Continual falls... Any advice?

Question

Continual falls... Any advice?

Follow

Share

Mom is an alcoholic and has taken prescription Benzos for decades. Benzos are known to cause balance/fall issues. She takes them daily and is physically dependent upon them. She lives alone down the street from me. I have witnessed self-destructive/careless behavior from her since she was in her late 60s, which is around the time her strange falls began. The first serious fall was in 2010-2011 when she broke her hand severely, and then refused the surgeon's physical therapy because she said she was old and "would not live much longer" (she was only 68-69). As a result her hand is now minimally functional. Last year she had a broken shoulder, broken part of spine, and two weeks ago she took two more serious falls and thinks we now need to go back to the spinal doctor. Her knees are often swollen and bruised, her arms are often bruised and there have been two black eyes.

Because of her behaviors over the last decade, I cannot/will not live with her. My husband says he will move out if I move her in (I have a very happy marriage that I will NOT sacrifice). It seemed ideal to have her living down the street and I would be able to watch over her. She is a hermit, no friends and there are no other relatives (I am an only child). I am 52 and still work more than full-time. She refuses to discuss any other living arrangements for her. We live in the Orlando, FL area where there are quite a few senior-type apartments, but she will not hear of it. I believe she belongs in assisted living, but any mention of that to her results in a threat to commit suicide. I feel she is making her own decisions and she has the ability to damage my life, so I keep her at arms-length. Any advice from the Forum???

Alcohol Abuse Care Decisions Mom Refusing Care

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

44 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

1 2

Yes....next time she is hospitalized, talk to patient services. They must not release her to her same old living arrangements...it is very clearly unsafe for her. And no, she cannot be released to you.

She he needs to be in a facility where her needs are met....and NOT your home.

they will try to get you to agree to be her caregiver while she continues living in the same place...make it clear to them that she has been hospitalized over and over because she is t safe in the place.

leave her on their hands......

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

:D Thank you Katiekate! Last summer the hospital forced me to take her home while she was still drunk and biligerent. I learned my lesson that time! She has been hospitalized several times since then for falls and Benzo withdrawls and I have refused to even step foot in the hospital. They have sent her home with transport :( I refuse to have the medical community force me to be her caregiver or guardian under the circumstances. Sadly, she's told me numerous times over the past decade she doesn't care that she's damaged herself...I guess she also does not care the position she has put me in.

(6)

Report

If she threatens suicide call 911, that will end that. You can go no contact, I have had to with my mother, who is a nasty drunk, it was her or me, I chose me. She is 94, lives alone and hates everyone including me. Other family members have not spoken to her for 30 years, and have no intention of doing so. I have let the chips will fall where they may, I gave up.

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

DollyMe, thank you much for the response. Ugh, it totally sucks. She's been Baker-Acted and held in the mental health facility 4 times in the past year for suicidal tendencies, and alcohol & prescription drug abuse. I am ready to give up and I am just waiting for the "Big" fall or mishap that renders her clearly unable to live alone.

(6)

Report

My mom was not a drinker but was addicted to her oxy pills and with no balance....Well, we all know how that ends up.

Finally mom ended up in the hospital after a fall. I had checked out the local assisted living facilities and had one lined up. She was transferred directly from the hospital to assisted living. This was not as easy as ABC, it was a couple weeks of hell but that’s what we’d come to.

I had gone through the same crap you did a couple times previously, hospital sending her home when she couldn’t even sit up and dad with moderate dementia trying to care for her.

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

How incredibly sad.

But I don't see what you can do about it. Except - try not to lose sight of how sad it is. Because this is so incredibly stressful for you, and because your mother is the agent who has made it all happen, it would be very easy to forget that she is the one in pain.

I hope the various health care organisations are not continuing to pretend that this is a job for amateurs, and making you feel responsible?

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

We keep repeating the same cycle of hospitalization, often on to the mental health facility, and then home. I keep expecting a call from a social worker or someone like that to discuss the situation. But everyone smiles and acts as if this is normal and that she will be OK. She's only 77 and her own mom lived to age 96. I fear for all of us that she may spend upwards of 20 more years of life unable to properly care for herself. The last ten years have been pretty unpleasant already.

(6)

Report

Apparently, those who review cases like hers don't think she's incompetent. You might consult with an attorney to get their take on it and see if there are any other options. I suppose that I would question what the goal is with her. If she went into an AL would she abide by their rules? Would they be able to prevent her from falling? It's very difficult to prevent someone from falling, even if you are in the same room. You may remind people to use canes or walkers, but, that is also limited. I guess, I would ask what you are trying to accomplish. Her living with you, near you or in AL may not affect her falling. Unless, she's falling totally due to being intoxicated. Is that it or is she having strokes? My LO fell a lot too, but, she never drank alcohol. She had poor balance, brittle bones and strokes. I literally caught her from falling when she turned loose of her walker, but, I was standing right next to her. If I had been across the room, it wouldn't have mattered. Sorry, I don't have any good suggestions.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

She's using a walker most of the time now. I guess my goal is to make sure my life is not continually being jerked around by her drama. It's been a decade of intrusion into my life. I wish I could escape but she lives down the street from me. I am stuck here because I run a small business and spent a lot of money setting up my home to run the business, and also am responsible for my dad's care, who lives in a nearby memory care facility. When he started to show signs of dementia, mom told me he was my responsibility, not hers (after 50+ years of marriage) so he's mine :(

(4)

Report

See 1 more reply

It kills me how our parents don’t want to compromise. They feel we owe everything to them. Everything revolves around their needs. No, it isn’t just about them. It’s about all of us.

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

She may be drinking often. She may also be taking medications. There is not much you can do if that is the case. Nothing you say or do will change her. Never let her move in with you! Very sad! 😢

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

Goody2shoes, thank you. My concern is that there is some pressure to have her move in with me because obviously she should not be living alone. I refuse to take responsibility for her life and her actions. I can't stand that she even lives down the street! If she lived here I know my life would be over. And that's the truth.

(4)

Report

I'm not sure exactly how true this is but I heard if they have 3 falls in a certain amount of time then they can be put in a facility. I can't remember who told me that but maybe someone here knows more. I hope things work out for you and your mom.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

It really does sound as if the alcohol may be the real problem. Not only for the falls, but for the refusal to go into care, where alcohol would be bound to be restricted. AA might be good for advice.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

MargaretMcKen, thank you for responding. She did go to some AA meetings last year but declared that the people there were pretty much losers and beneath her. She then quit AA and commenced to drinking some more. I just got off the phone with her this morning and she is cancelling her therapist session today because she is depressed. She asked me to go buy her some wine and I told her I am at work and can't break away until the noon hour. She told me she needs the wine sooner than that and she will get it herself (she sounded disgusted with me).

(2)

Report

Upstream, I actually meant AA advice for you, not for your mother – she obviously likes things the way they are. Sympathy and my hope for you, Margaret

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

Sorry to post so many times, but I just checked the Care Topics (top RHS of the screen) then scroll down the alphabetic list to alcohol, and there are some articles there that might help, certainly support. Yours, Margaret

https://www.agingcare.com/topics/189/alcohol-abuse

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

First of all, stop buying her booze. I loved my mother in law (when she was sober) but wouldn't buy her booze and if I found it in my house, tossed it out.) . I take it she is put in the hospital when she breaks something. Refused to let them release her to you and tell them you can't/won't take her and she can't live alone. Then "they" will be responsible for her going into assisted living. By the way, when my mother in law was in a nursing home she kept trying to leave to go get some beer so (with my permission) they let her have a short can of beer once a day. Kept her from binge drinking and she enjoyed it. I think the "keeping her at arms-length" is a good idea.

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

1) mom doesn't live with her
2) even if she refuses to buy alcohol, mom can still get it!
3) OP says "...They have sent her home with transport..."
4) OP said: "...the hospital forced me to take her home while she was still drunk & beligerent..."

It isn't that simple to just leave someone at the hospital and refuse to let them go home. Clearly the hospital sent her home. As long as she is deemed competent, she CAN demand to be sent home. The only think OP can do is not let them deliver mom to her (OP's) address!

As for the booze - if they *really* want it, they WILL get it. My grandmother loved her wine (a tad too much - she didn't know when to say when!) When she still lived in her own house, but couldn't drive, she hired a taxi to go pick it up for her. Where there's a will, there's a way...

(1)

Report

My MIL started talking about committing suicide when her car was taken away. Then she started talking about it when we were talking to her about assisted living. I went to a doctor appointment with her and gave the nurses a heads up before we went in that I was going to mention it. And I did. When I brought it up the doctor asked her if she really was telling us she was going to commit suicide and she said yes, so it's in the doctor's files. The doctor then asked her if she wanted to commit suicide at the moment and she said no. She just says it so we'll give her car back and so we will stop talking about AL. Doctor told me (in front of her) "if she talks about suicide again, you need to call 911 immediately and they will take her to the hospital and keep her for 72 hours to make sure she is not a threat to herself". MIL said no, she wasn't really going to do it. She just felt like telling us that. Doc told her it didn't matter. These things need to be taken very seriously. So we held a family meeting with all the sibs and MIL and told everyone that the doc said to immediately call 911 if she does it again and to have her admitted under a suicide watch. Funny enough, she's never mentioned it again.

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

Good story (you know what I mean), thanks for sharing! My mom says that all the time and I now have another approach in my kit.

(3)

Report

Hi Upstream :) This may sound drastic but I think calling Adult Protective Services is the way to go in your situation. She has made it clear that she doesn’t care about the position she is putting you in and is self-destructive. They will start the process of taking over her care and putting measures in place to keep her safe or as safe as she can be given the circumstances. I think this will relieve some stress off of you in the long run. Short- term she is going to be mad as a hornet but you have to do what is best for both of you. Hope this was helpful!

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

I hate to say it but you may have to simply disconnect from your mother until she decides it's time to get herself help which may never happen.
One thing to remember is once you were to let your mother move in you'd be locked in pending court actions to have her removed the process alone would be devastating, you're doing the right thing by not allowing her into your home and around your family.
If your mother starts taking about suicide because she's not getting her way you can 'Baker act" her for her own safety but keep in mind once again the resentment you'll be facing after the fact....
You're dealing with a lot my thoughts and prayers go out to you, you're in a somewhat no win situation so protecting yourself and your family should be your main priority.
I wish I had better advise to give you in this situation but what your mother is doing isn't illegal and as long as she has the mental capacity to know right from wrong no one is going to step in and help, we can not force our wills and wants no matter how good the intentions onto another, she's making her own decisions it has nothing to do with you.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

madhatter632, Thank you so much! Yes, everyday I tell myself "I didn't cause my parents' problems, and I can't solve them". That gets me through. Ten years ago I begged and cried and asked them to live a better lifestyle, but living on wine & Benzos (no food) takes its toll eventually - dad ended up in a dementia-care home by the age of 78 and mom is just a kook. After a couple of years of trying to intervene, I put up the wall of self-protection and that's where I live now.

(4)

Report

upstream, your last post about going at noon instead to get her wine makes me sad! There’s not going at all. I don’t like where you’re trapped. I do think you should find the right place for her based on your research and all factors you determine, then next fall she goes to the hospital then next step discharged to the place you chose. I’m furious about her putting you solely in charge of dad. I often post here how much I believe in counseling, and AA like margaret proposed is a great idea! For you. No wonder you feel so swashed about, she’s a human storm.

You’re so lucky to have your hubby and your business, to me they (and your dad) get your first energies. From another only child, who’s been saddled and manipulated for a looong time, I think it’s time for you to dig deep and become a new set of strategies and responses. Bless you in this journey. DEPART! 😀💐

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

Zdarov, Thank you so much for the reassuring words. It means a lot to me. I am reaching the end of my rope with these two and the Sh*t storm they have put me through for years now.

(2)

Report

See 1 more reply

Have you spoken to her doctor about all this, They would be able to determine whether she is even mentally capable of making her own decisions any more. If she’s falling, not taking care of injuries and threatening suicide that often it doesn’t sound likely . Once that decision is reached then, whether your mum likes it or not, her care will be determined for her. Sure they might try and involve you but you can explain that whilst you love your mum and want her safe, you cannot help her personally.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

Nw it is Time to Involve Adult protective Services to End the Madness and the Sadness...Please, call them.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

It sounds like your mother has put you in an untenable position and is keeping you there with threats of suicide. She is dragging you down with her. Because has put you in this position of fear - do the sane, sound thing to protect yourself, she will suicide- I know it is beyond difficult, but outside help is required. If you use Internet, just go online and start reaching out. I think you'll be surprised how much help there is. Hugs and hang in there. You're a hero.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

If you feel she is a danger to herself, you can call 911 and get her Baker Acted--they will detox her up in the hospital (hopefully) and psychiatrists will assess her competency. Go from there. Alcohol and benzos can cause worse than falls--they can cause coma.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Upstream said mother has been Baker Acted twice but then sent home where the bad behavior resumes. Does anyone know if there are laws or provisions for involuntary institutionalization beyond the 72 hours dictated by the Baker Act?

(2)

Report

I would first see a lawyer. Not for her, for you. If you do not have any POA or other legal responsibilities and do not want them (why would you?) there could be some paperwork you can file stating as much so you are not responsible for your mother in any legal way.
You already have your father's care on your plate. That's enough.
Odd things can happen when you are a presumed caretaker especially to a narcissistic parent. There was a woman and her daughter who moved in with the mother/grandmother who was unable to care for herself. When the woman laid down on the floor one day and refused to get up they called the EMS and police who said they could not force her to get up. They got her a pillow and blanket and kept trying to get her up. She would not even allow them to clean her up. Several calls to EMS and always the same - she is of sound mind legally and we can't force her to move. The woman died there on the floor. The daughter and granddaughter are now in jail for 5 yrs for elder abuse/neglect because they didn't do enough. Had they left the home, they still would have been found guilty because according to the state they didn't try hard enough (though no one in court could say what they should have done). I spoke for them in court because I worked with the woman who I knew to be horribly inept at self care and extremely demanding and narcissistic. I am sad I could not help more but it was a warning loud and clear. When my own mother suffered a spontaneous break of her dominant hand as she leaned on her walker to get up not one of us was willing to take on moving in with her (she was much like your mother but not with the meds, just the attitude). We took that opportunity to have her brought to the ER and from there made it clear to the nurses she had no where to go and no one to move in with her or to take responsibility. She was put in the care of a social worker who tried to get her to have a caretaker move into her home but when she refused living with someone she was packed off to a nursing home. In this case your smartest move is to legally absent yourself from her life. With people like this it's either you are all out, or all in.

Helpful Answer (9)

Report

StandYourGround: That is some crazy stuff!!! I have actually taken some photos and videos of my mom's behavior and words, because I am concerned about the possibility of being accused of some type of neglect. Last year I began reaching out to family members (all live far away) to give them a run-down of what has been going on, so that they won't be shocked if something bad happens. I have videos of my mom stating she wants to die. Yesterday she told me she is "ready to move to the grave".

(2)

Report

See 1 more reply

You could start Guardianship procedures. This is an expense but one she will ultimately pay for. And it entails paperwork that you will have to do as well as occasional court visits. Once you have Guardianship if you do not feel she is safe at home (and it does not sound like she is) you could place her in Assisted Living. (problem with that is she may be able to just walk out since AL's are not locked.)
Another option ..next time she threatens to commit suicide call 911 and explain that she is threatening to harm her self. They will take her to the hospital and there you can tell the doctors and social workers that she is not safe at home. They can help come up with options. You may also want to discuss with an Elder Care Attorney what the situation is and get as much in place as possible. This would be anything from Guardianship to POA for health, finances and Will. Discussing this and getting it set up may be beneficial down the road.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

I am the Poster: I want to thank everyone for responding, and mostly for your support!!!!! This situation is so horrible and so hard to explain to anyone. I feel like I am walking around with a few bricks around my neck all of the time.

Mom has been hospitalized for either falls or Benzo withdrawl/overdose 5-6 times since March 2018. She always has excessive alcohol in her system. She's been Baker-Acted at least twice, and has done four rounds of stays at a mental health facility. In June 2018 the hospital forced me to take her home while she was still drunk & beligerent, so I learned my lesson then not to show my face when she is admitted.

I've tried to let the "system" intervene but they keep releasing her and then we just do it all over again. My fear is that if I force the issue of moving into some type of facility and she is kicked out, then I am stuck with her because her house will have been sold. She can be extremely nasty, dropping the "F" bomb all over and I've had to apologize for her behavior in public several times.

This morning I drove by the cemetery where my parents purchased their plot, and I thought to myself that when they are (finally) gone, I will NEVER set foot in that cemetery. I will not be the somber visitor bringing flowers, I will only feel relief that I got my life back. Both parents have been a mess for a decade now, both abused alcohol, Benzos, and brought all of their drama to my doorstep. I want to run away :(

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

I just read your story. God bless you for still caring at all after such a long and hard ordeal. Seems to me the priority here is your own emotional and mental health. So glad you have a strong marriage and job, other positives in your life to focus your energies toward. Your mom has made her own sad choices and there’s nothing in your power to change them, addicts always find a way to get what they crave and are controlled by. I hope you’ll limit your exposure to this and take good care of you!

(6)

Report

What an awful situation you are in. It seems like you should give up trying to intervene in care your mother's care. She is an independent adult. You are not her caretaker, so I wouldn't think you could be held liable for neglect.
If she were to be institutionalised long term against her will, she would just have to be angry there. Her suicide threat might be real or might just be a manipulative tool. If she carried through with it, you would be done with her problems, but I'm sure you would suffer overwhelming guilt!
What a dilemma!

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

...or maybe by this time Upstream WOULDN'T suffer from overwhelming guilt because she hasn't done anything wrong and can't prevent something that her mother is determined to do. If her mother follows through, I hope Upstream DOESN'T punish herself for it.

(5)

Report

My father too is an alcoholic and we struggle with our options for the future. He also has dementia with little insight as to his actions. It is very stressful on children who are left to care for their loved ones when they fight everything you deem in their best interests. The situation will get worse for you & the loved one. I know it’s coming for me. I know you feel many emotions. It all awaits a major accident or a stronger you to take action against your mother’s wishes. Watching & witnessing is hard. I have had to reduce my visit durations as it’s hard on me & him...I am his dumping ground for his emotions which weigh heavily on me. But he won’t do anything to change. Do what it takes to live your own life fully. It’s hard. I think we will have regrets no matter what. We both know assisted living is best for them - if AL will even entertain the situation. Alas, Emotions get in the way and we procrastinate.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Kingsbridge: I can so relate to your comment "I am a dumping ground for his emotions". It's the same way for me. I find it so ironic because growing up my mom would never take the time to hear my young dramas or problems. She would always tell me "wait till I grow up and have adult problems", or she would just say I was spoiled and that she had had such a more difficult childhood. So I learned not to share a lot of my real true problems/issues with her. Now it makes me so mad to be her dumping ground. LOL now she just keeps pulling the age-card and saying I just don't know what it's like to be so old, so I just can't understand. A few weeks ago she told me my "time was coming" and I then I would find out what it's like to be old & alone :(

(4)

Report

Maybe she will consider an adult day program. However, if she is "using" they will not allow her to participate. She may also agree to more safety features in her home - grab bars in the bathrooms for toilet and tub, handrails in hallways, remove area rugs, brighter lighting, moving furnishings so there is more room to maneuver and less tripping hazard. If she is falling out of bed, there are side rails you can buy for non-hospital beds. Do an inventory of her meds. Some medications have side effects of "thinning the blood" and makes bruises form more easily. She might agree to be checked for osteoporosis and take meds to strengthen her bones. If her balance is unsteady, see if she would agree to use a cane or walker and good shoes to improve her balance.

You are wise to put boundaries/limits on what you should and should not do. If she is mentally competent, she has the right to decide how she wants to live and accept the consequences of her actions - real painful to watch. If you are a person of faith, pray for her safety.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

So glad to see this thread. There is a situation in my family similar to this. An alcoholic with repeated falls and dependent on medication. Has impaired judgment, lives in an untenable position but refuses to do anything to change things. Whenever a crisis happens and it seems like this time "something will have to be done", all of a sudden he rallies and can convince outsiders he is perfectly logical and able to take care of himself. Guilt all way round, and divided family on how much should be done for him.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

Keep hubby & ditch mommy - you can't be superdaughter with someone who refuses help - good luck

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

I agree! Always remember, you did not put her in this situation. Getting old and needing care is one thing. When they have an addiction and the doctor continues to give her a script for what is hurting her, that's just crazy. I quit my job over three years ago to take care of my mother in law. Little did I know she had dementia worse than we thought. She was always treated like a queen by her husband. Now I know why. She is a b... and just thinks she deserves to have everyone cater to her. Well I didn't grow up that way and I told her I am not her husband and she met her match. I will take care of her but not get taken advantage of. In the beginning her sisters used to take care of her once in a while to give me a break. This lasted until they realized what she was all about. Now they don't even come to visit. It is me 24/7. I don't have a life right now. We have locks all over the house. I have to turn all the circuit breakers off for the kitchen. She does things that would curl your toes. She used to smoke and drink. I stopped that because I didn't want our house burned down and the drinking would also cause her to fall so we don't have any in the house. The doctors had her on heavy meds which was crazy. She was hallucinating and just sitting on the floor and not getting up. Since I am with her so much I got to know what would trigger her and noticed how the meds reacted on her. We admitted her in the hospital psychiatric ward for 12 days. They would not keep her any longer. I told them her meds need to be cut down. They are all wrong. It was making her worse. They did what I told them and when she was released I took her to her psychiatrist. She even cut her down more on the dosage. It did not cure her but it did make things a little easier for her to cope and for me to handle her. Dementia has know cure but upping dosage to psychotic drugs also does not help. What I am saying is, if you take your mother into your home you will have a battle with her every day. She will fight you on everything you try to do even if it is right. You have to fight the system in order to get things right. She does not want help as far as you can see but understand she has two addictions that are mind altering. She needs to get help in a good facility to take her off of both. She has to have no access to any drugs or alcohol. Otherwise this will get worse and you can't do a thing about it. Hopefully she is not driving because she is not only going to harm herself but could harm someone else. He license needs to be taken away from her. It's obvious she is unable to control herself so someone has to control her. It is not your fault she is like this so you should not feel guilty. She does not see the harm she is doing not only to herself but to you. Just stay strong and reach out to professionals. There is a place for her you just have to keep looking. It's tough but when you do find it you will be in a better place. She will probably say she hates you but you just have to look the other way and don't listen to her. You know it's for her own good. Don't destroy your life for what she has done to hers. She is also looking for sympathy and attention. It will not get better unless you find the proper help or if you choose don't talk to her. Tough love or you will not make it through this. It could get very ugly before it gets better.

(2)

Report

First of all, do NOT, no matter what happens, allow her to live with you. Youl would be dammed to live in hell - NO, NO, NO. She is an alcoholic and a stubborn, difficult mule who threatens suicide. Well, let her rant and rave - she obviously is not fit to take care of herself. Go find a place to put her and then on the day, have her taken out for ride or lunch or whatever, and then meet your helpers and physically remove her into the home. They will watch so nothing can happen to her and they might be able to control her. She has brought this on herself - not you. So just do it and be strong. You have to watch out for YOU.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Take care of yourself first! If you need to vent or help with coping, perhaps you could see a therapist for your own needs. Sorry to say, but your mother is attempting to commit suicide on a daily basis. If she won't save herself and she won't let anyone else help to save her, then you have done all you can do. Pray for strength. You are human, but do not need to be codependent with her. Save yourself!

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

1 2

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Continual falls... Any advice?

44 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions