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This has been an ongoing problem. My Dad gropes, swears and says the most awful things to his poor caregivers at his care facility. He has also done this to physical therapists who have been brought in to work with him (he's paralyzed on his left side and wheelchair bound).


I worry that this will cause people to dread caring for him and that they may avoid or neglect him - and I don't really blame them. He can be exremely foul and disgusting. He also swears and and calls the other residents names and yells at his roommate to shut up all the time.


We've done a little work with OT and speech therapy to get him to understand that this is not appropriate to no apparent avail. I don't like visiting him as I'm embarrassed and feel badly for the staff to put up with him. I realize it is because of the brain damage but it's become a real problem.

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Does your dad have a Neurologist or a geriatric Psychiatrist you can consult with to see about meds to help with this behavior? If not, I suggest you get these doctors involved with his care to see what can be done to help him with this agitated behavior; for his sake as well as all of you that have to deal with him. He may not have the ability to understand that his words and actions are offensive to others, as is often the case when the brain has been damaged from a stroke.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
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outsidethecage Feb 2022
We are going to see a new neurologist tomorrow actually. Medicating him into a stupor seems to be the only solution put forth by his doctors so far but maybe it's for the best.
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As a nurse, I must tell you that this isn't unusual behavior. Those who never swore, never would have acted out in this manner, suddenly...................
And anyone with even minimal training in working with stroke or dementia are aware of this
This is NOT within your Dad's control for the most part and in the greater number of cases.
Ask to speak with administration, ask if you can leave a note for caregivers about just how you feel. Trust me, they will understand. I have had folks not only grope me but hook me with their canes! They aren't in control of themselves. I think the more you talk quietly and briefly with caregivers the more they will pass that around. Take in a massive box of donuts and say how sorry you are they have to do this, how embarrassed, and how this just isn't your Dad.
They will understand. OR they are in the wrong business.
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Beatty Feb 2022
Crafty old geezers 'hooking' a gal like reeling in a fish with their cane...

A cane whack at your shin really hurts too 🙁.

But you learn to stay out of reach!
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How does he manage to grope anyone? It shouldn't be that hard for any reasonably nimble caregiver to stay out of reach out of a wheelchair bound hemiplegic stroke survivor. If the free hand wanders, they can help avoid that by giving him something to hold: a cup, a wash cloth, whatever forms part of the routine they're carrying out.

Honestly, I think you probably feel much worse about this than the staff do. You say you realize it's the brain damage, but do you really realize that? Understanding something in words isn't the same as accepting the reality of it, sometimes.

It's very sad for him, it undermines his dignity, it's a loss to him as a person, and I grant you it's not going to win him any Most Adorable Resident prizes. But it is no excuse for neglect or substandard care. What has anyone at the facility had to say about it?
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Inapportaite behaviors comes with the territory, those working in the care facility should understand and even expect it. As mentioned he will not make many friends but his care should not be negatively impacted because of such behavior, and if a caregiver working in a facility does provider sub-par care for such a reason they should be terminated ASAP.

This comes with the territory.
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Does your dad grope you and make inappropriate sexual advances towards you? Use the same foul language when he talks to you? If he doesnt then it is a 100% controllable behavior on his part.
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Sighopinion Feb 2022
Is that 100% true? Brain damage could make it so the person sees people differently. Maybe with the child long term memory is still intact so they are still seen as a child, yet with strangers or new people no connection can be made and a new one may be hard to form. Maybe at the core they also few women a certain way and that is just a behavior that is coming out due to lack of inhibitions on the part of the father.

I know after my LO had a stroke they lost their filter towards people of color and called them the N word or slave on the regular. At the core I always knew they were racist, but it was something that was only shown amongst close friends of family. Yet, they have never a said such things to a family members partner who is a person of color.
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It may not have been appropriate.. but I once heard an older lady say "you keep your hands nice Sir. If you touch me again the water in this shower is going to run cold". She said it worked, some were quicker learners than others.
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Sighopinion Feb 2022
That is funny, do workers get away with that? What if the family finds out?
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Medication can be adjusted as well as changed once it has reached the required blood level. Levels can be increased as well as decreased as needed. The phrase "medicating into a stupor" and the word "zombie" are often used as a rallying call for objection to ANY medication. IMHO approaching the situation with an open mind will benefit your LO.
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Please talk to his neurologist and probably a geriatric psychiatrist about these problems. Your dad has lost his ability to filter his thoughts/words. He also has lost the ability to control his impulses. Medications may help him to relax more and act a little less on his impulses.
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My mother told the staff at her new home that I was my father's other woman. I couldn't help feel that the staff didn't know whether to believe it or not. I was so embarrassed.
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MicheleDL Mar 2022
I'm honest to goodness sorry, but that's hilarious.
Thank you. Please forgive me.
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His stroke affected the fronto-temporal areas of the brain. He has lost all sense of appropriate social behavior. He is unable to control his behavior. His animal instincts are on the loose. There is no medical cure for this disorder other than to keep him heavily medicated at all times.
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- I know it's not always possible but maybe you can request that only male attendants take care of him.
- On the door of his room post a warning so that ladies can gird their loins before entering and getting abused.
- Have two ladies come in at the same time to tend to him.
- Let him see that a tripod and a pretend (or not) camera has been set up. On the other hand, he may be a showman so this may backfire.
- Have two ladies come in horrible gorrilla masks and an air horn. Train him.

I'm sure that if he could prevent himself from behaving this way he would a million times. The guy's fractured, lost, and helpless. Super sad.
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Consult his doctor about antiandrogen meds such as Eligard. Lower testosterone should result in lower sex drive and behavior. It is given in IM injection once per month, 2 months or 3 months. He will need calcium supplements with vitamin D3 to avoid osteoporosis.
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outsidethecage: Perhaps you can speak to his physician about a medication adjustment. He lacks a filter.
You have a separate thread that states that your father is profoundly brain damaged due to a massive hemorrhagic stroke.
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Maybe you could talk with the social worker or resident care manager or whoever seems to be the right person at his facility about how to manage this behavior. That will give you an idea of how staff are handling it, how you can help, and how staff are supported in caring for him. (Such as not having the same female CG assigned to him for a 2 week period!)
Yes, this is due to brain damage and generally the person is not in control of it. (tho regular caregivers may have noticed that there are situations where he can have some control over his hands and language.)
Medications can help somewhat. Not to a stupor - that is chemical sedation and generally prohibited as a violation of patient rights.
What happens with a male caregiver..or a male adminstrator 'auditing' care - in the room, not providing hands on care and lowering eyes to the ground when genitals are unavoidably exposed for care. Presence of a male observer with authority might help him settle down a bit.
One issue is that just about all of the hands on care staff and many skilled staff are women...and there are some men who are just flat out angry at 'all these women telling me that I can and can't do!"
There may be a staff member (male or female) who can spend some time with him without providing care...just sitting with him to look out the window, or listen to music (whatever he liked in his younger years can be engaging) or some other way of having some passive social engagement with the world.
I'm hoping his roommate has very poor hearing.
My mother in law had a nasty stage, and the facility provided a roommate who slept in the bed at night but spent her days in the dining room/lobby - hoping to get a ride home! Creative problem solving.
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