I guess I have a couple of questions in one post....
My Father passed away in 2020 which was a terrible blow to everyone. But my Mom has never worked and never been alone, so she has really had problems adjusting. With him gone, she sits all day. She has had a noticeable physical and mental decline since he died.
Prior to Dad's passing I moved them into an apartment because their finances were a mess and Dad had dementia so I thought it would be best. But it made both of them worse. The thinking was that I would move them to a much smaller home and they would only be in the apartment for a moment, but the pandemic hit and house prices went through the roof. Then Dad got sick and, well, they remained in the apartment.
My Mom now wants to get out of the apartment because she hates it there and because I have a brother that will be released from prison soon and she wants him to have a house to go to. I have already explained my position to her - that I will not take care of him when he is released (he and I are not close). She needs me to co-sign in order for her to get a new house and I will not do it...not for my brother.
In the past year she has had several falls. Most recently while she and I were staying with my niece. I was upstairs and did not hear her and she did not call out. But when my niece returned from work at 11:30, she found Mom sitting on the sofa with no pants. After she fell she crawled across the floor to her luggage to get her Depends and soiled the floor here and there along the way and eventually sat on the sofa sans pants. Mom only remembers a small portion of that episode. My niece cleaned her up and put her to bed. I am taking her to the doctor to be looked at tomorrow for signs of early dementia and the possibility that she may have had a small stroke at my niece's.
I have told Mom that this is a further reason that she should not be in a house - and that my brother will not take proper care of her (I currently handle her medications, her bills, her doctor's appts...everything). At one point I had offered to rent my condo out (I currently live in a 1br in the city) and get a 2br for she and I, but she won't do it because I want her to live in my city, not in her town (I live about 40 minutes away). My niece works at an assisted living facility and thinks that would be ideal for Mom and she can get a good rate for Mom because she works there. But Mom will not go. She calls it an "old folks home" and says I cannot make her go without her consent. But she would be able to come and go as she pleases while having folks around to help with her meds and to assist her if she should fall and, best of all, my niece would be there for her. Also, I do have DPOA for what it is worth
Mom wants to put all her belongings in the apartment in storage and stay in my 1br unit with me until she finds a house for her and my brother. I should also mention that I work from home FT which can be very difficult with her living with me.
I love her so much and I don't want to put her is assisted living too soon - she'll be 76 in August. On the one hand she can be a very vibrant and funny person - but then she can switch and be hateful and terrible...and then there are the balance and memory issues. And taking care of her on my own is HARD. It started when Dad got sick in 2019 and hasn't stopped. I'm beat. And my own personal life is all but gone.
I'd appreciate perspective from others who have had issues with navigating what is best for a parent. Thank you everyone!!!
Definitely do not co-sign for a house, or have her live with you. And, I don't think you should spend a lot of energy "explaining" things to her (if she does have dementia) because they can't really work within reason and logic anymore.
If she doesn't have dementia...read your PoA carefully to see when it is activated. Once the ex-con brother gets out of prison, it can become very interesting so I think the best course of action would be to make sure all her bills are paid online and password protected, she only has a cc with a low balance allowance (or a debit card connected to an account that has very limited funds in it), put most of her cash in a savings account that you can manage. Make sure all her sensitive ID, info and small valuables are in a locked fireproof file kept in either your house or hers. And if she takes any prescription meds, especially for pain, this needs to be closely monitored (count the pills!).
Ensuring that an elder has secure housing and documents all in order to reduce risk of financial exploitation before offender is released from jail is so important.
Once he is in the community, she won't be able to say no to him, and will lie to protect him from anyone who asks questions about him.
Dementia has been known to be diagnosed in people as young as 55, as it was in a woman named Linda who lived in the Memory Care AL I worked at in 2019. She just passed away recently at the age of 60. Anymore, 76 is definitely not 'too young' to be diagnosed with one of the dementias, unfortunately.
Loving your mother means that you want the best care for her; Assisted Living, in reality, is not some house of horrors but like a hotel for seniors where they have their own apartment, meals served in a dining room with a menu, activities, social interaction, day trips and transportation by mini bus to appointments and shopping. She'd have caregivers available at the push of a button or the pull of a string as well. It offers her something you cannot: autonomy and a life of her own.
Nowhere is it written that YOU have to be mom's caregiver, especially if it's wearing you out. By no means should you co-sign ANYTHING under ANY circumstances, either! Mom is in no shape to own a home or pay bills or do upkeep/maintenance! And who knows what the situation will be when her son is released from prison. The reality of coming out and facing civilian life again can be very hard for someone on parole. Taking care of an elder, or anyone else for that matter, is probably the last thing he'd be up for. The vision your mother has of getting a home with your brother is a fantasy, probably heightened by her cognitive impairment, honestly.
If mom is diagnosed with dementia, THEN you can use your POA to have her placed in AL or Memory Care AL, depending on the evaluation that's given to her upon admittance (beforehand, actually). She'd probably qualify for regular AL until the dementia got bad enough to where Memory Care was required; I'd look into AL with an attached Memory Care if I were you.
One step at a time, right? But the first thing to do is to squash your attitude that AL is a bad thing or that you should feel guilty about not wanting mom to live with you. I made that decision decades ago; that my folks would not be living with me b/c I am not the caregiver type nor do I have a great friendship with my mother to begin with. My folks have been in AL since 2014 and it was THE best decision for all of us, truthfully. Dad passed in 2015 and mom is now 95 and in Memory Care at the same place with advanced dementia and with more issues than Newsweek. There is no way on earth I'd be equipped to handle them here at home; she gets great care in the MC and I visit her often.
Wishing you the best of luck coming up with a plan of action for all of this. I know it's not easy & you have my condolences for all the stress you're under.
So glad you seem to have set boundries. Do not get yourself in debt for Mom. Especially if brother gets involved. If you can get a formal diagnosis of Dementia, take ur POA and tell the bank that no one but you should be able to access Moms accts.
Start with that Dr appointment for follow-up on that fall (therapeutic fib to get her there if required). Book a long visit if possible. Mention the fall. Mention the wider picture - fairly recent bereavement, adjusting to widowhood, transition required to more suitable housing. That a full medical would be beneficial to ensuring you all have the facts & can plan for the right level of care. See what's recommended, where that takes you.
Once you have the facts on her health, you can proceed.
My gut feeling already is Assisted Living will be a good fit.
Company, activities, staff available to assist motivate/emotional support to adjust to being a widow. There will be MANY other ladies, a new circle of gal pals. (Note: many older folk picture AL like the dim dark old nursing homes of yesteryear.. all apple sauce & gruel. Many are more like hotels these days - with cafes, gardens & sitting rooms).
Regarding your brother. I very much like your firm boundaries.
"wants him to have a house to go to".
Ok, that's a Mother's love speaking. Love is nice, but can be blind.
Maybe your brother will be helped to reconnect into the community, with social services, social worker, shared home accommodation? I have no knowledge of the system. What I do know is giving him a free house will rob him of the opportunity to work towards his own housing goals, gain pride in saving & taking steps towards his own future.
Get the legal ducks on a row too. A kind hearted Mom can be a soft touch for financial 'loans' & more. An elder I met years ago was nearly a victim of elder abuse. While in hospital, his just released from jail son broke into his home & changed the locks. Took his Father to court, claiming he was demented & asked/needed him to stay. Attempted to move the old man into NH & take the house. Old man (90s) was able to prove his competency, order eviction & get a restraining order. But could have gone the other way.
Trust your gut regarding your brother.
Most importantly, NO: I have no responsibility to do what she wants - particularly if I can see that it's stupid.
This list of ‘NO’s, written down, stops a lot of circular arguments. You can do some ‘YES’s as well: YES: I love you. YES: I will help if you are willing to make some choices that I can see are sensible.
Making all this very clear to yourself, your mother, the family, and any agencies who get involved, will almost certainly help. Go for it!
I think your reaching out to seek perspective is an excellent first step.
Let's start with you. You're living and working in a one-bedroomed apartment. Now it would be very wrong to jump to any conclusions and I'm not about to do that, but are you really in a position to be anybody's full-time caregiver? You say your personal life is all but gone; how about your own employment and financial security and future prospects, the real basics? You know what they say - always put your own oxygen mask on first before you try to help anyone else.
You have DPOA, you're helping your mother get medical advice to check out what's going on with her balance and memory issues, but you're a long way off being able to make decisions for her without her agreement. So at this stage I'm not sure it's a good idea even to try. It could wreck the relationship that you'll need to have with her to support her when she needs it more.
Then your mother. She's 75. It is very unusual for a lady of her comparatively young age *never* to have worked. Were there just the two children, you and your brother? Were there other important reasons or issues that made her so fully dependent on your Dad?
The niece - whose child is she? How close is her relationship with her grandmother? What role does she have in her work at the ALF?
Then your brother. You're not close to him and you don't want anything to do with him when he is released from prison. It's tempting for us to make a lot of assumptions about him, but for one thing we know nothing and for another it isn't reasonable to expect your mother to be equally indifferent to his future wellbeing. What happened? - what impact did his conviction and imprisonment have on your mother, and on your father if it all goes back that far?
All in all, it's such a complex and turbulent situation that it might be best to get professional counsel. That way everybody's needs and ability to contribute could be taken into account, and help the whole family find a way forward. Where is your mother staying now, is she back in her apartment and living alone?
Bear in mind/take fully to heart that your mother may not be capable of formulating a plan and weighing up major decisions. It was all done for her, no?
That doesn't mean you have to carry her forever, but it could mean you'll have to make the difficult choices - because she can't. No good asking her what she wants if she simply doesn't know the answer.
And no, I'd agree then - your mother never worked. Babysitting is what teens do for pocket money. It is not actual, regular, hold-down-a-job work.
Your dad must have been a total hero and legend. The only problem with rare individuals like him, people who hold everyone else together, is that when they go... things fall apart. You must have started having your suspicions when his dementia began to get the better of him, and I'm afraid there might be quite a lot of other sad revelations yet to come about how many mountains he moved to keep your mother out of institutions. I'm not surprised she isn't keen on the idea of one now.
Are you confident that you have access to *all* of the information you need to help her make good choices?
We were talking last week after she told me that she would not go into assisted living. I asked her what she was going to do if she didn't find a house within the next year - did she plan to sleep on my couch forever? She said she would sleep on my couch as long as it takes and and kind of laughed....trying to make a joke of it. So I told her that wasn't funny and she agreed.
I believe I do have access to all of her information, as I am in control of all aspects of her life right now. I would love for her to be excited about going into a facility where there are other people to socialize with (she doesn't really have an friends) and she would be secure and have my niece around most days. But she is not going to be that person.
I'm going to give this ADHD diagnosis a chance, I guess - we have a follow up appt. in a month. And if she is still experiencing a majority of the issues that she has been having, I will seek a second opinion.
I want her to be the happiest and healthiest that she can be. And I want the same for myself. As it stands, right now, we are both miserable.
It's helpful to know that I'm not an awful person for not wanting to move to another place so that she can move in with me.
I cannot thank you and everyone on here that has responded, enough. :)
See All Answers