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3 years ago; my older sister insisted our newly widowed, elderly mother go live with her. My sister and I live on opposite sides of the country. It seemed to be what my Mother wanted too. After a year of phone calls assuring me everything was fine, the situation came to a head and my Mother landed in my newly empty nest. My entire life changed in the blink of an eye. I am a divorced grandmother with a full-time job and a long term lease on a 2nd floor walk up; I have no other family within hundreds of miles. It's important to know that I'd made conscious trade-offs in order to have my life arranged the way I wanted it; including refusing to be in a relationship or even date. I'd traded wealth, security and sex for my independence.
My Mother has never lived independently. She went from her parents' home to marriage. She'd never made a decision without input from someone else; and she isn't even aware of how intimate certain things are, she doesn't understand why I wouldn't be interested or even capable of that kind of intimacy. It's so intrinsic to her existence, I don't think she's aware that other people exist outside of it.
So I'm drained. I am unable to feel compassion or empathy. I don't feel anything apart from resentment and a silent desperation. I'm being treated for depression and anxiety; but I'm so empty that I'm struggling cognitively. I can't concentrate or remember what I was thinking or saying. I know I have a moral obligation to care for my mother; but I'm worried it's costing me my health and it may cost me my job.

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Having a 'moral obligation' to care for your mother does NOT mean you have to care for her inside of your home, at the expense of your health, your job, and your mental state of mind.

My mother is like a 5 year old and always has been; same as your mother in that she went from her parents home to her husbands home, and was coddled her whole life, never had to pay a bill or make any decisions except what pair of shoes looked best with which outfit. She even stopped driving b/c it made her 'too nervous' and when my father developed a brain tumor & could no longer drive, she put her foot down even harder & refused to do a single thing to help him.

Long story short, I placed both of them in Assisted Living after dad fell and broke a hip in Independent Living. The rehab would not release him back to IL, even under the pretense that mother would 'care for him'. So Assisted Living it was, which turned out to be a huge godsend for both of them, AND for me, their only child.

My dad passed away shortly after the move to AL, and my mother is still alive, at almost 94, and still living in the same AL, but in the Memory Care bldg nowadays. She's fine...........why? Because she's taken care of by others. It's perfect. I pay all her bills, make all her decisions, buy all of her supplies, clothing, make doctor arrangements, hospitals, you name it, I do it. But from 4 miles away.

I maintain MY life while she has HER life 4 miles away. I'm still 'caring for' my mother, just not inside of my home. When dad was on his deathbed and asked me to take care of mom, I agreed, and I'm still doing so............some 5.5 years later.

Right from the very beginning I let it be known that NO ELDERS would be moving in with me. And they haven't. Make up YOUR mind now and figure out how to get your mother out of YOUR house and into an apartment in either Independent Living or Assisted Living. She'll be fine b/c you can manage her life FOR her, like I do, but she won't have to live WITH you while you do it.

Take your life back, my friend. You deserve to. You CAN care for mom AND yourself at the same time. Make it happen!
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2020
So well said.
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Dear Leslie, I've edited my post as I was typing over lealonnie's. So this is somewhat repetative but I agree wholeheartedly with her. In your current mental state, this is not a healthy situation. What is your mom's health, her medical condition? Does she need help with some daily living activities or is she still pretty independent? When someone reaches the stage of resentment in their caregiving, like you say you have, they become insensitive to the needs of their LO. So it's a loose, loose. Compassion fatigue is said to be the negative cost of caring. It is burnout on steroids. You may feel that you have an obligation to care for your mom but that doesn't mean caring for her in your home nor at the expense of your health. Caring for her could simply mean providing for her care wherever that may be. You have a right to the life you want to live and she has the right to live in safety and dignity. It's time to look for a new home for mom. Assisted living can provide that. Your local Area Agency on Aging or your state Dept of Aging can give you some help. Agencies like A Place for Mom can help find a place. Give them a call.
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I was you. I had mom in my home. It’s life changing.

Lealonnie’s post is excellent! She and many other posters gave me the same advice, “Take your life back.”

You will feel the weight of the world lift off your shoulders when you surrender caring for your mom.

Best wishes to you and your mom.
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Well now both you and your sister have discovered that living with mom is more than you both can deal with. And that's ok. Mom shouldn't be living with either of you anyway. You deserve to be living the life you envisioned, when your last child left the nest, and mom needs to be put in an assisted living facility with folks her own age, where she can finally learn how to live her life on her own. She may just find that she actually likes living on her own, and doing what she wants, when she wants. You owe your mother nothing!!! I know you think that you have some kind of "moral obligation" to care for her, but really your only obligation is to care for yourself. If you don't make some changes with mom, you will be the one needing to be cared for. So please, take care of yourself, and find a plan C for mom(sister was plan A, you're plan B). Best wishes.
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Verajrn Dec 2020
I disagree. She is morally obligated to take care of her mom. It's what family does for each other.
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Leslie - Read your last paragraph over again and pretend that someone else wrote it. What would you tell that person? I cared for a lady who every time I gave an inch, she took a mile. Every time. I feel that I will never recover and that I will be essentially useless to those who might need me in the future. Please don't put yourself in that situation where your current situation is so draining that future situations (of your choosing) would be jeopardized. I didn't know that compassion fatigue was even a thing, but I think I suffered from it - just as you are. I feel like so much has been taken from me and that's not what caregiving should be about. It's not about the other person stealing your time, energy, and sense of self.
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I feel the same way. I just have to hang in there for awhile yet. Dad is 91. My husband and I sold everything we had and bought a motorhome so we could travel. When mom died a little over a year now my father was devastated. He is almost all blind and cant hear and has undiagnosed dementia. It is a constant struggle with him. But one thing I do k m.j owns is that this period in my life will pass and we'll be off traveling again. I'm only 65. Hang in there.
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I hate the moral obligation argument. You are morally obligated to make sure she is getting the best care. That is not always in your home. Sometimes when you place a loved one in a facility you realize that you were not capable of giving them that kind of care. My Mom passed away last month at 93 from dementia. She was placed in a wonderful facility for the last 2 years. They did for her what I was not capable of doing. I was able to visit with her and enjoy her instead of being exhausted and drained and miserable. I was able to have long visits and holiday meals with her and she enjoyed it too. Don’t let anyone guilt you with the moral obligation statement. Do what’s best for you and your mother and you. If you are exhausted you are not capable of giving appropriate care. Best of luck to you and take care.
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Omobowale Dec 2020
Thank you for this
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You'll have to your mom know that you are sick and give her whatever her options are.

If she has no other relatives that she can stay with and you are no longer able to care for her and neither you nor her have the finds to hire a Caregiver to give you a break then all that is left is to take her to a couple Senior Places to chose which one she likes unless she is capable of living in her own Senior Apartment.

Prayers
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Omg...u sound just like me!...I don't have any advice but thank u so very much for sharing ur feelings on this. Prayers r being sent ur way.
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Hey y'all...This is US in 20 years. I have so much guilt n yet Who's going to take care of n be burdened by US in 15 or 20 years??
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cxmoody Dec 2020
Our choices now for our LO do not dictate what care we will or will not need in the future. We will not “be paid back” for our decisions. It doesn’t work that way. I may get cancer next year and die. I may get hit by a bus. If either of these things happen, I will not need care later in life. If I don’t, I may be sweet and easy to care for in the home of a family member who is willing. I may end up with violent dementia, and may need to get care elsewhere. I may have constant terror, like my mother, and need 24/7 care in a MC facility. I may be fine mentally, but need nursing care round the clock. We can’t predict our future needs, just by looking at care decisions for LOs TODAY.
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If you collapse, who will take care of your mother?
You may want to consider other options before that happens.
I was bedridden after two months of my mother in my home. It was IMPOSSIBLE to continue. I don’t understand why people guilt others into what was their choice for THEIR LO. Not every LO has the same needs and challenges.
Colleen
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So many here will identify with how you feel. We are, I think, maybe dealing with generational issues and that impacted how we feel about taking care of this greatest generation as well. My father was raised to think of things in sexist terms...I.e. woman take care of the inside of the house, cleaning, cooking etc while the guys work and do the outside. But he doesn't realize the amount of labor and time that go into it. And so a few months ago after doing all I could (feeling as I chose to remain under their roof, that my efforts were payback/rent, and wanting to keep them out of assisted living or more---mom is 98 with dementia which is a massive challenge at times in and of itself) I had a serious health issue and easily could have died. So cxmoody, below's question of "if you collapse who will take care of mom" rang true. What happened to me was sudden and unexpected and resulted in surgery and a hospitalization and rehab (which I must say was against my thoughts and was one of the worst mistakes of my life). My father is doing some household tasks, and not well....dishes he washes are dirty, he doesn't see the mess he makes and leaves it....my sister was in from out of town when I was in the hospital and showed him how to do laundry...to him he knows everything now. He took the mattress pad cover off, and did not put it back...just folded it up and shoved it in the closet. But to be honest while people I thought would be of help (my sibling, some friends) and were absent, others were a surprises and wonderful...like our neighbors. One had a relative who delivered Meals on Wheels and somehow extra ones got filtered over to our home....our other neighbors gave me a get well gift of a restaurant food delivery service...which was a huge help when I first came home especially. A friend checked on my pup 2x a day as my parents cannot handle her, and made sure she got outside, had food, water etc. Plus kept an eye on the elders just in case....My sibling has chosen to BLAME me for what happened to my health and remains ignorant in many ways, especially in re to financial aspects of alternatives, or my future well-being and stress on all of us here. A move for the elders is not likely in their best interest especially a change of environment for mom who remains fairly functional and Dad who thrives and enjoys being in our neighborhood, communicating with neighbors, walking, and especially tending to our yard and lawn.
I am hoping to return to my part-time job (most likely continuing as prior to work mostly remotely).
I know it's a rough time to make decisions, but you might want to connect with your local Area Agency on Aging and see what in home services you and your mother qualify for. It might be enough to help you. I wish you so well...and no matter what, you remember, you are a good person, and you are not alone...we are so with you. Sending hugs.
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I am so sorry for what you are feeling - it is quite normal and I think you realize YOU must look out for YOU now as the first priority. Once someone develops behaviors and needs that negatively impact you and your own life and safety and sanity, there is NO choice. That person must be placed no matter what the relationship was/is. This is YOUR time of life - don't lose it. And if you lose your job, then who takes care of you. Please do something now to remove this burden off your shoulders.......you need peace and a life and you can't wait. Act now, please, before it is too late.
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Obviously this arrangement isn't working. It has to be right for both people. Talk to your mother about moving to a senior residence. You don't say how capable she is about taking care of herself, but it could be anything from independent living to assisted living. She might find it much more enjoyable, where she'll have other people her own age to talk to, they arrange activities, meals, etc. Make sure that her paperwork is in order: power of attorney (POA) should be assigned for medical and financial decisions, a will, a living will with her medical directives, banks also may have their own POA forms, etc. You may need an attorney, especially if she has assets. If you are her POA, offer to help her by taking care of paying her bills and handling her financials. If she moves, have all bills and statements sent to you. Then visit her as much as you can. One downside of moving into senior residences during the pandemic is that you may not be able to visit. When the pandemic is over, take her out if you would both enjoy that. Try to convert your time with her into quality fun time.
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The moral obligation that you AND your sibling(s) have to your mother is care: to make sure that her needs for safety are met, to make sure that her needs for health are met, and to make sure that all of you stay healthy (physically and mentally and emotionally) to be able to make decisions for her when she can not.

If caring your mother is beyond your abilities, then it is time to consider other options. Talk with your sibling(s) about other options: home health care aides while mom is awake and cared for in a set aside place in a family member's home, senior or assisted living (if she has the resources and ability to care for herself with a little help), or long term care residential facility if she needs a lot of her care met by others. Also have your sibling(s) help you with researching resources (home health care agencies, apartments, LTC) in your own respective communities. Many times care is less expensive - and more do-able - in one community than another in another province or state.

Caring for a parent is about making sure he/she is safe and healthy, not necessarily about providing the care yourself.
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Imho, this dynamic may not be working since your health is at risk. Prayers sent.
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In the safety talk before a flight, parents are told to put on their oxygen mask first in the event of an emergency. Because an unconscious parent can do NOTHING for their child.

Your roles are reversed. If you are mentally and physically tapped, you cannot help your parent.

As many here have said, 'moral obligation' does NOT mean you are the physical caregiver. Take care of your mom by finding a place for her or bringing in a medical companion. Benefits.gov is one resource to find federal/state resources. The questionnaire is long, so if that's too much, try FindHelp.org.

And since presenteeism is likely contributing to your distress, talk with your HR/EAP to see if you can get a short leave of absence before your doctor orders one for you.

Best wishes for the well-being and peace of mind for you and your mom.
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Isn't anybody else dying to know what happened to sister?

Mother was widowed three years ago. What to do? How and where would she best be supported as she made this huge adjustment?

Older sister - let us make no comment for now - decided and mother agreed that living with older sister was the answer.

One year later, "the situation came to a head."

?!?!?! I don't like to pry, but..?

Meanwhile, OP's child/ren had left home and there OP was with a bedroom to spare. And somehow - ? - it was decided that living with younger sister (the OP, that is) was the answer.

And who exactly decided that?

LNH, if you don't mind my abbreviating you, I don't personally dispute at all your assertion that there is a moral obligation to care for one's parent. I might qualify it, but in any case if you think there is for you, then there is.

But work on your definition of "care for." There is NO moral obligation to move your parent with her incompatible personality into your house and blow up your life. Other methods are available!
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LeslieneedsHelp Jan 2021
My older sister - where do I start on that venom-spitting viper? Look, I'm a control freak too; I'd like to think I just have more self-awareness and had made some choices in life, developed coping skills, etc. But my sister not only wants to control everyone and everything, she requires active submission by anyone who wants to be part of her life. I think she's also a bipolar alcoholic.
Sister is a retired nurse on her third husband. She had 5 grown children, with whom she has various levels of strained relationships with. When my father was dying, she made her first visit to them in 20 years; and took over. She convinced my Mom that she was the best option because she was an RN and retired; but she was not emotionally equipped to handle the situation.
I realize that my Mom's expectations were unrealistic too. I think she fully expected replacement companionship at the same level she had with my father. As a new widow, she'd never not been part of a "we". I don't think she even realized that she was attempting to transfer that "we" thing to, first my sister, then to me. I finally had to explain it to her; but took me a little time to figure out what it was that was making me so uncomfortable. Apparently, my sister never figured it out and never addressed it other than reacting in fits of rage.

Now, the situation is that she really needs to be in residential care. Getting her in and out of my 2nd floor apartment is becoming more and more difficult for her. When she first came to live with me, she made the statement that when she couldn't get up the stairs, she'd go to a nursing home; but with COVID, her doctor will not make that recommendation. Just now, she came in to tell me she's in medical distress, but doesn't want to go to the doctor because she doesn't think she can get back into the apartment. She asked me "what should I do?".
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On your profile your wrote: "I am caring for my mother Gloria, who is 89 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, anxiety, arthritis, depression, incontinence, mobility problems, and osteoporosis."

None of those things is life threatening. All are chronic health issues. She needs to be around people her own age. Time to find a senior community that fits her budget.
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