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My biological mother, 78, has always been a mean person, except in front of strangers or other "worthy people" [read: people who go to her elitist evangelical church].


Out of 3 children, I rank #2 in her "affections", which are mecurial at best. Because God loves her so much [just ask her!] and he is sending me and my brothers to hell [no need to ask - she'll remind us often!], she claims that God is protecting her from Covid. She believes that all who've died were secret sinners, or just non-believers who don't matter in God's eyes.


The fact that my brothers (who dislike her as much as I do) are not flying in for Christmas is "foolish" on their parts, she says, and "cruel" to her as a mother. I am willing to drive to her house (30 very long minutes) to endure an hour or two in her presence, and that of my equally self-righteous stepdad is already not enough to please her, the Unpleasable One. There will be three other relatives there, two of whom repeatedly claim that they "don't care if they die". None of those people take any precautions at all. The fact that I do irritates my mother.


After being badgered in several whining, pleading, woe-is-me phone calls, I finally said, "OK, I'll come. But I won't take off the mask or the face shield; I won't eat with the family; and I'll only stay an hour." She fake-cried for a few seconds, and then got angry. Of course, my stepdad always takes "her side". He will certainly pull me aside while I'm there and remind me that they are immune to it, thanks to their God's protection, and that since I'm going to hell, it doesn't matter if I get it, plus "it probably won't kill you anyway."


I find them utterly intolerable. I'm having a hard time forcing myself to even call my mom and her husband weekly, which is a courtesy I've tried to continue since I moved out of their house for college when I was only sixteen and very, very angry at them.


But the truth is, I'm starting to (hate) them now. I mean, literally hate them. Like, want nothing to do with them, never want to see them again, certainly don't want to listen to the same six jokes I've been hearing for 20 years. I am willing to drive by slowly and throw their Christmas presents out the window and keep on driving!


But I will go.


I will be the "good daughter" through gritted teeth. My boyfriend, who is similar in some unhappy ways to my mother, says I should just stop communicating with them entirely. Therapists have advised the same, more than once. But I won't do it. I will continue to endure because some days, she will be the "nice mother" for an hour or two! Sometimes, even just for a few minutes, she will not whine, beg, threaten, cajole, implore and cry crocodile tears trying to force me/some other family member into doing whatever she wants done, or &itching about one of us behind another's back.


I feel bad about liking her less as she needs me more, and as her mind slips further away. She was hateful to the several elderly relatives she cared for back when she was around my age, and sometimes downright cruel. She always complained about them, claiming that "the mean ones live the longest." Now she's fulfilling her own prophesy and I'm sad/angry/confused/hearbroken that I'll never have a real mother.


Thanks for reading this "venting" email. I feel angry at myself for not liking her, and angry at her for being such a witch for the last 56 years of my 56-year-old life.


I'll go. I'll mask. I'll leave. I'll want to cry and punch her all at once, but I'll choke it down like I've always done. But as her dementia continues to unveil her sick mind and horrid personality, this gets harder and harder.

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SeniorStruggles....
i read your post three times. I say just do not go. Dont put yourself through this. I am one who understands EXACTLY what you mean about “elitist evangelicals “.....
have you thought about getting counseling or therapy for yourself? I feel that would benefit you in ways you don’t understand. As you say, youve endured this behavior for a lifetime, its time to draw some boundaries or go no contact, for your own peace of mind and heart. And a good therapist can help you to come to terms with the type of person your mother is and what you can do,or not do) to help yourself. Google FOG, (fear, obligation and guilt.). You may be surprised by what you find. I sure hope you do whats necessary for yourself, and not worry about your parent. Liz

OH and if you do go to your mothers, yes wear your mask and faceshield and dont forget to social distance!!! 😊
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SeniorStruggles Dec 2020
Thanks. I have seen a lot of therapists in my youth to get over the trauma of being raised by her and her husband. You're right. I need help to navigate this dreadful new stage in our lives. Thank you, @Cherokeegrrl54.
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Anyway you’d consider enjoying the drive, maybe looking at Christmas decorations along the way, listening to music you like, and then dropping off a gift or gifts at the door along with a nice batch of cookies, and leaving to enjoy the rest of your holiday without going inside at all? You’re still making an effort, that seems important to you, yet it’s also protecting your health, in every way. Time for a nice holiday and I wish you one!
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SeniorStruggles Dec 2020
Thank you for your kind response, Daughterof1930. I've decided I will go, and drive over with my mom's much-hated younger sister. She has never said a nice word about her 71 y/o sister in my presence. So if I drive my poor old aunt, who is mentally handicapped since birth, then I'll have the perfect excuse to leave early and my mom will be glad to see her sister go. Great Plan B! I may be able to leave within 90 minutes!

Being a Superior Christian God Loving Woman like mom is means that every now and then, she has to tolerate her sister and pretend to like her when in the presence of the other two (distant and new-to-the-area) relatives who might not realize what a stellar example of God's good nature she is if she told them what she really thinks about her sister.
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Ahhhh,,,this post puts me in mind of my grandmother who lived with us growing up, and my mothers hatred of her for, among other things, her Evangelical religious leanings and promises we'd all be burning in hell for our various sins. It wasn't enough to have the Catholic nuns screaming that nonsense at me in school, but at least I was told I could go to Purgatory first and TRY to atone for my 7 year old's horrid horrid sins there and perhaps avoid the flames of eternal hell. Sigh.

For your folks to believe that they're SO special that God is choosing to protect only them and their elite crowd from a virus is beyond unthinkable. The rest of us heathens be damned, huh? As if God doesn't love ALL of His children equally.

And how sad that you're willing to endure SUCH torture for the mere chance of seeing a moment of decency from your mother. I know the feeling. I compare it to Lucy holding that football out for poor Charlie Brown, time after time, promising not to pull it away at the last moment. And Charlie Brown believing her every time, hoping beyond hope, that THIS time she would be nice.

Heres hoping THIS is your time, too, my friend. Merry Christmas
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SeniorStruggles Dec 2020
I've thought about, spoken about, and whined about the Charlie Brown analogy with our mother to my brothers a thousand times. And yet as soon as I moved back to the area mom and "dad" live in, my brothers both moved away within a year, leaving me to hold the emotional drama.

I need to get out of this state and go home. I'm seeing that more and more clearly. Thank you for understanding without judgement...I get plenty of that at my mom's house.
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I have such sadness when hearing stories like yours and I don't understand why it happens. Nevertheless, I have to applaud you for your intestinal fortitude. You say you're heartbroken that you'll never have a real mother. That's true. Hoping that she'll have an hour or two of civility isn't worth the emotional roller coaster you will go thru when you visit. This situation is eating you up. I understand that you want to be the “good daughter” but why at the expense of your own sanity. You hate them and I'm sure you resent not having a loving mother. End it now. Let your mom and her husband live their life of “holiness” and “salvation”. Even though you've already said you'd come, I'm sorry, I wouldn't show.
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SeniorStruggles Dec 2020
You're so right. Thank you.
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Have you talked to your mom about what her plans are for her elder care? At 78 she should be thinking about it, and you need to know if her plan is YOU. Now is the time to establish boundaries because things will only get worse with your mom as the dementia progresses.

It's good that she has a husband and is still capable of living in her home but that can all change very fast. Make sure NOW that you won't be the one left holding the bag.

As far as Christmas, if I were you I wouldn't go. Your mom has no respect for your covid concerns. If SHE wants to risk exposure and her health because of her loony ideas about God's protection then that is her choice. It doesn't have to be your choice, and quite frankly I would assert my independence here if I were you. "Sorry Mom I'm not coming and I won't be around until I can get the covid vaccine".... END OF STORY.

My mom is like a non-religious version of your mom. Was always a mean narcissist. Now she has dementia and lives next to me needing my care. Learning to establish boundaries with my mom has been so hard for me, and will likely always be a work in progress, but it is so necessary. That's why I am encouraging you to start doing it NOW. Otherwise, you will go crazy trying to deal with her, and all the complicated feelings that come with it.
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cherokeegrrl54 Dec 2020
Exactly!!!
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All I can say is keep those Boundries. They say this second wave is worse than the first one. Our small populated area has seen 55 cases in one day to the 20 or so a day when this all first started. We now have friends contracting it and a guy my husband golfed with died from COVID complications, he had an underlining condition.

At this point, Mom has StepDad so doesn't "need" you. She wants to controll you. Do your little hour visit. Don't allow them to talk you into more. You told Mom what you are willing to do, so stick by your guns. If you don't, things will get worse.

I was taught that God also lets things happen. There is a reason why he does what he does. Maybe so we will learn a lesson or make us stronger. Life is constant learning. What people like you and me have to learn is to know when we have given too much of ourselves. I don't think God wants us to punish ourselves to try and make someone else happy. In your Moms instance, she never will be happy. There is no one who can do that. When God said Honor your Mother and Father, he meant those people who also honored you. It doesn't mean it has to be your biological parents, but the people who actually raised and cared for you. He does not expect a child to take abuse for a lifetime. Maybe walking away is what he wants you to do so you can find your own happiness and peace of mind.

This has been a discussion lately on the forum. What are you looking for? Mom to change, show you some love? Its not going to happen. And that is sad but its reality. Maybe in 2021 you can start stepping back more and more. A call a week is OK but if that call becomes abusive, say goodbye. Your Mom has her husband. SHE needs to understand that her actions are what causes her children to stay away. SHE has to change. And if she doesn't, that is her fault no one elses. God gave us brains to be able to make choices. Choices to protect ourselves either from mean negative people or wearing a mask to protect us against COVID.
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This year my DH and I are both 100% estranged from his mother, and looking at how this all came to be...I am so grateful for the 'gift' of not having to fake it for her any more.

We all had a bad year, in some ways, but SHE had it worse than anyone else in the world. She repeatedly tells us that her Dr. has told her SHE has suffered more than anyone who ever lived. (I got snarky once and asked her if she'd suffered more than Jesus did and she blew up at me. Evidently, she did!)

You CANNOT reason with someone so self absorbed and hateful. Trust me, I tried for 46 years. Walking away--TELLING her I would never see her again and that was my GIFT to her was so cathartic.

You're sweet to even get a gift and toss it on the front porch. My MIL will be getting nothing (b/c I do all the shopping and DH won't). Will she notice or care? IDK and I do not care.

At 90, my MIL isn't changing. She's getting worse and worse. Perhaps if DH and I were stronger or had thicker skins--or if DH had believed me when for the last 40+ years she has systematically put me down and belittled me--things wouldn't be so bad. Until I walked away and he had no buffer to take with him to absorb her hate, he just would say "she's difficult". Someone who tells you to go to hell for Christmas is not a nice person.

Your evangelical Mom had forgotten the ONE most important teaching of Christ: "Love one another as I have loved you". AND, although He encourages us to turn the other cheek--HE did not say "stand there and be beaten to death".

Yes, someday we need to forgive these toxic, hateful people. My own personal belief is that I do NOT possess the qualities that will allow me to do that in this life. Eternity is a long time. I hope God gives me that quality in the next life.
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SeniorStruggles, do what you feel you need to do, but please keep yourself safe in doing so. Care for yourself, especially if your relatives won't take care for you.
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Hell certainly sounds preferable to spending eternity with Mom. At least to me it does. Of course I don't believe in hell, and I hope you don't either.
Why would you like her? Because you share the same blood?
I wouldn't like her if she was my Mom. Or my Sis. But that's me.
You say that you will be "the good daughter". Don't expect people to give you any awards on that. Many will label you "the dumb daughter".
Make a life for yourself. We have two chances at a good family. First is the one you are born into. That's done and a failure. Now you have the chance to make your own good family separate from what is toxic and deadly. Whether you do or not is purely your own choice.
Please seek professional help to come out your own choices moving forward. You may choose to stay where you are, but at least you will understand that it is your choice.
I am very sorry for all that has befallen your entire family.
I do need finally to ask you if this is not the Mom that you recently moved, with your father, from Arkansas to live near you? The one who came with the problem dog? And who has been such a problem since? The one you recently escaped from because you were going kind of crazy?
Time to unwind from all of this. Or not. But basically to accept that it HAS BEEN/IS/Always will be YOUR OWN CHOICE for your own life. Certainly made more difficult if this is the parent you moved to be near you.Because now she IS, near you.
Sorry. Today seems all tough love for me. You probably were most venting. But you did ask if we had any advice.
Please keep yourself well. Christmas is coming, and in January we will see a nightmare surge of Covid - 19 beyond our possiblity to even absorb the thought of now, unless I am mistaken. Our President elect warned us of this yesterday, and said it as a certainty. I fear we have tired of the epidemic and despite the death we are seeing we cannot absorb it much anymore after 9 months of hearing about it. We will be in Triage. Do let Mom know if she gets it she likely won't even be admitted to care.
As to having a "real Mom". Right. That is over. Has been over for a good long time.
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I would most definitely NOT go. Why are you putting yourself in a toxic situation whether she has dementia or not? Stay away from her and set boundaries and stick to them. No one is going to give you a gold star for going to visit your mother.

She will not be alone as she has your stepfather.

Mail her a gift with a card and that's that.

Sorry if this is not what you want to hear but I agree with your therapists to stop communicating with your mother. I suggest after Christmas to get in touch with your therapist.

Best to you,
Jenna
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