Looking for any suggestions and brainstorming options, any help is deeply appreciated.
I have an aging father who is currently homeless/transient, possibly with npd (narcissistic personality disorder), and has history of borrowing/losing money, funds, etc. Though I love him and want to help him within my capabilities (I'm an only child near my 30s, working FT and engaged), he can be unpredictable, unreliable, and not entirely truthful. Admittedly, I'm still a little afraid of initiating more of a relationship with him (we have very wide boundaries firmly in place between us atm).
The more urgent issue is my grandmother (his mother). Potentially may have co-dependant issues with her son, and it's hard to come up with solutions that involve both her and him together. She requires more care soon (she's beginning to fall a lot more and should have someone living with her), and has been living between her daughters, but the current plan isn't sustainable. She's going to need permanent, long-term care/housing soon, but the lists for nursing homes are long, and no one is able to move in with her (all her daughters are established with families of their own and live in different cities). Because my grandmother has been the one to raise me in lieu of my parents, I want to help...but I don't know how I can.
Every day I rack my brain for new ideas, but I feel like I'm a generation too late. I'm hardly established, just barely out of student-loan debt, renting, etc. Fiance is super supportive, but is also fair and firm with the boundaries, as I've already tried to help before (my grandmother lived with me for an extended period of time while I was in university but the situation fell to pieces). How do I prepare looking after both a parent and a grandparent in the years to come? How do I reconcile my "moral obligation" with my actual ability??
My initial thought is to keep maintaining your boundaries with NPD dad. Unfortunately, from what we read on this forum from adult kids desperate to finally have a loving relationship with parents with personality problems, love just isn't enough.
Does grandma want your help in finding a different living situation? Unless her other children have personality disorders too, it would seem like they should take the lead in this, and you should just continue being what you sound like, a caring grandchild.
I hope other people have some ideas for you, but I think your fiance is right on track about maintaining boundaries and steering clear of inviting dysfunction into your lives.
What is grandmother's attitude toward moving the a care center?
How will a nursing home be paid for? Is she on Medicaid? Would she qualify? Start researching that.
As an adult child she raised you to feel concern and responsibility. That is commendable. Put your effort toward finding a long-term solution that doesn't involve a family member being a hands-on caregiver.
A good resource might be the Area Agency on Aging. They can point you in the right direction for getting various kinds of help.
But your grandmother did not do this so that you could sabotage your life in your late twenties and throw it all away.
Examine what your "moral obligation" is. Here are two things it isn't, and why:
1. To "solve" your father. You can't. It is hubris to imagine that enough love and sacrifice on your part will be the answer to his problems. You can help him find help. You can intervene at arm's length when it is necessary. But nothing you can ever do for him, ever give him, will be enough to turn him into a contented, secure, grateful, dear old poppa.
2. To usurp your aunts' place in your grandmother's support structure. By all means assist where you can, for example by contributing research to family discussions, advocating her best interests, keeping in regular touch, encouraging good communication and co-operation within the family. But it is not for you to decide the right answer; and, to return, your grandmother did not devote all that time and trouble to extra years of childcare just to see you wreck the result.
As time goes on, years from now probably, it may fall to you as an only child to make important decisions on your father's behalf. His is not the kind of personality that tends to resolve into a mellow, safe old age (I'll look up the lady whose father she had to scrape off the floor of his apartment and who was recently dealing with his accusations of false imprisonment now that he's so much better: she's a good object lesson for you). So now would be the moment to set certain boundaries in stone, mentally and emotionally, to ensure that they cannot be breached later on when he really is old and pitiful and heart-rending; and I would suggest that you start by laying down that he does not, ever, in any circumstances, cross your threshold carrying a toothbrush.
From an elder protection point of view it is highly desirable that your father does not continue to be a millstone round his mother's neck. It makes it more difficult to find the right setting for her, and exposes her to the risks inherent in the chaos he creates.
I know I sound harsh about him and I'm sorry, and I genuinely would like a solution to be found for him by someone professional, someone whom he cannot damage. But oh these people! - the havoc they wreak...
There is a point when professional help is needed. Granny saying that she does not want to live in a nursing home, does not make you obligated to care for her. I am sure if you checked there are plenty of staff in nursing homes that speak more than one language. Your Aunties can call around and find that that can take Granny.
You do not owe your Dad anything. "Forgive and Forget', is one thing, putting yourself at risk of more abuse is another. Maintain your boundaries.
And would your fiance really be happy with you spending open-ended amounts of time away living with grandma/dad in the fantasy apartment? I think not!
A little more context - my grandmother has always wanted to stay with a family member, and was adamant against a nursing home. This is for cultural and personal reasons I think (she doesn't speak any English and her family has been her only social network for decades). For the longest time it was hoped / believed / expected that she would continue living with me, but unfortunately that was not realistic or sustainable, especially with the strict boundaries I have in place between me and my father.
Because those boundaries couldn't be maintained while she was living with me, I've since had to distance myself from the situation.
Even though I've explained this countless times, sometimes the expectation that I should be more involved remains. The reoccurring theme is that I should "forgive and forget" what my father has done in order to be more involved in taking care of my grandmother, or that what I owe to my grandmother for her taking care of me is worth the risk of my father. The situation is more complicated in that her daughters have all pitched in over the years to look after me as well, for which I'm eternally grateful. With the joint effort of aunties and my grandmother as my primary caretaker, I have been able to have as normal of an upbringing as possible. I think this is how sometimes I feel as if I'm treated both as a niece, as well as another sister, among her daughters. We're slowly trying to mend the rift between our cultural and generational gap with consistent communication, but I fear that properly revamping our dynamic would take longer than what my grandmother needs right now.
Since my grandmother and father are now a package deal, I haven't been able to figure a way to help my grandmother without exposing myself to my father, or a way to help the two of them at a safe distance. The best I've been able to come up with is this situation:
My FI and I are currently renting a small, one-bedroom, ground-floor suite. The rent is extraordinarily reasonable, and we are currently making plans to eventually move out / buy our own apartment in the near future. I've been thinking about suggesting to make our old suite her permanent living address. My FI and I would still be within transit distance to check in on her, and potentially all the daughters + myself could take turns living/visiting with her for lengths at a time. (Although they have families of their own, they are retired and able to travel. I'd only be able to sleep over in the evenings to keep her company as I work during the day, but still...maybe somehow between the lot of us we could pitch in funds for a day nurse while I'm working during my "shift"?). The only thing I haven't been able to figure out is my father - should we extend that he can live with her too? He'd have to sleep in the living room and I have no expectation that he would be changed, but at least he'd have a roof over his head?
My FI and I have talked about it and his biggest concern is that we might become the immediate caretakers again based on our location, because though we know we absolutely cannot manage that level of responsibility, we're not sure if the everyone else will remember or respect our situation.
Does this idea sound feasible? Possible? Or is this more of a dream that I keep coming to when I'm in this kind of fog? Are there any red flags I'm definitely missing before I propose this as an option when push comes to shove?
I'm so sorry for this massive novel, and I'm sincerely grateful for everyone and anyone who's been able to read it and respond. At the moment I can only talk about this situation with my FI and my counselor, but sometimes I feel like I need more insight from those who have experienced something similar. Thank you all again!