Mom is 84, very frail, with dementia. Dad placed her in AL facility 1 yr ago. At first it seemed ok. She is increasingly refusing to comply, won't walk to dining rm, won't eat from tray in her room, won't shower or wear depends, is incontinent. Still recognizes me and my spouse. Dad refuses to worry about this situation, which is neglectful, isolating and she smells and sits on a urine soaked chair. I'm retired health care provider, strong enough to deal with her and she responds well to me. Can have home care several afternoons weekly for personal respite. I feel her care level woul improve from around 1-2 to 8-9 with this change. She is very low energy and sleeps until noon or 1 pm. Am I crazy to consider this? My conscience won't let me leave her where she is. I am the oldest sibling, have DPOA and can be a much better advocate. Thanks in advance.
It is something you can try, and as we all know any type of move for an elder with dementia worsens their dementia quite a bit. At Mom's current Assisted Living does the place have a Memory Care section where she can move, still be in the same facility, still see the same people, and eat the same food?
How would your Dad visit your Mom if she is moved out of State, or would you move Dad too to stay in your home.
Is Mom self-pay or on Medicaid? If the latter, then Mom would need to re-apply through the new State. Each State has their own rules and programs.
Here's a good article: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/Living-with-Elderly-Parents-Do-You-Regret-the-Decision-133798.htm
Does your healthcare experience include extensive working with persons who have dementia?
I have a feeling that you could get better results with your mom than the AL is getting. For one thing, the attention would be one-on-one, and she MIGHT comply somewhat just because she likes you.
On the other hand, her dementia has clearly gotten worse in the last year. An AL is no longer an adequate care level for her. She should probably be in a nursing home or perhaps memory care. I think it is entirely possible to provide AL level care in a private home. But I think it is very difficult to provide a higher level of care than that.
I wonder if it is feasible to move mom to an appropriate level care center near you (not AL), so you could visit daily, and be an informed advocate for her care? That might give you the best of both worlds, so to speak.
I'm willing to bathe her in bed, change diapers, or whatever it takes. Can't anticipate how I might feel long term, but expect at least 3 afternoon shifts weekly of home care provider to help or take over for 4 hours. I know she could take much more time than I now anticipate. I'm still gathering information before discussing this with Dad, who could either hate or like the idea. She is on Medicare and has a healthy enough estate that we can afford 24 hr care if needed. I'm not sure how I feel about residential memory care. I see it as a last resort for her. I would feel the need to visit daily, of course. I'm very grateful to hear from those who have btdt.
... getting washable incontinence chair pads/covers and bed pads +wheelchair etc (not saying she doesn't need the adult diapers) helps a lot. I know its difficult.
But when will you be able to step back? Will you be able to, if you move your mother into your home? Is this fair to your husband?
I say move your mother into a facility closer to your home, rather than into your home.