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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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If the meds he has taken in the past, even if it's Advil, have "worked", perhaps he's looking to the meds he's prescribed now as returning him some "original health state." This is how my mother is. She says the meds are a "waste of money". But without meds her dementia is untenable -- paranoia, anger, inability to focus. She would never say the meds are "working" because if they were, she'd be home taking care of her house and feeding the dogs (that have been dead 25 years!). Perhaps your father has this same measure of medications -- if they were working, why would he still be in the state he's in-- surely, there must be something better.
Excellent observation. I’m going thru this with my mother and siblings. She has advanced macular degeneration in both eyes, moderate vision loss in one , complete loss in the other but all of them think her glasses prescription is wrong lol! I’ve explained exactly what the retinal specialist told me and nope, to them it has to be the glasses🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
my mom used to do that. I figured out after a while it was for attention. she just wanted me by her side and did any thing to get me there. my dad was also sick at the time and was far worse than my mom. mom couldn't understand why more time went to daddy than her. explaining it was useless because she would forget what I said five minutes later. one day I ordered her one of those kiddie stuffed animals that light up all different colors. from that day o she stopped complaining . so each week I ordered her a new one and she played and talked to her lighted stuff animals, day and night.......... thank god...........................
When my MIL got sick, my FIL became acutely and severely anxious. He started finding problems for solutions. I believe he wanted attention. He never accepted her illness, how it impacted her, and made it all about how it affected him. Now, he's like your dad - always finding problems - and yet not compliant with his medications for depression or anxiety because, let's face it, that would solve most of his problems and then what would he do with himself?
Based on my experience with my FIL, I would not try to fix imaginary problems. Do not get sucked into his need for attention. If there's something really wrong with him, that's different, but if he's not compliant with meds and therapies, there's little you or anyone can do for him.
Also, consider scheduling him for a geriatric consult including psych, and finding him a support group for spouses of patients with Alzheimer's. It can't be easy for him with your mom.
Need more about Dad's baseline. Hypochrondria exists both within and without Alzheimers, but I am not clear where Dad is on the spectrum. Time to get varicolored Jelly beans for a pill bottle?
My mother was like this - what in the past we would call Munchausen's syndrome. She also claims a great long list of drugs to which she is allergic. It is all in her case total b********s. She has minor intolerances to certain antibiotics- sort of give her diarrhea, or make her feel nauseous and has historically conned her Dr into giving her up to 12 lots of antibiotics a year for UTI because symptoms are so easy to claim - along with other medical problems. (She does not have a real problem because the UTI bugs she has are drug resistant so she has to go into hospital to have IV if she gets one - interestingly she hasn't claimed to have one since Dr told her that.) We have had to deal with this "liking attention from being sick" by running in house tests, temperature, urine testing and dealing with Dr only when we get necessary results. Pain - if she hasn't taken her paracetamol 4 times a day then we cannot do anything because she isn't following Dr instructions. Drugs making her sick - we simply use an alternative brand name or the generic name - amazing how these don't have same effect. Its a psychological management issue FOR MY MOTHER - doesn't mean it is the same for your father but it is worth documenting problems and seeing if you are looking at a psychological pattern of attention seeking not real medical issues.
My grandfather had dementia and was like this. He LOVED going to doctors! It was something to do, an outing, for him. He did have some legit medical issues before dementia took hold-- heart problems, high BP, emphysema from smoking most of his life.
One time he said he had something to tell us, and looked all serious. Then he says "I have cancer." We all just looked at him for a second and I asked him if a doctor had told him he has cancer. "No, but this pain in my throat, it's gotta be cancer!". We just rolled our eyes and let it go.
When he was no longer able to drive, he'd come up with all kinds of excuses to see a doctor. Half the time he'd leave with maybe some drug samples and nothing else. We had to stop taking him unless we could tell something was genuinely wrong.
So... my experience is it's just attention seeking and always thinking the worst. Not much we could do about it besides not taking him to the doctor every other day.
Yes, my mom has that kind of negativity too. Always assuming the worst...
Hard to deal with, isn’t it? I started feeling as you did. If it is a true emergency then we handle it. If not, it gets put on the side. She loves if others worry with her. No thanks, not good for my health.
I am guessing your father is afraid and confused and doesn't like what is happening. If you truly are doing everything possible for him with the help of doctors and medication, then you have to get tough with him. Tell him in no uncertain terms this or that is the best known, proven procedure and like it or not, he is going to have to accept that. If he refuses, tell him he will be on his own without you and without help from anyone. Let him rant and rave and complain. Tell him to stop the negative behavior at once and then walk away and keep walking away until this stops. Sometimes this is what it takes to have some peace for the caretaker.
I have noticed that many of your replies contain similar advice: Tell patient under no uncertain terms...if patient does not comply with a directive, walk away, etc.
Directives to someone who has dementia or having problems dealing with losing ability to do things they used to do for themselves are not, in most cases, practical. It's just not possible to most caregivers to walk away. It's pretty much impossible to convince a breaking mind to stop saying or doing things that annoy others.
Perhaps these methods of dealing with issues worked for the situation you had to handle, but for the most part turning on the cold heart will not work for others. Is it possible that you have left over anger from a previous caregiving role? I don't intend for that to sound rude, just asking if that could be a possibility.
Mitziv, can you please give more specifics, like: how hold is your dad? What is his cognitive condition? I see in your profile you're caring for your mom...is your dad helping you? Are you all together in a house? Thanks!
This may be a real condition and anxiety driven, i.e. I recently found out I had a possible heart condition, so naturally I am more anxious about it. I don't know of anyone who actually likes to be ill, but best to check with his physician on what could be done about it, e.g. maybe his physician will place him on a medication for the condition.
Reading all the other answers here - like OP I don't think just giving orders is the answer, or being bossy, I think you have to be a bit more psychological and manage things as in my original answer. I think we all see a change in behaviour is necessary, but I would rather see the behaviour changed by showing it to be incorrect than penalising the patient in this particular type of behaviour.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
my dad was also sick at the time and was far worse than my mom.
mom couldn't understand why more time went to daddy than her.
explaining it was useless because she would forget what I said five minutes later.
one day I ordered her one of those kiddie stuffed animals that light up all different colors. from that day o she stopped complaining . so each week I ordered her a new one and she played and talked to her lighted stuff animals, day and night..........
thank god...........................
Based on my experience with my FIL, I would not try to fix imaginary problems. Do not get sucked into his need for attention. If there's something really wrong with him, that's different, but if he's not compliant with meds and therapies, there's little you or anyone can do for him.
Also, consider scheduling him for a geriatric consult including psych, and finding him a support group for spouses of patients with Alzheimer's. It can't be easy for him with your mom.
We have had to deal with this "liking attention from being sick" by running in house tests, temperature, urine testing and dealing with Dr only when we get necessary results. Pain - if she hasn't taken her paracetamol 4 times a day then we cannot do anything because she isn't following Dr instructions. Drugs making her sick - we simply use an alternative brand name or the generic name - amazing how these don't have same effect. Its a psychological management issue FOR MY MOTHER - doesn't mean it is the same for your father but it is worth documenting problems and seeing if you are looking at a psychological pattern of attention seeking not real medical issues.
One time he said he had something to tell us, and looked all serious. Then he says "I have cancer." We all just looked at him for a second and I asked him if a doctor had told him he has cancer. "No, but this pain in my throat, it's gotta be cancer!". We just rolled our eyes and let it go.
When he was no longer able to drive, he'd come up with all kinds of excuses to see a doctor. Half the time he'd leave with maybe some drug samples and nothing else. We had to stop taking him unless we could tell something was genuinely wrong.
So... my experience is it's just attention seeking and always thinking the worst. Not much we could do about it besides not taking him to the doctor every other day.
Hard to deal with, isn’t it? I started feeling as you did. If it is a true emergency then we handle it. If not, it gets put on the side. She loves if others worry with her. No thanks, not good for my health.
Directives to someone who has dementia or having problems dealing with losing ability to do things they used to do for themselves are not, in most cases, practical. It's just not possible to most caregivers to walk away. It's pretty much impossible to convince a breaking mind to stop saying or doing things that annoy others.
Perhaps these methods of dealing with issues worked for the situation you had to handle, but for the most part turning on the cold heart will not work for others. Is it possible that you have left over anger from a previous caregiving role? I don't intend for that to sound rude, just asking if that could be a possibility.
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