Hi I have been quarantining with my 89 yr old mother since mid March - we all had covid in NYC and she was hospitalized for 5 days and home (mostly in bed) for 5 weeks. She is better now and still has antibodies but hasn't seen family since last Christmas. We skipped Thanksgiving but now she wants to get together with her 2 nephews and their families for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day - it will be the same 11 people on both days. Her Drs advised against it. I have been pleading that we stay home. She wants to go! She was near tears saying I can't stay in this house any longer. She also said, this could be my last Christmas. I have HIGH anxiety about going but how can I not take her even with the risks? I don't want to go but she is not backing down. I don't want to go through covid again with her alone in the hospital but she seems to just want to go. I'm really having a ton of anxiety over this and shocked my mom can't just stay home a few more months (like all of us) until this is over.
But if that's not you, perhaps you can stay home, and let one of her nephews come and get her, or you can just have a "drive by" visit, where at least she can get out of the house for a while. And of course last but not least, you can do what a lot folks will be doing and just have a Zoom visit with the whole family. Well that's my 2 cents worth. Hope you and your family have a very Merry Christmas!
But then Mhillwt will be the one to have to take care of her mother if she contracts it again, and might end up contracting it again herself.
anyone positive 12/23 stays put to isolate and their “bubble” does not go to the family Christians eve / day event. And anyone positive after the get together from that 12/27 test tells everyone else so the entire family can quarantine 10 days.
You said, “I don’t want to go.” So, don’t do it.
She’s not giving up. Well you don’t have to give up either.
Tell her, No! If you can’t bear to hear her complain and of course it’s hard to hear, then walk away, wear ear plugs and most of all tell her that is your FINAL decision! She will give up because she has to.
We are in the home stretch concerning COVID. I don’t blame you for not wanting to get together with others.
Keep your ears open about the future. If her doctor approves a visit later on, it will be just as nice.
She doesn’t have to have a visit during the Christmas season.
I love my nephews and their families but I won’t be seeing them. They FaceTimed with me for Thanksgiving. I was fine with that.
Stick to your guns. Don’t cave! Do what is best for you.
This truly is best for your mom too. Her doctor has not approved of any socializing at this time. It is heartbreaking.
It’s truly sad but unfortunately, these are the times that we are living in.
Your mother is 89 years old and has survived the virus. I'd let her do whatever she wants to do with regard to celebrating the holidays this year. You can stay home if you'd like to, but why should she have to?
And to say this whole thing will be 'over' in a few more months is wishful thinking, really. Even with a vaccine, only a certain percentage of us will be willing to take it, meaning 'herd immunity' is unlikely to happen. I seriously doubt there's an end in sight for at least another year if not more. Who can live in fear for THAT long?
We only have today, each of us. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. God bless you and your mom, and good luck with whatever decision she makes.
If I were your mom, I'd feel the same. I'm really depressed about having to stand outside a window and watch my grands open all the gifts we got them.
DH will very likely get a vaccination in Jan, but I am not as high risk as he is, so probably not for months yet, unless my oncologist gets a batch sooner and feels I am at high enough risk.
SO GRATEFUL there are now vaccines coming to play and it will be a blessing, but it will take a LONG TIME to get to everyone who wants one. (And 40% of the population still won't get vaccinated. Same % as the flu vaccine.)
Good Luck--try to see if you can get SOME of the family to see mom. BTW, it is a Drs JOB to err on the side of caution. My SIL Is a Dr., he's HAD covid and so did his whole family. They are so happy-b/c they had it lightly and didn't pass it to us, and now they can put the kids in school, etc. Dr. Joe says he knows that there's at least a 90 day window of 'high immunity'. ALL his patients are very sick people, so he is on top of things like this. I trust his judgment.
My Mom is 93 and we'd like her to be here for her 94th. We have been limiting exposure and working from home since mid-March. We have friends who are our age, insisted on having the gender reveals and Fathers Day get-togethers who have contracted COVID and have buried their elder relatives. Other friends our age (60) have died from COVID, one is still in ICU, and it was traced back to the wife's hairdresser. REALLY? What people are willing to risk their life for.....just makes little sense. Ultimately you have to make the decision but when you put it in perspective, it's ONE DAY. You can easily do a Zoom meeting to be together, share some laughs and stories, and open packages together. Surely beats the alternative of someone going to the hospital without you by their side, no?
BTW, every person that attends brings about a dozen contacts' exposure with them, so do the math and determine if that's worth losing your Mom over.
My vote is for stay at home and try all the lovely things people have suggested: Zoom, drive by's, etc. and a continued commitment to get through 2020 alive.
Yes, it’s not the same. And yes, we are burned out on social restrictions. But.
Based on age alone, mom is high-risk.
Even if mom is somehow an excellent candidate for surviving COVID, her dementia means that a trip to the ER or a hospital/ICU stay could trigger a cascade of anxiety, agitation, confusion and oppositional behavior.
Also - if you contract COVID, there’s no guarantee that your outcome will be rosy. People of all ages are getting pummeled by this virus. Debilitating symptoms have manifested in every age group. Every. Age. Group.
Doing the right thing means doing the boring thing. That’s just how it is for a while.
My heart goes out to you. I’m very tired of all this, too. 🎄
Five got Covid. Her son died and she could not attend his funeral because she was in the hospital.
He was only 53.
Another daughter was released from the hospital.
It is a sad situation for all.
You don’t know who is asymptomatic and could spread it to others who can get very sick. Some do some don’t. This is just a note of what can happen. You have to make a decision based on your situation. Be safe!
If you do decide to see others, it will be harder to social distance with the colder weather. If you could find a way to be outside (maybe on a patio with outdoor heaters?) that would be preferable to being inside.
If you could find a way to have plated meals instead of buffets or cater meals rather than potluck which preferable to family members cooking and serving without masks or gloves.
If you could find a small apartment or vacation rental rather than a hotel or staying with family since that will cut down the amount of risk of transmission.
I would probably see if you can get mom to wait until she has had both doses of the COVID vaccine. Then you can celebrate with family with a little less anxiety.
i understand your frustration with your mother, these conversations are often strained & difficult. I agree with others, protect yourself .. you can decide not to attend and maybe after Christmas, your mother can quarantine for 14 days at your nephew’s house.
Wishing you peace of mind & a clear conscience.
My mom has been careful as I have. I am still nervous about an indoor Christmas celebration because the son mentioned above is flying in. There will be five of us. My mom insists on coming. My other son living in another country in a big city has had covid and he is the age he barely noticed it, like a mild cold.
Off tangent- My dad died of cancer when he was 36 which was a shock. So, since an early age of six I always new life was fleeting and fragile and comes at you fast. Also, from a very early age I felt the responsibility of taking care of my mom. But, who is looking out for me. (Me I guess 🙂) Covid is really another invisible enemy and we are all playing risk assessment and trying to slow the spread. God bless all of you and Merry Christmas.
I saw her on Thursday and she brought this up in passing--I freaked out a tiny bit b/c I thought they were all still actively sick, but no, the last sicky was out of quarantine that day.
I asked mother how she felt about seeing the family, one by one and the possibility of getting COVID. She said she wouldn't care if she got it if she was guaranteed she could die. She said that 2020 has been so depressing and she'd feel bad about ending her life on a low note--and I get that. I know she was trying to get me to plan some kind of family party, but there's well over 50 of us and 1 pregnant niece and 8 months old twins. Nope, not doing it.
It's going to be a weird holiday season. I personally will be glad to have it over and done and marching solidly into 2021 awaiting my vaccine and taking off that darn mask. And getting a pedicure. My feet look like hooves.
I, too, would take the chance with a N95 mask, which is probably what DH and I will end up doing. Sitting 10' from the un-immune kids and watching them, then leaving as soon as they've opened their gifts.
It is what it is.
She should see her family.
They can stay their distance after they give her her Xmas hug and kiss.
She can wear a mask when she isn't eating and before she eats make sure her hands are clean.
Also, if she's already had the virus she'll have a good chance of not getting it again.
Also, hopefully during the Xmas gathering.
There's a couple windows open to let in some fresh air.
One last thought. I would start giving her an Airborne to take every day to build up her immune system before the Xmas Gathering.
Your mom has her mental wits about her and it should be her choice.
Mare her happy for Christmas, like your mom said. It could be her last.
She needs to hang in there until she gets the vaccine, which will be within a few months for her and is really effective. Just because she is old does not mean she gets to have her way.