Caring for my father at end of life. My step brother lives out of state and is his POA. Can he remove me from the house?

Why do you think your step-brother would want to remove you from the house? What does he want to happen with your father (his father as well?). There are several ways to read this. The first is that he wants the house, and cares nothing for your father. The second is that he thinks father would be better cared for in a facility, that this is true, and the only way to make it happen is to get you out of there. The third is that ‘wheel-chair bound wife’ is his mother, and he is concerned that the situation is not good for her. Could you think about this, and give some more details?

So basically she’s my dad’s 4th wife. Her sons never lived with us nor did he ever support them financially. She moved in with dad and left her sons with her mother to care for. My other 4 siblings are older and had already moved out of his home. We have always had an unstable relationship with her. There was always trouble with her accepting his children and us accepting her. She made it clear that she didn’t believe in blended families and family holidays became separate. Her children spent the holidays with her and our dad. We got him the night before. We felt dad was happy so we were happy for him. ( I was a daddy’s girl)4 of his 5 children moved away and began their own families. I stayed close by, raising my own children. Over the years we were pushed further and further away while her children became the primary focus. We had to call first and schedule our visits. She always answered the phone and we would have to go through her to speak to him. We constantly were told he was unavailable or not home and sometimes would never hear back from him. Finding out later he never got the message that we called. I finally moved away 10 years ago since my children were grown and going their separate ways. We were never informed of his illnesses or hospitalization. I moved home last year to find that she was a complete invalid and my father had been completely caring for her on his own and neglecting his own health. During this time only her children were aware of her situation. Her son was made POA and executor of their estate. However her sons do not live near and only visit 2 a year. The drs have said that she definitely should not be in the home unless she can have 24 hr care. She’s wheelchair bound. My father is frail, weak and suffers from many illnesses and is 88. I moved in with him for a few months earlier in the year so she could undergo yet another surgery. She will never be able to walk. Her dr reluctantly allowed her to return home. At which time she asked that I leave the home. Her children want the both of them in an assisted living. My father refuses to leave his home and has made it clear he will die in his home. He now suffers from massive weight loss, stage 4 CKD, CK injury, diabetes, CHF, and must follow a stringent low potassium low sodium diet. I have been asked by him to stay and care for him. They are both unable to do basic care such as dressing themselves. I have to literally help my dad out of bed and put him in bed daily as well as give meds prepare meals etc. we have him signed up for Palliative Care. And are trying to get her in home health. Cut to the chase her kids stand to gain everything including the house. And she has stated she doesn’t care what they do with her when dad passes. No love has been lost between the families. Recently once her son discovered I was staying on the sofa caring for the 2 of them papers from lawyers started arriving. My dad would ask her what they were in regards to and she would tell them that they had something to do with the kind of care you get when you get sick. And she became very protective of the mail. She would no longer have me take the outgoing mail to the box. She would have her CNA who comes 2 x’s a week take it out. I mentioned something about the letter and she told me it was personal. When I left the room she commented that if we ( meaning his kids) were to ask it’s none of our business and all that matters is “our family” her and her kids know everything that needs to be known. I’m worried that the visit they make this holiday will be an attempt to put him in a home. I am not allowed to be at the home when they visit during the day. My siblings and I don’t want anything from my dad. All we want is his comfort, safety and wishes followed. Even the social worker feels I should have medical POA since I have full hands on care for him.

Your father has accepted his last wife’s ‘family’ domination for many years now, and effectively so have you and your siblings. Her children think that they would be better able to cope in a facility, and it may well be true. The only thing against it is that your father wants to stay at home. It sounds as though your step mother can’t do ordinary ADLs without help, but it isn’t clear if you are helping her as well as your father, or if there are other carers involved. It seems likely that she would be willing to go to a facility.

You say that your father is weak and ill, but not that he has dementia or has lost competence. He cannot be forced to move out if he is still competent, but he has to make a firm decision. The step brother with a POA cannot over-ride what he decides. Your father can choose to go along with your step mother, or he can choose to go against her and her children, let her go to a facility and stay at his home with you helping him. From the past history, it sounds as though he will not stand up against her and her children. In that case there is nothing you can do.

It would be sensible (though difficult) to put the question to him squarely. ‘If stepmother goes into care, do you want to go with her or do you want to stay here with me?’ If he wants to stay with you, it might be a good idea to have an equally blunt meeting with your step brother, and if necessary get your own legal advice. It is very possible in these circumstances for things just to be done without much consultation, making it very difficult for an old man to oppose.

You have my sympathy. It is a difficult end to a relationship that has already given you a lot of grief.

Your stepmother "doesn't believe in" blended families.

Well. Just suppose you were able to step outside yourself and look at what has been done to you emotionally over the years, taking yourself as just one example, you might agree that your stepmother has a point.

What is happening to your real life while you are camping on furniture in your father's living room? Where is your home, where is your job, where are the people who love you?

Also, Ciaokitty, just to be clear about this.

If your stepbrother has financial POA for your father, it can only be because your father *gave* him this authority.

If your father is still mentally well enough, your father can end your stepbrother's POA and create a new POA appointing you. Technically, he can do that. I do not mean I think it is a good idea. I think it's a terrible idea.

In terms of your father's healthcare decisions, he can appoint as his proxy anybody he likes; but again he has to be mentally well enough to do that; and again I don't think you should touch it with a stick if you want my opinion.

But you can't do anything about POA. You can't change the existing one or create a new one. It has to be your father's decision, and the chances of his being able to carry this out seem to be vanishingly small.

Thank you for the input. At this point in time I am the only one caring for the two of them. My father is still sharp as a tack and in full capacity of his mental state. My father has stated during his last hospital stay that she can go to a facility without him. But he won’t go. And recently she told the home health nurse that comes twice a week that once my dad passes she doesn’t care where or what her kids do with her. As far as my own personal life, lol I don’t have one. I’m retired and my grown children live about an hour away and they come to visit frequently. I have signed both of them up with IHSS for more care giver help. My father has made it very clear to his wife and to me that he wants me caring for him. And to be honest I enjoy every minute with him. But I am only one person with 2 hands 2 feet and only 24 hrs in a day. There is a social worker coming in for a home evaluation so we can get help with her. Let me clarify I am not interested in my fathers estate or finances. My only concern is his health, comfort and safety. And since his POA lives 2,000 miles away and I’m the one taking him to dr appointments, I hand out his meds, make his special diet, and spend my time seeing that his health care needs are addressed, it just made sense once the Nurse Practioner and Social Worker stated that I should have Medical POA. I can tell you that if I were not here, it would be my father trying to help her change her diapers and my father having to cook and household chores. He has openly admitted that it has been him taking care of her that has helped lead to his decline in health. He just doesn’t take care of himself when caring for her. I just didn’t want her son saying I had to leave the home.

I am glad that you have a social worker coming in to review the situation.

It is a great pity that you and your stepbrother are not on better terms. But what I would like you to hold onto tightly is that *neither* of you is responsible for that. Neither of you made any of the decisions about how your family relationships developed.

And now here you are, both mature adults, with different but closely linked responsibilities for two elderly people who need a variety of care.

Would it be possible for you to contact your stepbrother, approaching him as you would any other normal adult person with whom you needed to agree practical arrangements?

If it were me, I'd slap his wife and call her out for being the selfish b*+@h that she is. Then I'd have myself there with your "siblings" & make it very clear that they need to put their mother in a home and leave your father alone. If they piss and moan, threaten them with court papers. Stop letting them walk all over you.