Where do I start? My dad became disabled last July with transverse myelitis. He recovered somewhat aside from a wobbly gait at times and poor strength in one arm. I have never read where this condition causes mental confusion and STUPOR. After my concerns and those of family members, I investigated and found his wife is giving him sleeping pills when he wakes up in the morning and also early evening. I confronted her and she told me that a doctor prescribed it that way. I managed to remove it from two morning doses and my dad was completely different. He washed a car, took out the trash, and worked in the yard. I demanded she stop and she refuses. Last week, he fell in the yard and hit his head on a brick. In the last 108 days, she has filled prescriptions that include a total of 210 sleeping pills and 180 Prozac. He is diabetic and she is giving him seroquel twice a day which renders him comatose and probably very high sugar as she no longer gives him his metformin. My dad told me to back off and thinks I overreacted. He is pretty much at her mercy 24/7. The two days that she didn't get morning sleeping pills in him, I felt like I had my dad's back. But I can see he won't be living in 6 months. I know the moment I report, she will block me from ever seeing my dad again. Where do I start? She has POA, the doctors won't speak to me, she has sold all his jewelry, put everything in her name. It's pretty clear she is planning for her future without him. Open to advice. I am not wealthy and I don't have deep pockets. Thanks in advance . :°(
It's unfortunate, but being out of the loop often happens with step parents.
Maybe she's having trouble (little dementia?), and forgets how many pills or which pills she's given him? Maybe she needs someone to help her with this.
You might want to ask her if there's anything you can do to help, and start doing those things. Do they need any money? Lots of people say no; you have to hand them the money ~ if you have any extra, even $10, $20. And/or you could just pay for some things to be done. You might offer to take him off her hands a few days by taking him to your home? come over and do things needed? wash their car/s or take them to be washed .. serviced, stay (babysit) with him ..give him what he needs.. so she can go out? and give her a break, .. laundry, cooking (or bring meals), house & yard help, pick up prescriptions? groceries? order groceries? ride to drs? dds? Do they need garbage service to pick up garbage at the door? You could set that up for them. Pay/write their bills? Help with banking? She may need help and feel she has no one to help her care for him or too uncomfortable or embarrassed to ask, or not realize she really needs help, too. People often don't ask for help when they really do need and welcome help. She may be very overwhelmed with his care and trying to care for herself, too.
As you said, you don't want to give her an excuse to spite you by blocking contact and creating a more strained relationship with her. On the other hand, she is taking care of him, though it may not be how you think is best or even is best; she's at least there and helping him so he's fed and not in squalor.
I'd work on trying to help her care for him without interfering, unless it becomes obvious they both need care and then you'll need to work on getting care for both of them. She may be more open with you if you address her needs.
Good luck.
Oh yes . I pay for groceries, bills, anything he wants or needs. But not now. The minute I asked her to explain what she was doing, the class came out and she has not spoken to me since. That is far better than being used. She doesn't see me as "willing to do anything" to see my dad while she drugs him. I said it was wrong and she has a real problem with that. So. We have a problem here. Now that I have the list of drugs.. I had no idea how big the problem was but am glad I now know. :-(
Last month she filled 30 sleeping pills at Wal-Mart and the next day she filled 60 more, same doc, different script. Why they did that.
I removed them from his morning meds and remarkably, it's not easy to know he has anything medically wrong. He's walking every night and is no longer in a stupor during the day. He says he feels the best he has felt in 6 months and it shows. Was a temporary fix.
If your Dad is not mentally incapacitated, you would not be able to pursue guardianship in the courts. You CAN call APS and report your concerns, but you are correct in assuming she'd cut you off. Then your only recourse would be an attorney for sure if the county doesn't see any reason to intervene.
I do believe you should contact his doctor's office IN WRITING and inform them of the willful overdosing. I'm not sure what else you can do legally except if you can get your dad on a clear day take him to an attorney and see if he's willing to reassign his PoA to you as long as you promise not to cut off his wife (but then you will always need to be on the lookout for her convincing him to change it back to her). Or, you can strike a deal and say you won't start a legal case if your dad agrees to make you jointly durable PoA with the wife. This would allow you to legally be privy and part decision-maker to all his medical and financial dealings. By the way, have you ever actually seen the original PoA paperwork? I'd ask to see it. She doesn't have the authority just because she's married to him...I wish you peace in your heart and much success as you work to protect your dad!
Yes. He is clear right now because when I saw that she filled 90 pills last month, I snuck in and removed them from the pill boxes. So he is feeling like a new man. I am afraid to tell him why that is but I know I will have to because she will get more.... And I will call an attorney.
I have seen the POA. She had lawyers at the hospital when he was first injured and completely incapacitated. They made changes to everything with an extra lawyer to witness it. I don't think my dad knows about that. He was not coherent at that time.
The MD is over prescribing . Wal-Mart filled 30 sleeping pills and no lie, the next day they filled a different script, same drug, same doctor, 60 more. I removed what was left and they don't know. Please see my update above .
Thank you.
Seroquel is a very sedating drug. I take it for sleep and it doesn't MAKE me sleepy, it simply lets me go BACK to sleep once I finally do fall asleep.
The dosage on that stuff is REALLY varied--from 25 mgs to as much as 800 mgs---I guess it's been around forever and is used for a lot of things.
The Prozac wouldn't worry me. But the sleeping pills in the am? A red flag.
You don't want to get on step mom's bad side. Do speak to an attorney, to see what your rights are, but don't be surprised to find that dad is still driving the bus.
Thank you
Please see my update above.
The Doctor can’t reveal details about your Dad, but he should always be open to hearing from family if there are problems. Call him ASAP. Good luck.
The doctor is the one over prescribing. And I dont doubt she will be investigated when I finish and file a report with the medical board.
Be prepared that his wife will probably give you a hard time. Your dad will most likely be removed from their home and placed in a a residential facility. She may be charged with crimes and possibly sentenced to some jail time.
She has my dad on 5 types of SSRI drugs. FIVE . He does great on 2 gabapentin a day yet she still writes 6 "if needed" and the wife uses those to knock him out as well although it's not as bad as the seroquel was.
I am scared. My dad does NOT know why he is doing better.
The last thing I want is this b#tch to completely go underground with all these drugs and then we cant stop her. I will follow.
The doctor is the one writing all these drugs. One doctor is doing that. One doctor with the most agregious patient reviews I have ever seen.
Thank you.
If you continue with the he said/she said accusations, you're not going to get very far, and you're guaranteed to further alienate yourself from your stepmom AND your Dad. You have the choice, going forward, as to how you're going to proceed. You can make it ugly, or try the best you can to play nice. Ball's in your court.
We will do more. There are no accusations here. There is NO good reason for a 76 year old man who was 100 % healthy 6 months ago, to now be on 5 different ssris and 6 gabapentin a day. We have the records now. It's a miracle she hasn't already caused him to OD.
I am glad he feels great now, realize that removing all the daily sleeping pills is a temporary fix, I just needed a day without worry. More to come...
Thank you.
Thank you so much for all the input and suggestions. Just suffice to say, I have followed all of them in the process. I am too kind hearted and was probably too willing to do whatever was needed. All that did was teach her that she could use me. She still won't give up control.
Here is the latest:Thank you. Yes. My sister and I called the MD. The SM has dropped her POA on all the docs so they won't speak to us but we documented and sent everything to her.
Last month his wife filled 30 sleeping pills at Wal-Mart and the next day she filled 60 more, same doc, different script. Why they did that... We got the records. My sister calls it chemical restraint. She actually fills 5 types of antidepressants/ssris.
I snuck in and removed them all from his morning meds and remarkably, it's not easy to now know he has anything medically wrong. He's walking every night and is no longer in a stupor during the day. He says he feels the best he has felt in 6 months and it shows. Was a temporary fix but I needed this relief.
My dad has NO clue why he is suddenly doing so well. The wife is pissed but there are so many pills, she hasn't figured out the sleeping pills have been removed. We are going to take further action. But the stress and worry, I am taking a breath and just enjoying the relief of having these few weeks where he is doing and feeling great. I realize that we still have to do more...