I'm a bit distraught today because I got into a bad fight with my brother regarding my mom.
I texted him yesterday to say that I'm hearing lots of people are getting sick with covid who are vaccinated ie mom's hairdresser told us she had 4 cancellations yesterday etc. I asked if we could discuss how safe it was to bring mom to xmas eve dinner (23 people) and xmas day lunch (11 people). He got very angry in his text response and told me he is tired of this subject and we just won't go anywhere anymore - end of discussion - don't want to talk about it. I was so sad that he doesn't have the capacity to engage with me who is mom's primary caregiver 24/7. Later, I told mom to talk to him and he really wants to go, we will go. I was upstairs when mom asked him last night about going and I overheard he said "stop, I don't want to discuss this anymore, etc etc" and so it infuriated me and I went downstairs and read him the riot act and in front of my frail mom ...he didn't react and continued to watch tv.... I left the house with mom begging me not to go. I lost my temper and I feel that I ruined mom's health, xmas and my relationship with my brother (my brother and I don't talk much since he doesn't communicate feelings, etc). This all started with me just asking if he thought it would be safe to take mom. Omricron is raging in NYC right now and so many vaccinated people I know are getting covid. My mom had covid. She is boosted. But she has heart failure, diabetes and hypertension and was hospitalized once already w covid in March 2020. Was I in the wrong to worry about taking her to a party of 23 family members (all vaccinated but not all boosted and many school kids and young adults)? My brother and I never fought in 60 yrs since we don't talk much to each other but this left us all rattled - I really lost my temper for 1 minute.
Why would you expose yourself? Can your mother make her own decisions? If so, then let her go with him if she must go.
And enjoy some peace and quiet, since you wrote: " am moms main caregiver ie male....my brother is 1 yr older and works 15 hr days but is not the "caregiver" type.....but my mom never ever questions anything my brother does and questions everything i do....."
My mother will go nowhere for Christmas, which makes me kind of sad as she is 92 and I just don't see how she can hang in for many more holiday seasons. Personally? I think she would be fine going to a couple small gatherings. But it's not my call, it's My YB's.
And yes, we're all still pretty edgy and jumpy. My daughter's in-laws refuse to be vaccinated and so their son (a Dr.) has declared that they cannot be around his kids--the 4 yo not being vaccinated yet. He has the right to do this and they have the right to refuse vaccination. They 'state' they've had covid twice, but there's no testing to prove it so. It's not worth the risk.
Try to make the day as nice for mom as you can, and no, you are not wrong to not want her exposed to covid again. With her history of being vaxxed and still getting covid kind of shows that she's not getting full immunity. It's a big risk.
My family will all be in town for Christmas. This has not happened in 23 years. It probably won't happen again, in my lifetime. I know everyone is vaccinated. Except for the 4 yo and we're comfortable with his being in a 'herd immunity' situation.
Will we be all together and healthy the whole week we'll all be here? Absolutely not, but I just want ONE picture of everyone.
However, if that doesn't happen, it won't happen. I think covid has really altered our state of thinking.
For myself, at 80 and partner at 81 his children and grandchildren will be with us, a total of 11 people in a very small flat, and for the most part in one room of that flat. We have skipped a Christmas and decided not to skip another. All are triple vacc'ed. We have test kits (the instant 15" ones that can be iffy as to accuracy) and will take upon entry into house.
I have had now to ride crowded transit, masked and etc. So basically hoping the omicron is as relatively less lethal as it appears to be.
Our peak comes in 6 weeks. There are two theories now by the experts. 1) Omincron is so much less lethal and so much more a spreader that we will ALL get it just as we all get the common cold, but those of us with vaccine will not die of it and those without vaccine are much less LIKELY to die. Omicron means the end of this pandemic as a killer because the virus just morphed into a variant more spreadable but less lethal, and that will mean we get herd immunity without death. The number 2) is that we are in the most dangerous place of all now in that if a link comes to link on to this easily spread one (think common cold) then we are looking at many deaths. Only time will tell.
Meanwhile you are where we ALL are. Knowing only what we can know so far in something very new to our generations,and making the best decisions we can. There is no need for anger, but some will insist on being angry. And that is the way of life. I think Christmas puts an onus and burden on us to "make nice" and let's face it: life isn't always nice. Good luck and best to you for a good holiday and no illness for anyone you love.
My employer is a national company and is shutting down offices as of tomorrow through to January 10th.
When I heard "...the fifth wave..." on the radio I was close to crying.
It has been almost 2 years of anxiety provoking news reports. People are stressed and it hits us in different ways.
One different people have different risk tolerances, family dynamics etc. My uncle has cancer, this will be his last Christmas. His wish is to be surrounded by family. The family is granting his wish. We are double vaxxed, boosters are not widely available yet. My 87 year old Mum will be there, it is 100% her choice.
Mjillwt, you were trying to get your brother to be the bad guy and tell Mum that she cannot go to the Christmas events. He did that, now you are not happy with him. This is your and his stress talking.
Realistically would be up for two busy events 2 days in a row? I know Dad at 92, can only manage 1-2 activities per week and needs 1-2 days to recover. An activity could be going to the doctor or out for lunch.
So what are your options? Do you have technology that would allow Mum to join in via Zoom or another APP.
If your own, personal comfort level is that you don't feel the risk is worth it, then go with that. When restaurants first reopened, we decided as a family we would not go until EVERYONE in the home was comfortable. It took my daughter the longest to get there, and that was OK, we didn't pressure her.
I'm curious, however, how your mom feels about this? At 85, when the pandemic first hit us, my mother was the least worried of all of us, even though she knew if she got it, it likely would have been fatal.
As far as your brother's melt down, to a certain extent I can understand just not wanting to talk about it anymore. He's agreed with your stance, and agreed to abide with it, however unhappy that might make him. Just as you expect him to understand your emotions about the decision, I think you need to understand his as well. At the most basic level of your situation, you won...so be gracious about it and stop escalating it by continuing the conversation.
But it's a real fine line. Everyone in my family was boostered save two, a 19-yo and a 10-yo. The 10-yo got covid four days before the kid shot came out, which she got.
Can you ask your mom this? Perhaps she feels it is worth the risk to go or not to.
of course it’s ok for you to ask him a question. he should have just replied calmly.
——
regarding the actual decision…go/don’t go.
i’m not sure what i would do.
if the LOs are of sound mind, i’d ask their opinion. if they want to risk it, ok. they might prefer a wonderful xmas with everyone.
at some point we all will die. often one regrets the things one didn’t do, all the missed chances.
if the LOs aren’t of sound mind, i also don’t know what i’d do. i’d try to guess what my LOs would want.
my LOs would want to be with family. :)
it really depends, follow your gut :).
The bottom line is this: we're all going to die of something sooner or later anyway. We can stay holed up in the house to be 'safe' and wind up dying ANYWAY. Or, we can 'take our chances' and be with family this holiday season, realizing that this new strain is the LEAST deadly of all the strains, turn off the TV set, and stop letting fear rule our LIVES.
Our choice.
Your brother doesn't want to hear the fear mongering anymore, so honor his wishes and honor your mom's wishes, whatever they may be.
I can totally understand your brother not wanting to talk about it. The subject is getting quite annoying!
Life is full of risks. She could get sick. She could die. She could die tomorrow anyway. She's no spring chicken so I'd say go enjoy a nice event.
My suggestions come along with the ability to say "whatever happens, happens". You can't let her go and then freak out and feel guilty if she does get sick. It would have to fall more into the "she died doing what she wanted to do". I think it's sad to keep loved ones apart. I know - it's happening in my family too and it's heart breaking. But I have to accept their choices.
I don't blame your brother for getting angry. More people should be getting angry.
First it was don't wear a mask it doesn't do anything. Then it was wear a mask. Then stay inside for two weeks. Then wear two masks. Then get your shots and you don't have fo wear a mask. Then it was you have to wear a mask even if you get your shots Then it was the shots aren't enough get your booster. Then get another booster. How many boosters is it going to take?
The people alive during the spanish flu were lucky because they didn't have to put up with all this nonsense.
How many more boosters is it going to take? How many more boosters are you willing to take?
Until the government stops funding testing and giving financial incentives to hospitals this is never going to end.
In case your Brother doesn't say it, I will: You were right.
My brother in law passed away in Oct had a funeral for him at that funeral only 4 family members were masked and a funeral employee. The funeral was a covid spreader. Who showed up to the funeral were all family members except for 3 people. Seven family members got covid and no there weren't wearing a mask and yes they were vaccinated. So covid will attack anyone even if you are vaccinated. But if you were masked at that funeral it would have given protection. My other BIL was vaccinated we wear masks around him all the time because he has dementia and other lying health problems he was one of the ones that got covid and yes he was vaccinated(Pfizer Vaccine) to this day he isn't right, the dementia progression went faster because of covid we think. Now we are dealing with high blood pressure on him because of covid that he can't have because of seizures and heart attacks.
YOU DID RIGHT by questioning taking your mother to that party and I would think about it with another party. You know you can celebrate Christmas at anytime that is what we are going to do I rather be outside than inside(we live in Iowa so right now its freezing)
I also think lack of hand washing hygiene is a bigger problem. And that hand sanitizer everyone uses us not a substitution for good old soap and water.
It doesn't matter who is in the right and who is in the wrong.
What matters is this could possibly be mom's last Christmas.
Moms been validated, mom's had covid, ect.
Swallow your pride, don't put rather mom should go or not on your brother's shoulder.
If mom wants to go, take her.
To tell you the truth, your mom has more exposure of getting it just from visiting the hair salon.
If she wants to go, take her and let her have a Merry Christmas.
You can't live the rest of your life under a rock. Scared to go anywhere.
Covid and all of the variants are flu.
Before 2 yrs ago, you either got the flu shot or you didn't. You either caught the flu or you didn't.
Every one wasn't scared into thinking it's doomsday.
Don't make mom wear a mask, it's hard to breathe and it doesn't do any good.
Merry Christmas
The flu killed less than 2,000 last season. Compared to the 800,000 dead from Covid.
I truly understand your place, my dad w/dementia is 93 and he doesn't have much time either. If there is still small chance he can recognize and enjoy the memory than it'll be done.
So, I vote to do what's joyfully the best for your parent.