I was added to my 85 y/o Dad's care team 3 months ago bcause he loved how it felt to have his daughter taking care of him. Daddy and I have always had a great relationship and could always talk about anything. But now that I'm in a caregiver position, sometimes out of town just he and I, he second-guesses me constantly, and seems to assume I have not learned ANY life skills at the age of 52! Most of the time I tyr to deal with it humorously... or I simply remind him that "I'm 52 years old!"... but it gets really freaking OLD havign someone assume you don't know anything. I'm not a blithering idiot and he knows that... but when he says "Well, I don't know what you know" I wanna scream! How about assuming maybe I know how to navigate the basics of life! Ater all, if I'm that dumb, I have no business taking care of him 24/ when we're out of town. He also feels no qualms about yelling at me... especially to "hurry up" which GALLS me to no end considering I end up having to do all the packing, loading, unloading, etc. It takes all I have not to blow up at him... I just try to gently remind him... but last time I tried to let him know it upsets me to get yelled at, he stewed about it for hours, and then came and picked a fight with me and claimed he never did that. Well, jeez. I know when I'm being yelled at! I tried to explain that I understand parent/child dynamics are at play here, and he interrupted me and mockingly said, you mean CHILD/parent and totally missed the point of what I was trying to say. I'm not used to anyone picking fights with me and I am a lifetime conflict-avoidant. He and Mom, who passed away last November, used to bicker constantly. I think he misses that, but I am NOT having it! Now I dread spending time with him because I feel a really important trust has been broken. I love my Dad so much and I don't want to start resenting signing up to help him. BTW I only get paid $125 a week, so that's all I got for 8 days of 24/ care. My husband and teenage son, not to mention all of our pets, are feeling very neglected. I just can't win. Someone is always disappointed and feeling neglected. Thoughts?
I understand that is is galling to do all the work and then get criticized. Can he do some of the work? Could he sit on a chair next to the bed and pack a suitcase? He has limitations, but encourage him to do what he can do.
You know that you are not a blithering idiot. You know that you are a competent adult. I suspect he knows it, too. I suspect that this pattern of belittlement is a life-long habit, too. Don't rise to the bait. You know what you are doing. You don't need to justify it or argue about it with Dad. He says, "Don't you even know that you should be doing it x way?" and you say "You may be right, Dad. But I'm doing it the way I prefer."
I don't see any issue of trust here. I see a cantankerous old man who is set in his ways and who probably resents needing to be dependent on a child, of all things.
You love your dad. You obviously are not doing this for the money. Keep in mind why you are doing it, don't take your dad's personality personally. Don't rise to his bait. Tell him, respectfully, some time when all is calm, that you will not tolerate being yelled at, and leave the room when he yells.
Discuss how hard this is for you with your husband and son (without expecting them to solve it) just so they can understand what you are going through and not take your "neglect" personally. The situation will stabilize and eventually be less stressful.
You sound like a loving, caring daughter. You can do this. It will just take some time to learn which battles are worth fighting and which boundaries are worth defending. Let the rest wash over you.
Over the past 5 years, since my parents stop driving and I became the chauffeur, I am finally trying to learn to find humor in the things they say, no matter how out languish it sounds. It's not easy to do, but I am trying.
I have to realize my parents are living together "alone" in a large house, they have outlived their siblings and most of their friends, so outside stimulus is far and few between. How I wished they would have moved into a retirement community to make new friends, etc. I can't be their entertainment because I still work and have my own household to maintain.
I learned a Buddhist saying that I try to use. "To be patient is welcoming wholeheartedly whatever arises, having given up the idea that things should be other than what they are." When he explains to me how to drive from the town I used to live in to our home of 20 years, I say, "I am welcoming wholeheartedly..." which means that I am kinda ticked off, but holding my tongue. I say it out loud, and he knows what I'm doing. We laugh about it and don't have to fight.
I take it personally, but then I remember not to, and then I let it go. Try not to take it personally. As Jeanne says, he's not going to change. Good luck.
pjnalty, it is tough.