Dad is 82, Mom is 80. Mom stopped driving approximately 5 years ago when she dropped Dad off in the front of the doctor's office, told him she was going to run to the supermarket and then pick him up in an hour. Mom never went back to pick him up. As a matter of fact, she ended up 2 states away. The State Troopers found her at 10pm sleeping in the car at a rest stop. for several years before this incident there had been some signs that she was having cognitive problems. Potatoes left to boil with no water in them, I found her car keys in the refridgerator, running the bath and leaving it run
Let it be, the MD is not a fool. He may actually admire Dad for protecting her. Many families do not realize how much cover up goes on until the protective spouse dies, and then they are shocked by what they see. At least you are ahead of the game.
My question is this: What do you expect the doctor to do about HER CONDITION? If she has memory problems, it's not like there's a pill for that. Dementia is largely a process of controlling behavior rather than improving one's condition. Oh, I suppose she could have a UTI or medication reaction, as an example, that's confusing her; but sans something like that? It's not like the doctor can give her a pill to make her better.
Unfortunately.
I admire your concern. I would suggest that, even though dad says he won't let you into the doctor's office, you go with them to her next appointment. Very innocently. Like, "I'm taking you both to lunch afterwards." And then, when the nurse calls them in, just get up and start to go with them.
If you CAN'T get in to the appointment, tell the nurse you want to speak to the doctor before he takes them. (There's usually a lag between calling patients into the exam rooms and the doctor actually coming in to see them.)
I wouldn't be doing it to call attention to dad prompting her, you already know she's forgetful. I'd be doing it to get the doctor's ear to ask if it's possible her medication or a UTI could be causing her memory problems.
The phenomenon known as "show-timing" is very frustrating for caregivers. This is when the person with dementia musters up all the stamina and concentrate they can in front of "company" -- especially important company like doctors. They are on their best behavior for a half an hour. They may even appear "normal." This exhausts them and they cannot sustain it for long periods, and gradually lose the ability to do it at all.
If you mother is still able to show-time after having cognitive confusion for more than five years, that is pretty impressive, even with coaching from Dad. I suggest you drop a line to the doctor beforehand, just listing your observations about Mom's memory and behavior, in case she and Dad are not forthcoming,
I understand the spouse's tendency to "cover up" for the impaired partner. Really, I saw it as my job to make his life seem as normal to him as it could. And that does involve a little deception here and there. I never went so far as to not be candid with doctors or other family members, but I understand the urge. Your dad's doing his loving best. You have a better understanding of why it is important for the doctor to see the non-show-timing patient. Give the doctor your input. Please don't scold your parents for doing what seems best to them.
I don't know what I want anyone to say, Maggie, I completely realize that there is no magic pill that will cure Mom. I realize that Mom has Dementia, it's so obvious. I really believe that Dad does too. I just don't want them to hurt themselves. They have no business flying down to Florida next winter especially he won't go to a dr. down there and won't let her. I'm very close to calling elder services to seek advice. BTW, Mom doesn't have a UTI nor is she physically sick. When she is sick she's like a dying princess and has been this way since before my birth lol. Thanks everyone. Good luck to me.
So ... perhaps the best you can do now is keep a close watch on them for signs that they cannot continue safely on their own. If you could gradually introduce some help -- as what they deserve in their retirement, and not as what they need -- that could be useful. For example, who cleans the house? Who does the laundry? Who cares for the yard? Start with things that perfectly healthy people often hire help with and it MIGHT be easier to introduce more health-related help later.