Continual falls... Any advice?
Mom is an alcoholic and has taken prescription Benzos for decades. Benzos are known to cause balance/fall issues. She takes them daily and is physically dependent upon them. She lives alone down the street from me. I have witnessed self-destructive/careless behavior from her since she was in her late 60s, which is around the time her strange falls began. The first serious fall was in 2010-2011 when she broke her hand severely, and then refused the surgeon's physical therapy because she said she was old and "would not live much longer" (she was only 68-69). As a result her hand is now minimally functional. Last year she had a broken shoulder, broken part of spine, and two weeks ago she took two more serious falls and thinks we now need to go back to the spinal doctor. Her knees are often swollen and bruised, her arms are often bruised and there have been two black eyes.
Because of her behaviors over the last decade, I cannot/will not live with her. My husband says he will move out if I move her in (I have a very happy marriage that I will NOT sacrifice). It seemed ideal to have her living down the street and I would be able to watch over her. She is a hermit, no friends and there are no other relatives (I am an only child). I am 52 and still work more than full-time. She refuses to discuss any other living arrangements for her. We live in the Orlando, FL area where there are quite a few senior-type apartments, but she will not hear of it. I believe she belongs in assisted living, but any mention of that to her results in a threat to commit suicide. I feel she is making her own decisions and she has the ability to damage my life, so I keep her at arms-length. Any advice from the Forum???
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Does mom still drive? If not, how would she fill an Rx or did they just hand her some?
With all the buzz about opioids, it it scary to read how someone can be given these so nonchalantly, without regard to anything else she is taking (and drinking)... Never mind sending an alcoholic who fell and broke 2 ribs home alone... Are these "doctors" really kids playing with a Fischer-Price medical kit?
Well, it is what it is... she will bring about her own demise and there really isn't a whole lot you can do about it. So long as she is considered 'competent', it is her decision to live life the way she wants. It will be sad to find her when she does go, but in a way it will be a relief. That is really no way to "live" and the worry it brings to you is awful.
Stay strong while swimming Upstream!
Mom drives. Regarding the Rx: The docs continually prescribe the Benzos, and have so for decades, despite warnings that they should be limited to short-term use and are known to contribute toward balance issues & falls in older people. She is so physically dependent upon them now that withdrawl would be risky - it could not be stopped cold turkey.
I too am shocked that the opiods were given. That was in the emergency room. She ended up spending 3 nights in the hospital under "observation" and was discharged yesterday with home health care. The regular hospital doctor did not continue with opiods, but instead a strong ibuprophen prescription and pain patches.
I did have to accept several years ago that her lifestyle is her choice. For a while I begged her to change, tried to offer constructive alternatives such as volunteering in the local community, etc. After many tears shed, I came to accept she was choosing her own path and I would just have to do all I could to minimize the effect on my own life. It has made me a harder and more jaded person, even my husband mentioned that the other night.
I have a loved one who was addicted to pills - Vicodin, oxycontin and anything else he could get his hands on. When he had a hip replacement, he convinced the doctor that he couldn't stand the pain and needed all the opioids he could give him. I intervened. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I went to the doctor and those caring for him in rehab and told them he was addicted. They changed his pain meds and gradually weaned him off the oxycontin and today he's a different man. Oh, he still takes meds for arthritis, but life is bearable now.
I know your situation is very different and your mom isn't in a situation where this would work - unless she's admitted to a facility that would keep her for a while.
Dear Upstream, my heart aches for you. You must be a very strong woman to continue to deal with this heartache. Hugs to you.
For years I begged him to go to a drug rehab facility. He always refused. Well, when I was a kid he tried methadone for awhile but it was an outpatient deal. He needed a long term in patient program.
They are afraid of the withdrawal process. Not fun. It’s hard. My brother was a bit different from most addicts. He used to tell me that he learned to control it. I would get so angry and tell him that drugs controlled him, not him controlling them.
But actually he could throw himself in a room cold turkey and detox. Most people can’t do that. Still, he always went back to using but he was not in a situation where he used daily which is unusual.
I don’t care if he didn’t use daily. Being an addict is so hard on the addict and everyone else involved in their lives. Doesn’t matter if it is drugs or alcohol. Addiction is tough.
You have a good marriage and you don't want to lose your husband - bless you! Hold on to him with all your heart. He comes first. You are doing the right thing by keeping her at arms length. There are support groups for families of alcoholics. You might benefit from attending one.
God bless you and give you strength. I have dealt with similar circumstances in my life and I know how devastating it can be. Many hugs. 💙
Her falls have almost completely stopped although her balance is still not great. If you can control what she drinks by supplying her the drinks I think you will find a big change in the falls. Good luck.
Re: bringing her to the hospital and refusing to take her home. It is, of course, an option. But, from the medical/hospital side, just let me say that this can be really hard on the patient. If you "granny dump" her and completely wash your hands of her, it puts the facility in a very difficult situation. They need to file for guardianship and that can take MONTHS. With your LO sitting in a hospital room that does not fit the needs of anyone that is not in need of acute care.
So, I would suggest that you instead try to get her placed somewhere with your assistance. If she goes to the hospital, help them place her so it can happen quickly. From home, work with someone to make it happen as well.
OP's mom has been hospitalized multiple times and the hospital has sent her home. Even Baker-act didn't work. Placing her isn't likely to work either - mom is NOT going to agree to this and you can't force her to. So long as mom is deemed 'competent', no one can force her to move or stay in the hospital or go for addiction treatment.
As I noted elsewhere, bad decisions and stupidity do NOT equal incompetence. The best OP can do is keep mom out of her own home and ensure protections are in place so no one can blame her for anything (see EC attorney.)
3) OP says "...They have sent her home with transport..."
4) OP said: "...the hospital forced me to take her home while she was still drunk & beligerent..."
Stay safe in that storm, if it decides to hit your area!
And repeat - NOT IN MY HOUSE!!!
Hey, Upstream! We are all here backing you up. Up Your mother's needs are way "above your pay grade." Please do not beat yourself up if you break free of her demands and rejections.
Llamalover47
Under no circumstances should you let her ruin your life. As a Christian, I believe we must be sure our parents are cared for properly in their old age, but that does not mean we must endure any kind of abuse from them.
I agree that whoever the doctor is should be ashamed of him/herself for prescribing these drugs over and over. I disagree that you interfacing with the doctor is going to change much. Mom is still "competent" and can make all the bad choices she wants. Even with dementia, we cannot force someone to do what is best for them if they are refusing (been there, done that!)
Stick to that mandate that you will NOT take her into your home! Talk about inviting the devil in!!! Both the alcohol and the meds are addictions and WE cannot cure addictions. The person *MUST* want to change, otherwise any attempts are fruitless. Even being locked up and "dried out" they can still return home and start over again.
Suggestions for finding a "place" for her and moving her are well-meaning but are not going to happen. You have NO control over your mom and have no authority to move her against her wishes. I seriously doubt any AL would take her in, given her "issues." Even if she agreed and went there sober, the drinking would resume and she would likely get tossed out! They are AL, not rehab centers for alcoholics and drug addicts.
Even suggestions to get guardianship are not likely to work out. She is NOT incompetent. Stupidity and addictions do not equal incompetence.
The good news is that it appears FL is NOT one of the Filial Laws states. Despite that, it might be a good investment to meet with an Elder Care attorney to discuss the issues and see if there is a way you can protect yourself from any condemnation AND keep her out of your care/home. S/he might even be able to make suggestions for how the "others" (hospital staff, social workers, etc) can handle the situation. One would think they wouldn't release someone who is a danger to themselves, but clearly they have done it already! From what I have heard/read about APS, you can try them, but I wouldn't hold my breath....
Repeat often - NOT in my house, Not in my house, Not in my house!
(one of my uncles died fairly young - liver I think - due to booze. He wasn't very elderly, but certainly too young to die from normal causes. I wouldn't have considered him an alcoholic, but clearly too much booze over the years took its toll. Another uncle did drink too much and it impacted his bones, making them soft, causing falls and breakage. His last fall was one too many - hit the bathtub and it was all downhill from there.) NOT in my house, NOT in MY house, NOT IN MY HOUSE!!!!
Also, no guilt. She made her bed and continues to lie in it. There is nothing ANYONE can do to change her bed. There's no point to making your life miserable trying to change anything.
They should be able to do specific blood tests to check alcohol and drug levels and proceed from there. If there is no patient portal, then send a letter and keep a copy. Ask them to call you with appt time/date when they get the letter.
You are wise to put boundaries/limits on what you should and should not do. If she is mentally competent, she has the right to decide how she wants to live and accept the consequences of her actions - real painful to watch. If you are a person of faith, pray for her safety.
If she were to be institutionalised long term against her will, she would just have to be angry there. Her suicide threat might be real or might just be a manipulative tool. If she carried through with it, you would be done with her problems, but I'm sure you would suffer overwhelming guilt!
What a dilemma!
Mom has been hospitalized for either falls or Benzo withdrawl/overdose 5-6 times since March 2018. She always has excessive alcohol in her system. She's been Baker-Acted at least twice, and has done four rounds of stays at a mental health facility. In June 2018 the hospital forced me to take her home while she was still drunk & beligerent, so I learned my lesson then not to show my face when she is admitted.
I've tried to let the "system" intervene but they keep releasing her and then we just do it all over again. My fear is that if I force the issue of moving into some type of facility and she is kicked out, then I am stuck with her because her house will have been sold. She can be extremely nasty, dropping the "F" bomb all over and I've had to apologize for her behavior in public several times.
This morning I drove by the cemetery where my parents purchased their plot, and I thought to myself that when they are (finally) gone, I will NEVER set foot in that cemetery. I will not be the somber visitor bringing flowers, I will only feel relief that I got my life back. Both parents have been a mess for a decade now, both abused alcohol, Benzos, and brought all of their drama to my doorstep. I want to run away :(
Another option ..next time she threatens to commit suicide call 911 and explain that she is threatening to harm her self. They will take her to the hospital and there you can tell the doctors and social workers that she is not safe at home. They can help come up with options. You may also want to discuss with an Elder Care Attorney what the situation is and get as much in place as possible. This would be anything from Guardianship to POA for health, finances and Will. Discussing this and getting it set up may be beneficial down the road.
You already have your father's care on your plate. That's enough.
Odd things can happen when you are a presumed caretaker especially to a narcissistic parent. There was a woman and her daughter who moved in with the mother/grandmother who was unable to care for herself. When the woman laid down on the floor one day and refused to get up they called the EMS and police who said they could not force her to get up. They got her a pillow and blanket and kept trying to get her up. She would not even allow them to clean her up. Several calls to EMS and always the same - she is of sound mind legally and we can't force her to move. The woman died there on the floor. The daughter and granddaughter are now in jail for 5 yrs for elder abuse/neglect because they didn't do enough. Had they left the home, they still would have been found guilty because according to the state they didn't try hard enough (though no one in court could say what they should have done). I spoke for them in court because I worked with the woman who I knew to be horribly inept at self care and extremely demanding and narcissistic. I am sad I could not help more but it was a warning loud and clear. When my own mother suffered a spontaneous break of her dominant hand as she leaned on her walker to get up not one of us was willing to take on moving in with her (she was much like your mother but not with the meds, just the attitude). We took that opportunity to have her brought to the ER and from there made it clear to the nurses she had no where to go and no one to move in with her or to take responsibility. She was put in the care of a social worker who tried to get her to have a caretaker move into her home but when she refused living with someone she was packed off to a nursing home. In this case your smartest move is to legally absent yourself from her life. With people like this it's either you are all out, or all in.
You’re so lucky to have your hubby and your business, to me they (and your dad) get your first energies. From another only child, who’s been saddled and manipulated for a looong time, I think it’s time for you to dig deep and become a new set of strategies and responses. Bless you in this journey. DEPART! 😀💐
One thing to remember is once you were to let your mother move in you'd be locked in pending court actions to have her removed the process alone would be devastating, you're doing the right thing by not allowing her into your home and around your family.
If your mother starts taking about suicide because she's not getting her way you can 'Baker act" her for her own safety but keep in mind once again the resentment you'll be facing after the fact....
You're dealing with a lot my thoughts and prayers go out to you, you're in a somewhat no win situation so protecting yourself and your family should be your main priority.
I wish I had better advise to give you in this situation but what your mother is doing isn't illegal and as long as she has the mental capacity to know right from wrong no one is going to step in and help, we can not force our wills and wants no matter how good the intentions onto another, she's making her own decisions it has nothing to do with you.