going to a movie that you can discuss later, cuddling with someone and yes having sex with someone that KNOWS who you are, someone that you can connect with. This is not something that I would do or did but I am not going to judge anyone that goes this route. And I am sure in many cases this starts out with JUST companionship but there is a strong desire in everyone to be held, loved, validated. Again not going to fault anyone, not going to judge anyone. Last perfect person I know about was put on a cross......
If the 1954 is your birth year, then you aren't really THAT old! I was born in 1952 and the only time I realize I'm getting older is when I see what color my hair is (or DON'T see it when it fall into the white sink! LOL).
Oh God yes! The stress can do much worse than killing the caregiver’s sex drive - it can kill the person. I am the primary caregiver for my husband who has Alz and I work full-time. I do not have the time, energy, or interest to make love to my husband due to stress. I love him completely but all I desire now is sleep and rest.
I guess that would depend on the individual couple and the progression of the disease. I imagine the whole "consent" issue would become a problem at some point? Pops doesn't have Alzheimer's. Hopefully others going through this can help you.
Ellery Did you see the 60 min seg on FTD Sunday night? There was a young man (40s) who had gained a tremendous amount of weight. I often wondered why some people who obviously couldn’t be buying all the food they consumed could get so large. Why was the family member enabling. It was a hard segment to watch and you are living it every day. Take care.
Part of our sexual drive is feeling love from the other person. A touch, a hug, appreciation for what we do for them. With Dementia/ ALZ the person suffering from it no longer can express that love. They can't appreciate what we do for them. And the caregiver gets the brunt of their anger and paranoia. Even though the CG knows its the desease, it still hurts. After a day of Caregiving (part of it toileting), who wants to make love. Mainly, to someone who is not really with it mind wise. So yes, I think desire is lost, love no.
I am not in that situation but have read here of care giving spouses who have lost all sexual interest in their mate due to the disease and the demands on the caregiver. ((((((hugs)))))
I would think at some point a spouse would lose their sexual desire for the spouse they're caring for who has Alzheimer's. For many reasons. A caregiver is over-burdened and exhausted which can inhibit sexual desire; if the spouse who has Alzheimer's is incontinent that could cause the caregiving spouse to lose sexual interest; as the disease progresses the role of the caregiving spouse becomes less a role of a spouse and more of the role of a parent, for example encouraging the spouse to eat, wiping off the spouse's mouth as they eat, helping the spouse to the bathroom to have a bowel movement or cleaning up the spouse after there's been a bowel movement....There are many reasons why a spouse could lose sexual desire for the spouse with Alzheimer's.
I would think that isn't an answer that you can generalize. It's about the same as simply saying do wives lose sexual desire with their husbands. Do grandmother's lose sexual desire for grandpa. It's not a yes or no answer. It's a yes and no answer.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I can see how a person would want to be intimacy but no longer attracted to their spouse because of drastic changes in circumstances.
Regardless of the relationship with your spouse, good or bad. Please take time for yourself. You deserve it. As long as you have provided the best care that you possibly can, then you have done your part.
Take care, hugs!
It's a terrible thing to look at the man you've admired since you were a bride and feel turned off by the changes in him. Can you still love him? I'd like to say all sorts of comforting and reassuring things about the bonds between a successful married couple, and the role of oxytocin in a secure relationship, and how you might focus on all the other equally important elements involved in loving someone, and how there is intimacy beyond sexual desire.
But perhaps the truth is that he is not the man he was, and she is mourning the loss of that man.
I don’t know your story but maybe you need to talk to someone about that for a little more clarity. Good luck and big hugs 🤗
Because I couldn't stand the thought of being responsible for him having a heart attack - I voluntarily tamped down my desire. I have no regrets. He did the same when his first wife was no longer able to provide sex to him.
If hubby has Alzheimers then you probably are not 23 years old - the amount of care needed means you have no energy for 'extras' - when was the last time you read a good book, had coffee while read the paper at a cafe, etc ... all things that you used to do but now don't have time/energy for anymore
You go from a marriage with 2 equal partners to a "marriage" where 1 person is solely responsible for the welfare of the other as well as ALL the household chores and all of the financial responsibility.
It also goes against everything that we have ingrained in us to not take advantage of a person who no longer has the capacity to consent to sexual activity.
There may be a "desire", "urge" from the person with dementia and if that is the case and you feel the same desire that is great. If though YOU feel a desire or urge and the person you are caring for does not and you continued that would just like raping them. There HAS to be consent.
Personally after getting my Husband into the shower, putting his briefs on, getting him dressed and fed, doing 3 loads of laundry, clothes, soiled sheets then more clothes, worrying if the caregiver was going to be late again, getting the rest of the meals ready, changing him 3, 4, 5 or more times during the day,then at the end of the day getting him into bed...the last thing on my mind was sex. Holding his hand and calming him and maybe hearing him laugh as I kissed him good night was enough. I miss the hand holding and the laugh more than the sex. (Ok I might have just admitted that I am REAL old!)
A woman in my Support group called us "Married Widows"
I think this is one of the reasons some (many?) caregivers of spouses do find companionship. It is nice to go out to dinner and have a 2 way conversation (that makes sense), going to a movie that you can discuss later, cuddling with someone and yes having sex with someone that KNOWS who you are, someone that you can connect with. This is not something that I would do or did but I am not going to judge anyone that goes this route. And I am sure in many cases this starts out with JUST companionship but there is a strong desire in everyone to be held, loved, validated. Again not going to fault anyone, not going to judge anyone.
Last perfect person I know about was put on a cross......
I get to hand feed Christy all day.
Did you see the 60 min seg on FTD Sunday night? There was a young man (40s) who had gained a tremendous amount of weight. I often wondered why some people who obviously couldn’t be buying all the food they consumed could get so large. Why was the family member enabling.
It was a hard segment to watch and you are living it every day. Take care.